Mormon Art

Have you ever wondered why Mormon art is so kitschy? I liked a lot of it when I was little, especially if it featured animals prominently somewhere in it. I think the now classic Arnold Friberg rendition of Abinadi standing in chains before Noah was probably my favorite (the jaguars really did it for me).

Friberg's obsession with superhero arms and tiny heads are probably what made him an instant hit among little boys like myself and Utah farmers.

 

(11-year-old head on college athlete body)

 

(the man of steel)

 

(shrunken head Viking father)

The Utah thing might explain why Mormons have long loved this portrait of Cowboy Jesus:

More recently the Mormon Jesus has been reinterpreted as the Fuzzy Bear Jesus.

Either way he's a hit with the young women of the ward.

And he really knows how to connect with your troubled son.

These paintings are unarguably bad, but for me the most testimony-damaging picture of all was probably Clark Kelly Price's "When the Angels Come". It's absolutely awful and I'm pretty sure the spirits of the pioneers who went through these kinds of grueling experiences cry every time someone looks at this painting.

It's a silly reason to doubt, I know, and I'm not saying it threw my testimony into a total tailspin, but poor quality of Mormon art had me scratching my head. How could such uninspired art be part of such an inspired tradition? How could something so ugly even sell?

The BYU Bookstore was always (and still is) a treasure trove of shitty Mormon art. It hurts to look at it. It hurts to think that people buy it and put it in their homes. I refused to accept it as part of my cultured heritage. Jesus, his Gospel, and his church deserved so much better.

Then again, at least it's not as awful as Jehovah's Witness art.

Mormon house tour

Here we are...

Welcome to our home! We're so excited to share with you the ways in which we've made our house a haven of love and spiritual devotion! Come on in!

So we've recently repainted! Everything used to be off white but, as you can tell, the light greenish gray thing going on really matches the stucco exterior of the home so much better! Please also note the adorable "HOME" decoration that let's everybody know that this is friendly place where all can feel comfortable and loved! And on the opposite side of the entry way we have the true head of the household, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!

We hang His picture here so everyone knows the second they come in and as they're on their way out that our Savior not only lives and loves us, but He's also an integral part of our family! He's literally our oldest brother! We would be nothing with out Him and His eternal sacrifice that allows us to be together forever in the eternities! And now for the rest of us! (He he he!)

As you can see we kind of agreed on a family uniform of sorts because it's so ridiculously cute! And also because all of our neighbors do this sort of thing for their family photos! And also to remind everyone who comes in that some of us have penises and are responsible for providing while others of us have vaginas and should be staying home with children! It's all part of our Heavenly Father's amazing Plan of Happiness!

Oh my gosh, you haven't heard of the Plan of Happiness?? It's so amazing and so beautiful and totally proof that Heavenly Father loves us so much! It's all about the family! Basically God will let families be together forever if the husband and wife are sealed (just a fancy way of saying "married"!) in the temple! Our prophet and apostles a few years ago (okay, like almost 20 years ago!) wrote down this incredibly inspired explanation of what a family is and what it should do! It basically says that we were all spiritual penises and vaginas before we ever gained a body (by being born!) and that we all need to be heterosexual and perform within the so called "traditional" gender roles of 1950s America! It's so cool and so true!

But anyway, this is where it all happens! This is the temple! (Well really it's just the most famous of like, I don't know, probably hundreds of Mormon temples across the entire planet!) This is where a young breeding couple goes to be sealed! Going to the temple is so sacred and so important that we never completely explain to our children what goes on inside, but we do like to hang pictures of temples, like this one, all over the house!

Our prophet, President Thomas S. Monson said it's the right thing to do because another prophet said so. "To you parents of young children, may I share with you some sage advice from President Spencer W. Kimball. Said he: 'It would be a fine thing if … parents would have in every bedroom in their house a picture of the temple so [their children] from the time [they are] infant[s] could look at the picture every day [until] it becomes a part of [their lives]. When [they reach] the age that [they need] to make [the] very important decision [concerning going to the temple], it will have already been made'” and he thinks that's a great idea and consequently so do we! Mormon's love to agree with the prophets because they're always right, so we all tend to have a collection of temple pictures hanging about our homes as though they're fine art or something!

And speaking of fine art, here's this beauty!

This is George Fucking Washington! The biggest badass to never be Mormon! But he would have been, a guaranfuckingtee it! Look how piously he prays in a grove of trees just like Joseph Smith did! I wouldn't be surprised in the least if he saw an angel that day!

We also like just about anything by Brother McNaughton! Look at Obama stepping on the Constitution of the United States! Whoever voted for that guy??

Sorry to get political there, but we all know bad things are happening here in the U.S.! I mean, look at gay marriage! The gays are basically shoving their gayness in our faces and down our throats! Even our oldest daughter struggles with same sex attraction! (But we still love her, especially because she's being so diligent about fighting her homosexual tendencies and is staying married to her husband she hasn't had sex with in years!) It's crazy what people think is okay to do! No, it's horrible! Satan really has a lot of influence over the children of Man!

That's why we have to send out so many missionaries! All of our kids have served missions as they have come of age! We have to tell the world that we have standards that we will not back down from! We have a message of love for everyone! And we can't get discouraged when people don't understand that message and reject it! But we can't give up either! Ever!

