Ronny Rasband criticized

I think it's only fair that we take a look a the words of our newly called apostles. Which ones were visited of Christ on the road to Damascus? Which ones were chosen Michael Corleone-style ("I don't need tough guys. I need more lawyers")? Let's start with Elder Rasband as he's highest on the ladder. What follows is his recent General Conference talk with my comments.

My dear brothers and sisters throughout the world, I’m very grateful to the First Presidency for inviting me to share my humble testimony this Sabbath day. The words of a favorite Latter-day Saint hymn describe my current feelings:

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me, (Jesus? I thought you were talking about your gratitude toward the First Presidency.)

Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me. … (Are you hiding sins from him? Repent!)

I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine

To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine, (It's definitely a rare trip for him.)

That he should extend his great love unto such as I, (Give yourself a break! Remember, he made you the way you are so he'd have to be a total jerk to deny you his love because you're a flawed being.)

Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify. … (I could probably do without you, if that makes you feel any better.)

Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me! (It's always all about you, isn't it?)

A few days ago I had the great privilege to meet with the First Presidency and receive this call from our dear prophet, President Thomas S. Monson. Not from Jesus? Are you just trusting Tommy is passing along JC's divine word? If so, how does that make you a "special witness of Christ"? I want to witness to all of you of the strength and love President Monson had as he said to me, “This call comes from the Lord Jesus Christ.” Later in this conference we got to see some of that strength as he finished a talk entirely slumped over the pulpit. It sounds like you're putting all your bets on the charisma of an elderly man and none on an experience with divinity.

I am overwhelmed and shaken to my very core to consider the import and significance of those words so tenderly spoken by our loving prophet. This is the second time you mention love, but what about reality or truth? Lies and falsehoods can be spoken in loving tones. President Monson, President Eyring, President Uchtdorf, I love you and will serve the Lord and you with all of my heart, might, mind, and strength. Way to kiss the ring, buddy.

Oh, how I have loved President Boyd K. Packer and Elders L. Tom Perry and Richard G. Scott. Oh, who cares? What's important is that you can bear "special witness" of Jesus Christ. I dearly miss them. I assume they were friends of yours to some degree. I'm sorry for your loss. I am blessed to have been trained and taught at the feet of these dear Brethren. The ass kissing here isn't warming my heart. Sorry. Not in the smallest part am I able to walk in their shoes, yet I am honored to stand tall on their shoulders and carry on in the Lord’s ministry. WTF? This exaggerated humility thing is repugnant. Can you, or can you not testify to having seen and spoken with the resurrected Jesus?

When I think of those who have helped make me who I am, I think first of my sweet and selfless eternal companion, Melanie. "Sweet"? Of course, that's how Mormons like their women, sweet and self-sacrificing. Through the years, she has helped mold me like potter’s clay into a more polished disciple of Jesus Christ. Like in the movie Ghost, right? That's some sexy shit. Her love and support, and that of our 5 children, their spouses, and our 24 grandchildren, sustain me. Really? You had to share the numbers? When are Mormons going to stop bragging with posterity tallies? To my dear family, I love you. This is the best line of your talk so far.

"This represents the penis of our Lord. We seek after this thing."

Like Nephi of old, I was born of goodly parents in the gospel and they of goodly parents back six generations. Huh? Are you dissing your ancestors seven generations back or just prepping us for a brag about your long LDS lineage? My earliest ancestors who joined the Church were from England and Denmark. Like everyone else in Utah. These early pioneers gave their all to the gospel of Jesus Christ and leave a legacy for their posterity to follow. Low education and a propensity for credulity? I am so grateful for a multigenerational Latter-day Saint family, and I know this is a worthy goal for all of us to strive for. Are you shitting on people who don't have a multigenerational LDS family "legacy"? What's so great about it anyway?

Many others have contributed to preparing my life for this new call. They include my childhood friends and family, early leaders, teachers, and lifelong mentors. This sounds a lot like my mission farewell talk. It also sounds a bit like an award acceptance speech. I hope you thank God or Jesus here soon. I must include those from my early mission to the eastern states and our beloved missionaries from the New York New York North Mission. Ah, I get what this is. It's your Mormon resume. You have to let us know why you were hired for the job. For the many who have influenced and shaped my life, I am most grateful. You're most welcome, probably. 

I have cherished serving with my Brethren of the Seventy. For 15 years I have been in one of the greatest quorums and loving brotherhoods of the Church. Thank you, my dear fellow servants. Now suck it, cuz I'm a mo'fuckin' apostle, bitchez!! Now I look forward to belonging to a new quorum. A quorum not shared with anyone who isn't white and sporting two really big testicles. President Russell M. Nelson, my love is deep for you and each member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. I'll "anoint" you with oil any time you want.

