Gary Stevenson criticized

I think it's only fair that we take a look a the words of our newly called apostles. We all deserve to know just what exactly they can testify of. What witness can they give? Elder Stevenson's recent General Conference talk with my comments.

Dear brothers and sisters, it has been many decades since a general conference has been convened that President Boyd K. Packer and Elders L. Tom Perry and Richard G. Scott were not seated immediately behind the podium and speaking at one of these sessions. It's also been many decades that people have been hoping and praying that Boyd just fucking die already. That man was a monster. Our memories of them are poignant, and I add my tribute to honor them, each so uniquely different yet so harmonized in their witness and testimony of Jesus Christ and His Atonement. It's not too hard to harmonize when both their witnesses and the Atonement are complete mysteries. None of them ever claimed to have seen Jesus and none of them ever gave a satisfactory explanation of the Atonement.

Furthermore, I, like you, find strength in and sustain President Thomas S. Monson as prophet, seer, and revelator, and I marvel at his faithful and dutiful apostolic service spanning over 50 remarkable years. Like me? Never in my life have I been impressed with Monson's record as a prophet, seer or revelator (but it was rumored in the mission that he had a photographic memory and that impressed me).

And so it was on Tuesday morning of this week, just after 9:00 a.m. as the Bishopric was beginning a meeting with the Asia Area Presidency, who are here for conference, that I was called to meet with President Monson, along with his counselors. "And so it was"? Where did that come from? You weren't telling a story or any kind of narrative that calls for a "and so it was". Moments later, as I walked into the boardroom adjacent to his office, I must have looked nervous sitting across the table, as he kindly spoke to calm my nerves. It's nice to know Tommy remembered his manners considering he can remember so little these days. He commented, noting my age, that I seemed quite young and even looked younger than my age. This sentence is both horribly redundant and hardly information worthy of your audience. I hope you get better at telling stories real fast.

Then, within a few moments, President Monson described that acting on the will of the Lord, he was extending a call to the Quorum of the Twelve to me. How do we know he was acting on the will of the Lord? Was Jesus to busy to call his own "special witness"? He asked me if I would accept this call, to which, following what I am sure was a very undignified audible gasp, in complete shock, I responded affirmatively. "Guh! Wha? Really? You want me to back the Porche out of the garage? Wow! OK, sure!" Dude, Gary, where was your wife in all this? And then, before I could even verbalize a tsunami of indescribable emotion, most of which were feelings of inadequacy, President Monson kindly reached out to me, describing how he was called many years ago as an Apostle by President David O. McKay, at which time he too felt inadequate. But don't worry, you'll learn to fake the shit out of this whole apostle thing! And the pain of being a fraud fades fast. He calmly instructed me, “Bishop Stevenson, the Lord will qualify those whom He calls.” You'll soon find justifications for why your "special witness" consists of nothing more then the same happy feelings that make a Mia Maid cry at girl's camp. It's your position, bro! It's the cumulative faith of everyone who believes you have a particularly special relationship with Jesus not unlike the one the original apostles had 2000 years ago. These soothing words of a prophet have been a source of peace, a calm in a storm of painful self-examination and tender feelings in the ensuing agonizing hours which have passed day and night since then. Monson the soothsayer. I don't think Mormons are supposed to like soothsayers. Flattering people is a no no.

I rehearsed what I have just described to you to my sweet companion, Lesa, later that day, seated in a quiet corner on Temple Square, with a serene view of the temple and the historic Tabernacle lying before us. Oh, here she is! Isn't it beautiful how Tommy and his crew took no consideration of her in this whole process and left it entirely up to you? I'm sure she was thrilled to have this new popped on her like an unexpected wedding engagement! :S As we tried to comprehend and process the events of the day, we found our anchor to be our faith in Jesus Christ and our knowledge of the great plan of happiness. In other words you sat around confessing that you had no idea what the fuck was going on, but it's all good because Jesus is rad and his plan is the best? Whatever works for you, man. This leads to an expression of my deepest love for Lesa. She is the sunshine in and of my life and a remarkable daughter of God. Sounds... condescending... Hers is a life punctuated by selfless service and unconditional love of all. So she's the perfect Mormon woman who has given up everything to bear children and watch her husband move up the ladder of success. How 1950s of you two. I will strive to remain worthy of the blessing of our eternal union. It's time to close your Ashley Madison account.

I express my deepest love to our four sons and their families, three of whom are here with their beautiful wives, the mothers of our six grandchildren; the fourth, a missionary, has special permission to stay up past missionary curfew and is viewing these proceedings live with his mission president and the mission president’s wife from their mission home in Taiwan. Oh, the mandatory pater familias creds. No thanks. I love each of them and love how they love the Savior and the gospel. Chances are one of those grandkids is going to up and leave the Church one day. I hope you still love him or her then.

I express my love to each member of my family: to my dear mother and to my father, who passed away last year, who instilled in me a testimony which seemed to dwell in me from my earliest memories. That's called childhood indoctrination. Had you been born in another part of the world, just imagine what you might have known from the earliest age. I further extend this gratitude to my brother, sisters, and their faithful spouses, as well as Lesa’s family, many of whom are actually here today. They didn't fucking nominate you for an award, man. This isn't the Oscars. I cast this net of gratitude to numerous extended family, friends, missionaries, leaders, and teachers along the way. Now thank Jesus for looking favorably upon your whiteness and delightsomeness.

I have been blessed with a close association with the members of the First Presidency, the Twelve, the Seventy, and the general auxiliary presidencies. I express my love and esteem to each of you sisters and brothers and will strive to be worthy of our continued association. This sounds like a business promotion speech. The Presiding Bishopric enjoys an almost heavenly unity. Sounds sexual. I will miss my association each day with Bishop Gérald Caussé, Bishop Dean M. Davies, and the staff. Especially the hot young staffers (you know who you are!).

I stand before you as evidence of the words of the Lord recorded in the first section of the Doctrine and Covenants: “That the fulness of [the] gospel might be proclaimed by the weak and the simple unto the ends of the [earth], and before kings and rulers.” Enough with the false humility bullshit. You and Ronny are probably going to get into fights over who's the most humble about your new calling. These words are preceded by the Lord’s declaration which demonstrates the love of a Father for His children: “Wherefore, I the Lord, knowing the calamity which should come upon the inhabitants of the earth, called upon my servant Joseph Smith, Jun., and spake unto him from heaven, and gave him commandments.” Right, because fathers who love their kids a ton call up one of them - and only one (who happens to live in an extremely remote part of the world) - to give emergency preparedness instructions. Contacting each child individually is too time consuming for a father. By the way, is this the same father who called a council in heaven? He obviously regretted calling it.

Our loving Heavenly Father and His Son, Jehovah, with a knowledge of the end from the beginning, opened the heavens and a new dispensation to offset the calamities that They knew would come. Oh, Mormon polytheism, how the rest of the Christian world deplores it! The Apostle Paul described the forthcoming calamities as “perilous times.” Fear mongering. For me, this suggests that Heavenly Father’s generous compensation for living in perilous times is that we also live in the fulness of times. Yes! It's so wonderful living in a day and age when polygamy and abstinence from coffee have been restored! It totally makes up for all the killing going on around us constantly. :S

As I agonized over my inadequacies this week, I received a distinct impression which both chastened and comforted me: to focus not on what I can’t do but rather on what I can do. Whoa! This almost sounds like a spiritual experience! It's not quite a visitation from Jesus, but we'll be damned if we don't take it! I can testify of the plain and precious truths of the gospel. Which are what? I'm only asking because nothing in Mormonism seems very clear or precious to me these days.

