Google "Joseph Smith's wives" or "Fanny Alger"

If you search for "Joseph Smith's wives" in Google, please take the time to scroll to the end of the names and pictures at the top. It looks something like this:

It would appear that Fanny's picture comes from my blog post about her. I got it from this AMAZING VIDEO. Amazing as it is, it's not entirely accurate. No angel with a drawn sword was needed to convince Joseph Smith to practice polygamy until the early 1840s, several years after he had hooked up with Fanny and a few others. That's right, it doesn't make sense and it's not the only thing about the sword story that doesn't make sense.

The doubters seem well pleased. Emma looks pissed.

I'm just happy to have helped make a slight difference in the world.

Greg Trimble's 11 Book of Mormon evidences

If you have Mormon friends on social media, chances are you've been presented with links to some pretty interesting Mormon logic. One post I've recently seen from a popular blog makes the case for The Book of Mormon in 11 poorly thought out proofs. The proofs are stated as questions and are the typical examples offered by general authorities of why The Book of Mormon is true which means they're the kinds of things you can say in church meetings to make yourself feel important and everyone else feel comfortable, but predictably they are not very convincing.

Here are the eleven questions that will prove the authenticity of The Book of Mormon and my brief responses.

1. Could an uneducated boy come up with 531 pages of ancient scripture on his own that was historically accurate and prophetic in nature?

Answer: Yes, absolutely. Please open your copy of the book to essentially any page that isn't copied almost verbatim from the King James Bible (that might be harder than it sounds). Now tell me how many verses you have to read before you find one that sounds like an uneducated young man (calling someone in his early 20s a "boy" is condescending and inaccurate) er-ing and um-ing a dictation from his head. Not many. Joseph Smith loaded his book so full of place keepers, redundancies, filler and slip ups that I'm amazed when I make it through a single verse without feeling the need to edit.

Keep in mind that this is how it reads even after the Church's editing of all the more egregious frontier farmer speech.

2. Would it be possible for that boy to understand and include ancient Hebrew literary writing styles such as idioms and Chiasmus, some of which weren’t even discovered until long after Joseph Smith was gone ?

Answer: Easily. He read the Bible a lot. He, like every other human being who reads, would absorb and reproduce the style of what he reads to some degree. As for chiasmus, it's an extremely common organizational tool that certainly appears in Jewish literature but is not in any way limited to it. I made a chiasmus on accident once, others are more carefully thought out. You can find chiasmus in children's literature as easily as you find it in adult literature from all over the world, European literature included. This just came to mind, maybe Jews wrote it:

(A) Hickory dickory dock! 
(B)/(C) The mouse went up the clock.
(C) The clock struck one,
(B) The mouse ran down.
(A) Hickory dickory dock!

And quit insisting Joseph was a "boy" when he wrote The Book of Mormon; he was a married man.

3. How would Joseph Smith have been able to know so much about the Middle East, especially the Arabian Peninsula where Lehi and his family traveled? The book includes findings in that region that no one had discovered yet.

Answer: The "knowledge" about the Middle East found in the Book of Mormon could have been derived from having been shown a map. What do you think has been discovered there after the printing of The Book of Mormon that was included in the text? The "NHM" alter? Come on, give us what you've got. Everything apologists have thrown out there has been debunked.

4. How could Joseph Smith come up with roughly 200 new names in the Book of Mormon and then have them turn out to be Semitic in nature?

Answer: He read the Bible a lot. He reused many of those names, modifying them as he saw fit. It wouldn't be hard to throw in a few more made up names that look similar to what's found in the Bible.

5. If you think Joseph Smith couldn’t have written this book, then where did it come from? If one says the devil put him up to it…then why would Satan want to publish another testament of Jesus Christ and a book that does nothing but promote righteousness. Jesus said that a house divided against itself would fall.

Answer: Only a moron would say the devil wrote or inspired the writing of The Book of Mormon. It's origins are clearly early 19th century publications and popular thought.

6. Who were the “other sheep” that would hear Jesus’s voice in John 10:16?

Answer: The "Gentiles", in other words, the non-Jews.

7. Why are there volumes of books written by non-LDS authors stating that Christ came and visited the America’s a couple thousand years ago just like it says in 3rd Nephi? (See Example “He Walked The America’s”) How would Joseph Smith have known this when at the time no one even considered it?

Answer: No one has a monopoly on stupidity, ethnocentrism and wishful thinking. The one book you linked us to is very revealing about yourself as a thinker.

8. If we have the stick of Judah (record of the Jews or the Bible), then where is the stick of Joseph that is referenced in Ezekiel 37:15-20? The Book of Mormon is the only explanation for this scripture. Lehi was a descendant of Joseph. Think Joseph Smith could have gotten that right by sheer chance?

Answer: This is a misinterpretation of the Bible.

9. How could there be so many witnesses of the Book of Mormon and the plates and not one of them deny their testimony even when some of them became bitter toward Joseph Smith? With so many people involved…a hoax of this magnitude could never go uncovered.
 
Answer: People do and say all sorts of things for friendship, family and their reputation. Historian Dan Vogel has some presented some important information for you to consider.

10. How could the Book of Mormon never contradict itself while being an extremely complex book? After all these years…someone would have found something…but no.

Answer: The Book of Mormon is relatively straight forward in its narrative. It basically just tells the same story over and over again. The repetition is numbing, not profound. Despite the simplicity of the repeated narrative, contradictions and errors have in fact been found (you just have to be brave enough to read something other than LDS apologetic literature). It also contradicts known archealogy, natural history, and the history of religious and political thought; it contradicts other Mormon scripture; it contradicts current LDS beliefs (e.g. temporary suffering in hell vs. eternal suffering and the nature of the Godhead).

Even though The Book of Mormon isn't horribly riddled with internal contradictions, why does that somehow make it true? Many authors manage to avoid totally screwing up their stories, does that mean their books are true? Absolutely not.

11. How do I feel while I read the Book of Mormon? Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t trust your feelings. We are spiritual beings, and if we can’t trust our feelings, then what do we have? Over and over again in the Old and New Testament we’re told that we can trust that “still small voice” to guide us in our decisions. (1 Kings 19:12) I can write evidence after evidence to back up the Book of Mormon but each of those evidences I found were only secondary to the whispering of the Spirit I felt that day before I began waxing up my surf board.

Answer: Epistemology is a tricky thing. You're insisting that emotions are all we have. That's an unfortunate move on your part because we have a lot more than that: we have other senses to work with and we have logic. But if you're going to insist on feelings let's look at your feelings. Let's say you wake up from a dream about your wife cheating on you and you feel hurt and angry. You can't look at her the same for weeks. Did she really cheat on you? Are your feelings reliable? And what about others' feelings? Why do you seem so willing to disregard anyone's feelings and impressions that don't align with your own? What makes you think yours are the only true ones when members of essentially every other religion will use the same evidence as proof of their religion being true?

