Ronny Rasband criticized

I think it's only fair that we take a look a the words of our newly called apostles. Which ones were visited of Christ on the road to Damascus? Which ones were chosen Michael Corleone-style ("I don't need tough guys. I need more lawyers")? Let's start with Elder Rasband as he's highest on the ladder. What follows is his recent General Conference talk with my comments.

My dear brothers and sisters throughout the world, I’m very grateful to the First Presidency for inviting me to share my humble testimony this Sabbath day. The words of a favorite Latter-day Saint hymn describe my current feelings:

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me, (Jesus? I thought you were talking about your gratitude toward the First Presidency.)

Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me. … (Are you hiding sins from him? Repent!)

I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine

To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine, (It's definitely a rare trip for him.)

That he should extend his great love unto such as I, (Give yourself a break! Remember, he made you the way you are so he'd have to be a total jerk to deny you his love because you're a flawed being.)

Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify. … (I could probably do without you, if that makes you feel any better.)

Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me! (It's always all about you, isn't it?)

A few days ago I had the great privilege to meet with the First Presidency and receive this call from our dear prophet, President Thomas S. Monson. Not from Jesus? Are you just trusting Tommy is passing along JC's divine word? If so, how does that make you a "special witness of Christ"? I want to witness to all of you of the strength and love President Monson had as he said to me, “This call comes from the Lord Jesus Christ.” Later in this conference we got to see some of that strength as he finished a talk entirely slumped over the pulpit. It sounds like you're putting all your bets on the charisma of an elderly man and none on an experience with divinity.

I am overwhelmed and shaken to my very core to consider the import and significance of those words so tenderly spoken by our loving prophet. This is the second time you mention love, but what about reality or truth? Lies and falsehoods can be spoken in loving tones. President Monson, President Eyring, President Uchtdorf, I love you and will serve the Lord and you with all of my heart, might, mind, and strength. Way to kiss the ring, buddy.

Oh, how I have loved President Boyd K. Packer and Elders L. Tom Perry and Richard G. Scott. Oh, who cares? What's important is that you can bear "special witness" of Jesus Christ. I dearly miss them. I assume they were friends of yours to some degree. I'm sorry for your loss. I am blessed to have been trained and taught at the feet of these dear Brethren. The ass kissing here isn't warming my heart. Sorry. Not in the smallest part am I able to walk in their shoes, yet I am honored to stand tall on their shoulders and carry on in the Lord’s ministry. WTF? This exaggerated humility thing is repugnant. Can you, or can you not testify to having seen and spoken with the resurrected Jesus?

When I think of those who have helped make me who I am, I think first of my sweet and selfless eternal companion, Melanie. "Sweet"? Of course, that's how Mormons like their women, sweet and self-sacrificing. Through the years, she has helped mold me like potter’s clay into a more polished disciple of Jesus Christ. Like in the movie Ghost, right? That's some sexy shit. Her love and support, and that of our 5 children, their spouses, and our 24 grandchildren, sustain me. Really? You had to share the numbers? When are Mormons going to stop bragging with posterity tallies? To my dear family, I love you. This is the best line of your talk so far.

"This represents the penis of our Lord. We seek after this thing."

Like Nephi of old, I was born of goodly parents in the gospel and they of goodly parents back six generations. Huh? Are you dissing your ancestors seven generations back or just prepping us for a brag about your long LDS lineage? My earliest ancestors who joined the Church were from England and Denmark. Like everyone else in Utah. These early pioneers gave their all to the gospel of Jesus Christ and leave a legacy for their posterity to follow. Low education and a propensity for credulity? I am so grateful for a multigenerational Latter-day Saint family, and I know this is a worthy goal for all of us to strive for. Are you shitting on people who don't have a multigenerational LDS family "legacy"? What's so great about it anyway?

Many others have contributed to preparing my life for this new call. They include my childhood friends and family, early leaders, teachers, and lifelong mentors. This sounds a lot like my mission farewell talk. It also sounds a bit like an award acceptance speech. I hope you thank God or Jesus here soon. I must include those from my early mission to the eastern states and our beloved missionaries from the New York New York North Mission. Ah, I get what this is. It's your Mormon resume. You have to let us know why you were hired for the job. For the many who have influenced and shaped my life, I am most grateful. You're most welcome, probably. 

