Temple prep - Endowed from on High "Lesson 3"

I'm reading the Church Education System's manual for temple preparation and adding my two cents. Text found here. 

Objective

“And we ask thee, Holy Father, that thy servants may go forth from this house armed with thy power, and that thy name may be upon them, and thy glory be round about them” (D&C 109:22). God powers are the best! Let's go make some new animal species and some tornadoes!

To help class members understand that those who attend the temple worthily will receive great blessings from the Lord. I've been reading a lot about "blessings" in these temple prep materials. I hope this lesson gets into some concrete details. People should know what to expect in temporal in return for the temple attendance.

Preparation

1. Carefully review the scriptures used in this lesson so that you will be prepared to lead the class discussion about them. Naturally.
   
2. You may want to prepare to have class members sing a hymn about temple work, such as “We Love Thy House, O God” (Hymns, no. 247), or about the eternal nature of truth, such as “Oh Say, What Is Truth?” (Hymns, no. 272). Sounds brainwashy, but on theme.
   
3. If Family Home Evening Video Supplement 2 (53277) is available, you may want to show “Temples Are for Eternal Covenants,” a six-minute segment. Oh dear Lord, DO NOT SHOW THAT VIDEO! The sentimentality is laid on in extremely thick layers of Carpenters-esque song and enough '80s soft focus to make everyone will feel awkward as fuck. Gordon's talk at the end is more of the same empty temple rhetoric we've seen previously. Skip the film.
   

Lesson Presentation

Ask class members if they have any questions. About what? You haven't even introduced the topic yet and the first lesson was too safe to incite any kind of questions, so unless these kids have read something on their own (from the Internet, say) they won't have anything to ask. Take the time required to answer questions to the best of your ability and as guided by the Lord’s Spirit. OK, fine. Here's a question: Why did the Church change the initiation back in 2005? Don't we criticize early Christianity for changing baptism from immersion to sprinkling? Why would God condone the change from sitting naked and getting touched to sitting in garments and only having gestures of touching? I thought we were supposed to be washed and anointed BEFORE dawning the garment of the holy priesthood. Remember that some aspects of temple work must not be discussed outside the temple. Like not being touched naked while being washed? It's no longer part of the temple so we can talk about it, can't we?

Temple Work Has Existed Since Ancient Times

You may want to begin by singing together a hymn about temple work or about the eternal nature of truth. Then again, the temple LDS ceremonies as we now have them don't seem to be eternal in nature at all. They are not to be found in ancient cultures and they have not remained the same since Joseph Smith made them up in the mid-1840s. Teaching that they are unchanging truth is misleading.

Explain that the Lord has always commanded His people to build temples. Well, not "always". The first construction we consider a temple - the Israelite tabernacle - was commanded thousands of years after the creation of Adam and Eve. I'm also reluctant to accept that God has a "people" and that that people is the Israelite nation and Jews. He has revealed the work to be done in temples. It has a lot to do with killing animals and burning their fat and blood, two of God's favorite foods.

• What temples or tabernacles are mentioned in the scriptures? The Israelite tabernacle, Solomon's (First Temple) and Second temple (started under Cyrus the Great, embellished by Herod and destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE) are all from the Bible; The Book of Mormon mentions an early Solomon temple replica built by Nephi and another one (or is it the same one) shows up hundreds of years later in the land of Bountiful (but all this stuff has never been confirmed in the slightest by archeology or anthropological research); Doctrine & Covenants calls for the construction of the Kirtland and Nauvoo temples; The Pearl of Great Price only rehashes references to Second Temple as found in Matthew.