P.S. I wrote this blog immediately after reading the questions. The answers were too easy. I then went back to the blog to read the comments and saw that several people had written their responses as well. Several were similar to my own but I definitely encourage others to read through them.

Hiding history

 
The media are reporting a celebration of a new era of LDS Church transparency with the release of The Joseph Smith Papers and, more recently, the printer's copy of The Book of Mormon. I can't disagree that the move to transparency is a good thing in that it's the most honest thing for the Church to do, but in the midst of all the celebrating I feel as though a lot of members are choosing to ignore what's to be celebrated. We're not celebrating new scripture, new revelations or even new propaganda for the missionaries to hand out. We're celebrating an end of the Church's suppression of information in one very specific area - it's early historical documents.
 
The two most infamous examples of previous attempts on behalf of the Church to keep historical information away from members include the Mark Hofmann forgeries and, earlier still, Joseph Fielding Smith's hiding of Joseph Smith’s 1832 version of the First Vision. Joseph Fielding had first discovered it in the First Presidency vault in Joseph Smith's personal letter book, freaked out about it enough to tear it out and hide the pages in his personal safe until he was pressured to release them in 1965. How messed up is that?

I'll admit I can't imagine what incentive he might have to share the first written version of the First Vision (it doesn't match well with the 1838 version), but his behavior is still alarming to me. Sure, it shows Joseph Fielding's lack of integrity, but it also shows just how fearful he was that the LDS house of cards would fall.

Now the Church is announcing via the Ensign and Liahona that Joseph Smith read magically appearing words on a stone in a hat and that that particular stone had nothing to do with an ancient Moroni, but that instead it has everything to do with a young Joseph Smith pretending he could see lost and buried objects (like gold). It's been 180 years and the general membership is only going to hear about it now (if they actually read the Liahona). Avoidance and denial add up to secrecy and deception in my brain.

Temple prep - Endowed from on High "Lesson 7"

I'm reading the Church Education System's manual for temple preparation and adding my two cents. Text found here.

Objective

“For behold, I have accepted this house, and my name shall be here; and I will manifest myself to my people in mercy in this house” (D&C 110:7). When was the last time someone claimed to have seen Jesus in the temple? When was the last time a sane and honest person saw JC in the temple?

To follow up on the class members’ first visits to the temple and help them prepare to enjoy the temple throughout their lives. This should be the best lesson of the series. Finally the students have some actual experience to base their knowledge off of instead of the cryptic BS they've been pretending to understand. Now we can finally talk for real about the temple.

Preparation

1. Be prepared to make this lesson a time of sharing. Most class members will want to discuss their first visit to the temple. They'll also feel a fair amount of pressure to only say positive things and will likely be more than a little nervous to speak their minds freely.
   
2. Assign a class member to be prepared to read Doctrine and Covenants 110:1–10 and share his or her feelings about it. I know theses thoughts are meant to be shared later, but I'll go ahead and write them here. First off, holy shit! Jesus sounds both very scary and also pretty fucking cool! Secondly, I'm kind of bummed I didn't see Jesus in the temple and more bummed I didn't see anyone who seemed to be seeing him or even conversing with angels. Thirdly, I have no idea where Jesus would even be hanging out in the temple for us to see. Maybe in the Celestial Room smoking a pipe by the fireplace. I don't know. Finally, I think temples totally have made Mormons famous all over the world, unfortunately it's also made them infamous thanks to LDS practices of baptizing people for the dead that the living don't want baptized.
   
3. Assign a class member to summarize the information about Elijah presented in Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple, pages 23–24. In a nutshell, Elijah the prophet keeps coming back from the dead to wave his priesthood fingers about and turn all of our hearts to our fathers. This usually happens in mid-June in the United States. Thanks, Elijah! See you next year!
   
4. Prepare to answer questions that may have arisen during the first visit to the temple, but do not discuss questions or information that should be reserved for discussion in the temple itself. Can we talk about what the True Order of Prayer? That shit was WEIRD! But also, if that's the true order then why the hell are we taught to kneel on the ground, fold our arms, bow our heads and close our eyes? Should we be teaching little kids to raise their hands in the air and lower them saying "Oh God, here the words of my mouth!"? Where such questions exist, encourage individuals to plan additional visits to the temple. Where in the temple would students be expected to talk about the taboo subjects of temple worship? The temple president's office? I really don't know the answer.
   

Lesson Presentation

Ask class members if they have any questions. I have a question! When you went through the temple did they still have an evil Protestant minister helping Satan deceive the children of man? Is it not ironic in light of the fact that the LDS Church is very much a product of the Reformation? What? Those questions are no longer relevant because the Protestant minister has been edited out? OK, well can you explain why women are covenanting to their husbands rather than to the Lord like the men do? Can you explain why we need a new name to give at the veil? Where do these new names come from anyway? Take the time required to answer questions to the best of your ability and as guided by the Lord’s Spirit. The Lord's spirit will be the only guidance you can hope for because the Church isn't giving you anything to work from. Remember that some aspects of temple work must not be discussed outside the temple. I think the only things we promised to never reveal are our new names and the bizarre succession of Masonic signs and tokens, right? Why can't we talk about them again? Don't say it's because they're sacred. We talk about lots of sacred things like baptism, testimony moments, motherhood, the Atonement, the Plan... Don't we think everything in Mormon doctrine is sacred?

Maintaining a Love for Temple Service

• How did you feel when you were in the temple? Nervous. I knew less about what I was supposed to do than I anticipated. I felt like I was being cornered sometimes.

Explain that temple service will bring continuing blessings into the lives of those who go often to the temple. "Continued blessings"? What the hell are you talking about? Tell the class members that while their experience in the temple is still fresh in their minds, they may want to write their feelings about it in their journals. So they can laugh at their own ignorance later on in life. Remind them that although they may record their feelings, they should not write about some details of temple work, which are not to be discussed outside the temple. What are they not allowed to write exactly? Is it not strange that you're trying to censor their journals?

• What can you do to maintain a love for temple service throughout your life? If you stay in the Church long enough you'll automatically become an obsessive old temple goer. Temple "work" is one of the only entertainment options for old Mormons. It's either the temple or the megaplex. Either way you're watching a movie. You might find yourself loving it earlier if you become a parent and you start convincing yourself that your child needs to have an "eternal marriage".