Sister Rasband and I have been blessed to visit members during many assignments in congregations and missions around the world. We love the Latter-day Saints everywhere! Naturally. Your faith has increased our faith; your testimonies have added to our testimony. You know what, I'm going to have to agree with you on this. There's something empowering about traveling the world and seeing Mormons abroad do their best to be like you and adopt your way of thinking. It makes you feel like your way really is the right way and you want to cheer them on. It's pretty much an imperialistic ego boost, but it's there. It's real.

Now, if I could leave one small message with you today, it would be this: the Lord has said, “Love one another; as I have loved you.” That's one of JC's finer messages. I’m confident that there is no choice, sin, or mistake that you or anyone else can make that will change His love for you or for them. And yet you quoted a song at the beginning of your talk that expresses a sort of disbelief that he would love you at all. Isn't that a bit inconsistent of you? That does not mean He excuses or condones sinful conduct—I’m sure He does not—but it does mean we are to reach out to our fellowman in love to invite, persuade, serve, and rescue. What makes you so sure that he doesn't "excuse or condone sinful conduct"? Did he talk to you about it? I also don't understand your transition from "Jesus loves you" to "that means we have to reach out and save people". Jesus loves us so we have to reach out and save? If he loves us why doesn't he reach out? And why do we have to save people when Jesus, the Savior allegedly already took care of that? Jesus Christ looked past people’s ethnicity, rank, and circumstances in order to teach them this profound truth. But he took special care to select white men in Utah to teach this... um... "profound truth".

I have been asked many times when I received my testimony. I can’t remember not believing in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Because you were born in an active LDS family that took special care to effectively cultivate you. Had you been born in another part of the world, just imagine what you wouldn't remember not believing. I have loved Them since I learned of Them at the knees of my angel mother, reading scripture and gospel stories. "Them"? You're a polytheist? "Angel mother"? Are you putting your mother on some ridiculous pedestal or are you semi-divine? That early belief has now grown into a knowledge and a witness of a loving Heavenly Father, who hears and answers our prayers. A knowledge based on what? YOU SAW HEAVENLY FATHER??? Why did you switch from a first person singular (I) to plural (our)? My testimony of Jesus Christ has been built from many special experiences in which I have come to know His great love for each one of us. What "special" experiences? It sounds like you're trying to justify your calling to apostleship, but you're definitely avoiding a description of any experience that would undoubtedly qualify you for this position. This whole talk is about laying out your resume and this is the one line that matters. Why leave it out?

I’m grateful for our Savior’s Atonement and wish like Alma to shout it with the trump of God. Comparing yourself to Nephi and now Alma? You're fucking awesome! I know that Joseph Smith is God’s prophet of the Restoration and that the Book of Mormon is the word of God. How do you know that? Good feelings? And I know that President Thomas S. Monson is God’s true servant and prophet on the earth today. Because he gave you a promotion?

As we follow our prophet, I pray that we may have charity in our hearts toward others and that we will become a living witness and indeed “stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers [us].” WTF? You just threw a bunch of nice sounding stuff into a sentence without worrying if it made sense or not. Rewrite. Oh, may it be “wonderful, wonderful to [you and to] me.” In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Ronny, I believe you have mastered Mormon speech like a true Utahn. I believe you'll make a great non-prophetic, non-revealing, non-seeing apostle of the LDS Church.

Full trust

 
One very frustrating aspects of LDS culture is the tendency to fully trust someone based on whether or not he or she is an active, believing member of the LDS Church. At the same time Mormons first impulse is to distrust  non-members. Never mind that there is no clear dividing line keeping only awesome, trustworthy people in the Church. Never mind that the Church has no monopoly on trustworthy individuals. But many members, especially in areas with higher LDS populations, practice this type of judgment despite their better judgment. Why is that? How do you escape it? Is it just a matter of group recognition and solidarity or is it something more?

Especially For Youth

I'm not sure why EFY had any negative effect on my relationship with the Church. I never went. Never cared to go until I realized how many girls my friends were meeting there. It simply didn't interest me. Maybe I'd had been to enough Scout camps in my life to know that I didn't want a summer camp with less hiking and more Church stuff. Maybe the thought of being surrounded by goody two-shoes Molly Mormons and Peter Priesthoods sounded too fake. Maybe I was too worldly in my music tastes. Maybe I was too focused on finding a summer job and working as much as I could. It's hard to say.

