Temple prep - Endowed from on High "Lesson 3"

I'm reading the Church Education System's manual for temple preparation and adding my two cents. Text found here. 

Objective

“And we ask thee, Holy Father, that thy servants may go forth from this house armed with thy power, and that thy name may be upon them, and thy glory be round about them” (D&C 109:22). God powers are the best! Let's go make some new animal species and some tornadoes!

To help class members understand that those who attend the temple worthily will receive great blessings from the Lord. I've been reading a lot about "blessings" in these temple prep materials. I hope this lesson gets into some concrete details. People should know what to expect in temporal in return for the temple attendance.

Preparation

1. Carefully review the scriptures used in this lesson so that you will be prepared to lead the class discussion about them. Naturally.
   
2. You may want to prepare to have class members sing a hymn about temple work, such as “We Love Thy House, O God” (Hymns, no. 247), or about the eternal nature of truth, such as “Oh Say, What Is Truth?” (Hymns, no. 272). Sounds brainwashy, but on theme.
   
3. If Family Home Evening Video Supplement 2 (53277) is available, you may want to show “Temples Are for Eternal Covenants,” a six-minute segment. Oh dear Lord, DO NOT SHOW THAT VIDEO! The sentimentality is laid on in extremely thick layers of Carpenters-esque song and enough '80s soft focus to make everyone will feel awkward as fuck. Gordon's talk at the end is more of the same empty temple rhetoric we've seen previously. Skip the film.
   

Lesson Presentation

Ask class members if they have any questions. About what? You haven't even introduced the topic yet and the first lesson was too safe to incite any kind of questions, so unless these kids have read something on their own (from the Internet, say) they won't have anything to ask. Take the time required to answer questions to the best of your ability and as guided by the Lord’s Spirit. OK, fine. Here's a question: Why did the Church change the initiation back in 2005? Don't we criticize early Christianity for changing baptism from immersion to sprinkling? Why would God condone the change from sitting naked and getting touched to sitting in garments and only having gestures of touching? I thought we were supposed to be washed and anointed BEFORE dawning the garment of the holy priesthood. Remember that some aspects of temple work must not be discussed outside the temple. Like not being touched naked while being washed? It's no longer part of the temple so we can talk about it, can't we?

Temple Work Has Existed Since Ancient Times

You may want to begin by singing together a hymn about temple work or about the eternal nature of truth. Then again, the temple LDS ceremonies as we now have them don't seem to be eternal in nature at all. They are not to be found in ancient cultures and they have not remained the same since Joseph Smith made them up in the mid-1840s. Teaching that they are unchanging truth is misleading.

Explain that the Lord has always commanded His people to build temples. Well, not "always". The first construction we consider a temple - the Israelite tabernacle - was commanded thousands of years after the creation of Adam and Eve. I'm also reluctant to accept that God has a "people" and that that people is the Israelite nation and Jews. He has revealed the work to be done in temples. It has a lot to do with killing animals and burning their fat and blood, two of God's favorite foods.

• What temples or tabernacles are mentioned in the scriptures? The Israelite tabernacle, Solomon's (First Temple) and Second temple (started under Cyrus the Great, embellished by Herod and destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE) are all from the Bible; The Book of Mormon mentions an early Solomon temple replica built by Nephi and another one (or is it the same one) shows up hundreds of years later in the land of Bountiful (but all this stuff has never been confirmed in the slightest by archeology or anthropological research); Doctrine & Covenants calls for the construction of the Kirtland and Nauvoo temples; The Pearl of Great Price only rehashes references to Second Temple as found in Matthew.

