Google "Joseph Smith's wives" or "Fanny Alger"

If you search for "Joseph Smith's wives" in Google, please take the time to scroll to the end of the names and pictures at the top. It looks something like this:

It would appear that Fanny's picture comes from my blog post about her. I got it from this AMAZING VIDEO. Amazing as it is, it's not entirely accurate. No angel with a drawn sword was needed to convince Joseph Smith to practice polygamy until the early 1840s, several years after he had hooked up with Fanny and a few others. That's right, it doesn't make sense and it's not the only thing about the sword story that doesn't make sense.

The doubters seem well pleased. Emma looks pissed.

I'm just happy to have helped make a slight difference in the world.

Temple prep - Endowed from on High "Lesson 2"

I'm reading the Church Education System's manual for temple preparation and adding my two cents. Text found here.

Objective

“It would be the deepest desire of my heart to have every member of the Church be temple worthy. Probably because that would mean they've all professed faith in you as a prophet, Howard, and that they're all paying full membership fees. I would hope that every adult member would be worthy of—and carry—a current temple recommend” Maybe in the Millennium. (President Howard W. Hunter).

To help class members understand that they must be worthy to enter the temple. If the students of this course haven't been hearing the call to worthiness at this point in their lives as Mormons, what makes you think they'll hear it now?

Preparation

1. Well in advance of this lesson, invite the bishop or branch president to present information about the process of obtaining a temple recommend. Make sure everyone understands that he will ask them each privately, behind closed doors if they ever think about sex or masturbate in any way. Suggested material for this presentation is provided on pages 10–11 in the section “The Process of Obtaining a Temple Recommend Is a Blessing.” With a title like that I might just have to give it a read! Talk about selling bullshit as blessings! If the bishop is not available, you could ask one of his counselors to make the presentation. Counselors will also ask you about self-arousal if given the chance.
   
2. Write the following quotation on the chalkboard or a poster: “I invite all members of the Church to live with ever more attention to the life and example of the Lord Jesus Christ” Jesus never ever masturbated, but he loved to sit teens down and ask if they have. (President Howard W. Hunter, in Conference Report, Oct. 1994, 7; or Ensign, Nov. 1994, 8).
   

Lesson Presentation

Ask class members if they have any questions. About what? You haven't even introduced the topic yet and the first lesson was too safe to incite any kind of questions, so unless these kids have read something on their own (from the Internet, say) they won't have anything to ask. Take the time required to answer questions to the best of your ability and as guided by the Lord’s Spirit. Here's a question: What are the temple penalties I keep hearing about online? Remember that some aspects of temple work must not be discussed outside the temple. Like abolished oaths? They're no longer part of the temple so we can talk about them, can't we?

Explain that those who enter the temple must show their faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ by living the gospel and keeping the commandments. Like everyone has to do before they're baptized or when they take the sacrament? I'm not sure these kids will feel very informed by this information. They must be morally clean, pay a full tithing, obey the Word of Wisdom, keep the Sabbath day holy, and strive to live righteously in all other ways. In other words, no sex in thought or deed, you're paying your full financial dues, you only drink caffeine in the form of energy drinks and sodas, you do whatever your parents tell you is enough to "keep the Sabbath day holy", and you're generally a very sweet person who probably never curses. They must also be interviewed by the bishop or branch president and the stake or mission president and be found worthy to receive a temple recommend. These leaders have a special sixth sense that allows them to see into your soul and discern whether you're being honest with them. It's very spiritual. Don't be nervous. This lesson will review some of the gospel principles and commandments that the class members must be living in order to worthily attend the temple. The one's listed above, right? Let's do this!

Moral Cleanliness

Explain that the Lord and His prophets have repeatedly taught the great importance of being morally clean. Don't worry, I've already covered it! President Gordon B. Hinckley taught: “We believe in chastity before marriage and total fidelity after marriage. That sums it up. Does it? What about couples who like to watch porn together or husbands who rape their wives? In both cases the partners are still being faithful but I seriously doubt the Church approves of either. That is the way to happiness in living. Except for those people who find happiness in polyamory, like Joseph Smith, Brigham Young and so many others. That is the way to satisfaction. Not that you would know, Gordon. You probably didn't get a hard on until you were kneeling across from Marjorie at the temple alter. It brings peace to the heart and peace to the home” At least to your heart and home. (in Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 68; or Ensign, Nov. 1996, 49).

Read together the following scriptures:

Doctrine and Covenants 42:22–24 (The Lord has commanded us to love our spouse and not to seek after anyone else; He has commanded us not to commit adultery.) The crazy think is that Joseph, the man who received this "revelation", went behind his wife's back numerous times! Emma never approved of one of his polygamous marriages before it actually happened and only approved of a couple for a very short time. That's why Joseph came up with Section 132 to threaten her with "destruction".

Doctrine and Covenants 121:45 (The Lord has commanded us to “let virtue garnish [our] thoughts unceasingly.”) Looking at the context, the term "virtue" here probably doesn't mean abstinence from sex, but more likely "good things in general".

1 Timothy 4:12 (We are to be examples of purity.) Looking at context again, it looks like "purity" probably isn't specifically referencing virginity or abstinance, but a more general freedom form sin or blemish.

1 Nephi 10:21 (No unclean thing can dwell with God.) God's very understanding about how flawed his children are. He's an awesome dad like that.

Articles of Faith 1:13 (We believe in being chaste and virtuous.) Let's not conflate chastity with virtue, please. Hey, at least you finally got one that definitely addresses sex, even if it's pretty vague.

