Back to you, Dieter

Dear Dieter,

Two years ago I started this blog because you recycled a mind-numbingly stupid slogan about how we needed to be aggressively critical towards our doubts instead of towards our faith. It's a slogan that suggests we should engage in self-censorship by turning a blind eye to unfavorable information. You suggest that ignorance is better than honesty. The fact is it's not.

In one of your talks earlier this month, you repackage the story of Daniel ("and other young students in Israel") in Babylon like it's the story of a young, enthusiastic Mormon headed off to a liberal university where he must resist the peer pressure to adopt the philosophies of man. "But Daniel believed. Daniel did not doubt." It's a clever move. It's also a very misleading juxtaposition. To suggest that today's higher education systems throughout the world are comparable to the vicious theocracy of King Nebuchadnezzar in which nonconformists are burned alive is, in a word, bizarre. Seriously, the Babylonian "team of scholars" (the Bible says "magicians and astrologers") has nothing to do with thousands upon thousands of highly trained researchers across the world who endlessly critique each other's work. Daniel, the Israelite captive carried off to be indoctrinated probably has more in common with young LDS missionaries than college students being pressured to binge drink with their fraternities and sororities.

Just think about it. I am, Dieter, and I think your analogy sucks. How much easier would it have been for Daniel to simply go along with the ways of Babylon? I don't know. I imagine he would have faced some pressure from his fellow Isrealites in captivity and I can't imagine how attractive the Babylonian belief system would have been, if at all. Please don't think that replacing one's belief system is easy. When a belief system is not yours, you're mostly likely going to think it's obviously ridiculous. He could have set aside the restrictive code of conduct God had given the children of Israel. He could have feasted on the rich foods provided by the king and indulged in the worldly pleasures of the natural man. Think of all the vile bacon he could have been eating! He would have avoided ridicule. I didn't see where in the book of Daniel it mentions ridicule. Can I get a verse on that?

He would have been popular. WTF? He was the prince of the eunuch's favorite and one of Nebuchadnezzar's top four councilors.

He would have fit in. Poor kid. At least the totalitarian king loved him. :S

His path might have been much less complicated. Had he just drank the Kool-aid, er... wine...

As silly as your talk is up to this point, it's outdone in the next section where you blame it all on Satan and shame people who are skeptical or have doubts.

Satan, our adversary, wants us to fail. Satan is an early Christian invention, not an actual spirit being. He spreads lies as part of his effort to destroy our belief. What lies? That Joseph Smith had a history of making shit up to get money out of people starting from his early teens? That he plagiarized and falsified rather than actually translate? That he cheated on his wife many, many times and tried to exonerate himself with a fabricated revelation? He slyly suggests that the doubter, the skeptic, the cynic is sophisticated and intelligent, while those who have faith in God and His miracles are naive, blind, or brainwashed. No, that's not Satan, that's logic. Satan will advocate that it is cool to doubt spiritual gifts and the teachings of true prophets. No one's doubting because it's "cool", you asshole! People doubt because they see various inconsistencies in the theory of spiritual gifts and the teachings of those claiming to be prophets. Most of us don't go hunting for them; they arise naturally throughout the years of indoctrination. Right now you sound like the type of person who would claim fossils were put on earth by Satan to deceive us.

And now for the token quote from this train wreck of a prophetic message - the part where you call doubters ignoble, unimpressive, lazy, morally weak, disloyal and cowardly.

Brethren, let me be clear: there is nothing noble or impressive about being cynical. Skepticism is easy—anyone can do it. It is the faithful life that requires moral strength, dedication, and courage. Those who hold fast to faith are far more impressive than those who give in to doubt when mysterious questions or concerns arise.

Who the fuck do you think you're fooling? First off, don't conflated cynicism for skepticism. Now let me show you the other side:
  
Following your family, your friends and your community in their beliefs is easy. It's great having everyone around you be in constant agreement because they think like you do. It's very hard when you don't share the beliefs of your community and you live your life as an outsider. Your kids might even have a hard time finding friends whose parents will let them come over to play. But it is the sincere life of inquiry and careful judgement that requires moral strength, dedication and courage! Those who hold fast to integrity of thought and open-mindedness are far more impressive than those who allow their family or the geographical location in which they were born to provide a prepared set of default answers to questions or concerns about your worldview.