Write the class members’ ideas on the chalkboard. You may also want to present the following ideas:

1. Ponder the temple experience each day. And couple that pondering with some reading material.

Explain that some people have more opportunities to visit the temple than others. But once we have been to the temple and felt the Spirit there, we should take the opportunity each day to ponder the temple ceremonies and reflect upon the covenants we have made. If you rarely or barely feel the Spirit in the temple, you should also ponder that. You're probably just a sinner, but there's also a chance that the temple isn't what it claims to be. Doing this will encourage us each day to think and act in more righteous ways. But not more ethically.

We will not be able to remember everything about the temple, but we should try to remember as much as possible after each visit. Or you can just hop online and look up whatever it is you've forgotten. We should also study the scriptures and words of the prophets about the temple. They don't say much that's substantial. Some of these have been presented in this course. And you remember how hollow those words were, don't you?

You may want to have a class member summarize the following statement, found on page 10 in Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple:

“The temple ceremony will not be fully understood at first experience. It will be only partly understood. Largely because we will not teach you what you need to understand it, nor will we tell you who understands it fully, and don't even dream of finding someone to sit down with who will even try to explain it fully. Saying you understand the temple completely is a form of Mormon heresy. Return again and again and again. And keeping finding "symbols" for yourself so you feel smarter. Return to learn. Things that have troubled you or things that have been puzzling or things that have been mysterious will become known to you. Are you admitting that the temple can trouble people? Can you give an example of something troubling? Why would the temple, a place where we are discouraged from talking and where there are no lectures or classes, be a better place to answer questions than say a Sunday School lesson, where we get to bounce ideas off each other with the supposed help of the Spirit? …

“When you have the opportunity to attend an endowment session in the temple or to witness a sealing, ponder the deeper meaning of what you see demonstrated before you. What deeper meaning? There doesn't even have to be one, you just have to make us believe there is one? And in the days following your visit keep these things on your mind; quietly and prayerfully review them and you will find that your knowledge will increase. The best review involves gently touching your silky garment symbols over and over.

“One of the great values of the temple experience is that it presents the broad, sweeping panorama of God’s purposes relating to this earth. Once we have been through the temple (and we can return and refresh our memories) the events of life fit into the scheme of things. We can see in perspective where we are, and we can quickly see when we are off course.” You don't have to build multi-million dollar temples to see this. Just do a Google search for the "plan of salvation" and print of one of the images that pop up. It's very cheap and easy.

2. Remember that the center of all temple worship is the Savior, Jesus Christ. Is it? I always felt that it was our self-importance and impatience to become gods.

The scriptures teach that an important reason for building temples is so “that the Son of Man might have a place to manifest himself to his people” (D&C 109:5). And yet he's just not popping in very often, is he? The symbols and rituals of the temple help to focus our attention on the Savior. To be completely honest, imagining Eve naked behind a bush distracted me a little...

Explain that the Savior did manifest Himself in the Kirtland Temple. That was the first and last time he did anyone that favor. He appeared to Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery to accept the temple as His house. Uh, I have my doubts. This visit is recorded in Doctrine and Covenants 110:1–10. Ask the assigned class member to read and comment on this passage. I put my comments on these verses at the beginning of the post.

• What blessings did the Savior promise to those who build and attend temples? Health in the navel, marrow in the bones... no, wait! That's something else. OK, he said he show up in mercy (wouldn't it be weird for a guy who's already affectionately paid for your sins show up and punish you for being a sinner?), and that he'd pour out "blessings". Thanks for the "blessings", Lord!

In the Temple, Families Are Sealed Together for Eternity

Ask the class members to read Malachi 4:5–6.

Ask the assigned class member to summarize the information about Elijah found in Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple, pages 23–24. I summarized this above.

Explain that Elijah has returned and restored the priesthood keys that allow families to be sealed together in temples for eternity. Don't ask me why Peter, the dude to whom Jesus supposedly gave the power to seal, did give Joseph those "keys" years earlier when he allegedly dropped out of heaven with his pals James and John and bestowed the Melchizedek priesthood upon him.

Have the class members review Doctrine and Covenants 110:13–16. This is the scripture where Elias shows up with his Greek name tag and then shows up again with his Hebrew name tag and is mistaken for a different person. Great story. :S Then ask a class member to read the following statement, found on page 28 in Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple:

“From that very day, April 3, 1836, the hearts of the children began to turn to their fathers. Before that, all children hated their fathers and never thought of them, especially not to help them. Thereafter ordinances were not tentative, but permanent. Baptism was tentative before 1836? Ordination to the Priesthood was tentative!! Are you serious? The sealing power was with us. Rest easy, kids, this highly suspicious story Joseph Smith told means we've got the most powerful magic of any religion. You're in the right place! No authorization transcends it in value. So never ever under any circumstance take seriously what other religions say they have to offer. That power gives substance and eternal permanence to all ordinances performed with proper authority for both the living and the dead.” You'll feel it, brothers and sisters. It will feel low key. Almost anticlimactic. Kind of like the awesomeness of it all was in what was said, not so much in what was done and what happened afterward. What I'm saying is don't expect to see the Lord or anything amazing like that. Keep your expectations to a minimum.

The Savior described the sealing power when He spoke to His Apostle Peter, as recorded in Matthew 16:19. This verse is so strange. If Peter had pronounced chocolate ice cream to be eternally in all celestial freezers, would God have respected that? Does the New Testament give us any idea if Peter actually used this special power at all? Have the class members read this verse.

Explain that these same keys are held today by the prophet and President of the Church. You should see the incredible Lego sets that Tommy Monson has bound on earth and in heaven! “That sacred sealing power is with the Church now. How it works is if you're lucky enough to be a man, you can get sealed to numerous women, and if you're a woman who divorces or is widowed and want to get sealed to a new husband, you can't. Nothing is regarded with more sacred contemplation by those who know the significance of this authority. Which doesn't exactly explain why Heber Kimball said he took no more thought about taking another wife than he did about getting another cow. Nothing is more closely held. Well, except for penises. Those get held pretty darn tightly. There are relatively few men who hold this sealing power upon the earth at any given time—in each temple are brethren who have been given the sealing power. They are among our most special and unique sorcerers. No one can get it except from the prophet, seer, and revelator and President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or from those he has delegated to give it to others” Seriously, these sealing sorcerers are pretty close to the top of the pig pile. (Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple, 24, 26).

Explain that the sealing ordinances include the sealing of a husband and wife to each other and the sealing of parents to children. That's right, kids, sealings are no longer just about polygamy! When parents are sealed in the temple, the children born to them are born in the covenant of their parents’ sealing and do not need to be sealed to their parents. But the Lord does require paperwork from everyone else. Sorry.

• How do you think being sealed together in the temple might affect the daily thoughts and actions of a family? It definitely gives a false sense of security and contributes to some pretty smug attitudes toward those families who haven't been sealed.
• What blessings do you think would come to a family because of their temple sealing? Earthy blessings? None. I thought the deal was they'd get to be together after they die.