Framed quotes like these on almost every wall of the house keep me focused and happy! They teach me who I am and make me proud to be that person!

And I'm not the only one who appreciates a little encouragement! Fortunately there are entire stores dedicated to producing and selling these types of wonderful, spiritually uplifting messages for us to fill our homes with! It's such a blessing! It also makes finding gifts for all occasions so much easier!

Thanks so much for coming! We loved having you over and hope you too felt that special spirit that exists only inside a Mormon home! And remember, that special spirit can be yours, if you want it! Maybe we should have you over next week for an FHE with the missionaries!

LDS artistic interpretations

The LDS Church has done a wonderful job of controlling the popular imagery of the translation process of The Book of Mormon. Searching the Church website will get you pictures like this:

Plates present but no hat.

Or this:

The plates again but there's no hat here either.

Notice that there is a huge discrepancy in the LDS version of the story:

It doesn't feel very good when the accuracy of a South Park episode surpasses all the prophet talks and prophetically endorsed pictures you've encountered as a highly active and fully believing member of the Church. How are we not supposed to wonder why the hat thing's not been very popular in Mormon art? What else is the average Mormon ignorant of?

Christmas confusion: white Christmas

Once I hit my late teens I started wondering why the LDS Church was so insistent that Jesus (and other Biblical folks) looked so much like a white northern European. I was sure in my heart that Mormons knew full well that Jesus didn't look like a Scandinavian immigrant, but Mormon art suggests otherwise. Even this year's nativity video favors a very white Jesus.

It's like this...

...not this. Trust me. Our prophets have seen him.

We just really like to keep things white and delightsome. If you want to know more about why this might be, read Stephen Prothero.

Avert thy eyes!

In addition to creating the allusion of threat from associating with non-Mormons (especially apostate Mormons) and indulging in reading anything other than testimony-bolstering words, Mormons also face the threat of other bad influences in the media.

Movies and videos are extremely dangerous, so dangerous in fact that the leaders of the Church have for decades told members to not watch films with particular MPAA ratings. Thank God, Jesus Christ, and Holy Ghost we have prophets to make decisions for us and those decisions are based on the decisions of a small anonymous group under the control of the film-making industry. Then again, what if we have reason to distrust the MPAA? And how do the MPAA ratings translate into ratings in other countries anyway? How can it be that 12-year-old members in the UK can watch The King's Speech but in the US and Canada the R rating would keep obedient Mormon adults from seeing the film? That's a pretty big rating discrepancy.

Mormons are very aware of the conundrum and love to discuss it.  The Church, however, is very clear, especially when addressing the youth.

"Satan uses media [HE DOES??] to deceive you by making what is wrong and evil look normal, humorous, or exciting. He tries to mislead you into thinking that breaking God’s commandments is acceptable and has no negative consequences for you or others. Do not attend, view, or participate in anything that is vulgar [LIKE BOY SCOUT CAMPS], immoral [LIKE MOVIES THAT DEPICT LAMANITES AS MAYANS], violent [LIKE THE STORY OF JESUS' DEATH], or pornographic in any way [STAPLE THE PAGES OF THE SONG OF SOLOMON TOGETHER AND NEVER READ THEM!]. Do not participate in anything that presents immorality or violence as acceptable [LIKE READING ABOUT NEPHI JUSTIFYING DECEPTION, MURDER, AND COERCION]. Have the courage to walk out of a movie, change your music, or turn off a computer, television, or mobile device if what you see or hear drives away the Spirit [FOR ME THAT WOULD INCLUDE THE SEMINARY SCRIPTURE SOUNDTRACKS AND ALL EFY MUSIC COMPILATIONS]."

The logic of this statement has long been presented through the following Mormon Ad.

Not to worry, North American Mormons have their ways of enjoying the ice cream without the cockroaches. Thanks to illegal film editors in Utah and ClearPlay, people all over the country (not just Mormons) have been able to binge on all the cockroach-free ice cream they wanted.

Then again, isn't it a little superficial to redub dirty words and cut the nudie scenes? Isn't there more going on in a film or song? Aren't there other elements to art that can make it offensive? Can't we all think of a movie that objectifies women horribly without ever showing nudity, or a game that maybe doesn't show gore but has more perpetual violence and killing than even Saving Private Ryan? And aren't there at least a couple of movies out there that have a nude sex scene or a graphic murder that actually teach wholesome, conservative values? What about Requiem for a Dream? I bet you can't find a D.A.R.E. officer who wouldn't love for every teen in the US to watch that movie!

Why should Mormons, or anyone else, be content ruling out thousands upon thousands of movies, music, etc. because there are more than a couple of occurrences of the word "fuck," or just one occurrence in a sexual context? Are we that blind to the real world? Can we honestly not take the responsibility upon ourselves to determine what is uplifting and what we feel isn't going to benefit us?

Oh, whatever! Most Mormons ignore this whole "no R-rated movie" thing anyway. Watch whatever the hell want.

All manner of manners of every kind

So The Book of Mormon sucks shit to read. I'm sorry, but it does. The hero prophet stories get old fast, the wars drag on and on, it repeats the Bible ad nauseam, and it makes poor excuses for poor writing. If you have any other book on your reading list, read that one first. Or if you just have to read The Book of Mormon, try this version, at least it has some character.