Invite class members to review scripture indexes to find references dealing with temples and tabernacles. What does this have to do with the blessings you receive from the temple? Is this list making taking us somewhere? You may want to list the class members’ answers on the chalkboard. Because it helps the students feel like they've contributed to the lesson. You may also want to have class members review the following scriptures:

Moses’ tabernacle: Exodus 40:1–2, 34–38

Solomon’s temple: 2 Chronicles 3:1–2; 2 Chronicles 5:1

Herod’s temple: Matthew 21:12–15

Nephite temples: 2 Nephi 5:16; Mosiah 1:18; 3 Nephi 11:1

Explain that because of apostasy, all of these temples eventually lost their true purposes and were destroyed. The true purpose being sacrificing animals to Jehovah so he can relish in the smell of burnt fat and blood. Temple work in its fulness has been restored in our day through the Prophet Joseph Smith, bringing great blessings into our lives. And through the Freemasons. Don't forget the Freemasons! And don't ignore the fact that Joseph did not restore animal sacrifice, so I guess he didn't really restore the "fulness" of previous temples at all. Are we going to list the "great blessings" the temple brings to us?

Elder Bruce R. McConkie said: “The inspired erection and proper use of temples is one of the great evidences of the divinity of the Lord’s work. But cathedrals, synagogues, megachurches, and other religious buildings of other religions do not obviously. Wait, is he talking about penises? … Where there are temples, with the spirit of revelation resting upon those who administer therein, there the Lord’s people will be found; where these are not, the Church and kingdom and the truth of heaven are not” (Mormon Doctrine, 2nd ed. [1966], 781). Now he's talking about people with penises, er... Priesthood. Well who cares what Bruce is talking about considering all the things he's said that sound a lot like bullshit. I'm pretty sure we don't need to listen to him. He was never the prophet anyway.

Those Who Attend the Temple Worthily Are Promised Great Blessings

The temple, or the house of the Lord, is the place where we go to prepare for exaltation in the celestial kingdom. Right, going out into the world healing the sick and feeding the hungry is horrible preparation. YOU NEED THE ROBES AND HANDSHAKES! There we learn more about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. That's debatable. You just learn a couple extra names. We make covenants with Them, and They promise wonderful blessings to us. What "wonderful blessings"? Do tell.

In the Doctrine and Covenants, the Lord has described some of the blessings that come to those who attend the temple and live worthy of the covenants made there. Some of these blessings are described in section 109, which is the prayer offered at the dedication of the Kirtland Temple. A prayer to God describes the blessings God will give us? Aren't prayers what we ask for and not necessarily what God will give us? The words of this prayer were given to Joseph Smith by revelation. Joseph, this is Almighty God. Here's what you need to say to me. I know it's weird I just need to hear it in your charming voice...

President Howard W. Hunter said that this prayer “continues to be answered upon us individually, upon us as families, and upon us as a people because of the priesthood power the Lord has given us to use in His holy temples” (“The Great Symbol of Our Membership,” Ensign, Oct. 1994, 4). If Howard said so it must be true!

President Hunter then quoted some of the verses from section 109. Ask the class members to read these verses: Doctrine and Covenants 109:10–12, 22–23, 59, 67, 72, 75. Ask them to look for the blessings mentioned by the Lord.

Following the reading, ask the class members to list the blessings they have identified. Let's just skip to where you these blessings are listed below... Write the comments on the chalkboard. The blessings mentioned may include the following:

1. The Lord’s glory will be upon His people. Sounds great, but what does this mean? Will we all be shining brighter than the noonday sun? Will our hair be as brilliant white flames? Will we be accompanied by hosts of angels singing our praises? What?
   
2. The Lord’s servants will leave the temple with the Lord’s power, name, and glory, and angels will have charge over them. What power is that? The power to make billions of spirit children? The power to descend from the sky in a pillar of fire and float in the air? What power are we talking about? Who of the endowed LDS community has shown any sign of having these god powers? As for his name, you don't have to go to the temple for it. It's Elohim. I'm still confused about what the "glory" of the Lord is supposed to mean here. What will the angels who have charge over us do? Are these guardian angels? Inspiring angels? Is it even an honor for angels to have charge over a human or is it more like an annoying babysitting duty?
   
3. The Lord’s servants will take the truth of the gospel from the temple to the ends of the earth. This is a blessing for us how? We've already got our new secret name, special secret underwear and know the True Order of Prayer. We're good to go. Isn't preaching to others more of a blessing to those "others" and not us?
   