• Why does the Lord place so much emphasis on moral cleanliness? We'll find out in the next life. Until then we can only guess. I'm guessing he doesn't like sloppy seconds.
• What are some of the results of immorality that we can see in the world around us? Girls getting raped at parties! Boys, unless she give her full consent, it's a "no"! Keep it in your pants, fuckwads! What are some of the blessings of living a morally clean life? No STDs and no surprise pregnancies! Do those count as blessings or just watching your ass?

Direct class members’ attention to the quotation you have written on the chalkboard or a poster (see the “Preparation” section in this lesson).

• How can this counsel help us and our children to resist worldly temptations and live morally clean lives? Well if we do what Jesus did and live the way he asked us to, we'll live as vagrants without money which means we won't be materialistic assholes. We'll be free of all the consumerist trash we collect and discard into the oceans and landfills. We will leave the world a cleaner place than if we had followed the temptations to spend all our money on ourselves.

 

Tithing

Ask the class members to read Doctrine and Covenants 119:4.

Point out that the First Presidency has given the following explanation of a proper tithe: “The simplest statement we know of is the statement of the Lord himself, namely, that the members of the Church should pay ‘one-tenth of all their interest annually,’ which is understood to mean income” (First Presidency letter, 19 Mar. 1970). Gross or net? Should we also explain that the commandment to tithe came after a failed commandment to live by the United Order? Tithing funds are used to build meetinghouses and temples, to sustain missionary work, and to build the kingdom of God on earth. By investing in malls, ranches, farms, apartments and many other forms of real estate! Grow, kingdom, grow!

Share the following statement by President James E. Faust:

“Tithing is a principle that is fundamental to the personal happiness and well-being of the Church members worldwide, both rich and poor. But please try to be rich. Tithing is a principle of sacrifice and a key to the opening of the windows of heaven. … Members of the Church who do not tithe do not lose their membership; they only lose blessings” Don't miss out on the "blessings! (in Conference Report, Oct. 1998, 73–74; or Ensign, Nov. 1998, 58–59).

Review with class members the following scriptures:

Leviticus 27:30 (Tithing is the Lord’s; it is holy unto the Lord.) God needs your money. Believe that!

Malachi 3:8–11 (We rob God when we withhold our tithes; God will abundantly bless those who pay tithing.) God owns your money! Never doubt that. He'll give it back in blessings. Truly.

• What blessings have you received because you have paid tithing? Make something up. Anything. Say you had no money but went grocery shopping anyway and without even asking you the person in front of you paid for everything. God loves seeing you tragically desperate, it's true, but he loves giving you crazy ass stories to share with other Mormons too.
• Why are we robbing God when we withhold our tithing? (See D&C 104:14.) Um, because he already owns everything! Duh! Feel free to will all your properties to the Church when you die, by the way.

Explain that each year members are asked to meet with their bishop or branch president in tithing settlement and declare to him whether they pay a full tithing. This is not a matter that stays between you and the Lord. We're going to check up on this shit. This meeting is an opportunity for members to evaluate how well they are fulfilling this important commandment. Without this meeting you'd never think about it even though we talk about it in church almost every week if not every meeting.

The Word of Wisdom

Explain that before we may enter the temple, the Lord expects us to be free of practices that make our lives unclean and unhealthy, both spiritually and physically. You really need to cut sugar out of your diet, kids. And stop popping your zits.

Read parts or all of the following scriptures:

1 Corinthians 3:16–17 (Our bodies are temples of God and should not be defiled.) You don't want to be destroyed do you? Well God will fucking destroy you if you mess with his temple (aka your body)!

Doctrine and Covenants 89 (This revelation is known as the Word of Wisdom. Verses 1–9 discuss the things we should not take into our bodies; verses 10–17 discuss the things that are good for our bodies; verses 18–21 describe the Lord’s promises to those who keep His commandments.) Oh, I've read this section and discussed it, thank you. The think about this health code is that the LDS Church approaches this banquet of knowledge cafeteria style. A lot of picking and choosing.

• What things in the world today influence us to break the commandments given to us in the Word of Wisdom? Fast food meat, BBQs, snack and candy isles in grocery stores, convenience stores and gas stations, ward pot lucks, church activity refreshments, endless family birthday gatherings, weddings, most prepackaged meals, Pizza Hut commercials and James Bond movies.
• How can we help ourselves and our children to keep the Lord’s laws of health? Plant a vegetable garden, only eat meat in the winter months, start making your own wine and stop drinking hot liquids.

Ask the class members to read Doctrine and Covenants 29:34.

• In what ways do you think obedience to the Word of Wisdom can bless us spiritually as well as physically? We won't be getting drunk, so we'll have clear heads. We won't be using tobacco (except to cure our animals), so we'll better control our thoughts than those who fight a fierce addition craving. We'll be more sensitive toward the deaths of other animals if we're more careful about how often we eat them. We'll learn what food tastes like out of the ground and off the tree instead of out of a plastic microwave dish. We will be more appreciative of the food we have.
• What are some “great treasures of knowledge” (D&C 89:19) we might receive by keeping these commandments? I would say that we'll learn a lot more about food cultivation and preparation, but this mentions "hidden treasures" so I'm tempted to think that God will show us in vision where some Spanish or Nephite gold is hidden. It definitely doesn't refer to having profound thoughts. Try to name even one big name LDS philosopher.

Share the following statement by President Boyd K. Packer:

“What you learn spiritually depends, to a degree, on how you treat your body. That is why the Word of Wisdom is so important. Monks tend to know the most, spiritually thinking. They've really disciplined their bodies.