One of my personal favorite literary tactics in The Book of Mormon is repetition. It's about as amusing as watching a dog chase its tail for 500 pages. The tiring use of "and it came to pass" (occurring 1404 times) is the most famous example of why The Book of Mormon is considered chloroform in print, but there are plenty of other repetitions. The author(s) uses "all manner of" and "of every kind" in attempt to abreviate the cataloging of artifacts, activities, behaviors, and beliefs, which IS USED A LOT, is another way the author(s) fills up pages without saying much. It's an attempt to sound smart and biblical (the KJT rarely uses "all manner of" more than once or twice per book) but that instead creates redundancy and vagueness. I mean, how are we supposed to know what all the manners and kinds are unless they tell us what those manners are explicitly? I guess in a way that vagueness makes The Book of Mormon a work designed to trigger the apologist imagination. And yet the book itself is very limited in its imagery and narrative. You might say that the record of the Nephites and Jaredites plays in a manner like unto a broken record.

I don't blame the ancient writers for the overkill of "all manner of" and "of every kind," I blame the translator who should have known how to better render Ancient New World Hebrew into English.

Here are the 200+ "manner of"s and "of every kind"s you'll find in the text. They're not all egregiously awful, but most are. I've organized them in a handful of imperfect categories.

EVIL DOINGS & PUNISHMENTS:

"after this manner of language had my mother complained against my father" (1 Nephi 5:3)

"it was filled with people, both old and young, both male and female; and their manner of dress was exceedingly fine" (1 Nephi 8:27)

"I saw a mist of darkness on the face of the land of promise; and I saw lightnings, and I heard thunderings, and earthquakes, and all manner of tumultuous noises; and I saw the earth and the rocks, that they rent; and I saw mountains tumbling into pieces; and I saw the plains of the earth, that they were broken up; and I saw many cities that they were sunk; and I saw many that they were burned with fire; and I saw many that did tumble to the earth, because of the quaking thereof" (1 Nephi 12:4)

"after they had dwindled in unbelief they became a dark, and loathsome, and a filthy people, full of idleness and all manner of abominations" (1 Nephi 12:23)

"I also saw gold, and silver, and silks, and scarlets, and fine-twined linen, and all manner of precious clothing; and I saw many harlots" (1 Nephi 13:7)

"after this manner did my brother Laman stir up their hearts to anger" (1 Nephi 16:38)

"after this manner of language did my brethren murmur and complain" (1 Nephi 17:22)

"all churches which are built up to get gain, and all those who are built up to get power over the flesh, and those who are built up to become popular in the eyes of the world, and those who seek the lusts of the flesh and the things of the world, and to do all manner of iniquity" (1 Nephi 22:23)

"the heavens shall vanish away like smoke, and the earth shall wax old like a garment; and they that dwell therein shall die in like manner" (2 Nephi 8:6)

"that being who beguiled our first parents, who transformeth himself nigh unto an angel of light, and stirreth up the children of men unto secret combinations of murder and all manner of secret works of darkness" (2 Nephi 9:9) 

"as his rod was upon the sea so shall he lift it up after the manner of Egypt" (2 Nephi 20:26)

"Isaiah spake many things which were hard for many of my people to understand; for they know not concerning the manner of prophesying among the Jews [...] I, Nephi, have not taught them many things concerning the manner of the Jews; for their works were works of darkness, and their doings were doings of abominations" (2 Nephi 25:1-2)

"they shall be visited with thunderings, and lightnings, and earthquakes, and all manner of destructions" (2 Nephi 26:6)

"they will be drunken with iniquity and all manner of abominations" (2 Nephi 27:1)

"I, Jacob, spake many more things unto the people of Nephi, warning them against fornication and lasciviousness, and every kind of sin, telling them the awful consequences of them" (Jacob 3:12)

"there was nothing save it was exceeding harshness, preaching and prophesying of wars, and contentions, and destructions, and continually reminding them of death, and the duration of eternity, and the judgments and the power of God, and all these things—stirring them up continually to keep them in the fear of the Lord. I say there was nothing short of these things, and exceedingly great plainness of speech, would keep them from going down speedily to destruction. And after this manner do I write concerning them." (Enos 1:23)

"nor even have I suffered that ye should commit any manner of wickedness" (Mosiah 2:13)

"the Lamanites began to increase in riches, and began to trade one with another and wax great, and began to be a cunning and a wise people, as to the wisdom of the world, yea, a very cunning people, delighting in all manner of wickedness and plunder, except it were among their own brethren." (Mosiah 24:7) This sounds like Mormons today (e.g. Mitt Romney)!