I have cherished serving with my Brethren of the Seventy. For 15 years I have been in one of the greatest quorums and loving brotherhoods of the Church. Thank you, my dear fellow servants. Now suck it, cuz I'm a mo'fuckin' apostle, bitchez!! Now I look forward to belonging to a new quorum. A quorum not shared with anyone who isn't white and sporting two really big testicles. President Russell M. Nelson, my love is deep for you and each member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. I'll "anoint" you with oil any time you want.

Sister Rasband and I have been blessed to visit members during many assignments in congregations and missions around the world. We love the Latter-day Saints everywhere! Naturally. Your faith has increased our faith; your testimonies have added to our testimony. You know what, I'm going to have to agree with you on this. There's something empowering about traveling the world and seeing Mormons abroad do their best to be like you and adopt your way of thinking. It makes you feel like your way really is the right way and you want to cheer them on. It's pretty much an imperialistic ego boost, but it's there. It's real.

Now, if I could leave one small message with you today, it would be this: the Lord has said, “Love one another; as I have loved you.” That's one of JC's finer messages. I’m confident that there is no choice, sin, or mistake that you or anyone else can make that will change His love for you or for them. And yet you quoted a song at the beginning of your talk that expresses a sort of disbelief that he would love you at all. Isn't that a bit inconsistent of you? That does not mean He excuses or condones sinful conduct—I’m sure He does not—but it does mean we are to reach out to our fellowman in love to invite, persuade, serve, and rescue. What makes you so sure that he doesn't "excuse or condone sinful conduct"? Did he talk to you about it? I also don't understand your transition from "Jesus loves you" to "that means we have to reach out and save people". Jesus loves us so we have to reach out and save? If he loves us why doesn't he reach out? And why do we have to save people when Jesus, the Savior allegedly already took care of that? Jesus Christ looked past people’s ethnicity, rank, and circumstances in order to teach them this profound truth. But he took special care to select white men in Utah to teach this... um... "profound truth".

I have been asked many times when I received my testimony. I can’t remember not believing in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Because you were born in an active LDS family that took special care to effectively cultivate you. Had you been born in another part of the world, just imagine what you wouldn't remember not believing. I have loved Them since I learned of Them at the knees of my angel mother, reading scripture and gospel stories. "Them"? You're a polytheist? "Angel mother"? Are you putting your mother on some ridiculous pedestal or are you semi-divine? That early belief has now grown into a knowledge and a witness of a loving Heavenly Father, who hears and answers our prayers. A knowledge based on what? YOU SAW HEAVENLY FATHER??? Why did you switch from a first person singular (I) to plural (our)? My testimony of Jesus Christ has been built from many special experiences in which I have come to know His great love for each one of us. What "special" experiences? It sounds like you're trying to justify your calling to apostleship, but you're definitely avoiding a description of any experience that would undoubtedly qualify you for this position. This whole talk is about laying out your resume and this is the one line that matters. Why leave it out?

I’m grateful for our Savior’s Atonement and wish like Alma to shout it with the trump of God. Comparing yourself to Nephi and now Alma? You're fucking awesome! I know that Joseph Smith is God’s prophet of the Restoration and that the Book of Mormon is the word of God. How do you know that? Good feelings? And I know that President Thomas S. Monson is God’s true servant and prophet on the earth today. Because he gave you a promotion?

As we follow our prophet, I pray that we may have charity in our hearts toward others and that we will become a living witness and indeed “stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers [us].” WTF? You just threw a bunch of nice sounding stuff into a sentence without worrying if it made sense or not. Rewrite. Oh, may it be “wonderful, wonderful to [you and to] me.” In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Ronny, I believe you have mastered Mormon speech like a true Utahn. I believe you'll make a great non-prophetic, non-revealing, non-seeing apostle of the LDS Church.

Mormon vs. secular - where we're going

WHERE AM I GOING? WHAT HAPPENS AFTER I DIE?

We all ask ourselves these question from time to time, don't we? They're two of life's greatest mysteries... unless you're a Mormon. If you're a Mormon you're pretty sure that you're not going anywhere. Check it out. When you die you'll roam the Spirit World (probably just another dimension of our physical earth) as a missionary seeking to teach of Christ and convert the spirits restricted to Spirit Prison (yet another earth dimension?) to the One True Church. Then you'll be resurrected into a perfect body! Then you'll be judged by Joseph Smith or whoever he's delegated judgment to. But you'll be found spotless because you've truly repented and been saved through Christ's Atonement! And you'll be welcomed with open arms by Heavenly Father, the Great Elohim himself, into the Celestial Kingdom, which just happens to be... EARTH! But not like it is now. Earth will be exalted and perfected as well, which means it will be a gigantic seer stone, or Urim & Thummin. It will be beautiful and we'll all be immeasurably happy forever.