You end your talk with the horrible idea that we simply choose to believe because somehow that will make all the absurdities of the LDS history and doctrine magically disappear. You're asking us to shut off our brains, to stop thinking. Most people can't do this. Most people will struggle silently with cognitive dissonance, will wear out their knees praying for answers, will hate themselves for not understanding and not getting any divine enlightenment. Others will have the courage and good sense to accept the reality of life on earth and walk away from the Church.

Dieter, you should be ashamed of yourself. Your talk will hurt thousands of people who are struggling to make Mormonism work somehow. My only consolation is that the only reason you gave this talk in the first place is because so many people are leaving the Church. You're desperate. You can't defend the Church with facts, so you attack the people who have seen the facts. How cowardly of you.

Temple prep - Endowed from on High "Lesson 5"

I'm reading the Church Education System's manual for temple preparation and adding my two cents. Text found here.

Objective

“I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts” (2 Nephi 28:30). Heavenly Father is the king of mystery. He's a bit like Moriarty in Sherlock only letting us know enough to keep himself entertained.

To help class members understand and appreciate the use of symbols in the temple. Symbols like the majestically phallic spire, upon which Moroni wraps his lips around God's trumpet. Absolutely beautiful.

Preparation

1. Bring a flag of your country or a picture of your country’s flag.
   
2. Ask a class member to summarize the story of how one of the Brethren answered a question about temple garments. The story is found on pages 20–21 and 23 of Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple. This is the story of some dumbfuck hypocrite Protestant chaplin assface who thought garments were "strange" even though he himself was wearing some weirdass clerical getup. It's symbolic, shithead! Duh! I can't stand people prying into my underwear drawer.
   

Note to teacher: Temple ordinances and covenants are sacred, and discussion about them is primarily limited to within the temple. Therefore, class discussion should be limited to the explanations given in this manual. In other words, your temple experience and insight isn't needed for this lesson. You're here just to make sure these kids hear these non-explanatory explanations because we sure as hell can't trust them to read this material on their own.

Lesson Presentation

Ask class members if they have any questions. I have one! Um, why are we taking this class on temple symbolism when the instructions say we can't really discuss the symbolism of the temple? At what point do we actually talk about all the symbols in the temple? I've been through many times and can tell you that the symbols covered in the endowment are pretty unimpressive. The green apron with fig leaf designs that you wear represents the fig leaves Adam and Eve used to cover their uglies. The white clothing represents purity (dark = dirty and yucky). The handshake where you place the tip of your index on the other person's wrist represents the nails put in Jesus' wrists. Is that supposed to be deep? And what about all the symbols that aren't discussed here or in the endowment or any other ceremony? Does anyone ever check with us to see if we noticed them and interpreted them correctly? No, because they don't matter. All that matters is that you convince yourself that you're learning and growing closer to God. Take the time required to answer questions to the best of your ability and as guided by the Lord’s Spirit. On second thought, just act sweet and stick to the script below. Remember that some aspects of temple work must not be discussed outside the temple. If you, dear teacher, tell them something secret, we will stick you in nursery for at least a decade. Keep your lips sealed.

Symbols Are Important in Our Daily Lives

Explain that symbols are used constantly in our everyday lives. Draw the following or other appropriate symbols on the chalkboard. Ask the class members to describe what each symbol means.

Jew. Medical help. Something is not allowed.
Show the class your country’s flag or a picture of the flag and ask them to describe what the flag means to them. Rebellion, war, nationalism, imperialism, oppression and optimism.

• What are some other objects or some actions that show patriotism? (A song, a uniform, a piece of clothing, a holiday, or a celebration.) This is the kind of exercise that breeds "artists" like Jon McNaughton.

Point out that these are symbols that stand for or represent patriotism. Of course they are, that's exactly what you asked the students to list. They came up with whatever symbols they came up with precisely because they thought they were patriotic.

• What are some symbols for love and respect? (A gift or a ring, a kiss or an embrace, a heart shape.) A dick in a box?
• Do symbols convey the same message to all people? No. Why or why not? 'Cause we're all different and understand things differently, if at all.
• Why do we use symbols? They're wonderfully brief and often quite memorable.