4. Stakes will be organized so that the Lord’s people may be gathered. I can see how this is sort of a blessing. Having a supportive community definitely benefits our psychological health. That said, I can't see how going to the temple produces this blessing. You can't get a temple before you have a few stakes set up first, so what really produces the stake is getting people to come to church regularly in the first place and getting them to pay their tithing. Once the people are there and the money's in, you just might get a temple. The cause and effect here are backwards.
   
5. All of scattered Israel will learn the truth and rejoice. "Scattered Israel"? Oh please. The LDS Church has not been at all effective in finding scattered Israel. We're still adopting everyone into the tribe of Ephraim. The Church isn't very good about sharing the truth either. They only just opened up about one of Joseph's favorite magic peep stones. It took them 180 years to reveal that truth to the world.
   
6. The families of the Saints and all of their sick and afflicted will be remembered before the Lord. Remembered by not healed or succored. Notice that the rate of illness and recovery  for LDS people are comparable their neighbors' with similar diets and lifestyles.
   
7. The Lord’s kingdom will fill the whole earth. We talking about a temporal or spiritual kingdom? Does fill mean there are no gaps or does it mean you'll find a Mormon within a 500 mile radius regardless of where you drop a pin on the map (oceans excluded, of course)? So far the LDS Church does not own the whole world (just Utah and 2% of Florida) and only makes up about .2% of the earth's population. Looks like we had all better go to the temple a lot more!
   
8. The Lord’s servants will someday be caught up to meet the Lord and will be with Him forever. Ah yes, the rapture and the resurrection of the dead. That will be one disgusting and terrifying event of carrion and carnage. God can hardly wait.By the way, why didn't God have Joseph pray for the blessing of eternal families? Isn't that the kicker for Mormons these days?
   

“Yea, and my presence shall be [in my house], for I will come into it, and all the pure in heart that shall come into it shall see God” (D&C 97:16). I've never known anyone in all my life who has ever professed to have seen God in the temple, only a couple batty old women who claim they saw the spirit of some deceased person show up to thank them. I think this is a wonderful time to go back and listen to Tom Philips' description of his second anointing. It might also be a fine time to read what Dallin Oaks has to say about trying to be worthy of seeing Jesus.

• How do you feel when you consider these wonderful blessings promised to those who attend the temple worthily and honor their covenants? I feel like someone's trying to pull the wool over my eyes. I do. I feel like this is the typical sort of motivation to get all us jackasses chasing a carrot they'll never catch. I feel pleased with myself for no longer attending the temple. But let's keep in mind that feelings or just feelings.

President Howard W. Hunter said: “Has there ever been a people with such stirring and wonderful promises! Yes. No wonder the Lord desires that His followers point themselves toward His example and toward His temples” (Ensign, Oct. 1994, 5). Non sequitur.

The Lord also made promises connected with temples in Doctrine and Covenants 97. Ask the class members to read Doctrine and Covenants 97:15–21.

• What do verses 15–17 teach about what the Lord’s people must do to qualify for the Lord’s blessings in His temples? (Be pure in heart and not allow any unclean thing to come into the temples.) God wants to give you lots of shit but only if you've washed your hands. He hates putting shit in dirty hands, it takes the fun out of it.

Explain that those who are pure in heart are called Zion. Verses 15–21 teach that we can help to build Zion by worthily attending the temple and striving to be pure in heart and undefiled by evil. The part that especially helps build Zion is your tithing. Pay your tithing and give generous donations to the Church. God likes it like that. And stop kissing Satan's asshole! God hates that.

• What blessings are promised in these verses to a people worthy to be called Zion? They'll see the Lord grab a soda from the temple kitchen fridge or maybe catch him sneak from the bathroom to his bedroom post shower.

Explain that a city named Zion existed in ancient times. No it didn't. Joseph made it up for his completely bullshit "inspired translation" of the Bible. This city was built by the prophet Enoch and his people. It was taken to heaven because of the righteousness of its people (see D&C 38:4; Moses 7:18–21, 69). Beamed straight up into the anus of heaven!

Zion will also exist in the latter days. As a U.S. national park in southern Utah. In the tenth article of faith, the Lord promises that a city named Zion will be built on the American continent. In Missouri, right? Or is this what the Church has in mind in Florida? Ask the class members to read this article of faith. Explain that the scattered people of Israel will gather to this great city (see D&C 103:11–13). We just have to figure out who and where they are.