Either way, I find it a little strange that the very existence of EFY bothered me. It made me suspicious. I couldn't figure out who it was for. Loners? Testimony-less teens? Kids on drugs? In the end I couldn't help but conclude that more than anyone else, the Church needed EFY. EFY was an indoctrination camp. Like Primary. It had to be. The Church is desperate to convince the youth that the Church is the most important thing in their lives, even more so than their immediate family, and we all know how creepy that can get.

Or maybe not. But in the end EFY made me doubt.

Filling pockets full of virgins

Isn't it at least a little strange that following Joseph Smith's death many of his wives were divvied up between Brigham Young and Heber Kimball? It's a fact that many of those women didn't meet the requirements for plural marriage in the first place and should not have been married to Joseph, but why would they end up automatically marrying other early Mormon bigwigs? Is there another rule about wives trickling down the chain of hierarchy upon a prophet's death?

What about Brigham and Heber's other wives? I'm sure if we were to look at the lives of each of these sister wives and the situations surrounding their polygamous marriage, as has been done with Joseph's wives, we would find plenty of instances to doubt the divinity and righteous practice of the Law of Plural Marriage. Maybe some day I'll get around to it, but then where would I then stop? How many early Church leaders practiced polygamy? How many women had to cope with the practice despite their better judgement?

Years ago we heard that polygamy helped house and provide for widows. Taking care of the surplus of women is a good thing. We heard that polygamy was needed to boost the Mormon population even though polygamy doesn't actually do that. We were told that only a very small percentage of Mormon men practiced it as if that would somehow make how it was practiced ethical. We even heard our prophet say he did not think polygamy was doctrinal even though the commandment and explanation of it is still contained our scripture.

There's a lot of history here that we could discuss - a lot - and the LDS Church is trying to discuss it as little as possible while still appearing open and willing. What I would like to see is more focus on the people who felt constrained to practice and not on the institutional justifications.

Nancy Mariah Winchester (Smith) Kimball Arnold - wife #35

Nancy Winchester (August 10, 1828 - March 17, 1876) moved to Kirtland with her recently converted parents and older brother at the age of about five. She herself was likely baptized three years later at the "age of accountability." The Winchesters later moved to Missouri, but by 1842 were in Nauvoo.

Nancy was fourteen or fifteen when she was secretly married to Joseph Smith. When he died, she and other wives of Joseph were married to Heber Kimball. Nancy separated from Heber and married Amos George Arnold after arriving in Utah. They had one son, George, together.

Melissa Lott (Smith) Bernhisel Willes - wife #34

Melissa Lott (January 9, 1824 - July 13, 1898) moved with her family to Nauvoo in 1842. Her father, Cornelius, managed the Smith family farm a couple of miles south of town. Melissa soon moved in with the Smiths and helped out with Joseph and Emma's children. She moved back home as a single teen.

Then, towards the end of June, 1843, Joseph sent an entourage of secret wives to convince Melissa that she needed to marry him. Eliza Snow, Elvira Holmes, Elizabeth Durfee, and Elizabeth Whitney (mother of one of Joseph's teenage wives, Sarah Ann Whitney) dropped by the Lott farm for a chat.

Nineteen-year-old Melissa was secretly married to Joseph in September. Her parents were present as Melissa and Joseph vowed to keep themselves "wholly for each other" in the capacity of husband and wife. Melissa later confirmed that she was Joseph's wife "in very deed," which is to say they had sex. She even returned to the Smith home that winter. I wonder if Emma noticed anything.

Less than year after Joseph was murdered, Melissa married again, this time to a man named John Milton Bernhisel. Three years later, now in Utah, she married Ira Jones Willes, with whom she had six children: Achsa, Stephen, Lyman, Ira, Cornelius, and Polly.

Melissa lost her husband and son Cornelius in 1863. Achsa and Stephen also died before reaching adulthood.

Rhoda Richards (Smith) Young - wife #30

Rhoda Richards (August 8, 1784 - January 17, 1879) makes 30 known wives for Joseph Smith by mid-June of 1843, barely a year before he would be killed. Thirty wives, people! Rhoda was nearly sixty when she married Joseph, but other wives were as young as fourteen. Joseph was having sex with a good number of these plural wives.

Age is no obstacle. Never has been.

Rhoda's brother Willard was one of Joseph's main marrying men, so perhaps it isn't too strange that she would end up married to the prophet. She was also Brigham Young's first cousin, so obviously she was well connected to the sacred inner circle of Nauvoo Mormonism.

Brother Will.

Years before becoming an old polygamous wife, Rhoda was engaged to a man named Ebenezer Damon. He was known as a good man. He had a young daughter named Susan from a previous marriage and Rhoda grew very fond of her. Unfortunately Ebenezer died young. Rhoda, who was still in her twenties at the time, was, of course, devastated. Ebenezer's death weighed heavily on her for the decades to come.