Now if you're not good enough you'll still have a perfect resurrected body (so that's good news) but you won't get to live on a crystal ball with the rest of us and if you're really, really bad (like, apostate bad!) you'll have to float around sadly in absolute nothingness with Satan and his defeated angels. That would totally suck, so for the love of God don't apostatize please.

Secularists really have nothing on this happy explanation. They think our bodies just decompose and enter that whole stupid scientific circle of life bullshit, and make no claims about an eternal spirit (because they're too afraid to make BIG CLAIMS without any backing evidence at all!). How is anyone supposed to be sold on something so... natural? It's like they think we're supposed to observe the world and somehow conclude that we human beings are just a part of it instead the purpose for it!

Mormons clearly have the better explanation. Never mind that it produces an endless string of unanswerable questions that quickly lead to ludicrous and infantile notions of what life after death must be like. Thinking too much about it might lead to doubt and we don't need any more of that!

Mormon vs. secular - the meaning of life

The LDS Church is very proud of how it answers the question "why are we here?" Mormons totally know what it's all about:

CHOICES!

"Pick a side, breh!"

Life, dear brothers and sisters, is one big test. Heavenly Father wants us to prove to him that we can make the right choices while in our mortal bodies (hint: choose the right, y'all!)

Here's how it works: Heavenly Father gave us free agency on earth in part so we could experience the joy of being wrong from time to time in order to learn how to be right all the time. God wants us to be perfect, just like he is, but that requires a fierce trial of our faith (God's very into testing our fidelity, BTW).  Part of that trial involves an invisible host tempting us and trying to deceive us. We have to figure out when those devils are speaking to us. See, God wants us to make mistakes so we can learn, BUT he also hates mistakes because they're either totally below him or just down right evil (he refers to many human shortcomings as sin) and won't let anyone around him who makes them. So what he did was make a law that it's OK to kill a perfect someone (in our case Jesus) to somehow make up for all the bad decisions we're responsible for. So we're responsible for learning to being better but mostly just responsible for learning about Jesus and being grateful to God for killing him sacrificially to himself for us. In other words, he needs to know that we are smart enough to accept the Atonement for all the mistakes we've made, and we do that by being baptized and then joyfully sitting in church for three hours on Sunday and various other long hours throughout the week.

Sign us up for team Most High God!

It's not too hard to see why someone might not get on board with this plan right away - mostly because that whole vicarious sacrificial atonement part makes absolutely no sense. Satan (our spirit brother formerly known by his Latin moniker, Lucifer) was one of those spirits who didn't like God's plan, and - even though God's plan clearly called for a bunch of rebellious spirits to trip up the non-rebellious as best they could - somehow he was too fucking stupid to realize that by not accepting God's plan he would totally become the sorry ass evil spirit to plague the children of men. So this totally fucking stupid Satan made his own ludicrous plan, in which he would somehow force everyone to behave themselves by somehow denying them any kind of autonomous control of their thoughts and actions (we don't have any more specific details than that) so we'd never make mistakes and all be perfect so God wouldn't have a problem with us being around him after we die. The problem is no one can learn and be happy with someone else making all their decisions for him or her.

Satan's sad evil drone clones.

Now we come back to where we started, according to Mormon thought, to be happy we must make our own decisions. If you don't believe it, just look how unhappy people are under dictators! So make your own choices, learn, and learn to be happy. Just make doubly goddamn sure you believe killing Jesus magically liberates you of your every sin and weakness, get baptized, become a member of the One True Church, pay 10% of your gross income to the Church, attend your weekly Sunday meetings, eat enchanted bread and pretend it's Jesus meat, drink enchanted water and pretend it's Jesus blood, think how the Brethren tell you to think, find another Mormon of the opposite sex who does all of the above, marry that person of the opposite sex in the House of the Lord, have sex, make babies, and teach them these marvelous truths... because otherwise God's going to be pissed and he won't let you hang out with him ever again!

"Shoo!"

What's that? You don't like how this is panning out? It doesn't sound meaningful enough? It sounds downright arbitrary? Really? Well what does the secular world offer you here? Is it any better? What according to the secular thought is life all about? I'll tell you: NOT MUCH!