Let the class members discuss. They may suggest ideas such as the following:

1. Symbols can help us remember important things. Like how the cross helps some people remember that Jesus supposedly died for each of them personally.
   
2. Symbols can teach us abstract truths that might be hard to learn in other ways. Like how the Taoist yin and yang teach the cyclic nature of all things.
   
3. Symbols can represent feelings. Like emoticons!
   
4. Symbols can teach different principles according to our personal readiness to learn. What student would ever say this? Symbols don't teach on their own, instead we are taught to understand symbols. No one will understand the symbols already discussed in the lesson (Star of David, medical cross, prohibited circle, national flag) without first having had them explained to them. When teaching someone to read do we just give them a dictionary and tell them they'll sort it out with time? No. They will not learn understand the letters, words and function of the dictionary without an appropriate amount of training. SYMBOLS DON'T TEACH PEOPLE, PEOPLE TEACH SYMBOLS.
   

Explain that when the symbols are repeated, we learn to understand them better. Not necessarily. The more the symbols are analyzed and discussed the more we're likely to understand them. Mere repetition is nothing more than busywork.

Jesus Christ and His Prophets Used Symbols

Explain that the Savior repeatedly used symbols when He taught.

• What are some instances in which the Lord taught by using symbols? Let's just look at your examples...

The class members may mention such things as lost sheep (see Matthew 18:12–14); a mustard seed (see Matthew 13:31–32); or a pearl of great price (see Matthew 13:45–46). Christopher Hitchens shared the opinion of my grandmother that no one should be flattered by being compared to a sheep. I think the mustard seed lesson is inaccurate at best. I also think it's a little demeaning of people to refer to them as swine who can't appreciate the importance of something.

• Why do you think the Savior used symbols when He taught? His hyperbolic teachings make an impression on us and are easy to remember.

Let the class members discuss. Then review the following statement:

“The Lord Himself, the Master Teacher, in His own teaching to His disciples taught constantly in parables, a verbal way to represent symbolically things that might otherwise be difficult to understand. Sure, little stories can be easy to remember, but the message is often lost. As I recall he sometimes taught in parables to keep people in ignorance. He talked of the common experiences drawn from the lives of His disciples, and He told of hens and chickens, birds, flowers, foxes, trees, burglars, highwaymen, sunsets, the rich and the poor. … He talked of the mustard seed, of the pearl. But he never once threw in Masonic symbols for the simple fact that Freemasonry wouldn't exist for anther millennium and a half. He wanted to teach His hearers, so He talked of simple things in a symbolic sense. But he never used Masonic symbols. None of these things is mysterious or obscure, and all of them are symbolic” (Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple, 8). So how is it that everyone understands Jesus' parables differently? If they were so clear and straight forward all of Christianity would interpret them the same way. Are you absolutely sure Jesus avoided being obscure?

Explain that the prophets and apostles often used symbols to teach of Jesus Christ and His atoning sacrifice. Many of these "symbolic" teachings can be quite offensive (like telling a girl she's a licked cupcake, ABC chewing gum, or a wilted rose if she ever let's someone touch her) or fail to bear the weight of careful analysis (Alma's seed of faith experiment, for example, proves that faith in the Church is as much a bad seed as a good seed). The Atonement of Jesus Christ is the basis of the gospel and of all the blessings we receive. It makes salvation possible. Therefore, most of the symbols in the scriptures teach us about the Savior and His sacrifice. I'm not sold on the atonement, but stories about forgiveness are probably a good thing.

Ask the class members to read Moses 6:63. This is why we're blessed to see Jesus in toast.

• What things in the earth bear record of the Savior? Footprints? Does he have a footprint or two out there somewhere?

Ask the class members to read Alma 13:16.

• In what ways do priesthood ordinances bear record of the Savior? I think after reading the preceding verses that something about paying tithing to high priests supposedly resembles Jesus. You might want to pick a clearer scripture.