These are the words which I have shared hundreds of times with both those who belong to the Church and many who are not members: “God is our [loving] Heavenly Father. I seriously doubt that. We are His children. I so doubt that. … He weeps with us when we suffer and rejoices when we do what is right. I can't see how that's even possible. He wants to communicate with us, and we can communicate with Him through sincere prayer. I've tried it often. It never worked. …

“Heavenly Father has provided us, His children, with a way to … return to live in His presence. He's got an awesome TV, a huge Blue Ray collection, tons of tasty treats, cozy furniture and is a generous cuddler. … Central to our [Heavenly] Father’s plan is Jesus Christ’s Atonement.” Ah, yes. The Atonement! That nonsensical act in which torture and bloodshed satiated the demands of some powerful law that God himself couldn't disregard or build around. 

Heavenly Father sent His Son to the earth to atone for the sins of all mankind. Because he was powerless to forgive. He absolutely had to have payment for every last sin. Of these plain and precious truths I bear my testimony, and I do so in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. Oh, shit! These were the "plain and precious truths"? I'm not better off in understanding this stuff than I was before.

Ronny Rasband criticized

I think it's only fair that we take a look a the words of our newly called apostles. Which ones were visited of Christ on the road to Damascus? Which ones were chosen Michael Corleone-style ("I don't need tough guys. I need more lawyers")? Let's start with Elder Rasband as he's highest on the ladder. What follows is his recent General Conference talk with my comments.

My dear brothers and sisters throughout the world, I’m very grateful to the First Presidency for inviting me to share my humble testimony this Sabbath day. The words of a favorite Latter-day Saint hymn describe my current feelings:

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me, (Jesus? I thought you were talking about your gratitude toward the First Presidency.)

Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me. … (Are you hiding sins from him? Repent!)

I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine

To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine, (It's definitely a rare trip for him.)

That he should extend his great love unto such as I, (Give yourself a break! Remember, he made you the way you are so he'd have to be a total jerk to deny you his love because you're a flawed being.)

Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify. … (I could probably do without you, if that makes you feel any better.)

Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me! (It's always all about you, isn't it?)

A few days ago I had the great privilege to meet with the First Presidency and receive this call from our dear prophet, President Thomas S. Monson. Not from Jesus? Are you just trusting Tommy is passing along JC's divine word? If so, how does that make you a "special witness of Christ"? I want to witness to all of you of the strength and love President Monson had as he said to me, “This call comes from the Lord Jesus Christ.” Later in this conference we got to see some of that strength as he finished a talk entirely slumped over the pulpit. It sounds like you're putting all your bets on the charisma of an elderly man and none on an experience with divinity.

I am overwhelmed and shaken to my very core to consider the import and significance of those words so tenderly spoken by our loving prophet. This is the second time you mention love, but what about reality or truth? Lies and falsehoods can be spoken in loving tones. President Monson, President Eyring, President Uchtdorf, I love you and will serve the Lord and you with all of my heart, might, mind, and strength. Way to kiss the ring, buddy.

Oh, how I have loved President Boyd K. Packer and Elders L. Tom Perry and Richard G. Scott. Oh, who cares? What's important is that you can bear "special witness" of Jesus Christ. I dearly miss them. I assume they were friends of yours to some degree. I'm sorry for your loss. I am blessed to have been trained and taught at the feet of these dear Brethren. The ass kissing here isn't warming my heart. Sorry. Not in the smallest part am I able to walk in their shoes, yet I am honored to stand tall on their shoulders and carry on in the Lord’s ministry. WTF? This exaggerated humility thing is repugnant. Can you, or can you not testify to having seen and spoken with the resurrected Jesus?

When I think of those who have helped make me who I am, I think first of my sweet and selfless eternal companion, Melanie. "Sweet"? Of course, that's how Mormons like their women, sweet and self-sacrificing. Through the years, she has helped mold me like potter’s clay into a more polished disciple of Jesus Christ. Like in the movie Ghost, right? That's some sexy shit. Her love and support, and that of our 5 children, their spouses, and our 24 grandchildren, sustain me. Really? You had to share the numbers? When are Mormons going to stop bragging with posterity tallies? To my dear family, I love you. This is the best line of your talk so far.

"This represents the penis of our Lord. We seek after this thing."

Like Nephi of old, I was born of goodly parents in the gospel and they of goodly parents back six generations. Huh? Are you dissing your ancestors seven generations back or just prepping us for a brag about your long LDS lineage? My earliest ancestors who joined the Church were from England and Denmark. Like everyone else in Utah. These early pioneers gave their all to the gospel of Jesus Christ and leave a legacy for their posterity to follow. Low education and a propensity for credulity? I am so grateful for a multigenerational Latter-day Saint family, and I know this is a worthy goal for all of us to strive for. Are you shitting on people who don't have a multigenerational LDS family "legacy"? What's so great about it anyway?

Many others have contributed to preparing my life for this new call. They include my childhood friends and family, early leaders, teachers, and lifelong mentors. This sounds a lot like my mission farewell talk. It also sounds a bit like an award acceptance speech. I hope you thank God or Jesus here soon. I must include those from my early mission to the eastern states and our beloved missionaries from the New York New York North Mission. Ah, I get what this is. It's your Mormon resume. You have to let us know why you were hired for the job. For the many who have influenced and shaped my life, I am most grateful. You're most welcome, probably. 

I have cherished serving with my Brethren of the Seventy. For 15 years I have been in one of the greatest quorums and loving brotherhoods of the Church. Thank you, my dear fellow servants. Now suck it, cuz I'm a mo'fuckin' apostle, bitchez!! Now I look forward to belonging to a new quorum. A quorum not shared with anyone who isn't white and sporting two really big testicles. President Russell M. Nelson, my love is deep for you and each member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. I'll "anoint" you with oil any time you want.

Sister Rasband and I have been blessed to visit members during many assignments in congregations and missions around the world. We love the Latter-day Saints everywhere! Naturally. Your faith has increased our faith; your testimonies have added to our testimony. You know what, I'm going to have to agree with you on this. There's something empowering about traveling the world and seeing Mormons abroad do their best to be like you and adopt your way of thinking. It makes you feel like your way really is the right way and you want to cheer them on. It's pretty much an imperialistic ego boost, but it's there. It's real.

Now, if I could leave one small message with you today, it would be this: the Lord has said, “Love one another; as I have loved you.” That's one of JC's finer messages. I’m confident that there is no choice, sin, or mistake that you or anyone else can make that will change His love for you or for them. And yet you quoted a song at the beginning of your talk that expresses a sort of disbelief that he would love you at all. Isn't that a bit inconsistent of you? That does not mean He excuses or condones sinful conduct—I’m sure He does not—but it does mean we are to reach out to our fellowman in love to invite, persuade, serve, and rescue. What makes you so sure that he doesn't "excuse or condone sinful conduct"? Did he talk to you about it? I also don't understand your transition from "Jesus loves you" to "that means we have to reach out and save people". Jesus loves us so we have to reach out and save? If he loves us why doesn't he reach out? And why do we have to save people when Jesus, the Savior allegedly already took care of that? Jesus Christ looked past people’s ethnicity, rank, and circumstances in order to teach them this profound truth. But he took special care to select white men in Utah to teach this... um... "profound truth".