President Gordon B. Hinckley said: “Was there ever a man who truly loved a woman, or a woman who truly loved a man, who did not pray that their relationship might continue beyond the grave? Yes. Has a child ever been buried by parents who did not long for the assurance that their loved one would again be theirs in a world to come? Unfortunately, yes. Can anyone believing in eternal life doubt that the God of heaven would grant his sons and daughters that most precious attribute of life, the love that finds its most meaningful expression in family relationships? Yes, easily. No, reason demands that the family relationship shall continue after death. You'll have to explain your reasoning I'm afraid. The human heart longs for it, and the God of heaven has revealed a way whereby it may be secured. What if this is just an emotionally immature desire that only mere mortals suffer from? Why would a God who knows everything, can be everywhere and is the definition of love not be entirely satisfied with his relationship to his creation (children included) at all times regardless of where their physical presence my be? The sacred ordinances of the house of the Lord provide for it” You're selling a solution to a problem that doesn't exist. (“Why These Temples?” Temples of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints [1988], 4).

Temples Give Us Opportunities to Serve Those Who Have Died

Have the class members read Obadiah 1:21. That's one trippy script, brother! I'm sure you'll make it mean whatever you want it to mean.

The Prophet Joseph Smith explained how members of the Church can become saviors on Mount Zion:

“But how are [the Saints] to become saviors on Mount Zion? By giving Joseph - ahem! the Church... a lot of money and fee labor? By building their temples, erecting their baptismal fonts, and going forth and receiving all the ordinances, baptisms, confirmations, washings, anointings, ordinations and sealing powers upon their heads, in behalf of all their progenitors who are dead, and redeem them that they may come forth in the first resurrection and be exalted to thrones of glory with them; and herein is the chain that binds the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the children to the fathers, which fulfills the mission of Elijah” (History of the Church, 6:184). Sounds like a lot of work for something that isn't even necessary.

“This vicarious work performed in our temples must be carried forth in the same spirit of selfless devotion and sacrifice that characterized the life of the Master” (President Thomas S. Monson). I'm 100% sure that Jesus never asked for this sort of "service" once in the Gospels. Jesus wanted our efforts directed 100% at worshiping the Father through service to the living. 

Explain that as part of His plan of salvation, our Heavenly Father has prepared a way for those who died without receiving the saving ordinances of the gospel to receive these ordinances. It's not a very effective way, so in the end you find yourself questioning God's judgement. The people in the spirit world have the opportunity to hear the gospel. I'm amazed they'd even have to wait for an opportunity to hear the gospel. It seems like once you pass through the veil your memory of the War in Heaven would return and you'd know exactly where you are and what went wrong. They can accept it there, but they cannot receive the ordinances of the gospel for themselves. Because why? The Lord has commanded us to perform these ordinances for them in holy temples. Kind of. Joseph got people going on vicarious baptisms way before baptismal fonts were part of temples. I guess that baptisms for the dead in rivers and lakes really pissed the Lord off. We should make special efforts to do family history work so we can receive ordinances in behalf of our own ancestors. Should we though? I think our energies could be directed toward the living. Imagine if instead of spending 2.5 hours in the temple, Mormons went out and helped in nursing homes or tutored in schools and libraries or cleaned up trash or helped in community vegetable gardens. 

 

Ordinances for the dead performed in temples include baptisms, confirmations, ordinations to the priesthood, endowments, and sealings of husband to wife and parents to children.

We should return to the temple as often as our circumstances permit so that we can serve those who have died by performing ordinances for them. The temples are recycling names these days because they have more people going through than they have new names of the dead. Many names are irretrievable. Let's focus instead on the real work that needs to be done and leave this "work" for the dead for the Millennium. We will bless the lives of those we serve and bless our own lives as well. You don't see the irony in what you said, do you? You're talking about "blessing the lives" of the dead... Information about how to do family history work and perform ordinances for our ancestors is provided in A Member’s Guide to Temple and Family History Work. Now get busy!

President Thomas S. Monson said:

“An appreciation for the temple endowment and the sealing ordinances will bring the members of our families closer together and there will be quickened within each family member a desire to make available these same blessings to our loved ones who have gone beyond. Most people my age can't be bothered. They've got way too much to do with work and children. I think this urgency is more likely to hit once you're old and retired. …

“This vicarious work performed in our temples must be carried forth in the same spirit of selfless devotion and sacrifice that characterized the life of the Master. Just don't think too hard about how the Master focused on the living and never told people to save their dead ancestors by being baptized for them. When we remember him, it becomes easier for us to do our individual parts in this vital work. Only if you remember him in a certain way, a way that makes you believe vicarious ordinances for the dead were somehow his idea. Each time we gaze upon one of these holy houses, may we be reminded of the eternal opportunities which are found inside, not only for ourselves, but for our dead” (Pathways to Perfection [1973], 206–7). Every time you look at a temple you should be thinking about how one day you and all your family could live together in a cloudy community of Gods on a crystal planet. How's that for motivation?

Conclusion

Emphasize that temple attendance allows us to serve others and to continue to gain greater spiritual knowledge. Probably the greatest service you're doing in the temple is keeping elderly people company. The second greatest service is that you're providing jobs for temple cleaners, cafeteria workers and laundry cleaners. Share the following statement:

“No work is more of a protection to this Church than temple work and the genealogical research which supports it. No work is more spiritually refining. What? How does genealogical work protect the Church? By giving it a research organ that actually does credible work unlike the moronic apologists over at BYU and FAIR? No work we do gives us more power. Relax. Accept that you're a mortal like the rest of us. No work requires a higher standard of righteousness. … Keep fanning our self-righteous ego! It feels so good!

“If we will accept the revelation concerning temple ordinance work, if we will enter into our covenants without reservation or apology, the Lord will protect us. Protect us from what? What the hell are you talking about? What are you so afraid of? We will receive inspiration sufficient for the challenges of life. That sounds like minimal inspiration, which is definitely what I got during my years of activity. …

“So come to the temple—come and claim your blessings. They're the unspecific blessings we'll work the whole rest of our lives trying to identify. It is a sacred work” (Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple, 37). It is what you want it to be, I guess. I actually dared to want something otherworldly and beautiful. What I got was human and mundane. I doubted my doubts, but I could only delude myself for so long before letting it go.

End the lesson by sharing testimonies. I'd like to bear my testimony that the LDS temple is not a restoration of ancient ceremony ordain and demanded by Heavenly Father. From what I see, the temple is the product of Joseph Smith trying to impress his followers with something bigger and more complicated than he had previously shown them. It's the result of a religious hack trying to outdo himself. I say this in the name of honest contemplation and historical evidence. Amen. Encourage the class members to return often to the temple so that they can be taught by the Spirit of the Lord. Isn't this what's supposed to be happening in church on Sundays? Why would regular church services be unable to reach this goal of being taught be the Spirit?