Invite class members to review scripture indexes to find references dealing with temples and tabernacles. What does this have to do with the blessings you receive from the temple? Is this list making taking us somewhere? You may want to list the class members’ answers on the chalkboard. Because it helps the students feel like they've contributed to the lesson. You may also want to have class members review the following scriptures:

Moses’ tabernacle: Exodus 40:1–2, 34–38

Solomon’s temple: 2 Chronicles 3:1–2; 2 Chronicles 5:1

Herod’s temple: Matthew 21:12–15

Nephite temples: 2 Nephi 5:16; Mosiah 1:18; 3 Nephi 11:1

Explain that because of apostasy, all of these temples eventually lost their true purposes and were destroyed. The true purpose being sacrificing animals to Jehovah so he can relish in the smell of burnt fat and blood. Temple work in its fulness has been restored in our day through the Prophet Joseph Smith, bringing great blessings into our lives. And through the Freemasons. Don't forget the Freemasons! And don't ignore the fact that Joseph did not restore animal sacrifice, so I guess he didn't really restore the "fulness" of previous temples at all. Are we going to list the "great blessings" the temple brings to us?

Elder Bruce R. McConkie said: “The inspired erection and proper use of temples is one of the great evidences of the divinity of the Lord’s work. But cathedrals, synagogues, megachurches, and other religious buildings of other religions do not obviously. Wait, is he talking about penises? … Where there are temples, with the spirit of revelation resting upon those who administer therein, there the Lord’s people will be found; where these are not, the Church and kingdom and the truth of heaven are not” (Mormon Doctrine, 2nd ed. [1966], 781). Now he's talking about people with penises, er... Priesthood. Well who cares what Bruce is talking about considering all the things he's said that sound a lot like bullshit. I'm pretty sure we don't need to listen to him. He was never the prophet anyway.

Those Who Attend the Temple Worthily Are Promised Great Blessings

The temple, or the house of the Lord, is the place where we go to prepare for exaltation in the celestial kingdom. Right, going out into the world healing the sick and feeding the hungry is horrible preparation. YOU NEED THE ROBES AND HANDSHAKES! There we learn more about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. That's debatable. You just learn a couple extra names. We make covenants with Them, and They promise wonderful blessings to us. What "wonderful blessings"? Do tell.

In the Doctrine and Covenants, the Lord has described some of the blessings that come to those who attend the temple and live worthy of the covenants made there. Some of these blessings are described in section 109, which is the prayer offered at the dedication of the Kirtland Temple. A prayer to God describes the blessings God will give us? Aren't prayers what we ask for and not necessarily what God will give us? The words of this prayer were given to Joseph Smith by revelation. Joseph, this is Almighty God. Here's what you need to say to me. I know it's weird I just need to hear it in your charming voice...

President Howard W. Hunter said that this prayer “continues to be answered upon us individually, upon us as families, and upon us as a people because of the priesthood power the Lord has given us to use in His holy temples” (“The Great Symbol of Our Membership,” Ensign, Oct. 1994, 4). If Howard said so it must be true!

President Hunter then quoted some of the verses from section 109. Ask the class members to read these verses: Doctrine and Covenants 109:10–12, 22–23, 59, 67, 72, 75. Ask them to look for the blessings mentioned by the Lord.

Following the reading, ask the class members to list the blessings they have identified. Let's just skip to where you these blessings are listed below... Write the comments on the chalkboard. The blessings mentioned may include the following:

1. The Lord’s glory will be upon His people. Sounds great, but what does this mean? Will we all be shining brighter than the noonday sun? Will our hair be as brilliant white flames? Will we be accompanied by hosts of angels singing our praises? What?
   
2. The Lord’s servants will leave the temple with the Lord’s power, name, and glory, and angels will have charge over them. What power is that? The power to make billions of spirit children? The power to descend from the sky in a pillar of fire and float in the air? What power are we talking about? Who of the endowed LDS community has shown any sign of having these god powers? As for his name, you don't have to go to the temple for it. It's Elohim. I'm still confused about what the "glory" of the Lord is supposed to mean here. What will the angels who have charge over us do? Are these guardian angels? Inspiring angels? Is it even an honor for angels to have charge over a human or is it more like an annoying babysitting duty?
   