Rhoda joined the Church in the mid-1830 via Brigham Young. She moved to Nauvoo in 1842. In Nauvoo she finally met Joseph, and the following year her brother married her to Joseph in an act she seems to have understood as confirming her spot in heaven.

After Joseph was killed Rhoda married her cousin Brigham. She moved to Utah with the Brighamite saints to live out the remainder of her life.

Elvira Annie Cowles Holmes (Smith) - wife #29

Elvira Holmes (November 23, 1813 - March 10, 1871) joined the Church in 1835 at the age of 22. Her father Austin Cowles had joined earlier.

Austin moved his family to Nauvoo in 1840 where Elvira gained employment at the Smith residence.

It was there she met Joseph Smith's long time friend Jonathan Holmes, to whom she was married (by Joseph) and with whom she bore two children. Six months after her marriage to Jonathan, Elvira was sealed to Joseph. Jonathan deeply resented that his children with Elvira would be given to Joseph in the Celestial Kingdom.

Elvira's father Austin disaffected from the Church and helped with the Nauvoo Expositor, the paper denouncing Joseph's secret polygamy and contributing to the local anger felt towards Joseph.

Elvira moved out west with the saints. Her husband Jonathan married his second wife, Sarah Ingersoll Harvey Lloyd, in 1862.

Elvira died in Farmington, Utah.

Flora Ann Woodworth (Smith) Grove - wife #20

Joseph Smith's third teenaged bride was Flora Woodworth (November 14, 1826 - ca. 1850). The two met through Flora's father, Lucien, who was the architect of the Nauvoo House hotel. She was all of sixteen years old (and likely a virgin) when she married the prophet early in 1843.

William Clayton

Joseph seems to have been very excited about Flora and, according to William Clayton, met with her fairly regularly. He even gave her some bling: a gold watch.

The marriage complicated life for at least a few people. Emma found out about the relationship (no, she hadn't given her permission) and the gold watch, found Flora, bitched her out, and demanded the watch back. Joseph tried to reprimand her and got hell in return. Upon returning from a mission, Orange Wight, Flora's would be suitor, found out about the marriage and stopped his pursuit. He was nineteen.

Still not used to it, Emma?

After Joseph's assassination Flora married a non-member named Carlos Grove, with whom she had three children (but none with Joseph). She confessed to Helen Mar Kimball that marrying a non-member had caused regrettable ostracization in the Mormon community. The Groves tried to move out to Utah, but Flora died en route. She was in her mid-twenties.

Ruth Daggett Vose Sayers (Smith) - wife #19

Ruth Sayers (February 26, 1808 - 1884) was an upholsterer from Boston. She was baptized there by Brigham Young in 1836, about four years after she had first heard of the Mormons. While living in Boston she donated significantly to the Kirtland temple construction.

Ruth married Edward Sayers in 1841 and the couple soon headed to Nauvoo. In August of the following year, Ruth got to know Joseph Smith better when he stayed with the Sayers for a week while hiding from the law. Ruth and Joseph were married six months later.

Ruth stayed living with Edward in Nauvoo and for the rest of her life. After Joseph's death the Sayers moved back to Boston for a few years before moving out to Utah.

Martha McBride Knight (Smith) Kimball - wife #17

Martha Knight (March 17, 1805 - November 20, 1901), wife of Vinson Knight, joined the Church with her husband in 1835, the year after meeting Joseph Smith. They moved with the saints to Ohio, Missouri, and in 1841 Nauvoo, where Vinson was appointed as one of the city's three bishops.

Joseph taught Vinson about plural marriage, and in 1842 Martha had gained a sister wife, a woman named Philinda Merrick. That same year Vinson took ill and died, and within a month Martha was married to Joseph.

Before Vinson's death he and Martha would have seven children together: Almira, Rizpah, Adaline, James, Nathaniel, Martha, and Rodolphus.

Joseph tried to set up Almira with his brother Hyrum, but Almira refused. Adaline, on the other hand, would end up in a polygamous marriage. Seeing Adaline's marriage troubles, Almira was always grateful to have avoided polygamy, not knowing that her mother had participated in three polygamous marriages.

Martha's third polygamous marriage was with Heber Kimball a few short months after Joseph's death. She had a child with him and moved to Utah with his harem, but lived most of her life there with relatives. Toward the end of her life she spoke of feeling homeless and lonesomeness.

I'm sure she had some say about what she wanted, but I get the feeling that Martha was a woman who was passed around as decisions were made for her. I hope she enjoys the eternities somehow despite being sealed to three questionable men.