I have been asked many times when I received my testimony. I can’t remember not believing in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Because you were born in an active LDS family that took special care to effectively cultivate you. Had you been born in another part of the world, just imagine what you wouldn't remember not believing. I have loved Them since I learned of Them at the knees of my angel mother, reading scripture and gospel stories. "Them"? You're a polytheist? "Angel mother"? Are you putting your mother on some ridiculous pedestal or are you semi-divine? That early belief has now grown into a knowledge and a witness of a loving Heavenly Father, who hears and answers our prayers. A knowledge based on what? YOU SAW HEAVENLY FATHER??? Why did you switch from a first person singular (I) to plural (our)? My testimony of Jesus Christ has been built from many special experiences in which I have come to know His great love for each one of us. What "special" experiences? It sounds like you're trying to justify your calling to apostleship, but you're definitely avoiding a description of any experience that would undoubtedly qualify you for this position. This whole talk is about laying out your resume and this is the one line that matters. Why leave it out?

I’m grateful for our Savior’s Atonement and wish like Alma to shout it with the trump of God. Comparing yourself to Nephi and now Alma? You're fucking awesome! I know that Joseph Smith is God’s prophet of the Restoration and that the Book of Mormon is the word of God. How do you know that? Good feelings? And I know that President Thomas S. Monson is God’s true servant and prophet on the earth today. Because he gave you a promotion?

As we follow our prophet, I pray that we may have charity in our hearts toward others and that we will become a living witness and indeed “stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers [us].” WTF? You just threw a bunch of nice sounding stuff into a sentence without worrying if it made sense or not. Rewrite. Oh, may it be “wonderful, wonderful to [you and to] me.” In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Ronny, I believe you have mastered Mormon speech like a true Utahn. I believe you'll make a great non-prophetic, non-revealing, non-seeing apostle of the LDS Church.

Temple prep - Endowed from on High "Lesson 3"

I'm reading the Church Education System's manual for temple preparation and adding my two cents. Text found here. 

Objective

“And we ask thee, Holy Father, that thy servants may go forth from this house armed with thy power, and that thy name may be upon them, and thy glory be round about them” (D&C 109:22). God powers are the best! Let's go make some new animal species and some tornadoes!

To help class members understand that those who attend the temple worthily will receive great blessings from the Lord. I've been reading a lot about "blessings" in these temple prep materials. I hope this lesson gets into some concrete details. People should know what to expect in temporal in return for the temple attendance.

Preparation

1. Carefully review the scriptures used in this lesson so that you will be prepared to lead the class discussion about them. Naturally.
   
2. You may want to prepare to have class members sing a hymn about temple work, such as “We Love Thy House, O God” (Hymns, no. 247), or about the eternal nature of truth, such as “Oh Say, What Is Truth?” (Hymns, no. 272). Sounds brainwashy, but on theme.
   
3. If Family Home Evening Video Supplement 2 (53277) is available, you may want to show “Temples Are for Eternal Covenants,” a six-minute segment. Oh dear Lord, DO NOT SHOW THAT VIDEO! The sentimentality is laid on in extremely thick layers of Carpenters-esque song and enough '80s soft focus to make everyone will feel awkward as fuck. Gordon's talk at the end is more of the same empty temple rhetoric we've seen previously. Skip the film.
   

Lesson Presentation

Ask class members if they have any questions. About what? You haven't even introduced the topic yet and the first lesson was too safe to incite any kind of questions, so unless these kids have read something on their own (from the Internet, say) they won't have anything to ask. Take the time required to answer questions to the best of your ability and as guided by the Lord’s Spirit. OK, fine. Here's a question: Why did the Church change the initiation back in 2005? Don't we criticize early Christianity for changing baptism from immersion to sprinkling? Why would God condone the change from sitting naked and getting touched to sitting in garments and only having gestures of touching? I thought we were supposed to be washed and anointed BEFORE dawning the garment of the holy priesthood. Remember that some aspects of temple work must not be discussed outside the temple. Like not being touched naked while being washed? It's no longer part of the temple so we can talk about it, can't we?

Temple Work Has Existed Since Ancient Times

You may want to begin by singing together a hymn about temple work or about the eternal nature of truth. Then again, the temple LDS ceremonies as we now have them don't seem to be eternal in nature at all. They are not to be found in ancient cultures and they have not remained the same since Joseph Smith made them up in the mid-1840s. Teaching that they are unchanging truth is misleading.

Explain that the Lord has always commanded His people to build temples. Well, not "always". The first construction we consider a temple - the Israelite tabernacle - was commanded thousands of years after the creation of Adam and Eve. I'm also reluctant to accept that God has a "people" and that that people is the Israelite nation and Jews. He has revealed the work to be done in temples. It has a lot to do with killing animals and burning their fat and blood, two of God's favorite foods.

• What temples or tabernacles are mentioned in the scriptures? The Israelite tabernacle, Solomon's (First Temple) and Second temple (started under Cyrus the Great, embellished by Herod and destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE) are all from the Bible; The Book of Mormon mentions an early Solomon temple replica built by Nephi and another one (or is it the same one) shows up hundreds of years later in the land of Bountiful (but all this stuff has never been confirmed in the slightest by archeology or anthropological research); Doctrine & Covenants calls for the construction of the Kirtland and Nauvoo temples; The Pearl of Great Price only rehashes references to Second Temple as found in Matthew.

Invite class members to review scripture indexes to find references dealing with temples and tabernacles. What does this have to do with the blessings you receive from the temple? Is this list making taking us somewhere? You may want to list the class members’ answers on the chalkboard. Because it helps the students feel like they've contributed to the lesson. You may also want to have class members review the following scriptures:

Moses’ tabernacle: Exodus 40:1–2, 34–38

Solomon’s temple: 2 Chronicles 3:1–2; 2 Chronicles 5:1

Herod’s temple: Matthew 21:12–15

Nephite temples: 2 Nephi 5:16; Mosiah 1:18; 3 Nephi 11:1

Explain that because of apostasy, all of these temples eventually lost their true purposes and were destroyed. The true purpose being sacrificing animals to Jehovah so he can relish in the smell of burnt fat and blood. Temple work in its fulness has been restored in our day through the Prophet Joseph Smith, bringing great blessings into our lives. And through the Freemasons. Don't forget the Freemasons! And don't ignore the fact that Joseph did not restore animal sacrifice, so I guess he didn't really restore the "fulness" of previous temples at all. Are we going to list the "great blessings" the temple brings to us?

Elder Bruce R. McConkie said: “The inspired erection and proper use of temples is one of the great evidences of the divinity of the Lord’s work. But cathedrals, synagogues, megachurches, and other religious buildings of other religions do not obviously. Wait, is he talking about penises? … Where there are temples, with the spirit of revelation resting upon those who administer therein, there the Lord’s people will be found; where these are not, the Church and kingdom and the truth of heaven are not” (Mormon Doctrine, 2nd ed. [1966], 781). Now he's talking about people with penises, er... Priesthood. Well who cares what Bruce is talking about considering all the things he's said that sound a lot like bullshit. I'm pretty sure we don't need to listen to him. He was never the prophet anyway.

Those Who Attend the Temple Worthily Are Promised Great Blessings

The temple, or the house of the Lord, is the place where we go to prepare for exaltation in the celestial kingdom. Right, going out into the world healing the sick and feeding the hungry is horrible preparation. YOU NEED THE ROBES AND HANDSHAKES! There we learn more about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. That's debatable. You just learn a couple extra names. We make covenants with Them, and They promise wonderful blessings to us. What "wonderful blessings"? Do tell.