3. The Lord’s servants will take the truth of the gospel from the temple to the ends of the earth. This is a blessing for us how? We've already got our new secret name, special secret underwear and know the True Order of Prayer. We're good to go. Isn't preaching to others more of a blessing to those "others" and not us?
   
4. Stakes will be organized so that the Lord’s people may be gathered. I can see how this is sort of a blessing. Having a supportive community definitely benefits our psychological health. That said, I can't see how going to the temple produces this blessing. You can't get a temple before you have a few stakes set up first, so what really produces the stake is getting people to come to church regularly in the first place and getting them to pay their tithing. Once the people are there and the money's in, you just might get a temple. The cause and effect here are backwards.
   
5. All of scattered Israel will learn the truth and rejoice. "Scattered Israel"? Oh please. The LDS Church has not been at all effective in finding scattered Israel. We're still adopting everyone into the tribe of Ephraim. The Church isn't very good about sharing the truth either. They only just opened up about one of Joseph's favorite magic peep stones. It took them 180 years to reveal that truth to the world.
   
6. The families of the Saints and all of their sick and afflicted will be remembered before the Lord. Remembered by not healed or succored. Notice that the rate of illness and recovery  for LDS people are comparable their neighbors' with similar diets and lifestyles.
   
7. The Lord’s kingdom will fill the whole earth. We talking about a temporal or spiritual kingdom? Does fill mean there are no gaps or does it mean you'll find a Mormon within a 500 mile radius regardless of where you drop a pin on the map (oceans excluded, of course)? So far the LDS Church does not own the whole world (just Utah and 2% of Florida) and only makes up about .2% of the earth's population. Looks like we had all better go to the temple a lot more!
   
8. The Lord’s servants will someday be caught up to meet the Lord and will be with Him forever. Ah yes, the rapture and the resurrection of the dead. That will be one disgusting and terrifying event of carrion and carnage. God can hardly wait.By the way, why didn't God have Joseph pray for the blessing of eternal families? Isn't that the kicker for Mormons these days?
   

“Yea, and my presence shall be [in my house], for I will come into it, and all the pure in heart that shall come into it shall see God” (D&C 97:16). I've never known anyone in all my life who has ever professed to have seen God in the temple, only a couple batty old women who claim they saw the spirit of some deceased person show up to thank them. I think this is a wonderful time to go back and listen to Tom Philips' description of his second anointing. It might also be a fine time to read what Dallin Oaks has to say about trying to be worthy of seeing Jesus.

• How do you feel when you consider these wonderful blessings promised to those who attend the temple worthily and honor their covenants? I feel like someone's trying to pull the wool over my eyes. I do. I feel like this is the typical sort of motivation to get all us jackasses chasing a carrot they'll never catch. I feel pleased with myself for no longer attending the temple. But let's keep in mind that feelings or just feelings.

President Howard W. Hunter said: “Has there ever been a people with such stirring and wonderful promises! Yes. No wonder the Lord desires that His followers point themselves toward His example and toward His temples” (Ensign, Oct. 1994, 5). Non sequitur.

The Lord also made promises connected with temples in Doctrine and Covenants 97. Ask the class members to read Doctrine and Covenants 97:15–21.

• What do verses 15–17 teach about what the Lord’s people must do to qualify for the Lord’s blessings in His temples? (Be pure in heart and not allow any unclean thing to come into the temples.) God wants to give you lots of shit but only if you've washed your hands. He hates putting shit in dirty hands, it takes the fun out of it.

Explain that those who are pure in heart are called Zion. Verses 15–21 teach that we can help to build Zion by worthily attending the temple and striving to be pure in heart and undefiled by evil. The part that especially helps build Zion is your tithing. Pay your tithing and give generous donations to the Church. God likes it like that. And stop kissing Satan's asshole! God hates that.

• What blessings are promised in these verses to a people worthy to be called Zion? They'll see the Lord grab a soda from the temple kitchen fridge or maybe catch him sneak from the bathroom to his bedroom post shower.

