The First Vision

The LDS Church lays all its chips on Joseph Smith's 1820 theophany. When telling the story of the Church we begin with the story of a young teenage boy who was struggling to find the truth but then found the answer through an earnest prayer. That prayer parted the heavens and brought down God - Heavenly Father, The Eternal Father, Elohim - from his celestial throne with his Choicest of Children, Jesus the Anointed, The Creator, The Savior of the World, The Judge, The Father.

Theophanies aren't all that unusual and they're not always as pleasant as Joseph's was. My concern here is that it might not have ever happened in the first place.

Why would I doubt the reality of the First Vision? Mainly because

1. Joseph was not persecuted between the age of 14 and 17 for having seen God. No family member or anyone close to Joseph mentions persecution during these years and neither does Joseph until a decade later or more.

2. Family, friends and followers all attributed Joseph's prophetic call to his vision of Moroni at the age of 17 (1823).

3. The extant accounts of the First Vision begin in 1832. This seems to be the year Joseph invented his theophany. He begins by saying he was 16 but pushes his age back gradually until he says he was 14.

4. Age is not the only detail Joseph plays around with when recounting his First Vision. He can't keep straight who even showed up and spoke with him. Basically Joseph wanted everyone to believe he had a vision but he wasn't sure when, was unsure for years who appeared and wasn't sure what was communicated.

5. In the now official version of the story we understand that God told Joseph not to join any churches because "all creeds were an abomination" in the sight of God. So why did Joseph try to join the Methodists in 1828?

The whole story stinks. But the LDS Church will tell you it all harmonizes beautifully.

I don't know. I really don't see it.

The Color Purple

I read Alice Walker's The Color Purple when I was in high school. I had heard praises for the book from somewhere and so when I ran across it on a teacher's shelf I asked to borrow it. I was disgusted by it from the first page to the last, but I couldn't put it down.

Why was I so utterly disgusted by it? I was scandalized by the sex and horrified by the domestic violence. But most of all I was furious about how it spoke of God and religion. I found it blasphemous and I couldn't stand it.

So why was I so enthralled and read in two days? The narrative and writing style were recognizably compelling. And so were the arguments against God and male privilege.

The Color Purple made me recognize some of my doubts (which is why the Church doesn't recommend such reading) - doubts I buried as best I could, even though I knew deep down that I agreed with so much of what the author was saying.

Rationalizing warnings

The second set of groupthink symptoms fall under "Closed-mindedness". This involves "rationalizing warnings that might challenge the group's assumptions". 

This entire blog is about how I and others rationalized warnings. For a time I rationalized every problem I encountered with LDS doctrine and tried to keep confrontation at bay for as long as possible. The Church just had to be true. Had to. 

The message was, and still is: don't worry about it now! All questions will be answered after death. All problems solved. All doubts resolved. Believe on.

Unquestioned belief

 
The second part of "overestimations of the group" has to do with "unquestioned belief in [its] morality, causing members to ignore the consequences of their actions". I don't think there's any question about Mormons believing that the LDS scriptures and the LDS Church represent the highest possible human morality which means they don't have to question it. Instead they have to live up to the examples set in scripture and by the Church.

That is exactly why Mormons don't worry too much when their scriptural heroes are coercers who needlessly kill, it's why they don't feel too bad about excluding family from weddings, it explains how many members justify racism and sexism, it's how we justify homophobia, and so many other hurtful beliefs, practices, and events.

But how can we see that hurt when the Church is always right? Who are we to trust if not the Church?

Heavenly fatherliness #43 - Having fun

According to popular wisdom, a good father knows how to have fun with his children.

It's hard to believe that a Guy who forbids loud laughter really knows how to have a rollicking good time. When was the last time you had a fun time with God? Are you sure God was there or was it just you and some people you care about talking a bit about God? What's the funniest joke God's told you? How long did it take you to get the punchline? What's the best game you two have played together? Did you win or did he? Do you guys, like, totally hit it off?

I doubt you have real answers to these questions. I find the very idea of God having fun laughable at best.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #20 - Guidance

According to popular wisdom, a good father offers guidance, words of wisdom, and aids in making better decisions.