In the Doctrine and Covenants, the Lord has described some of the blessings that come to those who attend the temple and live worthy of the covenants made there. Some of these blessings are described in section 109, which is the prayer offered at the dedication of the Kirtland Temple. A prayer to God describes the blessings God will give us? Aren't prayers what we ask for and not necessarily what God will give us? The words of this prayer were given to Joseph Smith by revelation. Joseph, this is Almighty God. Here's what you need to say to me. I know it's weird I just need to hear it in your charming voice...

President Howard W. Hunter said that this prayer “continues to be answered upon us individually, upon us as families, and upon us as a people because of the priesthood power the Lord has given us to use in His holy temples” (“The Great Symbol of Our Membership,” Ensign, Oct. 1994, 4). If Howard said so it must be true!

President Hunter then quoted some of the verses from section 109. Ask the class members to read these verses: Doctrine and Covenants 109:10–12, 22–23, 59, 67, 72, 75. Ask them to look for the blessings mentioned by the Lord.

Following the reading, ask the class members to list the blessings they have identified. Let's just skip to where you these blessings are listed below... Write the comments on the chalkboard. The blessings mentioned may include the following:

1. The Lord’s glory will be upon His people. Sounds great, but what does this mean? Will we all be shining brighter than the noonday sun? Will our hair be as brilliant white flames? Will we be accompanied by hosts of angels singing our praises? What?
   
2. The Lord’s servants will leave the temple with the Lord’s power, name, and glory, and angels will have charge over them. What power is that? The power to make billions of spirit children? The power to descend from the sky in a pillar of fire and float in the air? What power are we talking about? Who of the endowed LDS community has shown any sign of having these god powers? As for his name, you don't have to go to the temple for it. It's Elohim. I'm still confused about what the "glory" of the Lord is supposed to mean here. What will the angels who have charge over us do? Are these guardian angels? Inspiring angels? Is it even an honor for angels to have charge over a human or is it more like an annoying babysitting duty?
   
3. The Lord’s servants will take the truth of the gospel from the temple to the ends of the earth. This is a blessing for us how? We've already got our new secret name, special secret underwear and know the True Order of Prayer. We're good to go. Isn't preaching to others more of a blessing to those "others" and not us?
   
4. Stakes will be organized so that the Lord’s people may be gathered. I can see how this is sort of a blessing. Having a supportive community definitely benefits our psychological health. That said, I can't see how going to the temple produces this blessing. You can't get a temple before you have a few stakes set up first, so what really produces the stake is getting people to come to church regularly in the first place and getting them to pay their tithing. Once the people are there and the money's in, you just might get a temple. The cause and effect here are backwards.
   
5. All of scattered Israel will learn the truth and rejoice. "Scattered Israel"? Oh please. The LDS Church has not been at all effective in finding scattered Israel. We're still adopting everyone into the tribe of Ephraim. The Church isn't very good about sharing the truth either. They only just opened up about one of Joseph's favorite magic peep stones. It took them 180 years to reveal that truth to the world.
   
6. The families of the Saints and all of their sick and afflicted will be remembered before the Lord. Remembered by not healed or succored. Notice that the rate of illness and recovery  for LDS people are comparable their neighbors' with similar diets and lifestyles.
   
7. The Lord’s kingdom will fill the whole earth. We talking about a temporal or spiritual kingdom? Does fill mean there are no gaps or does it mean you'll find a Mormon within a 500 mile radius regardless of where you drop a pin on the map (oceans excluded, of course)? So far the LDS Church does not own the whole world (just Utah and 2% of Florida) and only makes up about .2% of the earth's population. Looks like we had all better go to the temple a lot more!
   
8. The Lord’s servants will someday be caught up to meet the Lord and will be with Him forever. Ah yes, the rapture and the resurrection of the dead. That will be one disgusting and terrifying event of carrion and carnage. God can hardly wait.By the way, why didn't God have Joseph pray for the blessing of eternal families? Isn't that the kicker for Mormons these days?
   

“Yea, and my presence shall be [in my house], for I will come into it, and all the pure in heart that shall come into it shall see God” (D&C 97:16). I've never known anyone in all my life who has ever professed to have seen God in the temple, only a couple batty old women who claim they saw the spirit of some deceased person show up to thank them. I think this is a wonderful time to go back and listen to Tom Philips' description of his second anointing. It might also be a fine time to read what Dallin Oaks has to say about trying to be worthy of seeing Jesus.

• How do you feel when you consider these wonderful blessings promised to those who attend the temple worthily and honor their covenants? I feel like someone's trying to pull the wool over my eyes. I do. I feel like this is the typical sort of motivation to get all us jackasses chasing a carrot they'll never catch. I feel pleased with myself for no longer attending the temple. But let's keep in mind that feelings or just feelings.

President Howard W. Hunter said: “Has there ever been a people with such stirring and wonderful promises! Yes. No wonder the Lord desires that His followers point themselves toward His example and toward His temples” (Ensign, Oct. 1994, 5). Non sequitur.

The Lord also made promises connected with temples in Doctrine and Covenants 97. Ask the class members to read Doctrine and Covenants 97:15–21.

• What do verses 15–17 teach about what the Lord’s people must do to qualify for the Lord’s blessings in His temples? (Be pure in heart and not allow any unclean thing to come into the temples.) God wants to give you lots of shit but only if you've washed your hands. He hates putting shit in dirty hands, it takes the fun out of it.

Explain that those who are pure in heart are called Zion. Verses 15–21 teach that we can help to build Zion by worthily attending the temple and striving to be pure in heart and undefiled by evil. The part that especially helps build Zion is your tithing. Pay your tithing and give generous donations to the Church. God likes it like that. And stop kissing Satan's asshole! God hates that.

• What blessings are promised in these verses to a people worthy to be called Zion? They'll see the Lord grab a soda from the temple kitchen fridge or maybe catch him sneak from the bathroom to his bedroom post shower.

Explain that a city named Zion existed in ancient times. No it didn't. Joseph made it up for his completely bullshit "inspired translation" of the Bible. This city was built by the prophet Enoch and his people. It was taken to heaven because of the righteousness of its people (see D&C 38:4; Moses 7:18–21, 69). Beamed straight up into the anus of heaven!

Zion will also exist in the latter days. As a U.S. national park in southern Utah. In the tenth article of faith, the Lord promises that a city named Zion will be built on the American continent. In Missouri, right? Or is this what the Church has in mind in Florida? Ask the class members to read this article of faith. Explain that the scattered people of Israel will gather to this great city (see D&C 103:11–13). We just have to figure out who and where they are.

Today, the members of the Church are counseled to become worthy to attend the holy temple and to build up Zion wherever they are living in the world. How will that work? Will they all migrate to Zion, America with their various chunks of the city and fit them all together like a giant puzzle or something? Or do you mean that members everywhere need to learn how to be pure in heart so they can enter Zion after the LDS Church builds it somewhere? We are to make our homes like temples—places of purity, love, and personal revelation. If you're living in a motor home it will probably be easier for you to take your personal Zion to the real, though still undetermined Zion.