Lame! You stole this from Jesus!

Waaa! You're so persecuted!

Secularist think you can make up your own meaning of life! They actually think you have the ability to come up with your own reasons for living! It's absurd! Find your niche and thrive in it, they say. Where would such absolute autonomy over your own life come from? Why not just accept and conform your life to Mormon meaning of life? It's easier and guaranteed to make you a god.

Heavenly messengers!

 "Whoa shit, guardian spirit dude! I wasn't even gonna touch 

your golden treasure, promise!"

As Mormons, we believe that Joseph Smith got his knowledge and authority from the Highest of Authorities, yea, even the Kings of the Most High: God the Father and Jesus the Father (first just the Jesus and then the both of 'em - it doesn't matter...).

"Joseph, they're all self-righteous assholes. 

And BTW, watch your fuckin' language around us."

But let's be honest, does that seem like a sufficient trump card for when others question your authority? Not when you don't even bother telling your family and followers that God the Father has spoken to you face to face. Instead Joseph dropped other names like Nephi/Moroni (he couldn't keep them straight at first), John the Baptist, Peter, James, and John. Only after he exhausted his some of these more recognizables he dropped the Elohim bomb on a few people. After that I'm sure it was easy to throw out that you've had special visits from the likes of Moses, Elijah, Elias, Paul, and just about everyone else worth meeting from the Bible and The Book of Mormon.

 "Touch touch... touch touch touching. Sooo much touching. Never enough touching..."

The early saints eventually got tired of trying to discuss scripture with Joseph. He wasn't even pretending to pray about issues and wait for a revelation, he'd just shut people up with a "Fuck you! How would you know what Paul's trying to say in that verse anyway? Well I've fucking talked with Paul, so screw you!" It was enough to get anyone to stand down.

Hooray for made up Bible folk!

However, now that Joseph's dead and we can all get a word in, let's reflect for a moment on all these heavenly visitations Joseph claimed to have had.

Considering his direct contact with so many heavy hitters, why did it take him so long to figure out so many Gospel principles? What kinds of empty conversations was Joseph having with his heavenly messengers? Why did it take so long for polygamy to get some rules? All these visits and no clarifications that Joseph needed to ask for Emma's permission? Why did the temple endowment show up so late in the game? What's all this "line upon line, here a little there a little" business? When you're enjoying frequent visitations by all these incredibly important individuals, how can we honestly believe that they wouldn't spell things out very carefully and clearly in a short time rather than spread out Restoration through an extremely muddled communication model of prayer and trial and error?

If I listen to my heart I have to say this all sounds like total bullshit, and that is why I must doubt my doubts.

Predicting Christ's New World visit

Around 600 BC father Lehi saw a vision of Christ and his apostles. He was even told that Christ would come visit the Lehites in the New World 600 years from their departure for the new promised land.

And yet despite that very explicit prophecy for centuries the following prophets are clueless. Look at how out of touch Alma is.

 

Unless everyone else was as ignorant as Alma, why would anyone be impressed by Samuel the Lamanite's prophecy? 

Why would this be? The answer could be as simple as this: Joseph Smith didn't know how he was going to bring about the advent of Jesus in the Americas during the earlier stages of writing The Book of Mormon, but by the time he finished up Moroni and went back to replace the missing 116 pages of manuscript with what became 1 Nephi through Words of Mormon he had the whole thing figured out and could include all the appropriate prophetic details.

Sound doubtful? Good. Doubt your heart out!

Johnny Rotten's thrown overboard

John Dehlin didn't make it. His court of love has sentenced him to spiritual death. He's been amputated from the body of Christ. He's finished. An apostate. Illegitimate.

If only he had doubted his doubts harder. He succumbed to the wiles of the Devil. He became prideful. He waved his dick in God's face and got fucked. Sorry, John, but because of you so many of us now have full faith in everything again.

God is great, Jesus saves, Mary was a chosen vessel, Joseph was a chosen instrument, Tommy's got the direct connection, in the holy name of Unctuous Josh, amen!

The evilest world

If there are so many other worlds inhabited by the children of God throughout the Universe, why were we here on Earth so lucky to host the Only Begotten of the Father? Well, the way I learned it was that the inhabitants of Earth were the very worst of everyone everywhere - the only people bad enough to kill the Son of God - and therefore needed Jesus the most.

