Get 'em young

God likes his vessels young and tender. Joseph Smith, for example, was (according to LDS Church speak) an innocent, uneducated young lad of only 14 who couldn't possibly have known the ways of the world. That's important for us Mormons to believe because it's an example of the way God works. He took something weak but pure and made it strong! That's the kind of generous god we worship.

So is it any wonder that God commanded Joseph to marry a girl "several months before her 15th birthday" (OK, more than one actually)? We all know how strong these chosen teen brides (OK, there were a lot more than just two) became, right? I mean, they were pivotal in the highest ordinances revealed to Joseph! No?

I guess being shuffled about like chattel in life only to be completely swept under the rug after death and then dredged up only reluctantly because you're a major liability might not feel especially great.

Fanny Young Murray (Smith) - wife #36

Fanny Young (November 8, 1787 - June 11, 1859) was Brigham Young's older sister. She took on much of the responsibility for raising her younger siblings after her mother died in 1815. She was also close to the Kimball family and young Helen referred to her as Aunt Fanny.

Fanny married Heber Kimball's father-in-law, Roswell Murray, in 1832, the same year she and other members of the Young family joined the Church. Roswell, however, did not join, but he still moved with the saints to Kirtland, Missouri, and then Nauvoo, where he fell ill and died in 1839.

Fanny's marriage to Joseph Smith was extremely abrupt. She found herself disagreeing with Brigham and Joseph in a conversation about the necessity of plural marriage in order to reach the highest glory of the Celestial Kingdom, and Joseph rebutted her expressed desire to simply be an administering angel with "you talk very foolishly, you do not know what you will want" and followed that up by having Brigham seal her to him then and there.

To me the story reads as an example of how Joseph liked to flash his prophetic mantle and shoot to close the sale quickly. Fanny's marriage to the prophet comes across as yet another example of how Joseph was good at pressuring people to reassert himself and get what he wanted.

Unlike many of the other plural wives, Fanny was not resealed to Joseph in the Nauvoo temple following his murder.

Helen Mar Kimball (Smith) Whitney - wife #27

Helen Kimball (August 22, 1828 - November 13, 1896) was the daughter of Heber Kimball, perhaps biggest horse's dick of all the early Mormon polygamists. Heber was so fucking classy he decided it was a great idea to hand fourteen-year-old Helen - his only daughter - over to Joseph Smith as a wife. Fourteen years old! Then again, Heber would have done anything to be eternally close to Joseph. Even Helen saw that her dad was obsessed enough with being sealed to Joseph Smith and saw herself as a spotless offering on her father's behalf. (Heber stayed obsessed by the desire to be sealed to Joseph to the day he died when on his death bed he asked his wife Sarah, who was sealed to Joseph, to intercede on his behalf.)

Helen was three when her parents joined the Church. They moved to Kirtland, where Heber was ordained an apostle, in 1835. They eventually moved to Nauvoo, where they settled near the temple lot.

Heber, not Joseph, was the one to approach Helen about polygamy. He gave her 24 hours to think things over. Helen was repulsed by the idea, as was her mother, Vilate Murray, who had seen how challenging plural marriage was for other women. But this was all about Heber's salvation. Helen agreed to do it and Vilate sorrowfully consented.

Helen was Joseph's fourth teen bride in a row in less than a month. So many virgins! Yay!

I'm not sure who the hell decides to marry his friend's fourteen year old. I actually doubt it was Joseph's idea; I think it was Heber's. I also think Joseph should have told Heber to cool his fucking jets and at least give it a few more years. I don't know if Joseph slept with a Helen, but I also can't see why he wouldn't. Either way, the marriage changed Helen's life significantly. She was no longer allowed to be a young girl and enjoy her previous social life. She absolutely hated polygamy.

No dancing for you, young Mrs.!

Almost two years after Joseph was killed at Carthage jail Helen married Horace Whitney (pictured above). Helen was still sealed (in fact, resealed at the time of her marriage to Horace) to Joseph, and Horace was sealed to Elizabeth Sykes, who was dead. They had eleven children: Helen, William, Horace, Vilate, Orson, Elizabeth, Genevieve, Helen (again), Charles, Florence, Phebe.

I wonder what their eternal family will look like. Will Helen and Joseph get the kids? Will Helen and Horace? Will Horace and Elizabeth? Will they all just share? Why don't these sealings resemble our sealings today?

Not surprisingly, Helen came around to polygamy. In her later years she became an advocate for it. She died in Salt Lake City.

Flora Ann Woodworth (Smith) Grove - wife #20

Joseph Smith's third teenaged bride was Flora Woodworth (November 14, 1826 - ca. 1850). The two met through Flora's father, Lucien, who was the architect of the Nauvoo House hotel. She was all of sixteen years old (and likely a virgin) when she married the prophet early in 1843.

William Clayton

Joseph seems to have been very excited about Flora and, according to William Clayton, met with her fairly regularly. He even gave her some bling: a gold watch.

The marriage complicated life for at least a few people. Emma found out about the relationship (no, she hadn't given her permission) and the gold watch, found Flora, bitched her out, and demanded the watch back. Joseph tried to reprimand her and got hell in return. Upon returning from a mission, Orange Wight, Flora's would be suitor, found out about the marriage and stopped his pursuit. He was nineteen.

Still not used to it, Emma?

After Joseph's assassination Flora married a non-member named Carlos Grove, with whom she had three children (but none with Joseph). She confessed to Helen Mar Kimball that marrying a non-member had caused regrettable ostracization in the Mormon community. The Groves tried to move out to Utah, but Flora died en route. She was in her mid-twenties.