You may want to mention that the class members may be able to obtain from Church distribution centers and view at home the video presentation Mountain of the Lord. This 73-minute presentation tells the story of the building of the Salt Lake Temple. It's just more propaganda. You can skip it, like this whole lesson.

Temple prep - Endowed from on High "Lesson 3"

I'm reading the Church Education System's manual for temple preparation and adding my two cents. Text found here. 

Objective

“And we ask thee, Holy Father, that thy servants may go forth from this house armed with thy power, and that thy name may be upon them, and thy glory be round about them” (D&C 109:22). God powers are the best! Let's go make some new animal species and some tornadoes!

To help class members understand that those who attend the temple worthily will receive great blessings from the Lord. I've been reading a lot about "blessings" in these temple prep materials. I hope this lesson gets into some concrete details. People should know what to expect in temporal in return for the temple attendance.

Preparation

1. Carefully review the scriptures used in this lesson so that you will be prepared to lead the class discussion about them. Naturally.
   
2. You may want to prepare to have class members sing a hymn about temple work, such as “We Love Thy House, O God” (Hymns, no. 247), or about the eternal nature of truth, such as “Oh Say, What Is Truth?” (Hymns, no. 272). Sounds brainwashy, but on theme.
   
3. If Family Home Evening Video Supplement 2 (53277) is available, you may want to show “Temples Are for Eternal Covenants,” a six-minute segment. Oh dear Lord, DO NOT SHOW THAT VIDEO! The sentimentality is laid on in extremely thick layers of Carpenters-esque song and enough '80s soft focus to make everyone will feel awkward as fuck. Gordon's talk at the end is more of the same empty temple rhetoric we've seen previously. Skip the film.
   

Lesson Presentation

Ask class members if they have any questions. About what? You haven't even introduced the topic yet and the first lesson was too safe to incite any kind of questions, so unless these kids have read something on their own (from the Internet, say) they won't have anything to ask. Take the time required to answer questions to the best of your ability and as guided by the Lord’s Spirit. OK, fine. Here's a question: Why did the Church change the initiation back in 2005? Don't we criticize early Christianity for changing baptism from immersion to sprinkling? Why would God condone the change from sitting naked and getting touched to sitting in garments and only having gestures of touching? I thought we were supposed to be washed and anointed BEFORE dawning the garment of the holy priesthood. Remember that some aspects of temple work must not be discussed outside the temple. Like not being touched naked while being washed? It's no longer part of the temple so we can talk about it, can't we?

Temple Work Has Existed Since Ancient Times

You may want to begin by singing together a hymn about temple work or about the eternal nature of truth. Then again, the temple LDS ceremonies as we now have them don't seem to be eternal in nature at all. They are not to be found in ancient cultures and they have not remained the same since Joseph Smith made them up in the mid-1840s. Teaching that they are unchanging truth is misleading.

Explain that the Lord has always commanded His people to build temples. Well, not "always". The first construction we consider a temple - the Israelite tabernacle - was commanded thousands of years after the creation of Adam and Eve. I'm also reluctant to accept that God has a "people" and that that people is the Israelite nation and Jews. He has revealed the work to be done in temples. It has a lot to do with killing animals and burning their fat and blood, two of God's favorite foods.

• What temples or tabernacles are mentioned in the scriptures? The Israelite tabernacle, Solomon's (First Temple) and Second temple (started under Cyrus the Great, embellished by Herod and destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE) are all from the Bible; The Book of Mormon mentions an early Solomon temple replica built by Nephi and another one (or is it the same one) shows up hundreds of years later in the land of Bountiful (but all this stuff has never been confirmed in the slightest by archeology or anthropological research); Doctrine & Covenants calls for the construction of the Kirtland and Nauvoo temples; The Pearl of Great Price only rehashes references to Second Temple as found in Matthew.

Invite class members to review scripture indexes to find references dealing with temples and tabernacles. What does this have to do with the blessings you receive from the temple? Is this list making taking us somewhere? You may want to list the class members’ answers on the chalkboard. Because it helps the students feel like they've contributed to the lesson. You may also want to have class members review the following scriptures:

Moses’ tabernacle: Exodus 40:1–2, 34–38

Solomon’s temple: 2 Chronicles 3:1–2; 2 Chronicles 5:1

Herod’s temple: Matthew 21:12–15

Nephite temples: 2 Nephi 5:16; Mosiah 1:18; 3 Nephi 11:1

Explain that because of apostasy, all of these temples eventually lost their true purposes and were destroyed. The true purpose being sacrificing animals to Jehovah so he can relish in the smell of burnt fat and blood. Temple work in its fulness has been restored in our day through the Prophet Joseph Smith, bringing great blessings into our lives. And through the Freemasons. Don't forget the Freemasons! And don't ignore the fact that Joseph did not restore animal sacrifice, so I guess he didn't really restore the "fulness" of previous temples at all. Are we going to list the "great blessings" the temple brings to us?

Elder Bruce R. McConkie said: “The inspired erection and proper use of temples is one of the great evidences of the divinity of the Lord’s work. But cathedrals, synagogues, megachurches, and other religious buildings of other religions do not obviously. Wait, is he talking about penises? … Where there are temples, with the spirit of revelation resting upon those who administer therein, there the Lord’s people will be found; where these are not, the Church and kingdom and the truth of heaven are not” (Mormon Doctrine, 2nd ed. [1966], 781). Now he's talking about people with penises, er... Priesthood. Well who cares what Bruce is talking about considering all the things he's said that sound a lot like bullshit. I'm pretty sure we don't need to listen to him. He was never the prophet anyway.

Those Who Attend the Temple Worthily Are Promised Great Blessings

The temple, or the house of the Lord, is the place where we go to prepare for exaltation in the celestial kingdom. Right, going out into the world healing the sick and feeding the hungry is horrible preparation. YOU NEED THE ROBES AND HANDSHAKES! There we learn more about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. That's debatable. You just learn a couple extra names. We make covenants with Them, and They promise wonderful blessings to us. What "wonderful blessings"? Do tell.

In the Doctrine and Covenants, the Lord has described some of the blessings that come to those who attend the temple and live worthy of the covenants made there. Some of these blessings are described in section 109, which is the prayer offered at the dedication of the Kirtland Temple. A prayer to God describes the blessings God will give us? Aren't prayers what we ask for and not necessarily what God will give us? The words of this prayer were given to Joseph Smith by revelation. Joseph, this is Almighty God. Here's what you need to say to me. I know it's weird I just need to hear it in your charming voice...