“The habit-forming substances prohibited by that revelation—tea, coffee, liquor, tobacco—interfere with the delicate feelings of spiritual communication, just as other addictive drugs will do. Tea doesn't really fuck with your head at all. Green tea is actually good for you. Skipping daily coffees can give you a headache, but then again so will skipping your daily parade of Dr Peppers and we all know that the Church is fine with you drinking Dr Pepper. Alcohol can totally fuck you up, though. Be wise about drinking. Tobacco doesn't incapacitate your thinking at all, really, but you have no good reason to use tobacco, so don't.

“Do not ignore the Word of Wisdom, for that may cost you the ‘great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures’ promised to those who keep it. What are those treasures, I wonder? I never saw a list of appropriate answers. And good health is an added blessing” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1994, 78; or Ensign, Nov. 1994, 61). I feel like good health is the whole damn point. Mormons, shape up!

The Sabbath Day

Read together Exodus 20:8–11. God did a lot of resting after the 6 days of Creation, so why is making us work so damn much?Because Adam and Eve screwed up. Makes sense.

Explain that the Lord’s people have always been commanded to keep the Sabbath day holy. Now please explain why the Lord is so hung up on the earthly week scheduling and why he only chooses a select few to be his people. The Lord has promised great blessings to those who do so. Great, more "blessings".

Ask the class members to read Doctrine and Covenants 59:9–13. Oh, wow! This is definitely not how LDS Mormons keep their Sabbath! Do nothing besides the sacrament, confess sins and eat easy to prepare foods? That's crazy! Hasn't the Lord heard of Sunday dinner, the biggest most elaborate meal of the week? And what about all our meetings and lessons we have to plan for? By the way, Lord, "sacraments" and "oblations" are the same thing. Your dictations are almost as redundant as Joseph Smith's.

• What are the central reasons given by the Lord for keeping the Sabbath day holy? Because God rested so we have to too. It sounds pretty arbitrary, if you ask me.
• In what ways can Doctrine and Covenants 59:9–13 guide our observance of the Sabbath day? We can offer the sacrament to God (even though he doesn't partake of the sacrament), rest from all labors (even if you have something really really important to do), confess our sins (which we usually do a couple times a year on a weekday) and avoid spending a lot of time and energy on our meals (even though Sunday's really the only day we have time to make big exciting meals).
• What are some of the blessings promised to those who properly observe the Sabbath? We'll be "unspotted from the world", whatever the hell that means.

As part of this discussion, share the following principles, taught by Elder James E. Faust:

“Why has God asked us to honor the Sabbath day? The reasons I think are at least threefold. You have to guess too? You were a freaking member of the Top Three for years!! The first has to do with the physical need for rest and renewing. … You don't think people can figure out on their own when to take a break?

“The second reason is, in my opinion, of far greater significance. I hope so. The first reason was bullshit. It has to do with the need for regeneration and the strengthening of our spiritual being. Do you mean something like emotional rejuvenation, or do you honestly think our ghosty spirit things housed inside our bodies get weak somehow? Can ghost, spirits, and phantoms grow weak? …

“The third reason may be the most important of the three. I'm just hoping it makes sense at all. It has to do with obedience to commandments as an expression of our love for God. God's very into being obeyed. Blessed are those who need no reasons other than their love for the Savior to keep his commandments” So the best reason to obey is that Jesus loves those who obey for no reason at all. What? (in Conference Report, Oct. 1991, 46–47; or Ensign, Nov. 1991, 35).

• What are some blessings that have come into your life because you have kept the Sabbath day holy? This is a total wild card. Say absolutely anything. Say that your dog was sick but got better because you took him to the vet on Monday rather than Sunday. Say you felt hungry but happy. Say you found an old EFY soundtrack and played it and it was really moving. Make anything up at all.

Ask the class members to commit themselves to live by the commandments discussed today: moral cleanliness, tithing, the Word of Wisdom, and Sabbath day observance. Haven't they already committed themselves several times over? Why not just remind them that these are commitments they accepted at baptism? Why do you have to put this pressure on them right now? Then they will be better prepared to attend the temple and will receive the Lord’s blessings more abundantly. So far the students have learned little to nothing in this class that will actually prepare them for the secret ceremonies of the LDS temple.

The Process of Obtaining a Temple Recommend Is a Blessing

Explain that before members can go to the temple, they must each be found worthy to receive a temple recommend. The students all know this. Skip ahead. As explained in the following statement, the process of obtaining this recommend can bless the life of each person:

“The bishop has the responsibility of making inquiries into our personal worthiness. This interview is of great importance to you as a member of the Church, for it is an occasion to explore with an ordained servant of the Lord the pattern of your life. Ordained but untrained. Let's tell it like it is: this is an obligatory disclosure of your life to that one neighbor dude. If anything is amiss in your life, the bishop will be able to help you resolve it. Well he'll try anyway. Let's not forget that he likely has no training in counseling. Through this procedure, as you counsel with the common judge in Israel, you can declare or can be helped to establish your worthiness to enter the temple with the Lord’s approval” Bishop's approval. The Lord doesn't sign your recommend. (Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple, 3).

“I … invite the members of the Church to establish the temple of the Lord as the great symbol of their membership and the supernal setting for their most sacred covenants” It is a phallic symbol showing wealth and power, a bit like the temple robes. (President Howard W. Hunter).

Explain that the bishop or branch president and the stake or mission president interview all those seeking a temple recommend for the first time and those planning to be married in the temple. Now hand out the questions they will be asked in these interviews, please. Counselors in the bishopric and the stake presidency may interview those seeking renewal of their temple recommends. Parents, be wise and protect your children from invasive questioning of your teens by a grown man in a closed office.