"there should be no wars nor contentions, no stealing, nor plundering, nor murdering, nor any manner of iniquity" (Mosiah 29:14)

"all his iniquities and abominations, and all the wars, and contentions, and bloodshed, and the stealing, and the plundering, and the committing of whoredoms, and all manner of iniquities which cannot be enumerated" (Mosiah 29:30)

"they did commit whoredoms and all manner of wickedness" (Mosiah 11:2)

"he led many of the people to do after the manner of his iniquities" (Mosiah 27:8)

"he began to be lifted up in the pride of his heart, and to wear very costly apparel, yea, and even began to establish a church after the manner of his preaching" (Alma 1:6)

"they did persecute them, and afflict them with all manner of words" (Alma 1:20)

"those who did not belong to their church did indulge themselves in sorceries, and in idolatry or idleness, and in babblings, and in envyings and strife; wearing costly apparel; being lifted up in the pride of their own eyes; persecuting, lying, thieving, robbing, committing whoredoms, and murdering, and all manner of wickedness" (Alma 1:32)

"the people of the church began to wax proud, because of their exceeding riches, and their fine silks, and their fine-twined linen, and because of their many flocks and herds, and their gold and their silver, and all manner of precious things, which they had obtained by their industry; and in all these things were they lifted up in the pride of their eyes, for they began to wear very costly apparel" (Alma 4:6)

"how will any of you feel, if ye shall stand before the bar of God, having your garments stained with blood and all manner of filthiness?" (Alma 5:22)

"ye are guilty of all manner of wickedness" (Alma 5:23)

"they did stir up the people to riotings, and all manner of disturbances and wickedness" (Alma 11:20)

"they were full of all manner of wickedness" (Alma 13:17)

"And many such things did they say unto them, gnashing their teeth upon them, and spitting upon them, and saying: How shall we look when we are damned? And many such things, yea, all manner of such things did they say unto them; and thus they did mock them for many days." (Alma 14:21-22)

"those priests who did go forth among the people did preach against all lyings, and deceivings, and envyings, and strifes, and malice, and revilings, and stealing, robbing, plundering, murdering, committing adultery, and all manner of lasciviousness" (Alma 16:18)

"they ought not to murder, nor to plunder, nor to steal, nor to commit adultery, nor to commit any manner of wickedness" (Alma 23:3)

"he said unto the priests of Noah that their seed should cause many to be put to death, in the like manner as he was, and that they should be scattered abroad and slain" (Alma 25:12)

"we have suffered all manner of afflictions (Alma 26:30)

"after this manner did he preach" (Alma 30:12)

"this put an end to the iniquity after the manner of Korihor" (Alma 30:58)

"he did go on in the same manner as he did in the land of Gideon; yea, he went on to blaspheme" (Alma 30:30)

"they did worship after a manner which Alma and his brethren had never beheld" (Alma 31:12)

"he saw that their hearts were set upon gold, and upon silver, and upon all manner of fine goods" (Alma 31:24)

"because they shall dwindle in unbelief and fall into the works of darkness, and lasciviousness, and all manner of iniquities" (Alma 45:12)

"not long after their dissensions they became more hardened and impenitent, and more wild, wicked and ferocious than the Lamanites—drinking in with the traditions of the Lamanites; giving way to indolence, and all manner of lasciviousness" (Alma 47:36)

"the law should be altered in a manner to overthrow the free government and to establish a king over the land" (Alma 51:5)

"Kishkumen and his band, who had covenanted with him, did mingle themselves among the people, in a manner that they all could not be found" (Helaman 1:12)

"they might murder, and plunder, and steal, and commit whoredoms and all manner of wickedness, contrary to the laws of their country and also the laws of their God" (Helaman 6:23)

"ye have set your hearts upon the riches and the vain things of this world, for the which ye do murder, and plunder, and steal, and bear false witness against your neighbor, and do all manner of iniquity" (Helaman 7:21)

"we may see at the very time when he doth prosper his people, yea, in the increase of their fields, their flocks and their herds, and in gold, and in silver, and in all manner of precious things of every kind and art; sparing their lives, and delivering them out of the hands of their enemies; softening the hearts of their enemies that they should not declare wars against them; yea, and in fine, doing all things for the welfare and happiness of his people; yea, then is the time that they do harden their hearts, and do forget the Lord their God, and do trample under their feet the Holy One" (Helaman 12:2)

"except the Lord doth chasten his people with many afflictions, yea, except he doth visit them with death and with terror, and with famine and with all manner of pestilence, they will not remember him" (Helaman 12:3)

"how quick to boast, and do all manner of that which is iniquity" (Helaman 12:5)

"your hearts are not drawn out unto the Lord, but they do swell with great pride, unto boasting, and unto great swelling, envyings, strifes, malice, persecutions, and murders, and all manner of iniquities" (Helaman 13:22)

"ye do cast out the prophets, and do mock them, and cast stones at them, and do slay them, and do all manner of iniquity unto them" (Helaman 13:24)

"if a prophet come among you and declareth unto you the word of the Lord, which testifieth of your sins and iniquities, ye are angry with him, and cast him out and seek all manner of ways to destroy him" (Helaman 13:26)

"they were girded about after the manner of robbers" (3 Nephi 4:7)

"Satan had great power, unto the stirring up of the people to do all manner of iniquity, and to the puffing them up with pride, tempting them to seek for power, and authority, and riches, and the vain things of the world. And thus Satan did lead away the hearts of the people to do all manner of iniquity" (3 Nephi 6:15-16)

"men shall revile you and persecute, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake" (3 Nephi 12:11)

"shall be filled with all manner of lyings, and of deceits, and of mischiefs, and all manner of hypocrisy, and murders, and priestcrafts, and whoredoms, and of secret abominations" (3 Nephi 16:10)

"there began to be among them those who were lifted up in pride, such as the wearing of costly apparel, and all manner of fine pearls, and of the fine things of the world" (4 Nephi 1:24)