• What can we do to become more pure in heart? Sell all we have, give the money to the poor and live humble lives of service to others.
• In what ways does the world sometimes make it hard to remain pure in heart? The world presents us with endless opportunities to buy more and more cool shit and even more stuff that will isn't so cool and will definitely end up in the trash within a year or two.
• In what ways could you help your family, branch, or ward to become pure in heart? Encourage them to give up their giant homes, several cars, massive televisions, expensive recreational toys and live like Jesus did. Maybe we could turn our churches into hospitals, homeless shelters, free hostels for travelers or food distribution centers. We should probably stop developing so much land and start designating our properties as wildlife refuges or something.

Explain that those who make and keep temple covenants and strive throughout their lives to become pure in heart are those who can help to build Zion. It sounds like the ultimate temple blessing here is that you'll get to become another brick in the wall of Zion. "You'll be blessed to work for us!" It sounds like a scam.

Conclusion

Bear testimony that those who worthily attend the temple will receive great blessings from the Lord, including the blessings of being a Zion people. You can say anything at all here. Anything at all. Tell the students that because you went to the temple you were able to see an old woman out trying to find her dog, you stopped and helped her find it and now she's taking the discussions. Tell them that you were once worried about your child's health but then one day in the temple you met someone who is an expert at administering essential oils and now, thanks to that expertise, your child is healthy and happy. Tell them that because you go to the temple twice a month, the Church is now building a temple in your old mission area. You really can take any event you want and attribute it to either going or not going to the temple. We must do all that we can to become worthy of these blessings and to become pure in heart. Please reference the so called blessing discussed above. They're not as impressive as they sound.

You may want to show the video presentation “Temples Are for Eternal Covenants.” I repeat, DO NOT show this video (linked above). It is horrible and your students will resent it.

Temple prep - Endowed from on High "Lesson 1"

I'm reading the Church Education System's manual for temple preparation and adding my two cents. Text found here. 

Objective

“And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent” (John 17:3). The writers of this manual are using this verse to validate the temple endowment drama in which Elohim repeatedly sends Jehovah (understood to be Jesus) and either Michael the archangel (understood to be Adam, the first man) or Peter, James and John of New Testament fame off on errands of making all of Creation and giving humans very special messages. The very special messages are Masonic hand signs, handshakes and passwords. I honestly can't see how this gives you any significant knowledge about who God and Jesus Christ are. We already know they're the Alpha and Omega tag team that will rock the universe forever. How about a little insight into what makes them laugh or maybe their favorite foods?

To help class members understand that the plan of salvation is taught in the temple. That's it? Do we have to keeping reading? I think we got the lesson down pat. I have no idea how you can be baptized and attend church meetings for an entire year and still need help with the layout of the Plan.

Preparation

1. Before class begins, prepare a chalkboard or poster illustration of the incomplete diagram showing the plan of salvation (see page 3). Oh dear Lord! Are you teaching 7 year olds? (You may wish to make a similar incomplete diagram on a piece of paper for each class member to complete during class discussion.) They'll fill the whole thing out in 30 seconds of shear boredom. You know that, right?
   
2. Make sure that each class member has access to a copy of the scriptures. Why? The scriptures don't discuss the modern Mormon temple in much detail at all. Also provide a copy of the booklet Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple for each class member. Drop the booklet, it's awful. Consider instead providing everyone with the script used for the endowment. These should have been ordered as part of the class materials. That's right, dude. You didn't order them? You fucked up.
   
3. You may want to assign several class members to help you with the second section of the lesson. You could give the scripture references mentioned under each part of the plan of salvation (premortal life, the Fall, etc.) to a class member and ask him or her to come to class prepared to summarize what these scriptures teach about the plan of salvation. This will be sure to annoy most of the students you choose.
   
4. If the Come unto Me videocassette is available, you may want to show “Man’s Search for Happiness,” a 13-minute segment. That's one corny-ass film. You might not want to show it.
   

Lesson Presentation

The Temple Is a Spiritual School

It's a school that gives the same lesson every single day all day long with no Q&A sessions, no class discussions, no homework, no quizzes or tests. It's not a very good school. 

Invite someone to give an opening prayer.

Explain that the scriptures will be used in each lesson. This way years later when their wondering where all the weird temple stuff comes from they'll have a vague impression that it came from scripture. Encourage class members to bring the scriptures to each class. It sucks when you have keep handing out library copies to these kids.

Distribute a copy of Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple to each class member. Explain that this is the student supplement for the course. Material from the booklet will be discussed throughout the lessons, and each class member should read the booklet during the weeks the course is taught.

Begin the lesson by explaining that the temple is a spiritual school that helps us learn more about the purpose of life and the plan of salvation. You really have to hammer this point because otherwise there's no way your students will feel like they've learned much more about the purpose of life and the plan of salvation.

Have class members read the following quotations, which explain some of what we learn in the temple:

President Gordon B. Hinckley said that the temple “becomes a school of instruction in the sweet and sacred things of God. Sounds great, but what is he referring to? Here we have outlined the plan of a loving Father in behalf of His sons and daughters of all generations. The same plan we learned by heart in Primary or a different one? Here we have sketched before us the odyssey of man’s eternal journey from premortal existence through this life to the life beyond. Like the sketches we've discussed countless times in Primary? Great fundamental and basic truths are taught with clarity and simplicity well within the understanding of all who hear” But not much understanding will be found by those who think a little more carefully. (“The Salt Lake Temple,” Ensign, Mar. 1993, 5–6).

President Brigham Young taught that the temple ordinance called the endowment gives us instruction necessary for eternal life: “Your endowment is, to receive all those ordinances in the house of the Lord, which are necessary for you, after you have departed this life, to enable you to walk back to the presence of the Father” And yet Jesus never ever spoke of Freemasonry as necessary ordinances because Freemasonry wouldn't come into existence until maybe 1400 or 1500 years later. To assume that the temple endowment is an essential ordinance to Christianity is to make a gross error.(Discourses of Brigham Young, sel. John A. Widtsoe [1954], 416).

Have class members read John 17:3.

• What does this scripture teach about the most important knowledge we can obtain? I've already explained one reason why using this verse in reference to the temple is fantastically out of place. See above.

Explain that in the temple, we learn more about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and we are able to grow closer to Them. What more do we learn about Heavenly Father? That his name is Elohim and that he delegated the creation of the universe to Jehovah, Jesus' secret name. Most members probably already know this. We learn about Their plan for us, which is referred to in the scriptures by various titles, such as the plan of redemption or plan of salvation. We learn that it requires knowledge of Freemasonry for us to get to heaven.

“We will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them” (Abraham 3:25). Will humans willingly enslave themselves to our will?

• What has helped you learn about the plan of salvation thus far in your life? Primary, Sunday School, FHE, and everything else the Church required me to do, but nothing in my real life, day to day experience.
• How has your understanding of the plan of salvation blessed your life? It gives me a rewards system and a reason to think that I'm destined for somewhere better than everyone else in the world who isn't an active believing LDS.

In the Temple We Are Taught the Plan of Salvation

Explain that as part of the temple endowment, the plan of salvation is taught. This has already been stated more than once. The bad news about this temple teaching is that it produces more questions than it answers. This section of the lesson will help the class members prepare to understand these teachings in the temple. Let's hope!

Refer to the incomplete chalkboard illustration and review the following information, using the scriptures to help the class members understand the ideas. As the scriptures are discussed, write them on the appropriate lines on the chart. If the class members have their own copies of the chart, have them add the scripture references to their charts. Uh! Boring.