At this time, have the bishop or branch president or one of the counselors in the bishopric make his presentation about temple recommends. What should the instructor have this special visitor talk about? All the decent kids he's deeply embarrassed and sent home crying? Or should he just stick to the typical PR script? He should not read the actual interview questions in a group setting, but he can present ideas about what class members can expect when they are interviewed for a temple recommend. Why are these questions being kept secret? Why does this have to be a surprise attack? Why does anyone even have to verbalize an answer to these questions to another man rather than to God alone? The following statements may be used as a guide:

Members seeking a temple recommend should have testimonies of Heavenly Father, of the Lord Jesus Christ, and of the Holy Ghost. Should but don't have to. They should sustain the Lord’s prophet, the other General Authorities, and their local Church leaders. They should but it's not necessary. They should not sympathize with or be affiliated with groups or individuals who have apostatized from the Church or whose teachings or practices are contrary to the gospel. They certainly shouldn't but who can stop them, you know?

Those seeking recommends should be faithfully attending sacrament meetings, priesthood meetings, and other Church meetings. They should but a lot of times we have better things to do. They should be conscientiously carrying out their callings given through priesthood authority. They should even if those callings are essentially designed to make you feel important and productive even though they're not actual work. They should be striving to keep all of the Lord’s commandments, including paying a full tithe, being honest in word and deed, and abstaining from the use of tea, coffee, alcohol, tobacco, and other harmful and habit-forming substances. They should but if they couldn't care less about this sort of silliness that's OK too.

They should be living pure and virtuous lives and should be obeying the Lord’s law of chastity, which prohibits sexual relations with anyone other than the spouse to whom they are lawfully wedded. They should but we're all sexual being and need sexual fulfillment from time to time to be truly fulfilled. It's fine, God made us this way. They should be in harmony with gospel principles in both spiritual and physical relationships with other members of their families. They should except when they're family really sucks. They must not be involved in any spiritual, physical, mental, or emotional abuse of others. I absolutely agree! So step out of the bishops office right now and never again allow him to submit you to this spiritual, mental and emotional abuse!

They must be willing to confess their sins and forsake them. If you fight with your mom again, you'll be guilty of all the previously repented of fights again and God will have one more reason to not want to see your disgusting little face again. Serious sins, such as moral transgressions, abuse of family members, affiliation with apostate groups or practices, or serious violations of the laws of the land, must be confessed to the bishop or branch president well in advance of a temple-recommend interview. Don't worry, he can't report you to the law or anything. These confessions are protected by law. If a person’s conscience, which is the Light of Christ given to all people, raises a question in the person’s mind about whether something should be discussed with the bishop or branch president, it should probably be discussed. On second thought, every question you will be asked will cause some level of doubt. You'll have to think quickly and carefully about what the question means to you, what you think it means to the bishop and how best to answer it to put you both at ease. No one has time to listen to you go off about each and every doubt you have, especially when they can just read it at their leisure on your blog.

 

Those who have been divorced may need clearance from the bishop or branch president and the stake or mission president before obtaining a temple recommend. Why? They must always adhere to the agreements of the divorce decree, including being current in making support payments. That good. Keep those deadbeat dads out of there!

Members seeking a temple recommend must be interviewed by a member of the stake presidency or by the mission president after being interviewed by a member of the bishopric or by the branch president. Some may wonder why this is necessary. I certainly do. When we seek a temple recommend, we are actually seeking permission from the Lord to enter the temple. So why don't we pray about it alone and keep it between ourselves and the Lord? Let the voices in our head tell us we've gone clear and call it good. We have the privilege of attesting to our worthiness before two witnesses who are the Lord’s authorized servants. "Privilege"? That non-explanation has PR written all over it. It is a blessing to us to affirm before the Lord’s servants our worthiness to enter the holy temple. "Blessing"? Again? How is this a blessing? You keep throwing this word around but when are you going to tell us what you're talking about?

Conclusion

To emphasize the importance of being worthy to attend the temple and always carrying a current temple recommend, review the following statement by President Howard W. Hunter:

“I … invite the members of the Church to establish the temple of the Lord as the great symbol of their membership and the supernal setting for their most sacred covenants. Please don't use any of those worldly Jesus symbols like bread, water, a vine, a rock, or a lamb, and especially not a fish or cross.  It would be the deepest desire of my heart to have every member of the Church be temple worthy. I would hope that every adult member would be worthy of—and carry—a current temple recommend, even if proximity to a temple does not allow immediate or frequent use of it” Wouldn't it be great if everyone thought you were a real prophet and gave money to your organization? (quoted in Jay M. Todd, “President Howard W. Hunter,” Ensign, July 1994, 5).

Bear testimony of the blessings that have come into your life as you have lived worthy to attend the temple. Invent something. Anything. You can say that your boss trusts you more because you have a twinkle in your eye. You can say you're son is doing better in school because you put his name on the prayer list. You can say you found a hidden treasure once (but you hid it again for others to find and enjoy). Just say something. And cry a little bit. But whatever you do, don't make any hardline promises. We'd hate for these kids to have real expectations!

Temple prep - "The Power to Seal"

The following text is taken from the pamphlet "Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple" (2002) and annotated by me.

If we would understand both the history and the doctrine of temple work we must understand what the sealing power is. I'm pretty sure chemists and physicists are working on that right now. We will crack the code! We must envision, at least to a degree, why the keys of authority to employ the sealing power are crucial. Self importance, perhaps?