"there were many churches which professed to know the Christ, and yet they did deny the more parts of his gospel, insomuch that they did receive all manner of wickedness" (4 Nephi 1:27)

"the people did harden their hearts, for they were led by many priests and false prophets to build up many churches, and to do all manner of iniquity" (4 Nephi 1:34)

"gold and silver did they lay up in store in abundance, and did traffic in all manner of traffic" (4 Nephi 1:46)

"there shall be great pollutions upon the face of the earth; there shall be murders, and robbing, and lying, and deceivings, and whoredoms, and all manner of abominations" (Mormon 8:31)

"there are none save a few only who do not lift themselves up in the pride of their hearts, unto the wearing of very fine apparel, unto envying, and strifes, and malice, and persecutions, and all manner of iniquities" (Mormon 8:36)

"they were kept up by the power of the devil to administer these oaths unto the people, to keep them in darkness, to help such as sought power to gain power, and to murder, and to plunder, and to lie, and to commit all manner of wickedness and whoredoms" (Ether 8:16)

"I, Moroni, do not write the manner of their oaths and combinations, for it hath been made known unto me that they are had among all people" (Ether 8:20) And yet he includes extensive passages from the Bible, a book which is held among essentially all people.

"they had sworn unto him to do all manner of iniquity" (Ether 9:10)

"they adopted the old plans, and administered oaths after the manner of the ancients, and sought again to destroy the kingdom" (Ether 10:33)

"he did do all manner of iniquity in his days" (Ether 11:10)

"there were robbers, and in fine, all manner of wickedness upon all the face of the land" (Ether 13:26)

"after this manner doth the devil work, for he persuadeth no man to do good, no, not one" (Moroni 7:17)

"Wo be unto them that shall pervert the ways of the Lord after this manner, for they shall perish except they repent." (Moroni 8:16)

FOOD & LIVESTOCK:

"we had gathered together all manner of seeds of every kind, both of grain of every kind, and also of the seeds of fruit of every kind" (1 Nephi 8:1)

"we did take seed of every kind" (1 Nephi 16:11)

"there were beasts in the forests of every kind, both the cow and the ox, and the ass and the horse, and the goat and the wild goat, and all manner of wild animals, which were for the use of men" (1 Nephi 18:25)

"the people of Nephi did till the land, and raise all manner of grain, and of fruit, and flocks of herds, and flocks of all manner of cattle of every kind, and goats, and wild goats, and also many horses." (Enos 1:21)

"with all manner of seeds, with seeds of corn, and of wheat, and of barley, and with neas, and with sheum, and with seeds of all manner of fruits" (Mosiah 9:9)

"all manner of grain and all manner of fruit of every kind" (Mosiah 10:4)

"gather together thy flocks, both male and female, of every kind; and also of the seed of the earth of every kind; and thy families" (Ether 1:41)

"they did carry with them swarms of bees, and all manner of that which was upon the face of the land, seeds of every kind" (Ether 2:3)

PROSPERING:

"after this manner was the language of my father in the praising of his God; for his soul did rejoice, and his whole heart was filled" (1 Nephi 1:15)

"he left gold and silver, and all manner of riches" (1 Nephi 3:16)

"I beheld multitudes of people who were sick, and who were afflicted with all manner of diseases, and with devils and unclean spirits" (1 Nephi 11:41)

"we did prosper exceedingly; for we did sow seed, and we did reap again in abundance. And we began to raise flocks, and herds, and animals of every kind" (2 Nephi 5:11)

"we lived after the manner of happiness" (2 Nephi 5:27)

"there is none other people that understand the things which were spoken unto the Jews like unto them, save it be that they are taught after the manner of the things of the Jews. But behold, I, Nephi, have not taught my children after the manner of the Jews" (2 Nephi 25:5-6)

"many of you have begun to search for gold, and for silver, and for all manner of precious ores" (Jacob 2:12)

"I am like as yourselves, subject to all manner of infirmities in body and mind" (Mosiah 2:11)

"I have been suffered to spend my days in your service, even up to this time, and have not sought gold nor silver nor any manner of riches of you" (Mosiah 2:12)

"Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and for gold, and for silver, and for all the riches which we have of every kind?" (Mosiah 4:19)

"we at this time do pay tribute to the king of the Lamanites, to the amount of one half of our corn, and our barley, and even all our grain of every kind, and one half of the increase of our flocks and our herds; and even one half of all we have or possess the king of the Lamanites doth exact of us" (Mosiah 7:22)

"they were diligent, and found not the land of Zarahemla but returned to this land, having traveled in a land among many waters, having discovered a land which was covered with bones of men, and of beasts, and was also covered with ruins of buildings of every kind, having discovered a land which had been peopled" (Mosiah 8:8)

"they began to be exceedingly rich, having abundance of all things whatsoever they stood in need—an abundance of flocks and herds, and fatlings of every kind, and also abundance of grain, and of gold, and of silver, and of precious things, and abundance of silk and fine-twined linen, and all manner of good homely cloth" (Alma 1:29)

"having been saved from famine, and from sickness, and all manner of diseases of every kind; and they having waxed strong in battle, that they might not be destroyed; having been brought out of bondage time after time, and having been kept and preserved until now; and they have been prospered until they are rich in all manner of things" (Alma 9:22)