First off let me say that whoever came up with this idea was an ass and Joseph Smith was a bigger ass for endorsing it. Why would our spirit brothers and sisters be any different than us when they have the same spiritual parentage, were exposed to the same ideas and learning processes in the Pre-Existence, fought in the same War in Heaven over the same issues, have to undergo the same "test" of faith and have the exact same potential to become like God? Do they have better access to angel messengers? Does Satan have less influence on them (because he was cast down to Earth and not Outer Darkness or Outer Space)? And if everyone is saved only through Jesus doesn't that mean that every single spirit child of God needs Jesus to exactly the same degree, or do people who don't swear and always tell their moms they love them only kind of need Jesus a little bit? The way I heard it growing up, even the amazing Joseph Smith was in dire need of the Atonement the same as all the other prophets.

Why do we sit through lessons on this stuff and humbly absorb it? Why don't we speak out against this drivel? Are we really so enamored with guilt that we can't shut this kind of shit down?

Graven images

 As a missionary I loved accusing Catholics of worshiping idols. It made me feel so superior. Hadn't they read the Bible, or God's sake? It's very clear:

Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. 

I think that means no statues of birds, or calves, or fish, or Satan, or prophets, or God, etc. Let's keep reading:

Yes.

Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.

I find it odd that God would feel so insecure about statues of stuff. Keep in mind he's not saying he feels self-conscious about how big a sculptor might make his nose or how small of a penis an artist might give him - he seriously just can't stand people using statues of any kind in worship. It doesn't seem to matter if the statue is nothing more than a vehicle to get people focused on God and his works. GOD FORBIDS ALL STATUES. 

Of course.

God's so touchy about this shit that he's totally willing to accuse users of statues of hating him and threatening their children. Yes, I know, he sounds like a asshole, but what I really want to point out here is that Mormons love their religious statues. 

Oh, that'd be perfect for the living room!

I reached a point where I had to doubt LDS adherence to Number Two of the Big Ten. That really sucked because it made criticizing Catholics so much harder.

 

Oh, my! Satan has such a strong hold on the World!

Christmas confusion: white Christmas

Once I hit my late teens I started wondering why the LDS Church was so insistent that Jesus (and other Biblical folks) looked so much like a white northern European. I was sure in my heart that Mormons knew full well that Jesus didn't look like a Scandinavian immigrant, but Mormon art suggests otherwise. Even this year's nativity video favors a very white Jesus.

It's like this...

...not this. Trust me. Our prophets have seen him.

We just really like to keep things white and delightsome. If you want to know more about why this might be, read Stephen Prothero.

Christmas confusion: God's take

Does God like Christmas? Does he have any opinion at all about it? I don't think he's ever suggested we celebrate it. There are no scriptures instructing us to throw Jesus a big birthday bash every year, are there? Does God just feel all sorts of wonderful whenever he sees us putting up our nativity scenes?

The funny thing is that even Mormons tend to discredit Christmas in their own way. Mormons insist their preference is to celebrate the adult, atoning Jesus over the wee baby Jesus (let me tell you, LDS Easters are freakin' great!), but when it comes to Christmas Mormons simply go with the flow.

"Relax, dude, God loves all this shit."

For me it feels less than inspired.

Christmas confusion: holiday origins

Dies Natalis Solis Invicti (possibly), Saturnalia, Yule, Koleda, Winter Solstice - in a word: Christmas before Christ. This is where it all began. The shortest day of the year (which happens to be today this year) has been celebrated in various way across Europe and elsewhere centuries, if not millennia, before Jesus was ever laid in a manger. Many of these traditions are still practiced under the guise of Christian worship.

Isn't it a bit strange that one of the biggest celebrations in Christianity is little more than a ripoff of non-Christian peoples? Christianity is little more than a latecomer to the already teaming milieu of late-December religious holidays. Isn't it strange that Christianity has not bothered purging the pagan from this most holy of holidays? Doesn't that make us all practicing pagans to some degree?

Does it matter at all where Christimas came from as long as we make it mean whatever we want it to mean? Hasn't commercialism already effectively undermined the Christian facade it now bears?

We've really improved on the beauty of the holiday, haven't we? Happy Winter Solstice, brothers and sisters.

Christmas confusion: the divine birthday

Current apostle Dave Bednar stated in the April General Conference of this year that the date of Jesus' birth is known by revelation to be April 6. That's the same day James Talmage believed was Jesus' birthday, but is it Jesus' birthday?