Explain that a city named Zion existed in ancient times. No it didn't. Joseph made it up for his completely bullshit "inspired translation" of the Bible. This city was built by the prophet Enoch and his people. It was taken to heaven because of the righteousness of its people (see D&C 38:4; Moses 7:18–21, 69). Beamed straight up into the anus of heaven!

Zion will also exist in the latter days. As a U.S. national park in southern Utah. In the tenth article of faith, the Lord promises that a city named Zion will be built on the American continent. In Missouri, right? Or is this what the Church has in mind in Florida? Ask the class members to read this article of faith. Explain that the scattered people of Israel will gather to this great city (see D&C 103:11–13). We just have to figure out who and where they are.

Today, the members of the Church are counseled to become worthy to attend the holy temple and to build up Zion wherever they are living in the world. How will that work? Will they all migrate to Zion, America with their various chunks of the city and fit them all together like a giant puzzle or something? Or do you mean that members everywhere need to learn how to be pure in heart so they can enter Zion after the LDS Church builds it somewhere? We are to make our homes like temples—places of purity, love, and personal revelation. If you're living in a motor home it will probably be easier for you to take your personal Zion to the real, though still undetermined Zion.

• What can we do to become more pure in heart? Sell all we have, give the money to the poor and live humble lives of service to others.
• In what ways does the world sometimes make it hard to remain pure in heart? The world presents us with endless opportunities to buy more and more cool shit and even more stuff that will isn't so cool and will definitely end up in the trash within a year or two.
• In what ways could you help your family, branch, or ward to become pure in heart? Encourage them to give up their giant homes, several cars, massive televisions, expensive recreational toys and live like Jesus did. Maybe we could turn our churches into hospitals, homeless shelters, free hostels for travelers or food distribution centers. We should probably stop developing so much land and start designating our properties as wildlife refuges or something.

Explain that those who make and keep temple covenants and strive throughout their lives to become pure in heart are those who can help to build Zion. It sounds like the ultimate temple blessing here is that you'll get to become another brick in the wall of Zion. "You'll be blessed to work for us!" It sounds like a scam.

Conclusion

Bear testimony that those who worthily attend the temple will receive great blessings from the Lord, including the blessings of being a Zion people. You can say anything at all here. Anything at all. Tell the students that because you went to the temple you were able to see an old woman out trying to find her dog, you stopped and helped her find it and now she's taking the discussions. Tell them that you were once worried about your child's health but then one day in the temple you met someone who is an expert at administering essential oils and now, thanks to that expertise, your child is healthy and happy. Tell them that because you go to the temple twice a month, the Church is now building a temple in your old mission area. You really can take any event you want and attribute it to either going or not going to the temple. We must do all that we can to become worthy of these blessings and to become pure in heart. Please reference the so called blessing discussed above. They're not as impressive as they sound.

You may want to show the video presentation “Temples Are for Eternal Covenants.” I repeat, DO NOT show this video (linked above). It is horrible and your students will resent it.

Temple Prep - "These Things Are Sacred"

The following text is taken from the pamphlet "Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple" (2002) and annotated by me.

A careful reading of the scriptures reveals that the Lord did not tell all things to all people. No kidding! A handful of patriarchs, a few Israelite prophets here and there, early Christians and now Mormons. The rest of the world got totally screwed and didn't even hear from him. What kind of father would be so inconsistent with his children? "Hey, I have some rules you all better learn to follow, but I'm not telling most of you what they are. Good luck!" From what you've said in one sentence I can already tell I don't like the Lord. There were some qualifications set that were prerequisite to receiving sacred information. Like what? Do explain. Temple ceremonies fall within this category. Says who? Please cite some authority figure (preferably God).

