Lucy Walker (Smith) Kimball - wife #24

Lucy Walker (April 30, 1826 - October 5, 1910) moved with her parents and siblings to Nauvoo in the spring of 1841. She saw her family fall apart the following January when her mother died of malaria, Joseph Smith sent her devastated father, John, on a mission, and her and her nine siblings were split up upon Joseph's instruction. Lucy, along three of the other older children, were taken in by the Smiths. She was fifteen at the time.

 "You have Just such a family [daughter?] as I could love." Joseph Smith, Jr.

One day Joseph decided to teach Lucy about plural marriage. He told her that God told him to marry her. He told her it would save her mother. He told her it had to be secret for now but he would recognize her openly as a wife one day beyond the Rocky Mountains. He told her to pray about it. When Lucy hesitated he told her she had until the next day to decide adding that it was a commandment from God. He told her that if she refused heaven's gates would be closed to her forever.

What would you have done? Lucy was distraught. She, of course, decided to place herself on the altar. They were married by William Clayton on May 1, 1843 - the day after her seventeenth birthday. Emma, who was away on business, was not privy in the slightest to this marriage. Neither was Lucy's father.

Lucy, speaking of her marriage to Joseph, stated that she lived with him as a wife (THEY HAD SEX) but it "was not a love matter [...] - at least on my part it was not, but simply the giving up of myself as a sacrifice."

Lucy married Heber Kimball after Joseph's death. They had nine children: Rachel, John, Willard, Lydia, Ann, Eliza (mother of Spencer Kimball), Washington, Joshua, and Franklin.

Fiery salamanders and slippery treasures

I heard about the Mark Hofmann forgeries only a few years ago when a sibling mentioned them to me in passing. I didn't look up Hofmann or read anything about the forgeries right away because, as juicy as it all was, I expected nothing less from our modern prophets, seers, and revelators.

Page 1 of the "Salamander Letter"

In a nutshell, Hofmann was an amazing forger who produced a number of documents relating to early LDS Church history. These forged documents compromised the Church's position of authority to such an extent that Gordon Hinckley, who was serving as a councilor to Spencer Kimball, got directly involved in the purchasing and hiding of the Hofmann forgeries. There's plenty of literature out there on topic (like this, this, or this) if you'd like all the nefarious details.

We can all agree that Mark Hofmann did terrible things and hurt a lot of people - killing two - but his story should find its way onto everyone's lists of doubts because of how badly the Church handled him. First off the Church showed zero power of discernment with regards to Hofmann's evil intents. The Church showed zero power of discernment with regard to the content of invented documents. Instead, the Church's behavior indicates that top leaders find the existence of such documents entirely plausible. The Church proved that it was willing to spend hundreds of thousands of (early 1980s) dollars to control compromising documents. And top leadership was more than eager to keep the content of the forgeries a secret from the general Church membership and the world in what can only be described as outright deception.

How could our prophets, seers, and revelators be so naive? How could they be so shady? Why should we trust the Church's whitewashed version of history when it's obvious that they themselves do not? Isn't it cause for concern when our top leaders are so preoccupied with an potential expose of early Mormon insanity? It's frankly incriminating.

Let love in

Mormons are taught early on that they want to be married in the temple. We've been taught that if someone can't or doesn't want to get married in the temple, we should kick their sorry ass to the curb.

George Durrant reported a conversation he had with his fifteen-year-old son. He had asked him, “Where are you going to get married?”

“In the temple,” was the reply.

“Why?”

“I’ve just never thought of getting married anywhere else.”

“Why?” the father pressed.

“Well, that’s where you go so you can be married forever.”

“But,” the father asked, “what if you meet a girl who doesn’t feel that the temple is that important?”

There was a long pause. Then he replied, “Dad, I wouldn’t marry her.”

I can just imagine the numerous conversations shared between Mormon couples in love when they discover that the temple has been eliminated from the equation. My heart swells at all the tear drenched "I'm sorry"s and the understanding "go fuck yourself, you unworthy pig"s that have sent eternal dreams summer-salting off the highway of holy love and into a cold gray ditch of empty Big Gulps and soggy cigarettes. Tragic.

Tragic, but necessary. We can't be placing love of another human over our love for Mormonism. Marriage is so much more. Some teachers of the youth even complain about the expression "marry in the temple" because they feel it makes light of the ordinance and prefer instead "to call the Lord’s way of marriage the 'sealing ordinance' or 'being sealed.'" This isn't just a marriage, it's a godly right of passage; this togetherness isn't simply for time, it's FOR ETERNITY.