"A senum of silver was equal to a senine of gold, and either for a measure of barley, and also for a measure of every kind of grain." (Alma 11:7)

"his wife, and his sons, and his daughters mourned over him, after the manner of the Lamanites, greatly lamenting his loss" (Alma 18:43)

"I have been supported under trials and troubles of every kind, yea, and in all manner of afflictions" (Alma 36:27)

"myself, and also my men, and also Helaman and his men, have suffered exceedingly great sufferings; yea, even hunger, thirst, and fatigue, and all manner of afflictions of every kind" (Alma 60:3)

"all the prisoners of the Lamanites did join the people of Ammon, and did begin to labor exceedingly, tilling the ground, raising all manner of grain, and flocks and herds of every kind" (Alma 62:29)

"he had delivered them from death, and from bonds, and from prisons, and from all manner of afflictions, and he had delivered them out of the hands of their enemies" (Alma 62:50)

"there are many books and many records of every kind" (Helaman 3:15)

 "they did have an exceeding plenty of gold, and of silver, and of all manner of precious metals, both in the land south and in the land north" (Helaman 6:9)

"their women did toil and spin, and did make all manner of cloth, of fine-twined linen and cloth of every kind, to clothe their nakedness" (Helaman 6:13)

"they did take with them all that they had not devoured, of all their grain of every kind, and their gold, and their silver, and all their precious things, and they did return to their own lands and their possessions" (3 Nephi 6:2)

"they were not united as to their laws, and their manner of government" (3 Nephi 7:14)

"Have ye any that are lame, or blind, or halt, or maimed, or leprous, or that are withered, or that are deaf, or that are afflicted in any manner? Bring them hither and I will heal them" (3 Nephi 17:7)

"all the multitude, with one accord, did go forth with their sick and their afflicted, and their lame, and with their blind, and with their dumb, and with all them that were afflicted in any manner; and he did heal them every one" (3 Nephi 17:9)

"having healed all their sick, and their lame, and opened the eyes of their blind and unstopped the ears of the deaf, and even had done all manner of cures among them, and raised a man from the dead, and had shown forth his power unto them" (3 Nephi 25:16)

"there were great and marvelous works wrought by the disciples of Jesus, insomuch that they did heal the sick, and raise the dead, and cause the lame to walk, and the blind to receive their sight, and the deaf to hear; and all manner of miracles did they work among the children of men" (4 Nephi 1:5)

"there were no envyings, nor strifes, nor tumults, nor whoredoms, nor lyings, nor murders, nor any manner of lasciviousness" (4 Nephi 1:16)

"Having all manner of fruit, and of grain, and of silks, and of fine linen, and of gold, and of silver, and of precious things; And also all manner of cattle, of oxen, and cows, and of sheep, and of swine, and of goats, and also many other kinds of animals which were useful for the food of man." (Ether 9:17-18)

"the Lord God would send or bring forth another people to possess the land, by his power, after the manner by which he brought their fathers" (Ether 11:21)

"after this manner bringeth to pass the Father, the covenants which he hath made unto the children of men" (Moroni 7:32)

THE RIGHT WAY:
"after this manner of language did I persuade my brethren" (1 Nephi 3:21)

"after this manner of language did my father, Lehi, comfort my mother, Sariah" (1 Nephi 5:6)

"after this manner of language did she speak" (1 Nephi 5:8) 

"after this manner of language did my father prophesy and speak unto my brethren, and also many more things which I do not write in this book" (1 Nephi 10:15)

"after this manner has the prophet written" (1 Nephi 19:24)

"I, Jacob, having been called of God, and ordained after the manner of his holy order" (2 Nephi 6:2)

"Then shall the lambs feed after their manner" (2 Nephi 15:17)

"after this manner doth the Lord God work among the children of men" (2 Nephi 31:3) 

"after this manner did they teach them" (Jarom 1:11) 

"after this manner we keep the records, for it is according to the commandments of our fathers" (Omni 1:9)

"after this manner he did baptize every one" (Mosiah 18:6) 

"Alma did go forth into the water and did baptize them; yea, he did baptize them after the manner he did his brethren in the waters of Mormon" (Mosiah 25:18) 

"all these things did Alma and his fellow laborers do who were over the church, walking in all diligence, teaching the word of God in all things, suffering all manner of afflictions, being persecuted by all those who did not belong to the church of God" (Mosiah 26:38) 

"he had established peace in the land, and he had granted unto his people that they should be delivered from all manner of bondage" (Mosiah 29:40)

"I am called to speak after this manner, according to the holy order of God, which is in Christ Jesus" (Alma 5:44) 

"he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind" (Alma 7:11)
 
"these are the names of the different pieces of their gold, and of their silver, according to their value. And the names are given by the Nephites, for they did not reckon after the manner of the Jews who were at Jerusalem; neither did they measure after the manner of the Jews" (Alma 11:4)

"And those priests were ordained after the order of his Son, in a manner that thereby the people might know in what manner to look forward to his Son for redemption." (Alma 13:2)

"this is the manner after which they were ordained" (Alma 13:3)

"they were ordained after this manner" (Alma 13:8)