Nearly nine hundred years before Christ, the prophet Elijah appeared in the court of the king of Israel. He carried with him a sacred authority: the power to seal. You don't think this story's made up?? I mean, it's from the Old Testament for crying out loud.

Elijah worked out his ministry, ordained and anointed Elisha to succeed him, and then—and this is important—he did not die. Like Moses before him, he was translated. Could he also fly and see through walls?

After that, his name appears only once in the Old Testament, in the next to the last verse of the last chapter of the Old Testament. It is here that Malachi prophesies that Elijah would return and that he would “turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers,” lest the whole earth be smitten with a curse. (See Malachi 4:5–6.) I really and truly hate curses. Please tell me Elijah flew back in from wherever he flew off to.

When Jesus came into the coasts of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, saying, Whom do men say that I the Son of man am?

And they said, Some say that thou art John the Baptist: some, Elias; and others, Jeremias, or one of the prophets.

He saith unto them, But whom say ye that I am?

And Simon Peter answered and said, Thou art the Christ, the Son of the living God.

And Jesus answered and said unto him, Blessed art thou, Simon Bar-jona: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven.

And I say also unto thee, That thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.

And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven; and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. (Matthew 16:13–19.)

You didn't transition at all to these verses. How did you get from Malachi talking hearts to Matthew talking stones and keys so fast?

When Peter, James, and John went with the Lord to the Mount of Transfiguration, there appeared with the transfigured Lord two personages. It's all true, isn't it? Please tell me there are dead people that can come back and float in the air as we levitate. They recognized them to be Moses and Elijah, who had come to convey to that presidency the sealing power. (See Matthew 17:1–8; note that Elias is the Greek translation of the Hebrew name Elijah and is often used in the New Testament to designate Elijah, the prophet of the Old Testament.) If only Joseph Smith knew what you just shared with us he wouldn't look like such an ass today.

Peter was to hold the keys. Is that a euphemism for touching one's cock and balls? Peter was to hold the sealing power, that authority which carries the power to bind or seal on earth or to loose on earth and it would be so in the heavens. He could make thinks in the sky the same as on the ground? You need to explain this better. Maybe what you mean is that he had a special glue for his model rockets so they wouldn't fall apart in the air.

In A.D. 34, after His crucifixion, the Lord ministered to the Nephites. That's miraculous because the Nephites are a fiction. He dictated to them—and this is remarkable in scriptural history—the last two chapters of Malachi (which contained the prophecy that Elijah would return), caused them to write them, and then expounded them. What's truly miraculous here is that the Lord dictated from the King James Bible, which was still about 1600 years in the making. Or Joseph just copied them down from his Bible at home and threw in his preferred interpretation.

When the Angel Moroni appeared to the Prophet Joseph Smith to tell him of the plates, he quoted Malachi’s prophecy that Elijah would return. According to one version of the story. This quotation is now section two of the Doctrine and Covenants. So thanks to Joseph Smith, Malachi is now canonized in Jacobian English in 3 different books of scripture. Impressive.

Thirteen years after Moroni appeared, a temple had been built adequate for the purpose, and the Lord again appeared and Elijah came with Him and bestowed the keys of the sealing power. He returned again? That's dedication! Unfortunately he got back too late to help Joseph authorize his first plural marriage. Oops.

Those keys belong to the President of the Church—to the prophet, seer, and revelator. Today it's a man who has neither prophesied, seen or revealed anything on behalf of the Church. Despite those shortcomings, don't doubt that he is definitely holding fast to those keys. That sacred sealing power is with the Church now. Says the Church. Nothing is regarded with more sacred contemplation by those who know the significance of this authority. What is that significance? You haven't really said. Nothing is more closely held. Because of greed or fear? What would happen if those keys were conferred on an evil man? Would God help you find these keys again if you accidentally lost them?  There are relatively few men who hold this sealing power upon the earth at any given time—in each temple are brethren who have been given the sealing power. Our holy chefs of the original recipe... No one can get it except from the prophet, seer, and revelator and President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or from those he has delegated to give it to others. This is why you have to go with LDS Mormonism. Don't settle for anything less than the most powerful sealing contractors in the business!

Mormon vs. secular - the meaning of life

The LDS Church is very proud of how it answers the question "why are we here?" Mormons totally know what it's all about:

CHOICES!

"Pick a side, breh!"

Life, dear brothers and sisters, is one big test. Heavenly Father wants us to prove to him that we can make the right choices while in our mortal bodies (hint: choose the right, y'all!)

Here's how it works: Heavenly Father gave us free agency on earth in part so we could experience the joy of being wrong from time to time in order to learn how to be right all the time. God wants us to be perfect, just like he is, but that requires a fierce trial of our faith (God's very into testing our fidelity, BTW).  Part of that trial involves an invisible host tempting us and trying to deceive us. We have to figure out when those devils are speaking to us. See, God wants us to make mistakes so we can learn, BUT he also hates mistakes because they're either totally below him or just down right evil (he refers to many human shortcomings as sin) and won't let anyone around him who makes them. So what he did was make a law that it's OK to kill a perfect someone (in our case Jesus) to somehow make up for all the bad decisions we're responsible for. So we're responsible for learning to being better but mostly just responsible for learning about Jesus and being grateful to God for killing him sacrificially to himself for us. In other words, he needs to know that we are smart enough to accept the Atonement for all the mistakes we've made, and we do that by being baptized and then joyfully sitting in church for three hours on Sunday and various other long hours throughout the week.

Sign us up for team Most High God!