Sealings are more than just some silly hoopla Mormons have added to their religion in attempts to legitimize polygamy or an attempt to create an analogous rite to the the highest sacrament of Catholicism, and anyone telling you otherwise is just speculating. The fact is that as much as God loves you, he can't respect your love unless you proved your commitment to him and your spouse at one of his alters. Period. God's house is a house of order (D&C 132:8), and there's nothing confusing or disorderly about making sure everyone on earth who loves him marries in his holy house. So don't worry about the guy who's sealed to three different women, all of whom learned to hate him deeply and divorced him; don't worry about if the atheist grandfather you vicariously sealed to your grandmother probably won't accept the ordinance but your grandma probably will; don't worry that Joseph Smith was sealed to 11 women who were already married to other Mormon leaders; don't worry about your brother who's sealed to an unfaithful woman who doesn't love or deserve him; don't worry about anything, it all makes sense to God.

And yet sometimes I can't help but think about how hard it can be for people to find love and how often the love they find lies outside of their religious culture. Sometimes I think about God being a completely loving and completely understanding father and just how his love and understanding might play out in the eternities. At times I think how strange it is that so many Mormon grandparents are convinced that all you need is a penis, a vagina, and two strong testimonies for a marriage to work. (It's almost as though Spencer Kimball said this: "it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.) And maybe it is a little funny that Mormon kids think that they will conveniently find the person they will marry within their very limited ward boundaries.

Instead of pushing love away because temple requirements get in the way, wouldn't it be more respectful and loving in many cases to trust in God's love and celebrate the love a couple shares with each other? For many people life is too short and too hard to go it alone. It's also true that Mormonism can be very harsh on its single members. Can't God let his children embrace love and companionship as it presents itself without putting harsh parameters on who qualifies?

Mormon house tour

Here we are...

Welcome to our home! We're so excited to share with you the ways in which we've made our house a haven of love and spiritual devotion! Come on in!

So we've recently repainted! Everything used to be off white but, as you can tell, the light greenish gray thing going on really matches the stucco exterior of the home so much better! Please also note the adorable "HOME" decoration that let's everybody know that this is friendly place where all can feel comfortable and loved! And on the opposite side of the entry way we have the true head of the household, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!

We hang His picture here so everyone knows the second they come in and as they're on their way out that our Savior not only lives and loves us, but He's also an integral part of our family! He's literally our oldest brother! We would be nothing with out Him and His eternal sacrifice that allows us to be together forever in the eternities! And now for the rest of us! (He he he!)

As you can see we kind of agreed on a family uniform of sorts because it's so ridiculously cute! And also because all of our neighbors do this sort of thing for their family photos! And also to remind everyone who comes in that some of us have penises and are responsible for providing while others of us have vaginas and should be staying home with children! It's all part of our Heavenly Father's amazing Plan of Happiness!

Oh my gosh, you haven't heard of the Plan of Happiness?? It's so amazing and so beautiful and totally proof that Heavenly Father loves us so much! It's all about the family! Basically God will let families be together forever if the husband and wife are sealed (just a fancy way of saying "married"!) in the temple! Our prophet and apostles a few years ago (okay, like almost 20 years ago!) wrote down this incredibly inspired explanation of what a family is and what it should do! It basically says that we were all spiritual penises and vaginas before we ever gained a body (by being born!) and that we all need to be heterosexual and perform within the so called "traditional" gender roles of 1950s America! It's so cool and so true!

But anyway, this is where it all happens! This is the temple! (Well really it's just the most famous of like, I don't know, probably hundreds of Mormon temples across the entire planet!) This is where a young breeding couple goes to be sealed! Going to the temple is so sacred and so important that we never completely explain to our children what goes on inside, but we do like to hang pictures of temples, like this one, all over the house!

Our prophet, President Thomas S. Monson said it's the right thing to do because another prophet said so. "To you parents of young children, may I share with you some sage advice from President Spencer W. Kimball. Said he: 'It would be a fine thing if … parents would have in every bedroom in their house a picture of the temple so [their children] from the time [they are] infant[s] could look at the picture every day [until] it becomes a part of [their lives]. When [they reach] the age that [they need] to make [the] very important decision [concerning going to the temple], it will have already been made'” and he thinks that's a great idea and consequently so do we! Mormon's love to agree with the prophets because they're always right, so we all tend to have a collection of temple pictures hanging about our homes as though they're fine art or something!

And speaking of fine art, here's this beauty!

This is George Fucking Washington! The biggest badass to never be Mormon! But he would have been, a guaranfuckingtee it! Look how piously he prays in a grove of trees just like Joseph Smith did! I wouldn't be surprised in the least if he saw an angel that day!