In Mormonism we say that God gives us prophets to speak to us for him and the Holy Spirit to guide us. We have all sorts of guidance through the wise words of Holy Writ and numerous aids in the religious leaders who care for us and lead us in righteousness.

If this is the case, I would argue that Heavenly Father has given us too much. Too much conflicting guidance, that is. Our scriptures contradict themselves and each other. Our leaders also contradict themselves and each other. Everyone's looking for answers and no one seems to have them, including the people who claim they've heard it straight from the horse's mouth. And that's just within a single faith tradition; we haven't even started considering all the other possible advice God might have for us via other traditions. 

Thanks, God. Thanks for confusing the hell out of everyone.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father

Wrong answers

Here's an example of how Mormonism can fuck with your head good and hard. This is the story of how a current apostle and his son prayed and got the wrong directions from God.

God just had to send them down the wrong path first to put their doubts at ease. Oh, the wisdom of God! It's not as though confirming the same road to two different people would be enough to put them both at ease, instead he had to show them that the one road was a dead end.

This is the kind of warped logic I had developed in Mormonism. You bend everything into an answer. You make excuses for God. You doubt your doubts and go on believing because the Church just has to be true. It just has to be!

My testimony moments

I experienced the testimony-making moments of Mormonism. I felt the burning, I felt the tingles, I felt the rush, I cried the tears, I found the relief, I found my answers, I was overcome with love, I was truly converted to the Jesus and his One True Church. At least I was pretty sure.

The fact is it was always a little hard to tell what was going on in those moments. Was I sweating profusely because I feeling the Spirit or because I was standing in front of a large crowd of judgmental peers? Was my heart racing because I was in tune with the Spirit or because I was embarrassed that the only thing I could think to say were those same pronouncements everyone else has said when they've stood to bear their testimony? Was the relief I felt after prayer due to the Spirit  offering me celestial support or was it due to not hearing God tell me 'no'? (Hearing nothing is better than hearing 'no'!) When I prayed to feel God's love, did I feel it finally descend upon me or was I overwhelmed from asking?

I really really wanted to have these moments. I wanted to have my conversion story. I needed one to be an effective missionary. More importantly, I wanted to be a true convert. My point here is that my interpretive approach involved a whole lot of DESIRE.

Conditioning EXPECTATIONS also played heavily into my interpretations of testimony moments. I was taught that the Spirit communicates differently for everyone and that essentially anything could count. Once someone told me that they had experienced a sensation similar to an orgasm while praying and wanted to know if that was the Holy Ghost telling him the Book of Mormon was true. My companion wasn't so sure but I said it absolutely was an answer. The thing is that essentially any emotional response should be considered an answer in the affirmative by most Mormons' standard.

I however started to consider my answers a little more carefully. Were the emotions I felt coming from psychological stress? Were they generated within myself or did they feel like they had come from outside my body? Was what I had felt more than mere emotion? Was another personage, spirit, or presence involved, or was it all just me? Why was it the answers always felt so vague? Does God want me to be sure but not too sure? Were they really answers or did I make them answers? How would I have viewed those experiences had I not felt any cultural pressure?

Then again, maybe I was wrong. Maybe I needed more faith. Maybe God was answering my prayers and I wasn't recognizing them. Of all the doubts I had, the strongest were about myself.

Getting answers to doubts

Prayer is the only way you will ever conquer your doubts. You have to know with a certainty for yourself that the Church is true and you can only know for sure through the confirming power of the Holy Ghost. Pray about it. A ghost will tell you its all real.

Here's how it works:
1. The Church is true.
2. Kneel in humble prayer as ask God if it is.
3. God will tell you it is through the Holy Spirit.

Easy!

But if you're having trouble getting to #3, just keep repeating #2 and everything will work out because #1 is what it is.

You're welcome.

What? God told you the Church isn't true and that you should keep your previously held beliefs? That doesn't make any sense! You must be doing #2 incorrectly. Be brave. Try again.

Huh? You don't think this is a very effective method of determining truth because the conclusion is maintained at all times, even in the cases of the absence of evidence and contradicting evidence? Is that a problem? Should we be worried?