It's not too hard to see why someone might not get on board with this plan right away - mostly because that whole vicarious sacrificial atonement part makes absolutely no sense. Satan (our spirit brother formerly known by his Latin moniker, Lucifer) was one of those spirits who didn't like God's plan, and - even though God's plan clearly called for a bunch of rebellious spirits to trip up the non-rebellious as best they could - somehow he was too fucking stupid to realize that by not accepting God's plan he would totally become the sorry ass evil spirit to plague the children of men. So this totally fucking stupid Satan made his own ludicrous plan, in which he would somehow force everyone to behave themselves by somehow denying them any kind of autonomous control of their thoughts and actions (we don't have any more specific details than that) so we'd never make mistakes and all be perfect so God wouldn't have a problem with us being around him after we die. The problem is no one can learn and be happy with someone else making all their decisions for him or her.

Satan's sad evil drone clones.

Now we come back to where we started, according to Mormon thought, to be happy we must make our own decisions. If you don't believe it, just look how unhappy people are under dictators! So make your own choices, learn, and learn to be happy. Just make doubly goddamn sure you believe killing Jesus magically liberates you of your every sin and weakness, get baptized, become a member of the One True Church, pay 10% of your gross income to the Church, attend your weekly Sunday meetings, eat enchanted bread and pretend it's Jesus meat, drink enchanted water and pretend it's Jesus blood, think how the Brethren tell you to think, find another Mormon of the opposite sex who does all of the above, marry that person of the opposite sex in the House of the Lord, have sex, make babies, and teach them these marvelous truths... because otherwise God's going to be pissed and he won't let you hang out with him ever again!

"Shoo!"

What's that? You don't like how this is panning out? It doesn't sound meaningful enough? It sounds downright arbitrary? Really? Well what does the secular world offer you here? Is it any better? What according to the secular thought is life all about? I'll tell you: NOT MUCH!

Lame! You stole this from Jesus!

Waaa! You're so persecuted!

Secularist think you can make up your own meaning of life! They actually think you have the ability to come up with your own reasons for living! It's absurd! Find your niche and thrive in it, they say. Where would such absolute autonomy over your own life come from? Why not just accept and conform your life to Mormon meaning of life? It's easier and guaranteed to make you a god.

Mormon vs. secular - human origins

When it comes to the big questions, Latter-day Saints think they're particularly blessed with satisfactory answers, especially because (and we all agree on this) science doesn't have the answers to big the questions. So let's compare and answers a bit. Once again the questions are:

1. Who am I and where do I come from?
2. Why am I here?
3. Where am I going?

To the first question Mormons answer that you are a child of Heavenly Father - he begot your spirit the same way your parents here on earth begot you (sexual intercourse) - and as a child of a god, you have the potential to become a god. Actually, Mormons dig back even farther than that. They believe that before we were spiritually begotten of the Father we existed as intelligences. Intelligences are understood to be eternal and (obviously) capable of being organized into spirits and spirits into people and people into gods. In fact, God the Father, according to Mormon understanding, was once a mortal man, who was previously a mere spirit child (one of billions or trillions?) of another God, who had begotten him at some point through a very mysterious manipulation of intelligences (sex). What this all means is that we are all "gods in embryo", as we say in the Church. THAT'S WHO YOU ARE!

But saying you're a god is little more than a statement of fact with no sustaining evidence. It's equally logical to say we're all potential vampires waiting for our big bite. I have no evidence for vampires other than the numerous testimonies offered by others and I consequently have no material understanding of what vampires are either. A more sustainable claim made by scripture is that we are dust waiting to happen. This is a material fact. We make dust constantly by shedding skin cells and when we die our bodies will dry and crumble and be spread in part as dust. The knowledge that you are a future pile of dust is much more meaningful than imagining you might one day be a god because you actually have references for what death and dust are. We have little to no reference for understanding what a god is or where one comes from, only a few arcane verses from a very questionable book of scripture.

It's also important to note that most of what the LDS Church focuses on is not so much who you are as what you are. You are a child of God. Whatever that means exactly is essentially left up to you to decide. Science on the other hand is much more concrete. We are members of the only remaining hominid species on the planet, we're very closely related to great apes, but we likely share a common ancestor with all life on earth. Science connects us all with billions of years of genealogy, not a trite affirmation that God's your Daddy. It gives us something concrete to hold onto (DNA). But it still doesn't tell us who we are.

When it comes to discussing the question of who we might be, the Church prefers to state (without much by way of explanation) that we are all unique consciousnesses (a spirit) that will exist forever and ever. The secular world, instead of blowing off the question with a simple dogmatic sentence, has considered various possibilities for millennia and ask for more time to careful explore this complicated subject.

Which answers do we prefer? Which ones feel more genuine? Which ones most deserve serious contemplation? Religious conjectures? Or ideas based on material fact?

"My face? I was born like this. Or maybe Satan did it..."

Mormonism has 'the' answers

Growing up in the LDS Church I was taught very early on that we had the answers to all the big questions. You know the ones I'm talking about - THE big ones:

1. Who am I?
2. Where do I come from?
3. Why am I here?
4. Where am I going?

For those of you who aren't LDS or have somehow forgotten the answers, they're simple:

1. You are a literal spirit child of the Everlasting God! who loves you and has a Plan for you!
2. You came from God's presence...
3. to be born into a physical body and prove your faithfulness to God by living according to His desires and commandments.
4. Sometime after your physical death your body will be made immortal and reunited with your spirit. Then you will be judged and assigned to your eternal kingdom - a brilliant and golden sun, silvery moon, a tiny wink of bronze or the cold obsolete of pure darkness.

I have no doubt that these answers have lifted the fog of existential confusion from your heart and mind and you're now ready to move forward in life with undaunted assurance of God's love and your place in the Universe. Please contact your local LDS missionaries for further light and knowledge.