Sarah Ann Whitney (Smith) Kingsbury Kimball - wife #16

Sarah Whitney (March 22, 1825 - September 4, 1873) was only seventeen when her father, Newel K. Whitney, officiated her marriage to Joseph Smith. Newel, who was a close friend of Joseph, was even given a revelation (through Joseph, naturally) that this marriage was a wonderful idea - it would bring earthly blessings and seal the Whitney family's place in the Celestial Kingdom!

Let me emphasize this point: Newel and his wife Elizabeth secretly married their eldest (but still teenaged) daughter to a man 20 years her senior in exchange for a golden ticket to heaven.

People, if this sounds like a huge, manipulative con to you, let me say right now that there's nothing wrong with you. This arrangement looks shady and disgusting, and don't you doubt it!

It gets even shadier still. In mid-August Joseph, hiding from the law, tells Sarah and her parents that it is "the will of God that you should comfort me now" only to follow up with a warning to watch out for Emma, who, according Joseph, was dangerous. Joseph, on the other hand, was just a sick bastard (but at least he followed the divine mandate to marry a virgin).

The shadiness of this arrangement continues. Joseph then arranged a faux-marriage between Sarah and Joseph Kingsbury. I can only assume this was so it would be easier for Joseph to drop by on Sarah without creating suspicion. Very classy stuff. Very holy.

Joseph was killed less than two years later, at which point Sarah's marriage to Kingbury was disolved and Sarah went on to marry Heber Kimball, with whom she had seven children: David, David Orson, David Heber, Newel, Horace, Sarah, and Joshua. Her life ended in Utah before the age of 50.

Delcena Johnson Sherman (Smith) Babbitt - wife #14

With Delcena Johnson (Novermber 19, 1806 - October 21, 1854) we have yet another widow. She was first married to Lyman R. Sherman, with whom she had six children, so right off the bat we can see that Joseph Smith wasn't following the virginal bride requirement. The couple joined the Church together in 1831 in New York. They moved Kirtland, then to Far West, and, following Lyman's death, Nauvoo. Delcena's brother Benjamin took her and her children in.

Then Benjamin was sent on a mission to Canada and before he returned in 1842 Delcena was married to Joseph. Benjamin accepted the marriage without question. Delcena was living with her sister wife, Louisa Beaman. The three of them - Benjamin, Delcena, and Louisa - would eventually all pitch in to convince Almera Johnson, Benjamin and Delcena's younger sister, to marry Joseph as well.

Delcena married a third time after Joseph's assassination, this time to Almon Babbitt. In 1850 he left for Utah without her. She made the trip four years later, eager to no longer be left lonely, only to die within a couple of months of arriving in Utah.

The missing links

Let's go back to my favorite childhood depiction of a scene from The Book of Mormon: Arnold Friberg's Abinadai and King Noah. It just so happens that my favorite part of that painting - the jaguars chained up at Noah's feet - cannot be found anywhere in The Book of Mormon. Neither can any of the other distinctly New World animals you would expect the Jaredites and Lehites to run into and describe. (As a quick note, The Book of Mormon does use lions in a few similes which might suggest they were calling jaguars or pumas "lions" out of ignorance, an ignorance God perpetuates in the translation he gives to Joseph Smith, but isn't it just as likely that Joseph included only Old World animals because those are the ones found in and copied from the Bible?)

Regardless of where in the New World you think the events of The Book of Mormon took place, there are a number of animals you would expect to see showing up in the text under a more specific term than "beasts." Where are the pumas, the deer, the alligators, the foxes, the wolves, the coyotes, the racoons, the peccaries, the bison, the elk, the moose, the beaver, the turkeys, the manatees, the dolphins, the skunks, the antelope, the bears, the squirrels, the otters, the porcupine?

Or the jaguars, the monkeys, the parrots, the opossums, the sloths, the armadillos, the ocelots, coati, the tapirs, the iguanas, the geckos, the egrets?

Or the llamas, the toucans, the capybaras, the giant tortoises, the river dolphins, the giant constrictors, the anteaters, the howler monkeys, the tamarin, the spider monkeys, the uakari, the chinchillas, the jaguarundis? Including a few of these animals in text would have really helped link it to reality.

What about flora? Where are the New World crops? Maize, potatoes, tomatoes, tobacco, cacao, vanilla, squash, sweet potatoes, peanuts, pineapple, avacado, peppers, agave, beans, strawberries, amaranth, papaya? An occasional description of some new and exciting crop would make a lot of sense in The Book of Mormon, and yet there's nothing mentioned other than Old World grains that have no evidence of cultivation in the New World. Now that's a gigantic hole!