It must be - Dave said it was revelation.

But not everyone agrees. In fact it looks like Dave can take his revelation and smoke it because he was dead wrong. Or Joseph Smith was. Or Joseph's scribe was. It's very mysterious.

When the historical facts and the scriptural text are considered, it appears Jesus was probably born in early December. I hope that means that December 5 will now feature a new holiday called Mormon Christmas.

Then again the person reaching this conclusion, one Jeff Chadwick of BYU, isn't a prophet, seer or revelator, so what the hell does he know?

Christmas confusion: the star

Mormons believe that there really, truly was a star that appeared at Jesus' birth. They believe this partly because the Gospel of Matthew mentions some astrologers reading his sign in the sky but also because The Book of Mormon treats the star as a real thing.

It all starts out with the sun going down and "great lights in heaven" (Helaman 14:3) keeping things as bright as day. Then we get the Star of Bethlehem showing up sometime later.

The story makes wonderful sense until you stop to think about it. Why does the Bible not mention a night as bright as day? Were the "great lights" Samuel the Lamanite spoke of, like, angels acting as nightlights or something? Third Nephi doesn't say. Why would Herod's astrologers be the only assholes able to see and understand the significance of a mega-bright star showing up in the sky? Why should we believe that star-reading, horoscoping assholes had any valuable insight about the future at all, ever? Why would said astronomers need a star to travel ten miles down the road, anyway? Why doesn't Samuel the Lamanite give any instructions on how to read the "many signs and wonders in heaven" (Helaman 14:6)? Is a new savior being born every time a supernova pops or a meteor shower hits? Does God really relay messages of truth through the stars? If so, it would seem that modern-day astronomers and modern-day prophets are both having a hell of a time making heads or tails of what God's trying to tell us via astroscript.

What if it's all just a fun story? What if The Book of Mormon is just another fun story based off of a fun story or two?

The First Vision

The LDS Church lays all its chips on Joseph Smith's 1820 theophany. When telling the story of the Church we begin with the story of a young teenage boy who was struggling to find the truth but then found the answer through an earnest prayer. That prayer parted the heavens and brought down God - Heavenly Father, The Eternal Father, Elohim - from his celestial throne with his Choicest of Children, Jesus the Anointed, The Creator, The Savior of the World, The Judge, The Father.

Theophanies aren't all that unusual and they're not always as pleasant as Joseph's was. My concern here is that it might not have ever happened in the first place.

Why would I doubt the reality of the First Vision? Mainly because

1. Joseph was not persecuted between the age of 14 and 17 for having seen God. No family member or anyone close to Joseph mentions persecution during these years and neither does Joseph until a decade later or more.

2. Family, friends and followers all attributed Joseph's prophetic call to his vision of Moroni at the age of 17 (1823).

3. The extant accounts of the First Vision begin in 1832. This seems to be the year Joseph invented his theophany. He begins by saying he was 16 but pushes his age back gradually until he says he was 14.

4. Age is not the only detail Joseph plays around with when recounting his First Vision. He can't keep straight who even showed up and spoke with him. Basically Joseph wanted everyone to believe he had a vision but he wasn't sure when, was unsure for years who appeared and wasn't sure what was communicated.

5. In the now official version of the story we understand that God told Joseph not to join any churches because "all creeds were an abomination" in the sight of God. So why did Joseph try to join the Methodists in 1828?

The whole story stinks. But the LDS Church will tell you it all harmonizes beautifully.

I don't know. I really don't see it.

Why God requires polygamy 2

So why? Why polygamy? The three new essays released on lds.org all make sure to bring up Jacob 2:30 right away.

The Book of Mormon identifies one reason for God to command it: to increase the number of children born in the gospel covenant in order to “raise up seed unto [the Lord].” (See here.)

God declared in the Book of Mormon that monogamy was the standard; at times, however, He commanded plural marriage so His people could “raise up seed unto [Him].” (See here.)

Church members viewed plural marriage as a commandment from God, an imperative that helped “raise up” a righteous posterity unto the Lord. (See here.)

So the answer is: BABIES FOR JESUS! I'm not sure why God needs babies so badly when there are plenty being born all the time. What makes children born "in the covenant" so much more valuable than all the others. Shit, why's he need children at all? They don't even make money to pay tithing. Are children the only people who believe in god stories anymore? No missionary work? Just baby-making sex? Can't God encourage some inter-tribal adoption? 