Point out that before the Savior carried out the Atonement, His covenant people sacrificed animals as a symbol of His atoning sacrifice (see Moses 5:4–8). Totally! All that animal slaughter was insane! That practice ended with the Savior’s death and Resurrection. That's right. You're not going to top killing a the son of God! But why did God create a system that requires corporal and capitol punishment? I suppose he, like the rest of us, has his preferences. Now the Lord commands us to “offer for a sacrifice unto [Him] a broken heart and a contrite spirit” (3 Nephi 9:20). The blood lust days are over. And priesthood ordinances continue to help us remember the Savior’s atoning sacrifice. Only if we teach explicitly why those ordinances are designed to help us remember. The sacrament prayers spell it out very nicely, but I'm not so sure about other ordinances. Elder Russell M. Nelson taught:

“Essential ordinances of the gospel symbolize the Atonement. Baptism by immersion is symbolic of the death, burial, and Resurrection of the Redeemer. Partaking of the sacrament renews baptismal covenants and also renews our memory of the Savior’s broken flesh and of the blood He shed for us. Ordinances of the temple symbolize our reconciliation with the Lord and seal families together forever” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 47; or Ensign, Nov. 1996, 35). Please explain what that symbolic reconciliation looks like and please stop misinterpreting Jesus' stance on marriage.

Symbols Teach Us Truth If We Are Spiritually Sensitive

Explain that when the Savior lived on earth, His disciples asked Him why He taught with parables. Parables are stories that teach important truths, often using symbolic language. Let's just say they're very short morally didactic stories. The "important truths" bit isn't really part of the definition and "symbolic language" is meaninglessly redundant. Have the class members read Matthew 13:10–12 to learn what the Savior said.

• What do you think the Savior meant when He said this? I think he was saying "suck my dick!" to everyone who didn't understand the morals of his stories.

Explain that the Lord reveals truth to those who are spiritually ready to understand it. So if you find that you're not learning anything in the temple, remember it's your fault. Those who receive truth with faith and obedience continue to receive more truth. But no one ever talks about their new found understanding of deep truths. Members who try are typically viewed as fringy and weird. Top Church leaders avoid addressing such half-cocked temple revelations among the general membership and they never share their own amazing insights. In the end we simply assume that everyone who attends the temple regularly is learning amazing stuff through the spirit even though we ourselves are not. Those who are not spiritually prepared and who fail to receive truth or receive it with a doubtful heart will gradually lose the truth they have. Put in other words, those who see through the bullshit end up distancing themselves from the charade and sticking with reality.

Stories with symbols present truth in such a way that those who are spiritually prepared understand the meaning of the symbols. Once again, symbols do not teach, they are taught. Those who are not prepared do not understand the meaning. Preparation for the use of symbols takes the form of education on what the symbol is and how it should be used. We don't see symbols and accurately interpret them without some background training in what to look for.

Either no one should be dressed like this or everyone should be tied up. I'm not sure.

Some people in the Savior’s time understood the messages of His parables, but many did not. Because they were at times intentionally unclear. The same is true today. Very true. People today still don't understand Jesus' parables. Take Mormons for example. They think the parable of the talents has to do with playing a musical instrument or playing a sport exceptionally well. Those are the wrong talents, brothers and sisters. There are many levels of spiritual understanding among righteous members of the Church. I'd go so far as to say that no two members believe the same things. Everyone has their own church and their own gospel and there's nothing correlation can do about it.

Have the class members read 2 Nephi 28:30 and Doctrine and Covenants 42:49–50.

• What do these scriptures teach about how we learn truth from God? The first one teaches us that God's a stingy bastard when it comes to giving us knowledge leaking it only a tiny trickle at a time to his star students, and the second reminds us that a sucker is born every day and that we shouldn't be too gullible. It reminds me of how Joseph was given revelations about Kolob and how way too many people believed him and continue to believe in that bogus astronomy.

Explain that it is possible for all of us to develop spiritually to a level where we can understand the meaning of symbols used in the gospel, in the scriptures, and especially in the temple. This feels like you're just trying to bait your students into going to the temple. You sell the idea that there's a lot of learning to be done in the temple and imply that that learning cannot happen elsewhere. I don't think that's true, but more importantly I think you need to clarify what you mean when you talk of knowledge. How are you distinguishing "spiritual" knowledge from just plain old knowledge? What makes them different and is one better than the other somehow? Can you explain your take on epistemology for us?