What about other culturally significant information like how homes were built? What materials were used? How big were they typically? Who lived in a single house? What were families like? What were neighborhoods like? How were cities laid out? Where did people recreate? Did they make sports a priority at all? Why are we making assumptions that things looked like this?

Or this?

If I had to guess, I'd say Joseph Smith thought they were living in something like this:

But for all The Book of Mormon tells us, the Nephites' prosperity looked just like this:

I'm curious, if you were going to write an adventure story set in a the Pre-Columbian Americas, what sorts of details would you rely on to paint the scene for your readers? How would you describe a flourishing, prosperous people living in that context? Would you rely heavily on sheep, cattle, and horses to represent wealth? Would you talk a lot about finding gold in abundance and wearing fine linen? What does your Nephite society look like?

The New Jerusalem

Are you ready to pack up and move to Jackson County, Missouri? Will you be willing to uproot everything when the prophet makes the call? It could happen any day now. These are the latter days, people!

Back when God revealed the location of New Jerusalem he made it clear that there was not time to waste.

"Yea, the word of the Lord concerning his church, established in the last days for the restoration of his people, as he has spoken by the mouth of his prophets, and for the gathering of his saints to stand upon Mount Zion, which shall be the city of New Jerusalem. Which city shall be built, beginning at the temple lot, which is appointed by the finger of the Lord, in the western boundaries of the State of Missouri, and dedicated by the hand of Joseph Smith, Jun., and others with whom the Lord was well pleased. Verily this is the word of the Lord, that the city New Jerusalem shall be built by the gathering of the saints, beginning at this place, even the place of the temple, which temple shall be reared in this generation. For verily this generation shall not all pass away until an house shall be built unto the Lord, and a cloud shall rest upon it, which cloud shall be even the glory of the Lord, which shall fill the house." (D&C 84:2-5, emphasis added)

"And in order that all things be prepared before you, observe the commandment which I have given concerning these things— Which saith, or teacheth, to purchase all the lands with money, which can be purchased for money, in the region round about the land which I have appointed to be the land of Zion, for the beginning of the gathering of my saints; All the land which can be purchased in Jackson county, and the counties round about, and leave the residue in mine hand." (D&C 101:69-71, emphasis added)

For those who don't know the story, the saints were driven out of Jackson and many generations have passed away without erecting New Jerusalem in the slightest (I'm sure God was very discouraged, but hopefully he's over it by now). Instead we built Zion in Salt Lake City and after a while just told people to stay put for the time being.

But Jackson County's still slated to be Zion, the New Jerusalem. That hasn't changed. Since the 1970s the LDS Church has been "purchas[ing] all the lands with money [...] which can be purchased with money," just like it says to do in D&C 101.

So why do I doubt this Jackson County-New Jerusalem thing? Is it because God was wrong when he said "verily this generation shall not pass away until an house shall be built unto the Lord" (D&C 84:5)? Is it because the Church seems so ho-hum about hastening the work? Is it because Missouri sucks? I mean, honestly, why would Jesus rule the entire world from Jackson County? It's weird.

Then again, is ruling the world from a throne build in rural America any weirder than ruling from Washington D.C. or London or Paris or Berlin or Moscow or Beijing or somewhere else? Jesus rules, he can do what he wants.

P.S. Goddammit people! Someone beat us to building building the New Jerusalem temple.

Believing blood

One of the stranger beliefs of Mormonism postulates that the more Hebrew blood you have the more receptive to the truth of the Gospel and authority of the LDS Church you will be. Apparently belief is genetic and the Hebrews hold the majority of shares when it comes to believing... that they're the awesomest, most chosenest people of God.

Even awesomer than believing in the truth because you've got a lot of Hebrew is that if you're of the tribe of Ephraim you won't rebel!

"And the rebellious shall be cut off out of the land of Zion, and shall be sent away, and shall not inherit the land. For, verily I say that the rebellious are not of the blood of Ephraim, wherefore they shall be plucked out." (D&C 64:35-36, emphasis added)

So Ephraim just might be the least rebellious of all the believers of Israel. Very cool stuff (even if it's total nonsense).

It really gives you a sense of what the world lost when the blood of Joseph Smith, a pure Ephraimite, a pure non-rebellious believing blood type, was spilled at Carthage. What a fucking waste of the "best blood of the nineteenth century" (D&C 135:6)!

Joseph Smith III, half Ephraimite, half Moggle.

What's worse is that obviously Emma contaminated that blood because otherwise Joseph Smith III would have surely reunited with the saints in Utah. If only we could once again breed the purest of believers...

Avert thy eyes!

In addition to creating the allusion of threat from associating with non-Mormons (especially apostate Mormons) and indulging in reading anything other than testimony-bolstering words, Mormons also face the threat of other bad influences in the media.