President Howard W. Hunter said that this prayer “continues to be answered upon us individually, upon us as families, and upon us as a people because of the priesthood power the Lord has given us to use in His holy temples” (“The Great Symbol of Our Membership,” Ensign, Oct. 1994, 4). If Howard said so it must be true!

President Hunter then quoted some of the verses from section 109. Ask the class members to read these verses: Doctrine and Covenants 109:10–12, 22–23, 59, 67, 72, 75. Ask them to look for the blessings mentioned by the Lord.

Following the reading, ask the class members to list the blessings they have identified. Let's just skip to where you these blessings are listed below... Write the comments on the chalkboard. The blessings mentioned may include the following:

1. The Lord’s glory will be upon His people. Sounds great, but what does this mean? Will we all be shining brighter than the noonday sun? Will our hair be as brilliant white flames? Will we be accompanied by hosts of angels singing our praises? What?
   
2. The Lord’s servants will leave the temple with the Lord’s power, name, and glory, and angels will have charge over them. What power is that? The power to make billions of spirit children? The power to descend from the sky in a pillar of fire and float in the air? What power are we talking about? Who of the endowed LDS community has shown any sign of having these god powers? As for his name, you don't have to go to the temple for it. It's Elohim. I'm still confused about what the "glory" of the Lord is supposed to mean here. What will the angels who have charge over us do? Are these guardian angels? Inspiring angels? Is it even an honor for angels to have charge over a human or is it more like an annoying babysitting duty?
   
3. The Lord’s servants will take the truth of the gospel from the temple to the ends of the earth. This is a blessing for us how? We've already got our new secret name, special secret underwear and know the True Order of Prayer. We're good to go. Isn't preaching to others more of a blessing to those "others" and not us?
   
4. Stakes will be organized so that the Lord’s people may be gathered. I can see how this is sort of a blessing. Having a supportive community definitely benefits our psychological health. That said, I can't see how going to the temple produces this blessing. You can't get a temple before you have a few stakes set up first, so what really produces the stake is getting people to come to church regularly in the first place and getting them to pay their tithing. Once the people are there and the money's in, you just might get a temple. The cause and effect here are backwards.
   
5. All of scattered Israel will learn the truth and rejoice. "Scattered Israel"? Oh please. The LDS Church has not been at all effective in finding scattered Israel. We're still adopting everyone into the tribe of Ephraim. The Church isn't very good about sharing the truth either. They only just opened up about one of Joseph's favorite magic peep stones. It took them 180 years to reveal that truth to the world.
   
6. The families of the Saints and all of their sick and afflicted will be remembered before the Lord. Remembered by not healed or succored. Notice that the rate of illness and recovery  for LDS people are comparable their neighbors' with similar diets and lifestyles.
   
7. The Lord’s kingdom will fill the whole earth. We talking about a temporal or spiritual kingdom? Does fill mean there are no gaps or does it mean you'll find a Mormon within a 500 mile radius regardless of where you drop a pin on the map (oceans excluded, of course)? So far the LDS Church does not own the whole world (just Utah and 2% of Florida) and only makes up about .2% of the earth's population. Looks like we had all better go to the temple a lot more!
   
8. The Lord’s servants will someday be caught up to meet the Lord and will be with Him forever. Ah yes, the rapture and the resurrection of the dead. That will be one disgusting and terrifying event of carrion and carnage. God can hardly wait.By the way, why didn't God have Joseph pray for the blessing of eternal families? Isn't that the kicker for Mormons these days?
   

“Yea, and my presence shall be [in my house], for I will come into it, and all the pure in heart that shall come into it shall see God” (D&C 97:16). I've never known anyone in all my life who has ever professed to have seen God in the temple, only a couple batty old women who claim they saw the spirit of some deceased person show up to thank them. I think this is a wonderful time to go back and listen to Tom Philips' description of his second anointing. It might also be a fine time to read what Dallin Oaks has to say about trying to be worthy of seeing Jesus.

• How do you feel when you consider these wonderful blessings promised to those who attend the temple worthily and honor their covenants? I feel like someone's trying to pull the wool over my eyes. I do. I feel like this is the typical sort of motivation to get all us jackasses chasing a carrot they'll never catch. I feel pleased with myself for no longer attending the temple. But let's keep in mind that feelings or just feelings.

President Howard W. Hunter said: “Has there ever been a people with such stirring and wonderful promises! Yes. No wonder the Lord desires that His followers point themselves toward His example and toward His temples” (Ensign, Oct. 1994, 5). Non sequitur.

The Lord also made promises connected with temples in Doctrine and Covenants 97. Ask the class members to read Doctrine and Covenants 97:15–21.

• What do verses 15–17 teach about what the Lord’s people must do to qualify for the Lord’s blessings in His temples? (Be pure in heart and not allow any unclean thing to come into the temples.) God wants to give you lots of shit but only if you've washed your hands. He hates putting shit in dirty hands, it takes the fun out of it.

Explain that those who are pure in heart are called Zion. Verses 15–21 teach that we can help to build Zion by worthily attending the temple and striving to be pure in heart and undefiled by evil. The part that especially helps build Zion is your tithing. Pay your tithing and give generous donations to the Church. God likes it like that. And stop kissing Satan's asshole! God hates that.

• What blessings are promised in these verses to a people worthy to be called Zion? They'll see the Lord grab a soda from the temple kitchen fridge or maybe catch him sneak from the bathroom to his bedroom post shower.

Explain that a city named Zion existed in ancient times. No it didn't. Joseph made it up for his completely bullshit "inspired translation" of the Bible. This city was built by the prophet Enoch and his people. It was taken to heaven because of the righteousness of its people (see D&C 38:4; Moses 7:18–21, 69). Beamed straight up into the anus of heaven!

Zion will also exist in the latter days. As a U.S. national park in southern Utah. In the tenth article of faith, the Lord promises that a city named Zion will be built on the American continent. In Missouri, right? Or is this what the Church has in mind in Florida? Ask the class members to read this article of faith. Explain that the scattered people of Israel will gather to this great city (see D&C 103:11–13). We just have to figure out who and where they are.

Today, the members of the Church are counseled to become worthy to attend the holy temple and to build up Zion wherever they are living in the world. How will that work? Will they all migrate to Zion, America with their various chunks of the city and fit them all together like a giant puzzle or something? Or do you mean that members everywhere need to learn how to be pure in heart so they can enter Zion after the LDS Church builds it somewhere? We are to make our homes like temples—places of purity, love, and personal revelation. If you're living in a motor home it will probably be easier for you to take your personal Zion to the real, though still undetermined Zion.