We do not discuss the temple ordinances outside the temples. No one discusses about the temple in the temple either. Fortunately plenty of people feel free to talk about it online. It was never intended that knowledge of these temple ceremonies would be limited to a select few who would be obliged to ensure that others never learn of them. It is quite the opposite, in fact. With great effort we urge every soul to qualify and prepare for the temple experience. Riiiiiight, Mormons are just the gatekeepers who sit and unrighteously judge others to be unworthy. Those who have been to the temple have been taught an ideal: Someday every living soul and every soul who has ever lived shall have the opportunity to hear the gospel and to accept or reject what the temple offers. Too bad the LDS temple wasn't part of Christ's practice - the Jewish temple was. If this opportunity is rejected, the rejection must be on the part of the individual. Why would God set up a system where the VAST MAJORITY of human beings would only hear about Jesus and the LDS temple after they die? It makes no sense.

The ordinances and ceremonies of the temple are simple. They're Masonic and designed to test one's memory. They are beautiful. Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. They are sacred. Not to the vast majority of people living on earth... They are kept confidential lest they be given to those who are unprepared. No, they're kept confidential because that's the tradition of the Masonic fraternity they come from. Curiosity is not a preparation. Isn't it at least a start? A seed to experiment upon? Deep interest itself is not a preparation. What if that deep interest has led to lots and lots of study? Preparation for the ordinances includes preliminary steps: faith, repentance, baptism, confirmation, worthiness, a maturity and dignity worthy of one who comes invited as a guest into the house of the Lord. Actually faith and baptism are what Jesus asked for, well, and that we give all our money to the poor and love our neighbors like we love ourselves.

We must be prepared before we go to the temple. You said that already. We must be worthy before we go to the temple. You said that too. There are restrictions and conditions set. You said that as well. They were established by the Lord and not by man. Show us where he made these restrictions. Maybe in the Handbook of Instruction Vol. 1? And, the Lord has every right and authority to direct that matters relating to the temple be kept sacred and confidential. I suppose he does, but is this a matter of legal rights? Couldn't we also argue that every man, woman and child has a right to know what God has up his sleeve?

All who are worthy and qualify in every way may enter the temple, there to be introduced to the sacred rites and ordinances. If we can be introduced to baptism before being baptized (including the exact wording of the prayer, the white jumpsuits and practice plugging our nose), why can we not be introduced to other ordinances before we do them?

Brought forth by the Gentiles

So The Book of Mormon contains a prophesy about how in due time it would come to light via the Gentiles, but we know that Joseph Smith Jr. was a pure Ephraimite. How is someone who is totally an Israelite a Gentile? Bruce McConkie tried to clear things up by pointing out that Joseph wasn't from the tribe of Judah, therefore he qualifies as a Gentile. But the line being drawn in these verses is between the House of Israel and Gentiles, not Jews and Gentiles. The Lehites also qualify as Gentiles if we take Bruce's explanation and the scripture hardly seems to allow for that.

Thankfully there are a lot of other unofficial explanations out there from our more doctrinally-inclined membership. What are we to understand? Whatever the hell we want, except that this prophesy doesn't make much sense. Doubt that doubt. Doubt that Joseph wrote something about himself as a Gentile because it felt good and important, then years later forgot the specifics of what he wrote, and finally came around to telling people we was an Israelite because it felt good and important. You'll straighten things out eventually.

Hebraisms in The Book of Mormon

Those doubters who would have you believe that Joseph Smith or some contemporary of his wrote The Book of Mormon have clearly not considered all of the Hebraisms in the text. If it wasn't written by Egyptian-writing Israelites, why are there indications that the English text Joseph translated came from a Hebrew-influenced source? The authenticity of The Book of Mormon is essentially proven thanks to literary and rhetorical devises typical in ancient Hebrew texts!

Who cares if those same literary and rhetorical devises can be found in literature from across the world and in different periods, including Jacobean England? Who cares if the translators responsible for the King James Bible created a widely dispersed and extremely popular English text based on Hebrew Old Testament writings? The KJT might have influenced other books that followed it, but not The Book of Mormon! I mean, how could it have? The Book of Mormon was compiled 1200 years before the KJT ever existed, right? 

Reading material.

The New Jerusalem

Are you ready to pack up and move to Jackson County, Missouri? Will you be willing to uproot everything when the prophet makes the call? It could happen any day now. These are the latter days, people!