Miracles - the "fruits" of other religions

One thing about asking people outside of Mormonism about their spiritual experiences is that you end up hearing about a lot of spiritual experiences that can't take credit for and can't incorporate. I ran into this frequently on my mission. I would try to establish an understanding of someone's spirituality only to find they had stories of blessings and miracles and visions and visitations and practices that I would then have to work with in my attempt to explain how the more Mormon-like parts were integral to the Mormon god's plan for them and how the crazy parts (read "non-Mormon-like) were maybe less significant than they thought. That's what you do, right? You find the common ground and build on it.

"She totally would have died had we not been there... and had she not received medical treatment."

My doubts came about because I knew my approach wasn't honest. I wasn't letting these people own their personal, family, and faith tradition's miracles they way I expected them to believe and respect mine. Was what I was doing ethical? It felt more manipulative than anything.

"I should be dead right now, but I was protected!"

Another doubt soon followed. Why were all of the miracles and answers to prayers I was hearing about so familiar to things like the First Vision story, any number of personal conversion stories, and Mormon healing stories? Why weren't they experiencing stupors of thought instead of enlightenment? Why were they being healed through priestcraft instead of the Priesthood? Why were they seeing heavenly beings when they weren't even praying to God the Father in the name of Jesus Christ? How were they getting clear messages from beyond the veil that were leading them to incredibly un-Mormon-like beliefs?

"He came from beyond and spoke to me..."

It was as though they were working from the same narrative template as we Mormons, but only to confirm the efficacy of non-Mormon beliefs. Could we all - Mormons and non-Mormons alike - be making this crap up? Are we all delusional? Are we all simply finding ways to confirm what we want to believe? I had to wonder. Were my stories any more credible or convincing than theirs?

"My guy has powers. You gotta check him out!"

Things only got weirder when people would pray about Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon, receive an answer that it was true only to incorporate Joe and his book as part of their belief system instead of abandoning their incomplete knowledge and embracing Mormonism fully. What do you do when they pull the rug out from under you by ignoring what the answer to a prayer about the Book of Mormon is supposed to mean?

A sincere question

About eight months into my mission I baptized a young man who had just turned eighteen. He was getting baptized against his parents wishes and had a few concerns. He was worried about maintaining a good report with his family and friends, he was worried about the logistical details of living a Mormon lifestyle with so little moral support and no cohesive Mormon community nearby, he was worried about his acceptance in the Church, but most of all he just wanted to make sure he was making the right choice. He wanted to know - really know - if the Mormon Church was THE ONE TRUE CHURCH.

This young man had been reading and praying for nearly a year. I don't recall if he had prayed specifically about whether the Book of Mormon was true or if they were more general prayers, but he seemed a little unsure about the whole "God will answer your prayers" thing. He had been praying but had yet to feel the promised assurance in response, so we asked him to pray specifically about being baptized telling him God would answer his prayer. That's when he asked me and my companion a question:

"Will God really answer me?"

Both my companion and I responded somewhat automatically but earnestly that he would, but our investigator insisted.

"Really? Are you sure?"

I felt I had received answers to a few prayers, but his questions made me nervous. They didn't make me nervous for him, they made me nervous because I felt like I was about to be exposed. I wanted to believe that God had blessed me with his Spirit in a handful of troubling moments of decision, but they were extremely difficult experiences to analyze. The "answers" I had felt were horribly ambiguous and had come to me when I was in a highly emotional state. I felt like I had had to guess my way through the answers I was given because they lacked the kind of clarity I had been promised. But I didn't want to tell him that. I wanted his experience with prayer to be the real deal. He could have the real experience of total clarity and I wasn't about to lower his expectations.

The next time we met he said he wanted to be baptized and he was shortly after his eighteenth birthday. He was the hope of the branch. He wanted to serve a mission when he came and visited me in my last area. About eight months after I returned home he wrote me a letter explaining how he had left Mormonism and returned to activity in his previous faith. He even served a brief mission in Brazil for that church.

As I look back on the experience I can't help but think of how young we were. What did either of us know about anything? The thought of the two of us finding the mysteries of the Universe in Mormonism pains me. Our sincerity and ignorance would have pained any thoughtful adult. Why did my investigator doubt that God would truly answer his prayers? Why did I doubt I should full disclose my experiences with answers to prayer? Did I even know for sure that God had answered me?