Today, the members of the Church are counseled to become worthy to attend the holy temple and to build up Zion wherever they are living in the world. How will that work? Will they all migrate to Zion, America with their various chunks of the city and fit them all together like a giant puzzle or something? Or do you mean that members everywhere need to learn how to be pure in heart so they can enter Zion after the LDS Church builds it somewhere? We are to make our homes like temples—places of purity, love, and personal revelation. If you're living in a motor home it will probably be easier for you to take your personal Zion to the real, though still undetermined Zion.

• What can we do to become more pure in heart? Sell all we have, give the money to the poor and live humble lives of service to others.
• In what ways does the world sometimes make it hard to remain pure in heart? The world presents us with endless opportunities to buy more and more cool shit and even more stuff that will isn't so cool and will definitely end up in the trash within a year or two.
• In what ways could you help your family, branch, or ward to become pure in heart? Encourage them to give up their giant homes, several cars, massive televisions, expensive recreational toys and live like Jesus did. Maybe we could turn our churches into hospitals, homeless shelters, free hostels for travelers or food distribution centers. We should probably stop developing so much land and start designating our properties as wildlife refuges or something.

Explain that those who make and keep temple covenants and strive throughout their lives to become pure in heart are those who can help to build Zion. It sounds like the ultimate temple blessing here is that you'll get to become another brick in the wall of Zion. "You'll be blessed to work for us!" It sounds like a scam.

Conclusion

Bear testimony that those who worthily attend the temple will receive great blessings from the Lord, including the blessings of being a Zion people. You can say anything at all here. Anything at all. Tell the students that because you went to the temple you were able to see an old woman out trying to find her dog, you stopped and helped her find it and now she's taking the discussions. Tell them that you were once worried about your child's health but then one day in the temple you met someone who is an expert at administering essential oils and now, thanks to that expertise, your child is healthy and happy. Tell them that because you go to the temple twice a month, the Church is now building a temple in your old mission area. You really can take any event you want and attribute it to either going or not going to the temple. We must do all that we can to become worthy of these blessings and to become pure in heart. Please reference the so called blessing discussed above. They're not as impressive as they sound.

You may want to show the video presentation “Temples Are for Eternal Covenants.” I repeat, DO NOT show this video (linked above). It is horrible and your students will resent it.

Jesus and the infinite atonement

How does it make any sense whatsoever that because Jesus suffered for our sins and shortcomings everything will one day be restored to perfection? How does it make any sense that one event that took place thousands of years ago is making things right today? Try anticipating your great-great grandchildren's debts and having the money ready for them in their exact moment of need. Try doing something today to absolutely guarantee your house will be clean in 100 years.

You can't do it, can you? Well God did. He did it for everyone. It was easy. He just had to kill his demigod offspring.

It works that way, promise! I know you don't have any demigod children of your own, but I'm sure that sacrificing one of your regular mortal children should at least take your mind off dinner for a week or two. Just make sure to burn the fat for Jehovah.

Heavenly fatherliness #39 - Protection

According to popular wisdom, a good father protects his family at all costs.

As the story goes, God cursed us with pain and disease and death. That's the opposite of protection. But that's because Heavenly Father's concerned mostly about protecting our ability to make choices and less concerned about protecting us physically. That's why he was willing to permanently exile a third of his spirit children - because they were anti-choice. That's why God placed us in a crazy, mixed up world, so we can try to navigate it by making righteous choices. Righteousness will then protect us from sin and pain.

OK, that's not really true. No mortal man can be righteous enough to avoid sin, and even the most righteous are still vulnerable to the all sorts of painful experiences, like accidents, sicknesses, natural disasters, deaths of loved ones, ugly breakups, disappointment, and all the rest. All righteous choices can do is make you a prime candidate for the Celestial Kingdom. It's the kind of protection you might expect from a shady insurance company, but with even foggier details.

When it comes to the cost of all of this, apparently it was enormous: the blood sacrifice of one perfectly righteous demi-god. Never mind that that God got a full return on his investment within a few hours. Which one of your children would you give up to die horribly if you knew you could get him or her right back?