"after the people had all offered up thanks after this manner, they returned to their homes, never speaking of their God again until they had assembled themselves together again to the holy stand, to offer up thanks after their manner." (Alma 31:23)

"let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words" (Alma 32:27)

"they sent forth unto him desiring to know whether they should believe in one God, that they might obtain this fruit of which he had spoken, or how they should plant the seed, or the word of which he had spoken, which he said must be planted in their hearts; or in what manner they should begin to exercise their faith" (Alma 33:1)

"not a sacrifice of man, neither of beast, neither of any manner of fowl; for it shall not be a human sacrifice" (Alma 34:10)

"I would exhort you to have patience, and that ye bear with all manner of afflictions" (Alma 34:40)

"we do not suppose that this first resurrection, which is spoken of in this manner, can be the resurrection of the souls and their consignation to happiness or misery" (Alma 40:17)

"the Lamanites did come down into the land of Zarahemla, and did declare unto the people of the Nephites the manner of their conversion" (Helaman 6:4) 

"some did return railing for railing, while others would receive railing and persecution and all manner of afflictions" (3 Nephi 6:13)

"after this manner shall ye baptize in my name" (3 Nephi 11:27)

"After this manner therefore pray ye" (3 Nephi 13:9)

"after this manner do they bear record" (3 Nephi 17:16)

"I began to be learned somewhat after the manner of the learning of my people" (Mormon 1:2)

"these things are written unto the remnant of the house of Jacob; and they are written after this manner, because it is known of God that wickedness will not bring them forth unto them" (Mormon 5:12)

"the characters which are called among us the reformed Egyptian, being handed down and altered by us, according to our manner of speech" (Mormon 9:32)

"it sufficeth me to say that Jesus showed himself unto this man in the spirit, even after the manner and in the likeness of the same body even as he showed himself unto the Nephites" (Ether 3:17)

"he finished his record; (and the hundredth part I have not written) and he hid them in a manner that the people of Limhi did find them" (Ether 15:33)

"The manner which the disciples, who were called the elders of the church, ordained priests and teachers" (Moroni 3:1)

"after this manner did they ordain priests and teachers" (Moroni 3:4)

"The manner of administering the wine" (Moroni 5:1)

"their meetings were conducted by the church after the manner of the workings of the Spirit, and by the power of the Holy Ghost" (Moroni 6:8)

"he spake concerning faith, hope, and charity; for after this manner did he speak unto the people, as he taught them in the synagogue" (Moroni 7:21)

"after this manner did the Holy Ghost manifest the word of God unto me" (Moroni 8:9)

TOOLS & WORKMANSHIP:

"Thou shalt construct a ship, after the manner which I shall show thee" (1 Nephi 17:8)

"tools to construct the ship after the manner which thou hast shown unto me" (1 Nephi 17:9)

"the Lord did show me from time to time after what manner I should work the timbers of the ship. Now I, Nephi, did not work the timbers after the manner which was learned by men, neither did I build the ship after the manner of men; but I did build it after the manner which the Lord had shown unto me; wherefore, it was not after the manner of men" (1 Nephi 18:1-2) Here Nephi says essentially the same thing five different times but only in two different ways.

"we did find all manner of ore, both of gold, and of silver, and of copper" (1 Nephi 18:25)

"I did teach my people to build buildings, and to work in all manner of wood, and of iron, and of copper, and of brass, and of steel, and of gold, and of silver, and of precious ores, which were in great abundance" (2 Nephi 5:15)

"I did construct it after the manner of the temple of Solomon save it were not built of so many precious things; for they were not to be found upon the land, wherefore, it could not be built like unto Solomon’s temple. But the manner of the construction was like unto the temple of Solomon; and the workmanship thereof was exceedingly fine" (2 Nephi 5:16)

"I did cause that the women should spin, and toil, and work, and work all manner of fine linen, yea, and cloth of every kind, that we might clothe our nakedness" (Mosiah 10:5)

"he also caused that his workmen should work all manner of fine work within the walls of the temple, of fine wood, and of copper, and of brass" (Mosiah 10:11)

"king Noah built many elegant and spacious buildings; and he ornamented them with fine work of wood, and of all manner of precious things, of gold, and of silver, and of iron, and of brass, and of ziff, and of copper" (Mosiah 11:8)

"whosoever has these things is called seer, after the manner of old times" (Mosiah 28:16)

"their synagogues, which were built after the manner of the Jews" (Alma 16:13)

"there cannot any man work after the manner of so curious a workmanship" (Alma 37:39)

"in time they might have timber to build their houses, yea, their cities, and their temples, and their synagogues, and their sanctuaries, and all manner of their buildings" (Helaman 3:9)

"they did still continue to build up churches unto themselves, and adorn them with all manner of precious things" (4 Nephi 1:41)

"Go to work and build, after the manner of barges which ye have hitherto built. And it came to pass that the brother of Jared did go to work, and also his brethren, and built barges after the manner which they had built, according to the instructions of the Lord" (Ether 2:16)

"they were built after a manner that they were exceedingly tight, even that they would hold water like unto a dish; and the bottom thereof was tight like unto a dish; and the sides thereof were tight like unto a dish" (Ether 2:17)

"he did obtain all his fine work, yea, even his fine gold he did cause to be refined in prison; and all manner of fine workmanship he did cause to be wrought in prison" (Ether 10:7)