Back when God revealed the location of New Jerusalem he made it clear that there was not time to waste.

"Yea, the word of the Lord concerning his church, established in the last days for the restoration of his people, as he has spoken by the mouth of his prophets, and for the gathering of his saints to stand upon Mount Zion, which shall be the city of New Jerusalem. Which city shall be built, beginning at the temple lot, which is appointed by the finger of the Lord, in the western boundaries of the State of Missouri, and dedicated by the hand of Joseph Smith, Jun., and others with whom the Lord was well pleased. Verily this is the word of the Lord, that the city New Jerusalem shall be built by the gathering of the saints, beginning at this place, even the place of the temple, which temple shall be reared in this generation. For verily this generation shall not all pass away until an house shall be built unto the Lord, and a cloud shall rest upon it, which cloud shall be even the glory of the Lord, which shall fill the house." (D&C 84:2-5, emphasis added)

"And in order that all things be prepared before you, observe the commandment which I have given concerning these things— Which saith, or teacheth, to purchase all the lands with money, which can be purchased for money, in the region round about the land which I have appointed to be the land of Zion, for the beginning of the gathering of my saints; All the land which can be purchased in Jackson county, and the counties round about, and leave the residue in mine hand." (D&C 101:69-71, emphasis added)

For those who don't know the story, the saints were driven out of Jackson and many generations have passed away without erecting New Jerusalem in the slightest (I'm sure God was very discouraged, but hopefully he's over it by now). Instead we built Zion in Salt Lake City and after a while just told people to stay put for the time being.

But Jackson County's still slated to be Zion, the New Jerusalem. That hasn't changed. Since the 1970s the LDS Church has been "purchas[ing] all the lands with money [...] which can be purchased with money," just like it says to do in D&C 101.

So why do I doubt this Jackson County-New Jerusalem thing? Is it because God was wrong when he said "verily this generation shall not pass away until an house shall be built unto the Lord" (D&C 84:5)? Is it because the Church seems so ho-hum about hastening the work? Is it because Missouri sucks? I mean, honestly, why would Jesus rule the entire world from Jackson County? It's weird.

Then again, is ruling the world from a throne build in rural America any weirder than ruling from Washington D.C. or London or Paris or Berlin or Moscow or Beijing or somewhere else? Jesus rules, he can do what he wants.

P.S. Goddammit people! Someone beat us to building building the New Jerusalem temple.

Believing blood

One of the stranger beliefs of Mormonism postulates that the more Hebrew blood you have the more receptive to the truth of the Gospel and authority of the LDS Church you will be. Apparently belief is genetic and the Hebrews hold the majority of shares when it comes to believing... that they're the awesomest, most chosenest people of God.

Even awesomer than believing in the truth because you've got a lot of Hebrew is that if you're of the tribe of Ephraim you won't rebel!

"And the rebellious shall be cut off out of the land of Zion, and shall be sent away, and shall not inherit the land. For, verily I say that the rebellious are not of the blood of Ephraim, wherefore they shall be plucked out." (D&C 64:35-36, emphasis added)

So Ephraim just might be the least rebellious of all the believers of Israel. Very cool stuff (even if it's total nonsense).

It really gives you a sense of what the world lost when the blood of Joseph Smith, a pure Ephraimite, a pure non-rebellious believing blood type, was spilled at Carthage. What a fucking waste of the "best blood of the nineteenth century" (D&C 135:6)!

Joseph Smith III, half Ephraimite, half Moggle.

What's worse is that obviously Emma contaminated that blood because otherwise Joseph Smith III would have surely reunited with the saints in Utah. If only we could once again breed the purest of believers...

The literal gathering

One of the most miraculous aspects of the literal gathering of Israel in these latter-days is that it's all done via adoption. I have no idea how adoption into the tribe of Ephraim can be called a literal gathering of people descended from the Northern Kingdom. I mean, if you're not a literal, blood descendent with Hewbrew DNA and you don't even know anyone who is literally descended from the Israelite tribe in question, how can you literally be gathering that tribe by self-appointing yourself a member of that tribe? It's literally got me all mixed up.