If you have assigned class members to help you, ask them to present their information on the plan of salvation. Explain that this discussion will focus on the following questions: Where did we come from? Why are we here on earth? Where are we going after this life? Ah, yes, the big questions.

Premortal Life

1. We are spirit children of God, our Heavenly Father, and we lived with Him before coming to earth (see Romans 8:16–17). Um, I think you mean Elohim.
   
2. Heavenly Father called a great council in heaven (see Abraham 3:22–23). He presented a plan for our eternal development and happiness, which is called the plan of salvation. We chose to follow His plan. So did Satan, if you think about it.
   
3. In harmony with the plan, Jesus Christ, the Firstborn Son of Heavenly Father, volunteered to be our Savior (see Moses 4:2; Abraham 3:27). Which means his blood, obtained through torture, magically fixes everything wrong in the universe.
   
4. Lucifer, another son of God, rebelled against Heavenly Father’s plan and “sought to destroy the agency of man.” He and his followers were cast out of heaven and were denied the privileges of receiving a physical body and experiencing mortality. Throughout the ages, Satan, as Lucifer is now called, has tried to make all mankind miserable like himself by tempting them to be wicked (see Moses 4:1, 3–4; 2 Nephi 2:17–18). I think it's time we be the better man and forgive Lucifer.
   

The Fall

1. Adam and Eve were chosen to be the first of Heavenly Father’s children to come to earth and were placed in the Garden of Eden. At that time, their bodies were not mortal (see Moses 3:7–8, 21–23). This happened about 6000 years ago. No doubt about it.
   
2. Adam and Eve chose to eat the fruit that God had forbidden them to eat. Why did God tell them not to eat it if he really needed them to in order for his plan to work? Because he's a dick. As a result, they were separated from God’s presence. The more you learn about God, the less this sounds like a punishment. This separation is called spiritual death. It almost sounds as good as "death panels". God's got a good PR team. They became mortal, which means that their physical bodies would eventually die. Of everything mentioned so far, I think mortality is the only thing that makes sense. This is an observable reality confirmed by science, unlike the rest of this story. They also became able to have children. What? Were they in a perpetual state of prepubescence? Is this real doctrine? The change to the mortal condition is called the Fall More good PR work. (see 2 Nephi 2:19–25; D&C 29:40–41). So far you haven't explained anything an active Mormon of at least a year wouldn't already know.
   

Mortal Life

1. All those who chose in the premortal life to follow Heavenly Father’s plan gain a physical body by being born on this earth. During our mortal life, we are tested to see whether we are willing to live by faith and obey Heavenly Father’s commandments when we are not in His physical presence (see Alma 34:32; Abraham 3:24–26). Heavenly Father has decided on an interesting set up.
   
2. In mortality, each person is free to choose whether he or she will follow God or follow Satan (see 2 Nephi 2:27). His didactic methodology is also very "interesting".
   

Death and Resurrection

1. When we die, our spirits enter the spirit world, and our bodies remain on earth. Isn't the spirit world just another realm of the earth? Is it somewhere else? Does this mean Mormons believe in ghosts? This period of separation continues until the time of our resurrection. The spirits of the righteous are received into a state of peace and happiness, which is called paradise. Not a perpetual state of missionary work trying to convert the nearly 100% of the earth's population that has never hear of God's plan? The spirits of the wicked are placed in a state of darkness, which is sometimes referred to as a prison (see Alma 40:9–14; see also 1 Peter 3:19). Do you want to be confined to the hole until you resurrect?
   
2. The Atonement and Resurrection of Jesus Christ provide the way for all mankind to overcome physical death by being resurrected. Demigod blood is awesome like that! Resurrection means that our spirits and perfected bodies will be reunited for eternity (see 1 Corinthians 15:22; 2 Nephi 9:10–13; Alma 11:42–44). Even if you're headed for Outer Darkness. You'll at least be happy suffering totally misery in a perfect resurrected body. God's a generous fellow.
   
   “We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel” (Articles of Faith 1:3). Put another way, God's plan allows for a maximum return of just about 2/3 of his spirit children! That's a pretty good investment return, isn't it?
3. The Atonement of Jesus Christ also provides the way for us to be forgiven and cleansed from sin so we can dwell in the presence of God. Because you're a filthy dirty sinner and we all know it. The Savior suffered for the sins of all mankind in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the cross. As a result of His Atonement, we can repent of our sins and receive forgiveness. As we live the gospel, we can qualify to receive the gift of eternal life and become like Him (see Mosiah 3:5–12). Once again, none of this information should be new to someone who has gone through the discussion or Primary and was baptized. This lesson is terribly unnecessary and not going to be of much help to someone going through the temple.
   

Kingdoms of Glory

At the time of resurrection, each person will be assigned to a kingdom of glory. Those who are righteous will inherit greater joy and blessings than those who do not obey God’s commandments (see 1 Corinthians 15:35, 40–42).

1. The telestial glory is for those who do not receive the gospel of Jesus Christ or the testimony of Jesus or the prophets of God, and who live sinful lives (see D&C 76:81–88, 98–103). I have some thoughts about the telestial kingdom! First off, it has a weird-ass name...
   
2. The terrestrial glory is for the honorable people of the earth who are deceived and for those who are not valiant in the testimony of Jesus Christ (see D&C 76:71–79). Quitters like me!
   
3. The celestial glory is reserved for those who obey the commandments and receive the ordinances, overcome all things by faith in Jesus Christ, and become pure in heart (see D&C 76:50–70). This place must totally kick ass!

Before going on, I have to ask, is it strange to anyone else that all of this information has to be pooled from all across the scriptural canan? Would you think that one of the Nephis or Almas or Mormons would have written about this a little more clearly? I do. I think that if this is how the plan really is, someone in the New Testament would have spelled it out very clearly. If this is the plan that every prophet has learned about since Adam, I think it's safe to say the Old Testament should have a chapter or two (or ten) outlining this whole thing. Instead we get to piece it all together from a selection of verses that require a fair amount of interpretation. God really loves his puzzles. 

Ask class members to respond to the following questions: If they're still awake.

• What did you learn about the plan of salvation that you did not know before? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! SERIOUSLY. NOTHING.
• How do you feel when you think about Jesus Christ’s part in this great plan? Very confused. God's sense of justice is very Bronze Age and violent. It also strikes me as wholly ineffectual. I've never been able to sacrifice a living creature and have past mistakes be made right. How does that work exactly?
• How can we show Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that we are grateful for Their plan? We don't have to show them anything because we're already completely naked before them. They can see through our hearts and minds.

To emphasize the great importance of the Savior’s Atonement in the plan of salvation, write the third article of faith below the completed chart as shown. We had to memorize this when we were 8 years old. Let's consider that the people taking this class are 18. That makes 10 years of repeating this article of faith. Don't you think they've got it by now? Doesn't this feel brainwashy at all to you?

 Conclusion

Emphasize that the temple provides us with knowledge about this plan, knowledge that brings great blessings into our lives. I would love what significant details the endowment offers. I've done it many times, read through it several more. The temple offers nothing enlightening, just a bunch of bizarre "symbolic" details. Setting kids up to think they'll learn something new about the Plan seems dishonest to me. Promising "blessings" also seems dishonest. It's an invisible carrot that will never have a name or shape. Bear your testimony about the blessings you have received because you understand the plan of salvation and live the principles of the gospel. Invent something. Anything. You can say something generic like that because of the temple your family is happier, or that because of the temple you know more about God's plan. Just say something. And cry a little bit. But whatever you do, don't make any hardline promises. We'd hate for these kids to have real expectations!