• What can we do to become more pure in heart? Sell all we have, give the money to the poor and live humble lives of service to others.
• In what ways does the world sometimes make it hard to remain pure in heart? The world presents us with endless opportunities to buy more and more cool shit and even more stuff that will isn't so cool and will definitely end up in the trash within a year or two.
• In what ways could you help your family, branch, or ward to become pure in heart? Encourage them to give up their giant homes, several cars, massive televisions, expensive recreational toys and live like Jesus did. Maybe we could turn our churches into hospitals, homeless shelters, free hostels for travelers or food distribution centers. We should probably stop developing so much land and start designating our properties as wildlife refuges or something.

Explain that those who make and keep temple covenants and strive throughout their lives to become pure in heart are those who can help to build Zion. It sounds like the ultimate temple blessing here is that you'll get to become another brick in the wall of Zion. "You'll be blessed to work for us!" It sounds like a scam.

Conclusion

Bear testimony that those who worthily attend the temple will receive great blessings from the Lord, including the blessings of being a Zion people. You can say anything at all here. Anything at all. Tell the students that because you went to the temple you were able to see an old woman out trying to find her dog, you stopped and helped her find it and now she's taking the discussions. Tell them that you were once worried about your child's health but then one day in the temple you met someone who is an expert at administering essential oils and now, thanks to that expertise, your child is healthy and happy. Tell them that because you go to the temple twice a month, the Church is now building a temple in your old mission area. You really can take any event you want and attribute it to either going or not going to the temple. We must do all that we can to become worthy of these blessings and to become pure in heart. Please reference the so called blessing discussed above. They're not as impressive as they sound.

You may want to show the video presentation “Temples Are for Eternal Covenants.” I repeat, DO NOT show this video (linked above). It is horrible and your students will resent it.

Temple prep - "Sacred Covenants"

The following text is taken from the pamphlet "Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple" (2002) and annotated by me.

The Lord in the revelation now known as section 132 of the Doctrine and Covenants announces:

For behold, I reveal unto you a new and an everlasting covenant; and if ye abide not that covenant, then are ye damned; for no one can reject this covenant and be permitted to enter into my glory.

For all who will have a blessing at my hands shall abide the law which was appointed for that blessing, and the conditions thereof, as were instituted from before the foundation of the world. (D&C 132:4–5.) This is the section Joseph "received" justifying polygamy. The new and everlasting covenant is unequivocally plural marriage. This is also the section that threatens Emma with death if she doesn't let Joseph marry the women he's already married and marry even more that he hasn't yet married.

President Joseph Fielding Smith defines the new and everlasting covenant in these words:

What is the new and everlasting covenant? I just told everyone, sorry. I regret to say that there are some members of the Church who are misled and misinformed in regard to what the new and everlasting covenant really is. Totally! Many believe it's eternal marriage. The new and everlasting covenant is the sum total of all gospel covenants and obligations. Huh? You know you didn't really say what it is, right? For those of you who missed it above, the new and everlasting covenant is heaven sanctioned polygyny. (Joseph Fielding Smith, Doctrines of Salvation, 3 vols. [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1954–56], 1:156; hereafter cited as Doctrines of Salvation.)

This covenant includes all ordinances of the gospel—the highest of which are performed in the temple. To quote President Smith again:

Now there is a clear-cut definition in detail of the new and everlasting covenant. Let's hear the clear-cut version now... It is everything—the fulness of the gospel. That's not very clear. You've just muddled everything into one. It's almost as if you haven't read Section 132. So marriage properly performed, baptism, ordination to the priesthood, everything else—every contract, every obligation, every performance that pertains to the gospel of Jesus Christ, which is sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise according to his law here given, is a part of the new and everlasting covenant. Once again, that is not the definition the Lord gave in Section 132. I think you're probably trying really hard to downplay the importance of polygamy to early Mormonism. (Doctrines of Salvation, 1:158.)

In the verse quoted previously (Doctrine and Covenants 132:4) the Lord spoke with unmistakable plainness: “… for no one can reject this covenant and be permitted to enter into my glory.” Right. The purpose of this revelation was to force Emma into accepting her husband's sleeping around. Emma however had the good sense to burn the revelation when Hyrum brought it to her (because Joseph didn't have the balls to bring it to her himself).

Those who go to the temple have the privilege of taking upon themselves specific covenants and obligations relative to their exaltation and that of others. Please tell us all exactly what these covenants are. It would be really awkward to drag someone to the temple dress them all up and sit them down for the movie and leave them completely ignorant of the promises they're there to make. Elder James E. Talmage wrote:

The ordinances of the endowment embody certain obligations on the part of the individual, such as covenant and promise to observe the law of strict virtue and chastity, to be charitable, benevolent, tolerant and pure; to devote both talent and material means to the spread of truth and the uplifting of the race; to maintain devotion to the cause of truth; and to seek in every way to contribute to the great preparation that the earth may be made ready to receive her King,—the Lord Jesus Christ. Thank you very much for the list, I just have a question for you: how are these not covered in the baptismal covenants? I think they're already covered, bro. With the taking of each covenant and the assuming of each obligation a promised blessing is pronounced, contingent upon the faithful observance of the conditions. What blessings? Tell us. Actually maybe I'll just take a moment to list them for everyone. The gods promise they "will provide a Savior for you, whereby you may come back into our presence, and with us partake of Eternal Life and exaltation". Part of this partaking of "Eternal Life and exaltation" includes "the day... when you will be... Kings and Queens, Priests and Priestesses" in heaven. It sounds impressive, doesn't it? (The House of the Lord, page 100.)

We covenant with the Lord to devote our time, talents, and means to His kingdom. Meaning what? All of our time, talents and wealth, or just 10%? Do I need to make the LDS Church the sole benefactor in my will? Can you be a little more clear?

We are a covenant people. We covenant to give of our resources in time and money and talent—all we are and all we possess—to the interest of the kingdom of God upon the earth. So I should rewrite my will. In simple terms, we covenant to do good. "Good" according to the Church means "help the Church". "Good" according to Jesus means helping the sick, hungry and downtrodden. We are a covenant people, and the temple is the center of our covenants. The covenant center, if you will. Those meeting houses where we're required to renew our baptismal covenants every week? Not so central. It is the source of the covenant. You might have been thinking Jesus was the source, but he's not. The temples that we make (and only ours, mind you) are a magnificent fountain spewing forth covenants upon the world.

Come to the temple. Don't tell me what to do! You ought to come to the temple. If you want to see the hidden side of Mormonism, then you really ought to. Here, acting as proxy for someone who has gone beyond the veil, you will have reviewed before you the covenants that you have made. This is actually the only way for you to review because the Church won't give you the text to study unless you're one of the actors in the drama. You will have reinforced in your mind the great spiritual blessings that are associated with the house of the Lord. Those blessing (eternal life with God) are what we're promised at baptism though, so feel free to stop at baptism (if you believe in that sort of thing).