"And they did work in all manner of ore, and they did make gold, and silver, and iron, and brass, and all manner of metals; and they did dig it out of the earth; wherefore, they did cast up mighty heaps of earth to get ore, of gold, and of silver, and of iron, and of copper. And they did work all manner of fine work. And they did have silks, and fine-twined linen; and they did work all manner of cloth, that they might clothe themselves from their nakedness. And they did make all manner of tools to till the earth, both to plow and to sow, to reap and to hoe, and also to thrash. And they did make all manner of tools with which they did work their beasts. And they did work all manner of work of exceedingly curious workmanship." (Ether 10:23-27)

WEAPONS & WARS:

"I beheld many generations pass away, after the manner of wars and contentions in the land" (1 Nephi 12:3)

"I, Nephi, did take the sword of Laban, and after the manner of it did make many swords" (2 Nephi 5:14)

"we multiplied exceedingly, and spread upon the face of the land, and became exceedingly rich in gold, and in silver, and in precious things, and in fine workmanship of wood, in buildings, and in machinery, and also in iron and copper, and brass and steel, making all manner of tools of every kind to till the ground, and weapons of war—yea, the sharp pointed arrow, and the quiver, and the dart, and the javelin, and all preparations for war" (Jarom 1:8)

"two hundred and thirty and eight years had passed away—after the manner of wars, and contentions, and dissensions" (Jarom 1:13)

"I did arm them with bows, and with arrows, with swords, and with cimeters, and with clubs, and with slings, and with all manner of weapons which we could invent" (Mosiah 9:16)

"I caused that there should be weapons of war made of every kind, that thereby I might have weapons for my people" (Mosiah 10:1)

"they went again even the third time, and suffered in the like manner" (Mosiah 21:12)

"they did arm themselves with swords, and with cimeters, and with bows, and with arrows, and with stones, and with slings, and with all manner of weapons of war, of every kind" (Alma 2:12)

"Amlici did arm his men with all manner of weapons of war of every kind" (Alma 2:14) 

"they would suffer death in the most aggravating and distressing manner which could be inflicted by their brethren, before they would take the sword or cimeter to smite them" (Alma 27:29)

"his people were armed with swords, and with cimeters, and all manner of weapons of war" (Alma 43:18) 

"they were prepared for them, in a manner which never had been known among the children of Lehi. Now they were prepared for the Lamanites, to battle after the manner of the instructions of Moroni" (Alma 49:8)

"the Lamanites, or the Amalickiahites, were exceedingly astonished at their manner of preparation for war" (Alma 49:9)

"many cities [...] all of which were strongly fortified after the manner of the fortifications of Moroni" (Alma 51:27)

"Amalickiah did pitch his tents in the borders on the beach by the seashore, and after this manner were they driven" (Alma 51:32)

"they had suffered great afflictions of every kind" (Alma 56:16)

"notwithstanding the Lamanites being cut off from their support after this manner, they were still determined to maintain the city" (Alma 57:11)

"ye have been appointed to gather together men, and arm them with swords, and with cimeters, and all manner of weapons of war of every kind, and send forth against the Lamanites" (Alma 60:2)

"they are murdering our people with the sword, yea, our women and our children, and also carrying them away captive, causing them that they should suffer all manner of afflictions" (Alma 60:17)

"the Lamanites had gathered together an innumerable army of men, and armed them with swords, and with cimeters and with bows, and with arrows, and with head-plates, and with breastplates, and with all manner of shields of every kind" (Helaman 1:14)

"in this manner they did fall upon them and cut them down to the earth" (Helaman 1:24)

"Gidgiddoni did cause that they should make weapons of war of every kind, and they should be strong with armor, and with shields, and with bucklers, after the manner of his instruction" (3 Nephi 3:26)

"the Nephites being in one body, and having so great a number, and having reserved for themselves provisions, and horses and cattle, and flocks of every kind, that they might subsist for the space of seven years, in the which time they did hope to destroy the robbers from off the face of the land" (3 Nephi 4:4)

"they did fall upon my people with the sword, and with the bow, and with the arrow, and with the ax, and with all manner of weapons of war" (Mormon 6:9)

"And they did make all manner of weapons of war." (Ether 10:27)

"when they were all gathered together, every one to the army which he would, with their wives and their children—both men, women and children being armed with weapons of war, having shields, and breastplates, and head-plates, and being clothed after the manner of war—they did march forth one against another to battle" (Ether 15:15)

"they did murder them in a most cruel manner, torturing their bodies even unto death" (Moroni 9:10)

CONGRATULATIONS! You made it to the end of a long list of example of really bad writing and translating. How do you feel? Invigorated by the Spirit? If not, let me leave you with yet another choice verse after the manner of Book of Mormon manners:

"a hundredth part of the proceedings of this people, yea, the account of the Lamanites and of the Nephites, and their wars, and contentions, and dissensions, and their preaching, and their prophecies, and their shipping and their building of ships, and their building of temples, and of synagogues and their sanctuaries, and their righteousness, and their wickedness, and their murders, and their robbings, and their plundering, and all manner of abominations and whoredoms, cannot be contained in this work" (Helaman 3:14)

Oh dear lord, The Book of Mormon could have been a hundred times more repetitive? Now that's not even funny.