Mormons the Israelites

Here's an early doubt for you. According to the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith was a direct descendant of Joseph, the youngest son of Jacob who was sold into Egypt, and Brigham Young confirmed that our latter-day Joseph was "pure Ephraimite." This might lead one to believe that the British Isles were populated by the tribe of Ephraim, right? The Brits must be Hebrew at heart.

But they're not. Neither was the Smith family. The Book of Mormon prophesy was bullshit. DNA evidence proves that.

"Gryffindor! No, WAIT... Ephraim!!"

And yet Mormons continue to claim lineage to the tribe of Ephraim. Isn't that a bit arrogant? How do Mormons expect anyone to take them seriously when they start spouting off about being Ephraimite? Just don't get your hopes up for an Israeli duel citizenship.

Tribal hunting

Mormons believe in the "literal gathering of Israel ... and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes," according to the tenth Article of Faith.

The gathering and restoration project has to happen because in the 8th century BCE Assyria invaded Israel and carried off most of the Israelites. Amazingly enough, the Assyrians pretty much managed to capture every member of all of the tribes living in the Northern Kingdom: Asher, Dan, Ephraim, Gad, Issachar, Manasseh, Naphtali, Reuben, Simeon, and Zebulun. Members of Levi who were residing in the Northern Kingdom were also carried away, but other Levites were hanging out with the tribes of Judah and Benjamin in the Kingdom of Judah. Their separation is obviously a very bad thing and needs to be fixed.

This makes for a very exciting game of Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?, but with Israelite tribes instead of Carmen. 

Back when Joseph Smith wrote the Articles of Faith, much of the world was still an unknown. The tribes could have been hiding anywhere. Many settlers of the American continents believed the tribes would be there, but there was no need to completely exclude the nooks and crannies of Africa, the far reaches of Asia, the Down Under, and the many isles of the sea. The search was on.

Mormons have sent missionaries to every region of the world and have found converts among all peoples, and all we've found are a bunch of Josephites (Ephraim and Manasseh). In fact, the vast majority of Mormons have been assigned to the tribe of Ephraim. It's a little discouraging. Especially when we can't even keep track of the other Josephites. 

What's even more discouraging is that, even though many people claim to be the lost tribes, researchers who have sought out the Lost Tribes have found no trace of them anywhere. Where haven't we looked? How in the world can Israel hide from today's DNA analyses? It's like the whole Lost Tribe thing was just made up by some ignoramus in the 7th or 8th century CE. But don't lose hope. They'll show up some day soon!

Yahweh vs. other gods

Throughout the Old Testament Jehovah worries incessantly that his people will turn to other gods. As I made my way through the entire Bible for the first time it became increasingly clear that to Jehovah and the Israelites the gods of other nations were taken pretty seriously. Jehovah & Co. weren't so much about converting other people to the one true god as much as defeating the other gods and decimating their followers in a show of strength. A few quick examples of Jehovah out to annihilate might include Moses freeing the Israelites from the Egyptians, the Israelites taking over the land of Canaan, and the story of Elijah calling fire down from the sky to burn his offering.

The Elijah story's a little odd, if you ask me, because Jehovah and Elijah behave so badly. First Elijah insults the prophets of Baal, suggesting that Baal might be busy taking a shit because Baal isn't igniting the wood under their sacrifice. That's when Elijah gets showy and orders people to dowse his alter with water so it would be especially hard to light. And Jehovah's totally cool with this sort of braggart showmanship. He sends down his divine flame to consume the offering, and Elijah gathers all the prophets of Baal and kills them despite their recognition that Jehovah was the true god.

What the hell, right? What about baptizing people and accepting them into your midst after they have seen the truth of your words and have confessed belief in God?

Once again I found myself doubting my beliefs in Jehovah/Jesus the more I read the texts that were supposed to convince me.