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Whittling our wicks

Even though Jesus supposedly fulfilled the Law of Moses and the uncircumcised have been initiated into God's covenant people since the days of Paul, Mormons in the United States still think it's a very good idea to have their newborn sons' prepuce paired down a tich.

I'm really can't imagine why God thought circumcision was a good practice in the first place. Or why it would be necessary. Didn't God create our bodies just the way he wanted them? So why'd he come back at us with a design adjustment?

 (Circumcision comes at the end...)

For some strange reason, God thought circumcision might be an effective sign of fidelity to him even though the only people who would see this physical sign were the circumcised men and their wives. It would have made more sense to trim down earlobes or something more visible and less functional. Oh well, God's not exactly known for his logic - mystery is more his game.

Let me ask you this: WHY WOULD YOU WORSHIP A BEING WHO SAYS "IF YOU LOVE ME  CUT YOUR PENIS!"? That's pretty messed up. If this reminds you of any of your intimate relationship I recommend you get out of them before you incur any further abuse.

Moving now to modern Mormonism, why exactly it is that members are so okay with this painful and presumptuous practice puzzles me. My guess is that it has more to do with being a part of American culture than than it does God's culture. (Then again, maybe God's insecure enough that he requires all his boys' penises to look like his.)

Mormons (and Americans in general), please stop cutting your sons. If they want the snip they can decide for themselves later. InthenameofOiledJoshua,Amen!

Wives #37-#49 and beyond

In addition to the 36 known wives of Joseph Smith, there are thirteen more known possible wives:

#37 - Mary Houston
#38 - Sarah Scott
#39 - Olive Andrews
#40 - Jane Tippets
#41 - Sophia Sanburn
#42 - Phoebe Watrous Woodworth
#43 - Vienna Jacques
#44 - Clarissa Reed Hancock
#45 - Mrs. Blossom
#46 - Mary Huston
#47 - Cordelia Clarista Morley
#48 - Nancy Maria Smith
#49 - Sophia Woodman

Yes, these marriages are not widely accepted, but neither were the other 36. ALL OF JOSEPH'S MARRIAGES WERE OFFICIATED IN SECRET, BEHIND SOMEONE'S BACK. Typically it was behind Emma's back.

Why should we not believe that Joseph married more women than we now know of?

We do know that Joseph propositioned men for their wives. Sometimes he told them it was an Abrahamic test (which was really quite shitty of him, if you ask me, partially because the proposed sacrifice of Isaac was such a horrible thing in the first place). Obviously he propositioned a number of women without their husband's knowledge or consent. Even his marriage to Emma took place against Isaac Hale's wishes.

How many women did Joseph really marry? Why did he have to marry so many? Why did none of his plural marriages conform to the rules he received? Are we honestly to believe that the angel commanding him to start polygamy showed up with a flaming sword but not a simple set of rules?

In addition to Fanny Alger, how many women did Joseph seduce without using the whole plural marriage scheme? It's no secret that he deeply enjoyed the company of women. Who else succumbed to his charm and power?

What are we to believe is godly and right about any of this? Is this how God works? Is it not clear why so many people find out about these things and begin to seriously doubt?

Helen Mar Kimball (Smith) Whitney - wife #27

Helen Kimball (August 22, 1828 - November 13, 1896) was the daughter of Heber Kimball, perhaps biggest horse's dick of all the early Mormon polygamists. Heber was so fucking classy he decided it was a great idea to hand fourteen-year-old Helen - his only daughter - over to Joseph Smith as a wife. Fourteen years old! Then again, Heber would have done anything to be eternally close to Joseph. Even Helen saw that her dad was obsessed enough with being sealed to Joseph Smith and saw herself as a spotless offering on her father's behalf. (Heber stayed obsessed by the desire to be sealed to Joseph to the day he died when on his death bed he asked his wife Sarah, who was sealed to Joseph, to intercede on his behalf.)

Helen was three when her parents joined the Church. They moved to Kirtland, where Heber was ordained an apostle, in 1835. They eventually moved to Nauvoo, where they settled near the temple lot.