Movies and videos are extremely dangerous, so dangerous in fact that the leaders of the Church have for decades told members to not watch films with particular MPAA ratings. Thank God, Jesus Christ, and Holy Ghost we have prophets to make decisions for us and those decisions are based on the decisions of a small anonymous group under the control of the film-making industry. Then again, what if we have reason to distrust the MPAA? And how do the MPAA ratings translate into ratings in other countries anyway? How can it be that 12-year-old members in the UK can watch The King's Speech but in the US and Canada the R rating would keep obedient Mormon adults from seeing the film? That's a pretty big rating discrepancy.

Mormons are very aware of the conundrum and love to discuss it.  The Church, however, is very clear, especially when addressing the youth.

"Satan uses media [HE DOES??] to deceive you by making what is wrong and evil look normal, humorous, or exciting. He tries to mislead you into thinking that breaking God’s commandments is acceptable and has no negative consequences for you or others. Do not attend, view, or participate in anything that is vulgar [LIKE BOY SCOUT CAMPS], immoral [LIKE MOVIES THAT DEPICT LAMANITES AS MAYANS], violent [LIKE THE STORY OF JESUS' DEATH], or pornographic in any way [STAPLE THE PAGES OF THE SONG OF SOLOMON TOGETHER AND NEVER READ THEM!]. Do not participate in anything that presents immorality or violence as acceptable [LIKE READING ABOUT NEPHI JUSTIFYING DECEPTION, MURDER, AND COERCION]. Have the courage to walk out of a movie, change your music, or turn off a computer, television, or mobile device if what you see or hear drives away the Spirit [FOR ME THAT WOULD INCLUDE THE SEMINARY SCRIPTURE SOUNDTRACKS AND ALL EFY MUSIC COMPILATIONS]."

The logic of this statement has long been presented through the following Mormon Ad.

Not to worry, North American Mormons have their ways of enjoying the ice cream without the cockroaches. Thanks to illegal film editors in Utah and ClearPlay, people all over the country (not just Mormons) have been able to binge on all the cockroach-free ice cream they wanted.

Then again, isn't it a little superficial to redub dirty words and cut the nudie scenes? Isn't there more going on in a film or song? Aren't there other elements to art that can make it offensive? Can't we all think of a movie that objectifies women horribly without ever showing nudity, or a game that maybe doesn't show gore but has more perpetual violence and killing than even Saving Private Ryan? And aren't there at least a couple of movies out there that have a nude sex scene or a graphic murder that actually teach wholesome, conservative values? What about Requiem for a Dream? I bet you can't find a D.A.R.E. officer who wouldn't love for every teen in the US to watch that movie!

Why should Mormons, or anyone else, be content ruling out thousands upon thousands of movies, music, etc. because there are more than a couple of occurrences of the word "fuck," or just one occurrence in a sexual context? Are we that blind to the real world? Can we honestly not take the responsibility upon ourselves to determine what is uplifting and what we feel isn't going to benefit us?

Oh, whatever! Most Mormons ignore this whole "no R-rated movie" thing anyway. Watch whatever the hell want.

Mormon culture

Not all Mormon communities are created equal. Perhaps the most common division of Mormons cuts between Utah Mormons and Mormons everywhere else in the world (also referred to as "the field"). Members from the field can't stand Utah Mormons. They say Utah Mormons are unbearable sanctimonious jerks who only see the world in black and white terms. The implication is that the Church is better outside of Utah. Better because the members are more authentic and accepting, more Christ-like. 

(Members outside the U.S. tend to be thought of a bit like merit badges.)

Utah Mormons naturally hate hearing how they suck and how they make the Church insufferable, so they often find a scapegoat for all the shitty Mormon behavior that makes hanging out with other Mormons such a chore. Inside Utah all annoying aspects of Mormon culture are said to have been bred in Utah County (also known as ”Happy Valley” or "the Bubble"), where all the asshole Mormons live in blissful ignorance of the real world and the real Gospel. 

But Utah County Mormons aren't about the accept responsibility for making Mormon culture awful. Hell no! They're not the ones with sticks up their asses! It's those self-righteous know-it-alls over at BYU who are dragging the good name of Mormons into the sewers of arrogance and bad taste.

It's BYU culture, not Mormon culture, that we all hate, right? Kind of, unless you're at BYU, then you have to find someone else to blame, like for example the RMs (returned missionaries) who haven't quite landed yet. They're still trying to proselytize even though everyone's already Mormon and rope you into early morning scripture study or late night hymn singing! They get all touchy about how the Spirit retreats when someone swears or if the person they're dating tries to slip them the tongue! They're ridiculous! No one understands why the Church hasn't ex-communicated them yet.