We also like just about anything by Brother McNaughton! Look at Obama stepping on the Constitution of the United States! Whoever voted for that guy??

Sorry to get political there, but we all know bad things are happening here in the U.S.! I mean, look at gay marriage! The gays are basically shoving their gayness in our faces and down our throats! Even our oldest daughter struggles with same sex attraction! (But we still love her, especially because she's being so diligent about fighting her homosexual tendencies and is staying married to her husband she hasn't had sex with in years!) It's crazy what people think is okay to do! No, it's horrible! Satan really has a lot of influence over the children of Man!

That's why we have to send out so many missionaries! All of our kids have served missions as they have come of age! We have to tell the world that we have standards that we will not back down from! We have a message of love for everyone! And we can't get discouraged when people don't understand that message and reject it! But we can't give up either! Ever!

Framed quotes like these on almost every wall of the house keep me focused and happy! They teach me who I am and make me proud to be that person!

And I'm not the only one who appreciates a little encouragement! Fortunately there are entire stores dedicated to producing and selling these types of wonderful, spiritually uplifting messages for us to fill our homes with! It's such a blessing! It also makes finding gifts for all occasions so much easier!

Thanks so much for coming! We loved having you over and hope you too felt that special spirit that exists only inside a Mormon home! And remember, that special spirit can be yours, if you want it! Maybe we should have you over next week for an FHE with the missionaries!

Avert thy eyes!

In addition to creating the allusion of threat from associating with non-Mormons (especially apostate Mormons) and indulging in reading anything other than testimony-bolstering words, Mormons also face the threat of other bad influences in the media.

Movies and videos are extremely dangerous, so dangerous in fact that the leaders of the Church have for decades told members to not watch films with particular MPAA ratings. Thank God, Jesus Christ, and Holy Ghost we have prophets to make decisions for us and those decisions are based on the decisions of a small anonymous group under the control of the film-making industry. Then again, what if we have reason to distrust the MPAA? And how do the MPAA ratings translate into ratings in other countries anyway? How can it be that 12-year-old members in the UK can watch The King's Speech but in the US and Canada the R rating would keep obedient Mormon adults from seeing the film? That's a pretty big rating discrepancy.

Mormons are very aware of the conundrum and love to discuss it.  The Church, however, is very clear, especially when addressing the youth.

"Satan uses media [HE DOES??] to deceive you by making what is wrong and evil look normal, humorous, or exciting. He tries to mislead you into thinking that breaking God’s commandments is acceptable and has no negative consequences for you or others. Do not attend, view, or participate in anything that is vulgar [LIKE BOY SCOUT CAMPS], immoral [LIKE MOVIES THAT DEPICT LAMANITES AS MAYANS], violent [LIKE THE STORY OF JESUS' DEATH], or pornographic in any way [STAPLE THE PAGES OF THE SONG OF SOLOMON TOGETHER AND NEVER READ THEM!]. Do not participate in anything that presents immorality or violence as acceptable [LIKE READING ABOUT NEPHI JUSTIFYING DECEPTION, MURDER, AND COERCION]. Have the courage to walk out of a movie, change your music, or turn off a computer, television, or mobile device if what you see or hear drives away the Spirit [FOR ME THAT WOULD INCLUDE THE SEMINARY SCRIPTURE SOUNDTRACKS AND ALL EFY MUSIC COMPILATIONS]."

The logic of this statement has long been presented through the following Mormon Ad.

Not to worry, North American Mormons have their ways of enjoying the ice cream without the cockroaches. Thanks to illegal film editors in Utah and ClearPlay, people all over the country (not just Mormons) have been able to binge on all the cockroach-free ice cream they wanted.

Then again, isn't it a little superficial to redub dirty words and cut the nudie scenes? Isn't there more going on in a film or song? Aren't there other elements to art that can make it offensive? Can't we all think of a movie that objectifies women horribly without ever showing nudity, or a game that maybe doesn't show gore but has more perpetual violence and killing than even Saving Private Ryan? And aren't there at least a couple of movies out there that have a nude sex scene or a graphic murder that actually teach wholesome, conservative values? What about Requiem for a Dream? I bet you can't find a D.A.R.E. officer who wouldn't love for every teen in the US to watch that movie!

Why should Mormons, or anyone else, be content ruling out thousands upon thousands of movies, music, etc. because there are more than a couple of occurrences of the word "fuck," or just one occurrence in a sexual context? Are we that blind to the real world? Can we honestly not take the responsibility upon ourselves to determine what is uplifting and what we feel isn't going to benefit us?

Oh, whatever! Most Mormons ignore this whole "no R-rated movie" thing anyway. Watch whatever the hell want.