Heber, not Joseph, was the one to approach Helen about polygamy. He gave her 24 hours to think things over. Helen was repulsed by the idea, as was her mother, Vilate Murray, who had seen how challenging plural marriage was for other women. But this was all about Heber's salvation. Helen agreed to do it and Vilate sorrowfully consented.

Helen was Joseph's fourth teen bride in a row in less than a month. So many virgins! Yay!

I'm not sure who the hell decides to marry his friend's fourteen year old. I actually doubt it was Joseph's idea; I think it was Heber's. I also think Joseph should have told Heber to cool his fucking jets and at least give it a few more years. I don't know if Joseph slept with a Helen, but I also can't see why he wouldn't. Either way, the marriage changed Helen's life significantly. She was no longer allowed to be a young girl and enjoy her previous social life. She absolutely hated polygamy.

No dancing for you, young Mrs.!

Almost two years after Joseph was killed at Carthage jail Helen married Horace Whitney (pictured above). Helen was still sealed (in fact, resealed at the time of her marriage to Horace) to Joseph, and Horace was sealed to Elizabeth Sykes, who was dead. They had eleven children: Helen, William, Horace, Vilate, Orson, Elizabeth, Genevieve, Helen (again), Charles, Florence, Phebe.

I wonder what their eternal family will look like. Will Helen and Joseph get the kids? Will Helen and Horace? Will Horace and Elizabeth? Will they all just share? Why don't these sealings resemble our sealings today?

Not surprisingly, Helen came around to polygamy. In her later years she became an advocate for it. She died in Salt Lake City.

Lucy Walker (Smith) Kimball - wife #24

Lucy Walker (April 30, 1826 - October 5, 1910) moved with her parents and siblings to Nauvoo in the spring of 1841. She saw her family fall apart the following January when her mother died of malaria, Joseph Smith sent her devastated father, John, on a mission, and her and her nine siblings were split up upon Joseph's instruction. Lucy, along three of the other older children, were taken in by the Smiths. She was fifteen at the time.

 "You have Just such a family [daughter?] as I could love." Joseph Smith, Jr.

One day Joseph decided to teach Lucy about plural marriage. He told her that God told him to marry her. He told her it would save her mother. He told her it had to be secret for now but he would recognize her openly as a wife one day beyond the Rocky Mountains. He told her to pray about it. When Lucy hesitated he told her she had until the next day to decide adding that it was a commandment from God. He told her that if she refused heaven's gates would be closed to her forever.

What would you have done? Lucy was distraught. She, of course, decided to place herself on the altar. They were married by William Clayton on May 1, 1843 - the day after her seventeenth birthday. Emma, who was away on business, was not privy in the slightest to this marriage. Neither was Lucy's father.

Lucy, speaking of her marriage to Joseph, stated that she lived with him as a wife (THEY HAD SEX) but it "was not a love matter [...] - at least on my part it was not, but simply the giving up of myself as a sacrifice."

Lucy married Heber Kimball after Joseph's death. They had nine children: Rachel, John, Willard, Lydia, Ann, Eliza (mother of Spencer Kimball), Washington, Joshua, and Franklin.

Sacrificing Abraham

For many doubters the smokiest of Mormon guns is The Book of Abraham. At this point I would imagine that most Mormons are aware of the fact that there are a few problems with Joseph Smith's translation of the scrolls. If you are unaware, you absolutely must watch this video:

I've been waiting for the Church to release a more in depth defense of The Book of Abraham like it has recently done for several other sticky issues, but obviously the folks over in the PR department are taking their time with this one.

How can they possibly set this mess straight? We can only wonder. Can Mormonism simply throw Abraham to the dogs?

The Atonement

The very most important thing we can possibly learn during our sojourn on planet Earth is that Jesus Christ, the Son of the Living God, came to Earth as a Man and died for the sins of all Mankind. This is the one truth that can set us free. Believe and be saved!

But how does killing a man like Jesus, the Lamb of God, change anything for anyone anywhere at any time in history? When has physical punishment ever righted any wrong at any point in history?