Hang on. A big blond family? You guys have to be Mormon already.

No? That's strange, usually the Spirit confirms these words of truth in the hearts of the sincere. This is a bad sign. You might be a two-faced piece of shit destined for Outer Darkness. Believe me, the above answers all make perfect sense when you grow up hearing them every week in church.

Repeat it enough and hopefully it will become second nature.

So what seems to be the problem? Are you maybe wondering what a god is and how he procreates to produce literal spirit children? Maybe you don't quite understand what a spirit is. Or maybe you're skeptical of how this information came to our knowledge in the first place. If this is the case, we can tell you that God has a body of flesh and bone (but not blood for some reason); that he has sex (a lot) with a goddess (or two) that we're not allowed to speculate on or talk about; that a spirit is eternal (but only after conception or birth or something) and, believe it or not, physical somehow (but we don't know how and don't know any specifics); and that we got all of this from a very reliable source named Joseph Smith. It doesn't get any clearer or logical than that!

On to where we come from, you might be wondering where God is. That answer is easy: Kolob! Where's Kolob? Um... we don't need to know that, actually. Why should anyone believe God has a physically restricted presence? Because Joseph Smith said so, duh! Is this star or planet named Kolob found within our Universe? Probably. Why wouldn't God reside outside of Creation? Why is he summer homing on a planet he made? Um... It's nice there. Hm...

The important thing is the present though. What you do right now in this life is crucial! You've got to let God know you're on his side! Because he doesn't already know if we are or not? No, because, well, we can switch sides at any time, you know? Because... Satan! But doesn't God know the future already? Doesn't he know if we'll one day succumb to Satan and forsake him? ...Well, sure, probably, but we don't know that. We fricking fought a war with Satan and his followers while still in the presence of God about whether or not we'd follow God's Plan which was to let us live mortal lives in general ignorance. We chose the Plan, that's why we're here enjoying our bodies and all the rebellious spirits, like Satan, will never get a body. Wait! You're saying we already chose to follow God and helped him conquer Satan before we were born? Definitely! So how the hell does God not already know that we chose to follow him? Why are we taking a second fidelity test? Does God not trust those who fought for him? Hey, whoa! Not so fast! That wasn't a real test because it didn't involve faith! No? No, we were living with God, so we had a perfect knowledge of him, not faith in him. We had to be born on earth to learn to develop faith. Why? Because that's the way God likes it. Oh dear god.

Hey, man, how's God going to know whether or not you deserve gold? Because he knows everything already and because I helped him fight off Satan. No, but God has to judge your faith in Him! Which wasn't required when I chose to fight a war for him? Nope. So why did other spirits fight with Satan if they knew God would win? They were just stupid assholes, man. Ah, obviously. So tell me about this super-sunny, magically awesome kingdom. What's so great about it? Yes! Now we're talking! The Celestial Kingdom is the best! You get to live with God forever and YOUR WHOLE FAMILY! Why would I want that? Is God really funny or something? Does it matter that no one in my family would ever believe anything you're telling me here? Will my brother still be a wife-beating dick? You don't understand! Remember how we're all God's literal offspring? Well, the Celestial Kingdom is where we grow up to be full-blown gods! We will make worlds and universes and have billions or trillions or more babies (think how much sex that is!)! We'll have tons of power and glory and love and it'll be so great FOREVER! Uh, yeah, no thanks. Bye!

Summer reading - the best of books

Summer's almost here and I know you're all looking for some quality literature to keep the kids' brains afloat. Nothing keeps the mind sharper than reading, so let me suggest the finest of books you could possibly hope for. It's a good long read full of powerful, uplifting stuff like beheadings, theft, the electrocution of threatening siblings, rumors of wars, fort building, city fortification, vigilante justice, dirty prostitutes, deceptions, stratagems, spearing people, dismembering people, rivers of blood, sibling rivalry, family feuds, cousin killing, patricide, fratricide, infanticide, genocide, fear mongering, demonic possession, Satan, devils, magic curses, rape, endless war, cannibalism, torture, threats, coercion, murmuring, conniving, the wrath of God, divine death threats, burning people at the stake, poisoning, conspiracies, government corruption, evil freemasons, guilt mongering, talk of eternal torment, unprecedented amounts of copulation, and more.

What is this fine book, book you ask? The Book of Mormon, dear brothers and sisters!

And for any of you out there who are worried all this might be a little too much for your kids, don't worry! The fact is The Book of Mormon is written so poorly that the boredom of reading such tedious gibberish will certainly have your children zoned completely out while moving through the pages. By the middle of Alma they'll have absolutely no idea of what exactly they're reading or why.

For those of you who aren't concerned about disturbing content but are more concerned about engaging literature, read something else, like Game of Thrones.

Searching online

To whomever made the first search, it seems like you might be struggling with a previous decision to have an abortion. I can only imagine how painful living with that decision could be. I hope you found something online that has helped you.

To whomever made the second search, WTF?

Keep doubting, my friends.

Tom Perry criticized

LDS apostle LTP (L. Tom Perry) has recently lost a few potential LGB friends earlier this month when in a talk about "traditional" marriage and family he spoke out against the non-traditional.

"We [the leaders of the LDS Church] want our voice to be heard against all of the counterfeit and alternative lifestyles that try to replace the family organization that God Himself established," says he.