This all makes total sense unless you're an RM attending BYU and you still hate the culture you're immersed in.

My doubts about belonging to Mormon culture hit hard during my final years at BYU. Maybe it was something about squabbling over caffeinated beverages for the billionth time or listening to another rant about how not watching R-rated movies is a commandment. No, it wasn't just that. Maybe I just couldn't handle the singles wards anymore, the desperate males struggling to establish themselves as an Alpha and the desperate but contemptuous females all calculating how to line up yet another silly Mormon-style date with that special "one", their "eternal companion", who fortunately happens to live in same ward boundary. Maybe it was just Church culture in general. I'm thinking of the suits and ties, the meaty handshakes, the laughably irrelevant insights to certain verses of scripture, the camaraderie found in the persecution complex, the vocal disgust of everything pertaining to "the world", the delight in leader veneration, and the drive at ladder climbing. Maybe it was because I was finding myself turning anti-war and hated the rhetoric of being a soldier in Christ's army. Maybe it was because I was realizing more and more that I identified as a feminist and therefore qualified as an enemy of the Church. Maybe it was my disgust for the cult of virginity perpetuated within Mormonism under the guise of “chastity”, "cleanliness", "virtue", and "honor". Maybe it was the parameters Mormonism had set on science by suggesting it's not true science if it contradicts Mormon doctrine.  Maybe it was the patriotic zeal infused in the Book of Mormon's depiction of the Americas as the most promised of promised lands. Maybe it was the overall defensiveness members feel toward outsiders and outside opinions. Maybe it was the overall defensiveness members feel toward each other.

Who or what started all this crap? Who could I blame for all of these deplorable aspects of my culture? The vocal nut job members of the Church? Misguided local leaders? Prophets speaking as men? Ancient unenlightened traditions? Human nature? God?

Could I see myself living happily within this culture? How long could I hold out?

Environmentalism and conservationism

Despite Mormonism teaching that we humans are the stewards of the Earth, most Mormons (especially leaders*) say fuck all about being more responsible when it comes to the environment. Mormons are about growth, they're about big houses with big yards (in the middle of the desert) for big families, they're about big profits to pay for big houses and big families who can pay the Church with big tithing checks. Utah Mormons especially tend to be politically conservative and extremely critical of troublemakers like hippies and tree-huggers and just about any environmentalist type.

I remember having numerous arguments with fellow Mormons about how members should be much more concerned about the environment than they are and each time the Mormon argument came down to something like this:

"Well the world has to get worse before it gets better and besides Jesus will set things straight at the Second Coming." In other words, let's not worry about it.

Setting the tone for less-than-environmentally-conscious landscaping.

I knew it was coming every time, and it only made me more and more pissed off. How could I be part of a group that thinks like this? How could the Creator of the world be leading these people? I have to confess it made me doubt.

*Only this year, after some asshole youth leaders from Highland, Utah toppled a rock formation in Goblin Valley State Park, did the Church finally make a statement in favor of conservationism.

Mormon Art

Have you ever wondered why Mormon art is so kitschy? I liked a lot of it when I was little, especially if it featured animals prominently somewhere in it. I think the now classic Arnold Friberg rendition of Abinadi standing in chains before Noah was probably my favorite (the jaguars really did it for me).

Friberg's obsession with superhero arms and tiny heads are probably what made him an instant hit among little boys like myself and Utah farmers.

 

(11-year-old head on college athlete body)

 

(the man of steel)

 

(shrunken head Viking father)

The Utah thing might explain why Mormons have long loved this portrait of Cowboy Jesus:

More recently the Mormon Jesus has been reinterpreted as the Fuzzy Bear Jesus.

Either way he's a hit with the young women of the ward.

And he really knows how to connect with your troubled son.

These paintings are unarguably bad, but for me the most testimony-damaging picture of all was probably Clark Kelly Price's "When the Angels Come". It's absolutely awful and I'm pretty sure the spirits of the pioneers who went through these kinds of grueling experiences cry every time someone looks at this painting.

It's a silly reason to doubt, I know, and I'm not saying it threw my testimony into a total tailspin, but poor quality of Mormon art had me scratching my head. How could such uninspired art be part of such an inspired tradition? How could something so ugly even sell?

The BYU Bookstore was always (and still is) a treasure trove of shitty Mormon art. It hurts to look at it. It hurts to think that people buy it and put it in their homes. I refused to accept it as part of my cultured heritage. Jesus, his Gospel, and his church deserved so much better.

Then again, at least it's not as awful as Jehovah's Witness art.