"Hold on a second, sugar, let's let the pregnant ones catch up."

If God needed babies so badly why didn't Adam get a few hundred wives instead of just little old Evie? Why didn't Noah's boys fill the Ark with God's most fertile? Why didn't Nephi and his brothers have a shit ton of sister wives? Why didn't Jesus' mighty twelve just hang around in harems all day instead of going out and preaching? Why didn't Joseph have any children with his 30 plus wives? Why did Brigham only have a couple more children than he had wives? Why do we see that polygamy fails to produce more children than monogamy?

Does God suck at math? Or was Jacob wrong about the divine purpose of polygamy?

At least Lot had two daughters to rape him instead of just one.

The "M" word

I have to admit I get annoyed whenever I see Mormons become defensive over the use of the word "Mormon". You see comments pop up like "That's not the name of the Church!" "Why don't you do your research!" or "It's just a nickname btw!" Getting the name of the Church wrong or referring to its members incorrectly means everything that uninformed individual said is incorrect and probably anti-Mormon. Never mind that latter-day saints do in fact refer to the Church as the "Mormon Church" and don't colloquially refer to members of the Church as saints. They only very rarely refer to members as saints and when they do it's typically heard in the expression "the early saints" which is kind of weird considering that those "early" folks were pretty sure they were all latter-day and shit.

Members of the LDS Church call themselves Mormons, I promise. We can say "Mormon" but everyone else had better mind the "M" word! But I have to admit that as an active member I definitely thought it was a smart move when the LDS Church started insisting more and more that people use its official name. (Although I also thought it would have made more sense had they  emphasized that they had wanted to be called the Church of Jesus Christ, not the LDS Church, but whatever.)

Who cares? What's the big deal? All groups have insider-outsider language, right?

Probably, yes. What I found (and still find) disturbing, however, is the way in which Mormons look for tiny mistakes in the things outsiders say in order to dismiss their arguments while going to great lengths to dismiss or ignore mistakes and inconsistencies made by their leaders. The tradition goes all the way back to Joseph Smith (but I don't believe Tom's had the same kind of slip ups as Gordon).

Jesus warned against this scenario (if you're into Jesus).

Why is this OK? Why do the prophets get a free pass on bad information while everyone else gets hosed for simple and often superficial mistakes?

Crucible of Doubt

A kind and well-intentioned couple, Terry and Fiona Givens, both scholars and both active, believing members of the LDS Church, has written a book for me. It comes several years too late, but I'm still a little bit interested. Mormonism is so completely shattered, in my opinion, that when I hear a claim that I can once again fit all the pieces together again my morbid curiosity is piqued. Additionally I've heard enough positive things about the Givens that I felt it only polite to listen to their 3 hour and 15 minute sales pitch.

Unfortunately I couldn't buy the Givens' arguments and won't be buying the book, which was the result of a recent fireside tour, which was the result of reasonable success from a previous book they had written.

After having listened to the entire Mormon Stories interview my main questions are:

1. If prophets are just like the rest of us then why should we look to them for answers concerning God's will? (I love how they insist on ignoring John Dehlin's question about whether or not it's okay to criticize our upper management.)

2. How do we have any trust in the Gospel text as being valid Jesus material? If we're going to undermine the spoken and written words of imperfect prophets what are we to do with the teachings of Mr. Perfect? Do we take them with a grain of salt because they were written by a bunch of assholes and corrupted over time? Do we only accept the teachings and events described by at least two of the Gospel writers (you know, that whole "by the mouth of two or three witnesses" thing)?

3. In all Fiona's admonishing against hero worship she fails to mention even once our worship of a heroic character named Jesus. How is she so sure that we haven't overblown the case for Jesus the same way we have for our various prophets, especially in light of the fact that our basis for turning Jesus into a mighty hero worthy of our worship are the less than reliable words of prophets, who are pretty much just like us?

4. Why should anyone take the Givens' approach seriously when it directly contradicts our Mormon canon?

5. Terryl Givens bases his entire argument on some kind of bizarre dichotomy between "the heart" and "the intellect". How is anyone supposed to take that seriously? We are not divided up between this mysterious heart and a non-mysterious, logical brain. "The heart" works for Terry the same way the sky worked for early belief in God. It's the only place to hide (as long as you continue to ignore science).

So the book comes out soon. Maybe it has answers to all of these questions, but admittedly I have my doubts.