Does spanking a child undo the goose egg on his little brother's head? Does washing your mouth out with soap undo the bad words you said? Does chopping off a thief's hand unsteal what's been stolen? Does whipping a disobedient person undo previous insubordination? Does killing a murderer bring a victim back to life? How does physical punishment improve the situation rather than merely add more pain to what already been suffered?

Is it possible that the physical punishment and death required by the Atonement have nothing to do with undoing past offenses and more to do with "paying" for them as though God has some kind of price index for offensive behavior? What's the cost in beads of blood for a sip of prohibited coffee? What's the cost for treating your car like an idol? What's the cost for loving your faithful dog more than your dishonorable father? What's the cost of sleeping through 20 minutes of sacrament meeting? What's the cost of neglecting to tell your children you love them? What's the cost of not sharing the Gospel with your asshole neighbors? What's the cost of calling someone an asshole? And why does the law requiring the Atonement seem to be based on earthly laws of economics?

It seems like we should maybe have some answers for these questions. We often pose the rhetorical question "how much blood was shed for me?" but we've never been given the formula to calculate our contribution to Jesus' suffering.

What if our misbehavior actually contributed to something good? Does it still count against us? What if our calling someone an asshole caused that person to reconsider his assholeishness and eventually repent of his ways? What if our obvious boredom in church encourages the teacher to actually put some effort into preparing his next lesson? What if our neglect to show affection teaches someone to be more affectionate? What if our act of murder saves an entire nation from dwindling in unbelief? Do we get bonus points?

Should we even consider the cost in blood of shortcomings? Jesus suffered for our shortcomings, right? How much does being a bad speller cost? How much does knowing nothing about coding cost? How much does being a slow runner cost? How much does being a horrible lover cost? How much does not capturing even one Pokemon cost?

Why do we have to kill someone over any of this? I struggled a lot with this question. Why a blood sacrifice of a perfect god-human? How does this make sense to anyone?

How does an hour in the Garden of Gethsemane and a few hours on the cross by one person cover the sins of billions of people who lived over the course of thousands of years? How is an "infinite" atonement made in finite time? Why do we even need an "infinite" atonement to cover a finite number of sins performed by a finite number of people? How many sins per minute did Jesus suffer? Did he take on the big ones first and save all the little sins for last so he could manage his time more wisely, kind of like in the object lesson of the jar of rocks and sand?

The more I thought about it, the more ridiculous the Atonement became. (On the topic of the ridiculousness of the Atonement, I also recommend reading this essay by Robert Price.) I realized that I do not believe causing one person to suffer makes someone else better. I do not believe that anyone's blood can spiritually cleanse anything. I do not believe physical punishment has the power to repair or repay. I do not subscribe to such out-dated concepts of justice.

So what does Christianity have left to offer me? What is Mormonism without "the infinite virtue of His great atoning sacrifice"? What was I without a belief in Jesus' atoning role?

Yahweh vs. other gods

Throughout the Old Testament Jehovah worries incessantly that his people will turn to other gods. As I made my way through the entire Bible for the first time it became increasingly clear that to Jehovah and the Israelites the gods of other nations were taken pretty seriously. Jehovah & Co. weren't so much about converting other people to the one true god as much as defeating the other gods and decimating their followers in a show of strength. A few quick examples of Jehovah out to annihilate might include Moses freeing the Israelites from the Egyptians, the Israelites taking over the land of Canaan, and the story of Elijah calling fire down from the sky to burn his offering.

The Elijah story's a little odd, if you ask me, because Jehovah and Elijah behave so badly. First Elijah insults the prophets of Baal, suggesting that Baal might be busy taking a shit because Baal isn't igniting the wood under their sacrifice. That's when Elijah gets showy and orders people to dowse his alter with water so it would be especially hard to light. And Jehovah's totally cool with this sort of braggart showmanship. He sends down his divine flame to consume the offering, and Elijah gathers all the prophets of Baal and kills them despite their recognition that Jehovah was the true god.

What the hell, right? What about baptizing people and accepting them into your midst after they have seen the truth of your words and have confessed belief in God?

Once again I found myself doubting my beliefs in Jehovah/Jesus the more I read the texts that were supposed to convince me.