In case you didn't get that, let me say it another way, unless you're family is headed by just one person with a penis followed up by just one other person with a vagina, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Thus sayeth an apostle of God. But everyone already knows that the LDS Church has been trying to keep gay marriage from legalization. My impression is that LTP simply pulled the wrong straw when everyone was getting assigned topics for General Conference this year because typically Perry doesn't have much of a reputation for saying offensive things. Most of what we remember him for falls into the category of "Same Old Same Old," probably because he cowedly bends to authority rather than daring to go out on a limb and say something unique enough to shock anyone.

Whatever the case may be, L. Tom, you've heaped shame upon thine own head this Conference season. Fortunately for you, your lesson to learn is an easy one:

In conclusion, let's learn to love one another better. Let's stand by each other's side in strengthening home life wherever and whenever love is the foundation that home.

Sex changes - "divine design"

General authorities have a lot to say about the innate qualities of women and their divinely appointed role here on earth. What happens if we flip the sexes in what they have to say about the topic? Do we have a nonsensical statement because the logic is gender dependent, or do we end up with a statement that still agrees with LDS thought because gender is irrelevant?

"By divine design, mothers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Fathers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, mothers and fathers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." From "The Family: A Proclamation to the World," 1995.

Restricting an individual's participation in work and family according to his or her sex is sexism. You cannot subscribe heart and soul to "The Family" and also claim you are not sexist. Either embrace the fact that you are a sexist or the fact that you disagree with this proclamation.

Sex changes - "none more beautiful"

General authorities have a lot to say about the innate qualities of women and their divinely appointed role here on earth. What happens if we flip the sexes in what they have to say about the topic? Do we have a nonsensical statement because the logic is gender dependent, or do we end up with a statement that still agrees with LDS thought because gender is irrelevant?

"Of all the creations of the Almighty there is none more beautiful, none more inspiring than a lovely son of God who walks in virtue with an understanding of why he should do so, who honors and respects his body as a thing sacred and divine, who cultivates his mind and constantly enlarges the horizon of his understanding, who nurtures his spirit with everlasting truth." Gordon B. Hinckley, "Youth Is the Season," New Era, Sep. 1988, 44.

Which is more beautiful, a lovely son of God or a lovely daughter of God? If you pick one or the other, you're an asshole. Don't doubt that you are.

Judah, Er, Onan and Tamar

Have you ever killed a man for ejaculating outside of a vagina? God has.

It's a hell of an example to follow. Don't doubt that it was a just and holy hit.

Polygamy - unscrupulous seduction

The recent explanation of how the LDS Church got involved in polygamy mentions that:

A few men unscrupulously used these rumors [of Joseph Smith marrying multiple women] to seduce women to join them in an unauthorized practice sometimes referred to as “spiritual wifery.” When this was discovered, the men were cut off from the Church.

Couldn't this also apply to Joseph? His version might look something like this:

Joseph Smith unscrupulously used his prophetic authority and a story about being threatened by an angel to seduce women to join him in an unauthorized practice sometimes called "celestial marriage." When this was discovered, he was cut down by critics and eventually a violent mob.

History is written by the winners.

Polygamy - until Death do us unite

Now that the LDS Church has officially put up information on lds.org about Joseph Smith's polyandry, let's see what the Church has to say about it.

Joseph Smith was sealed to a number of women who were already married. Neither these women nor Joseph explained much about these sealings, though several women said they were for eternity alone. Other women left no records, making it unknown whether their sealings were for time and eternity or were for eternity alone. 

What's an "eternity alone" marriage? Here's the explanation:

Eternity-only sealings indicated relationships in the next life alone.

"Relationships" means sexual relationships; it seems that some of Joseph's marriages would only involve sex after death and resurrection. 

So relax, there's a chance that Joseph wasn't boning all of the already married women that he secretly married. BUT THEY'LL BE GETTING IT ON INFINITELY IN THE NEXT LIFE.

Does that sound any less weird? Does "eternity alone" even make sense given how long eternity is? What about postponing sex makes having multiple spouses sound more acceptable to Mormons? I wonder how the husbands feel about this arrangement? Wouldn't a "life alone" marriage at least offer the relief of knowing that your wife's relationship with another man will one day end?

Polygamy - empty explanations

In addition to God needing believing babies, the early saint's apparently needed learn some shit the hard way.

Church leaders taught that participants in plural marriages should seek to develop a generous spirit of unselfishness and the pure love of Christ for everyone involved. (See here.)

Why was polygamy the preferred didactic method for teaching "the pure love of Christ"? I have no clue. Back in Jesus' day his approach was telling people to give all they had to the poor and not judging and stuff like that. The Church seems to be suggesting that God doesn't really care or want us to understand his motives.

Like the participants, we “see through a glass, darkly” and are asked to walk by faith. (See here.)

The only real important thing is that we believe God will give us something for our efforts:

They believed it was a commandment of God at that time and that obedience would bring great blessings to them and their posterity. (See here.)

We view our current polygamous practices the same way.

[T]he Church permits a man whose wife has died to be sealed to another woman when he remarries. Moreover, members are permitted to perform ordinances on behalf of deceased men and women who married more than once on earth, sealing them to all of the spouses to whom they were legally married. The precise nature of these relationships in the next life is not known, and many family relationships will be sorted out in the life to come. (See here.)

In other words, we don't know what the fuck we're doing or why exactly we're doing it, but we trust it's from God and we trust that he'll sort all this shit out even though it's absolutely absurd. Considering all the sealing combinations we've tried out (and the probability that many of those sealed souls won't even make it to Celestial glory), it's safe to say the tapestry of eternal families we've woven will look something like this:

Keeping sealing, dear Saints, but whatever you do do not stop to consider the idea that Joseph Smith made this all up so he could take advantage of several women (and girls).