You may want to conclude by showing “Man’s Search for Happiness.” Linked above.

Temple prep - Preparing to Enter the House of the Lord

This month's issue of the New Era focuses on getting kids excited about taking out their temple endowment. How informative is this form of temple preparation? Text found here.

Smile when you think of the temple. OK! It is a place of power and blessing. Cool. I hope you explain this power and describe these blessings later on.

At a temple open house, I noticed some girls file behind their parents through the temple. They smiled as they found their reflections in brides’ room mirrors. Thrilled at the thought of fulfilling their role as wives and breeders no doubt. “Remember,” their grandmother whispered, “how special you are and how much Heavenly Father loves you.” Says you, Grandma. Heavenly Father's more of the silent type, if you haven't noticed. Each girl imagined the time when she would return to the temple as a woman of faith, with maturing loveliness and capacity, ready to fulfill her mission on the earth. "Maturing loveliness"? Really? You mean boobs and birthing hips? And "her mission on earth" is sexual reproduction, right? How dare you write so disgustingly about teenage girls? Boys who attended the open house also had glimpses of their future blessings and responsibilities. What blessings? What are you talking about? How did you get in these boys' heads exactly? How do you know they were contemplating their "future responsibilities"? And what are those responsibilities? Tithing? Fatherhood? What are you talking about?

What these children felt in the temple was right. You don't even know what they felt, dude. You assume you do. Heavenly Father wants to bless you. How? And why would the temple make that any easier? You do know he's God, right? God can kind of do what he wants. His greatest blessings come as you enter the temple to receive sacred ordinances and to make and keep sacred covenants. What are those blessings? Where does God ever discuss in scripture the nature of the temple and its blessings in detail? Let me tell you: the Old Testament. Do you know what ancient temple worship was like? I'll tell you: nothing like modern LDS temple worship. There was a lot of buying animals, killing them, putting their blood and guts on an alter, and burning incense to cover the smell of slaughter. You are responsible to prepare and be ready. I sure hope you tell us how to do this.

The temple is important in your life, especially when you’re young: “The young man needs his place in the temple even more than his father and his grandfather, who are steadied by a life of experience; and the young girl just entering life, needs the spirit, influence and direction that come from participation in the temple ordinances.”¹ Sure, if you say so. Can you explain why it's so much more important to the younger generations? I'm not getting it. If the temple ordinances are essential for everyone, how can they be more important for anyone? Begin now to prepare your heart and mind to be able to fully receive and understand these blessings. You already said this...

Receiving the Fulness of the Gospel  

"Fulness of the Gospel" refers to repentance and baptism (see 3 Ne. 11:40). The Book of Mormon is said to contain the "fulness of the Gospel" and it makes no reference to a dramatized temple play about Adam and Eve. The Book of Mormon also says the Bible contains the "fulness of the Gospel" and the Bible also lacks a description of our current LDS temple endowment. Let's be honest and stop pretending that Christ's gospel includes all the Mormon temple weirdness.

If you will prepare yourself to enter the temple, you will be “ready to receive the fulness of [His] gospel” in the temple (D&C 35:12; emphasis added). That verse says nothing about the temple endowment. The temple is a place of power and blessing. The pull quote from above! Let's see if you explain either the power or the blessings... The Lord instructed the Prophet Joseph Smith and the early Saints to gather to Kirtland, Ohio, USA, where they would eventually build a temple. Damn, looks like you preferred to skip the explanation. Oh well. On to the Kirtland temple... Are you insinuating that it was used the same way as today's temples? I hope not. It was more like a stake center and storehouse, and you probably know that. “There you shall be endowed with power from on high” (D&C 38:32; emphasis added). This revelation was given in 1831. When was the endowment introduced? Over a decade later shortly after Joseph Smith had become a Freemason. It's safe to say that the endowment of power mentioned in D&C 38 has nothing to do with the Freemasonry ceremonies the LDS Church later co-opted.

At a recent temple open house, an Apostle gathered his family around the holy altar in a sealing room. He taught them that everything we do in the Church—classes, activities, programs, and meetings—prepares us to come to the temple altar to receive the sealing ordinance. That's so true. Unfortunately for Mormons Jesus never taught it. The temple represents the very essence of your Heavenly Father’s plan for your eternal happiness and progression. If only that plan made any sense.

Preparing to Make Covenants with God

Your preparation to enter the temple and make covenants doesn’t happen quickly. The minimum requirement for an adult convert is a year. That's not very long. It began with your baptism and the confirming gift of the Holy Ghost and then grows with prayer, scripture study, obedience, and service. Actually faith and baptism is really all Jesus ever asked for. If someone does everything you've listed, Jesus would be thrilled. It invites cleanliness weekly as you participate in the sacrament. Partaking of the Lord's supper was about participating in the community of Christians (the body of Christ), not about preparing to dawn a bunch of robes and pretend you're Adam or Eve. It happens as you learn to seek forgiveness through repentance, as you keep standards, and as you worthily carry a limited-use temple recommend. Yes, keeping your Jr. membership card certainly keeps your eye focused on becoming a gold member card carrier. Youth programs will help you, but your preparation is personal; you are developing your worthiness, your testimony, your conversion. How can teens have a testimony of something they've never heard about in their lives? Tell them, please, what happens in the temple! The Savior’s Atonement applies to you personally. Non sequitur.

As you increase your level of spiritual maturity, you will desire to prepare for and enter the temple. Don't confuse maturity for increased gullibility, deeper financial investment and fear of non-conformity, sir. There you will receive ordinances and make covenants, which are necessary steps to draw closer to your Heavenly Father. Which ordinances? Which covenants? Can't you spell them out? Why don't the New Testament and Book of Mormon mention anything besides baptism? Temple ordinances are “the most exalted … ordinances that have been revealed to mankind.”² You mean revealed to the Freemasons in the late Middle Ages and stolen by Joseph Smith in the 1840s.

As you receive temple ordinances, you make solemn covenants with your Father only one time for yourself, and then you will strive to abide by them throughout your life. Holy cow, you actually kind of said something informative!! Kids, according to Mormon doctrine, you only have to go through once! Each time you enter the temple, you can feel of His Spirit and receive additional revelation and understanding while providing the necessary ordinances for others. What if we don't feel the spirit at all, let alone receive revelation? As for "others", why are we doing the work for people who's names have already gone through the temple many times before? You will understand and receive assurance of your eternal existence and the unending power of your covenants. I didn't. The temple made me feel very unsure of everything and made covenants feel cheap. If we were not eternal beings, the temple would have no significance. You don't know we are eternal. No one does. You may hope and believe we are, but you don't know. If you or anyone else wishes to disagree, please present your evidence. You enter the temple and make covenants because you will exist eternally and want to be with your Heavenly Father and your family in “never-ending happiness” (Mosiah 2:41). Heavenly Father is such a loving dad, right? This assurance grows in your own soul and is confirmed by the Holy Ghost. Unless it doesn't and isn't. What do you have to say to people who made every effort to experience this and didn't?

Being Worthy

The role of the Holy Ghost is real. He teaches you, purifies you, and conveys the Father’s love (see Romans 5:5). Does he?The Holy Spirit of Promise is the ratifying power of the Holy Ghost, which validates each covenant eternally. How bureaucratic.