Be faithful to the covenants and ordinances of the gospel. Give the Church EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT and DON'T TELL ANYONE your secret name or passwords and shit! Qualify for those sacred ordinances step by step as you move through life. Don't we have to qualify before we go to the temple? Isn't that what all the interviews were about? Honor the covenants connected with them. Or be prepared to excuse yourself from the endowment when they ask if anyone wants to leave. Don't be nervous - no one ever dares leave. Do this and you will be happy. Unless you're still deeply unsatisfied with things.

Your lives will then be in order—all things lined up in proper sequence, in proper ranks, in proper rows. We have to rank something and put stuff in rows? What? Is this a military analogy? Your family will be linked in an order that can never be broken. On second thought it can still be broken, like in the case of temple divorce, deceased family potentially rejecting the temple ordinances done on earth, living family members abandoning ship, future family members choosing not to do the Mormon thing, or someone like Joseph Smith being sealed to your wife and thereby eternally inheriting all your kids.

In the covenants and ordinances center the blessings that you may claim in the holy temple. No, the blessings mentioned in the temple, with the exception of "protection" thanks to garment wearing, are blessings you can only receive after death. Surely the Lord is pleased when we are worthy of the title: A keeper of the covenants. You know what? I'm not at all sure he is.

Temple prep - "'We Saw the Lord'"

The following text is taken from the pamphlet "Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple" (2002) and annotated by me.

The day of the return of Elijah was a Sunday afternoon, April 3, 1836. A sacrament meeting had been held in the Kirtland Temple. Right, because the concept of the temple was more like a stake center or cathedral, not a Freemason temple. The Prophet described that afternoon in these simple terms:

In the afternoon, I assisted the other Presidents in distributing the Lord’s Supper to the Church, receiving it from the Twelve, whose privilege it was to officiate at the sacred desk this day. After having performed this service to my brethren, I retired to the pulpit, the veils being dropped, and bowed myself, with Oliver Cowdery, in solemn and silent prayer. After rising from prayer, the following vision was opened to both of us. (D&C 110, introduction.)

The veil was taken from our minds, and the eyes of our understanding were opened. So this is all imaginary...

We saw the Lord standing upon the breastwork of the pulpit, before us; and under his feet was a paved work of pure gold, in color like amber. You know where else Joseph saw visions of gold? In a hat.

His eyes were as a flame of fire; the hair of his head was white like the pure snow; his countenance shone above the brightness of the sun; and his voice was as the sound of the rushing of great waters, even the voice of Jehovah, saying: This is sounds like one very horrifying acid trip.

I am the first and the last; I am he who liveth, I am he who was slain; I am your advocate with the Father. Lord, are you really going to run through all your titles?

Behold, your sins are forgiven you; you are clean before me; therefore, lift up your heads and rejoice. Yay!

Let the hearts of your brethren rejoice, and let the hearts of all my people rejoice, who have, with their might, built this house to my name.

For behold, I have accepted this house, and my name shall be here; and I will manifest myself to my people in mercy in this house. You're not pissed that they didn't built it by a beach or a lakeside resort, Lord? There's not even a patio for your sun chair.

Yea, I will appear unto my servants, and speak unto them with mine own voice, if my people will keep my commandments, and do not pollute this holy house. Is this where Mormons get the misguided idea that the prophet sees and hears the Lord? Who was the last prophet who said he saw Jesus in the temple?

Yea the hearts of thousands and tens of thousands shall greatly rejoice in consequence of the blessings which shall be poured out, and the endowment with which my servants have been endowed in this house. Tens of thousands? Proportionally to the world's population, that not very impressive.

And the fame of this house shall spread to foreign lands; and this is the beginning of the blessing which shall be poured out upon the heads of my people. Even so. Amen. The fame of the Kirtland temple is known abroad only to members and they have been given a whitewashed and embellished version of its history and meaning.

After this vision closed, the heavens were again opened unto us; and Moses appeared before us, and committed unto us the keys of the gathering of Israel from the four parts of the earth, and the leading of the ten tribes from the land of the north. Ah, yes, the 10 tribes!

After this, Elias appeared, and committed the dispensation of the gospel of Abraham, saying that in us and our seed all generations after us should be blessed. The "gospel of Abraham"? Is that the gospel where you circumcise yourself, your sons and all other males in your household?

After this vision had closed, another great and glorious vision burst upon us; for Elijah the prophet, who was taken to heaven without tasting death, stood before us, and said: WHOA! Hang on a sec. You made a big booboo, Joseph. I think we can safely say you're pulling this vision out of your ass.

Behold, the time has fully come, which was spoken of by the mouth of Malachi—testifying that he [Elijah] should be sent, before the great and dreadful day of the Lord come—

To turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the children to the fathers, lest the whole earth be smitten with a curse—

Therefore, the keys of this dispensation are committed into your hands; and by this ye may know that the great and dreadful day of the Lord is near, even at the doors. (D&C 110:1–16.) I can't wait for the day of the Lord. That's Sunday, right?

I saw Jesus in the temple. He was so beautiful.

It had happened! This signal event went unheeded by the world, but it would influence the destiny of every soul who has ever lived or will live. In the words of Ken Ham, WERE YOU THERE? How do you know this happened? The story appears grossly fabricated. Things began quietly to happen. What things?! The Church became a temple-building church. The Church is definitely not quiet about its temple building! It is very quiet about how the purpose of temples has drastically changed and even quieter about how the ordinances continue to change today.

In the world there emerged here and there, in a way thought to be spontaneous, people and organizations and societies interested in tracing genealogies. This happened thanks to John Farmer's efforts in the more heavily populated New England area throughout the 1820s, not Joseph Smith receiving "keys" in on of America's sparsely populated frontier towns in the mid-1830s. This has all taken place since the appearance of Elijah in the Kirtland Temple. Or do you mean Elias? Please reread my comments above.

From that very day, April 3, 1836, the hearts of the children began to turn to their fathers. Before that, all children hated their fathers and never thought of them, especially not to help them. Thereafter ordinances were not tentative, but permanent. Baptism was tentative before 1836? Ordination to the Priesthood was tentative!! Are you serious? The sealing power was with us. Rest easy, kids, this highly suspicious story Joseph Smith told means we've got the most powerful magic of any religion. You're in the right place! No authorization transcends it in value. So never ever under any circumstance take seriously what other religions say they have to offer. That power gives substance and eternal permanence to all ordinances performed with proper authority for both the living and the dead. You'll feel it, brothers and sisters. It will feel low key. Almost anticlimactic. Kind of like the awesomeness of it all was in what was said, not so much in what was done and what happened afterward. What I'm saying is don't expect to see the Lord or anything amazing like that. Keep your expectations to a minimum.