In order to receive the Spirit, you must enter the temple clean and pure, free from any unforgiven transgression. Or else what? Your endowment doesn't count? Name one case of an unworthy person's presence being detected. Please explain what happens to the children and grandchildren of a someone who was unworthy at his or her sealing. Do you have answers to these kinds of questions or are you just trying to scare kids into conformity? If the adversary could succeed in any way to overcome you, it would be to keep you from the temple or to entice you to go there unworthily. Satan's very scary like that. What would happen should he succeed? Does the temple cave in on you? Let's lower the stakes now. What happens to the sacrament, for example, when it's blessed by teenage hands that have masturbated only hours before?

For this reason, you will be invited to sit in a personal interview with your bishop or branch president, to consider your worthiness and readiness to receive a recommend to enter the temple. These interviews are the worst, even for kids who have nothing to confess. Not only that, they shouldn't be allowed. Parents, do not let your teens be interviewed alone behind closed doors! Be honest and trust him to help you. Why trust him? He has no professional training. How do we know he's not jerking off like the rest of us? In reality, you are determining your own standing before the Lord (see D&C 109:24). Are you sure you cited the right verse? Yes, it used the word "standing" but that doesn't mean it backs up your point, which wasn't a bad one, by the way. I think it makes a lot of sense to cut out the middle man and take things into your own hands. You will sign your own recommend first. You are witnessing your worthiness before the Lord. ³ No, it's to the bishop and the temple ushers. They say God can see your whole heart and mind, so he wouldn't need to watch you sign your name, would he?

To be worthy does not mean you are perfect yet. It means that your heart is right, that you are living the commandments, and that you desire to be better each day. So if we feel our heart is in the right place (I felt that way), we're living the commandments (I was), and we desire to improve day to day (I certainly did) we can skip the interview? Of course not. God still needs to watch us sign our name for some reason.

Learning from Symbols

In the temple, as in the scriptures, the Lord teaches using symbols. You can find many symbols in the scriptures, such as the rock, the seed, the fruit, the tree of life, and the bread and water of the sacrament (see, for example, 1 Nephi 11; Alma 32; Helaman 5:12). Baptism by immersion symbolizes new life, rebirth, and cleanliness (see Romans 6:3–5). In the temple we all wear white, symbolizing purity, holiness, light, and equality. Wow! You just taught an actual symbol from the temple! Oh wait, that whole white=purity/holiness thing is from baptism (and baby blessings). Nothing new here.

Some symbols in the temple are both physical and spiritual. For example, wearing the garment is a physical daily reminder of the temple covenants and the promised blessings. If respected and honored, the garment protects us from temptations and unrighteous influences. Does it? So it's like a magic Satan shield? Say we're about to steal something, for example, will we suddenly think of our uncomfortable underwear and remember what it means? Never mind, I have a more important question: How is this different from the Gift of the Holy Ghost that we get at confirmation? Isn't he supposed to be prompting us and keeping us from evil all the time? So why in the world do we need garments or an awful script if they're doing the exact same thing?

Each of the temple ordinances is symbolic. And also literal, though. I was physically anointed with oil, brother. A man said the words and touched my naked body. That's literal. I also literally wore some ridiculous clothes on top of my ridiculous garments and was taught about the true robes of the Priesthood and the false Priesthood robes of Satan. It's not just symbolism. “In a sacred ceremony, an individual may be washed and anointed,”⁴ reminiscent of the kings and priests of ancient Israel being prepared to take their positions (see 1 Samuel 10:1; 16:13). Yeah, but we're also literally being anointed to become kings and priests, queens and priestesses to the most high. That's literal, not symbolic. That's why these ordinances are essential, right? The instruction and covenants in the endowment signify being clothed or invested with additional power and promises from God (see Luke 24:49). Please take a few paragraphs to lay out what we covenant in the temple. Also, this verse has nothing to do with the LDS temple, don't pretend it does. It's dishonest. Perhaps the most beautiful symbol is the sealing ordinance, in which a couple is united in an unbreakable bond which can last through all eternity. So is there a real "unbreakable bond" or is it just symbolic? Most Mormons tend to think they really truly are literally going to be with their families forever when they get sealed.

The promises in the temple are rich and noble. What are they? You still haven't told us. They are the “great favors” and “great blessings” (3 Nephi 10:18) that our Father has reserved for you personally. So I read the verse and it seems like you're implying that we'll personally see Jesus if we go to the temple. Is that what you're saying. You're being extremely vague yet tantalizingly suggestive. So smile when you think of the temple. Smile because we love mystery?

No matter your age, do whatever is necessary to be ready to receive the greatest blessings your Father in Heaven offers to you. And you think that those blessings are found in the enactment of a 2-hour Freemason-inspired dress rehearsal for the Celestial Kingdom? That would be nutty. Oh yeah, how come you haven't mentioned Freemasonry yet?? Trust how it felt when you were a child and sang, “I love to see the temple. I’m going there someday. … I’ll prepare myself while I am young. This is my sacred duty.”⁵ I felt a lot of things while singing Primary songs. Usually I felt anxious to get home and eat. Later in life I felt uncomfortable hearing children sing those songs. They felt brainwashy, especially "I Love to See the Temple". It can be true for you. Kent, I'm sorry to say this, but you're a shitty salesman. :(

Why Do We Build Temples?

“We must gain some feeling for why we build temples, and why the ordinances are required of us. "Feeling", not understanding? Thereafter we are continually instructed and enlightened on matters of spiritual importance. Do we take classes or have deep discussions in the temple? No, no we do not. It comes line upon line, precept upon precept, until we gain a fullness of light and knowledge. You mean until we see Jesus in the flesh? No, you mean we sit in silence and go through the endowment a bunch of times until we think we have it all figured out. We make up all the addition lines and invent all of the new precepts for ourselves because no one sets us straight. We remain tight-lipped about it all (because it's sacred) and then we die. This becomes a great protection to us—to each of us personally. … What "fullness of light and knowledge" becomes a "great protection"? You haven't explained it, you just insist on it.

“… No work is more spiritually refining. Jesus would very much disagree with you. Try feeding the hungry, clothing the naked and caring for the sick. No work we do gives us more power. This means nothing to your reader because you haven't explained the "power" is or why we need more of it. No work requires a higher standard of righteousness. Not even parenthood? You can be a parent without being endowed.

“Our labors in the temple cover us with a shield and a protection. … More empty words. Please explain yourself.

“… If we will enter into our covenants without reservation or apology, the Lord will protect us. Considering the fact that we almost all enter the temple without any real knowledge of what we'll be doing there, I think it's safe to say that essentially everyone enters without reservation or apology. So what is the Lord protecting us from? We will receive inspiration sufficient for the challenges of life. … This is not true. I received no inspiration that was worth a damn in the temple. None. Maybe I'm the exception...

“So come to the temple—come and claim your blessings.” What blessings? You keep making promises without saying what those promises are.

Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple (booklet, 2002), 37.

Key Points

• In the temple you receive ordinances essential to your salvation. Only baptism is essential. Read your scriptures.
• You must enter the temple clean and pure, free from any unforgiven transgression. Or else what?
• As in the scriptures, many of the teachings and ordinances in the temple are symbolic, allowing you to learn more and more each time you return to the temple. What happens when you run out of symbols? Or when all the symbols mean the same thing? What about all the literal stuff? You didn't really discuss that. In fact, you didn't really discuss anything. This whole article was nothing more than smoke and mirrors. May God have mercy on your dishonest soul.