The Most Sacred Symbolic Teachings Are Received in the Temple

Explain that the most sacred symbolic teachings on earth are received in the temple. Wow, that's quite a high standard your setting! In a symbolic way, the teachings and rituals of the temple take us on an upward journey toward eternal life, ending with a symbolic entrance into the presence of God. Yes, kids, you start out in the Creation Room and then, if you're in a live session (which you most likely won't be) you'll move to other rooms, eventually ending up walking through a white curtain into the Celestial Room. It's very symbolic in an over the top sort of way. The characters depicted, the physical setting, the clothing worn, the signs given, and all the events covered in the temple are symbolic. You'll be quasi-participants in a religious play. There's a lot of make believing. When they are understood, they will help each person recognize truth and grow spiritually. The "physical setting" are rooms with murals of planets and oceans and animals and stuff, the clothing is goofy as shit (God has horrible taste), the signs are pulled from Freemasonry, and the events are banal. Unless you're slow, you'll figure everything out almost instantly, then you'll get bored out of your brain in all future sessions. But, who knows why, you'll always say that you had an amazing trip to the temple.

“All things have their likeness, and all things are created and made to bear record of me, both things which are temporal, and things which are spiritual” (Moses 6:63). Like electric eels? How about silicon computer chips?

Some of the symbols are straightforward, and the meaning is readily apparent. Like what? The temple itself is a symbol:

“If you have seen one of the temples at night, fully lighted, you know what an impressive sight that can be. It is very clearly a phallic symbol showing wealth and power. The house of the Lord, bathed in light, standing out in the darkness, becomes symbolic of the power and the inspiration of the gospel of Jesus Christ standing as a beacon in a world that sinks ever further into spiritual darkness” (Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple, 10). The world is sinking "ever further into spiritual darkness"? REALLY? We have more people than ever fighting against slavery, against racism, sexism, and various other forms of inequality. We have developed the science to save countless lives thanks to surgeries and effective medications. We have very large nations working to protect their citizens and working together to keep war at bay. The scriptures and our modern prophets offer none of these improvements. Please take your fear mongering and shove it up your ass.

The temple clothing is also symbolic. It's symbolic of human idiocy, a lot like the emperor's new clothes. When we enter the temple, we change from street clothes into white temple clothing, which is a symbol of purity. White = good, dark = bad. Yes, we do like to think in black and white terms. President James E. Faust said:

“Fundamental to temple worship is the principle that ‘God is no respecter of persons.’ [Acts 10:34.] But we still thought it was a good idea to ban blacks from the priesthood and the temple anyway. We also think it's a good idea to keep women in the home. And let's be honest, we're pretty sure God want's us to make life difficult for homosexuals. Within the hallowed walls of the temples, there is no preference of position, wealth, status, race, or education. Correct. Race has been on that list since 1978 and maybe someday the Church will at sex, gender and sexuality to the list as well. All dress in white. Men get powerful baker's hats and women get TO VEIL THEIR FACES! All receive the same instruction. Mostly. Women get some modified instruction that subjects them to their husbands. All make the same covenants and promises. All men make the same covenants and all women make the same covenants, but men and women do not make the exact same covenants. All receive the same transcendent, eternal blessings if they live worthy to claim them. Kind of. Men get to become kings and priests and women queens and priestesses. Historically kings ruled over their queens and we have no idea what a priestess even does according to Mormon doctrine. All are equal before their Creator” But not so equal in the temple. (in Conference Report, Apr. 1997, 23; or Ensign, May 1997, 20).

Explain that members who receive temple ordinances and make covenants with God wear special garments (underclothing) throughout the rest of their lives. They look like t-shirts and long boxer briefs. Now. A hundred years ago they were more like white long johns. You'll be asked to put them on underneath a white poncho thing called a "shield" and then you'll sit in a chair while someone you've probably never met will recite some secret prayers and pretend to touch various parts of your body. Read this. Read the following statement:

“The garment represents sacred covenants. They're supposed to be like the lamb skins God made for Adam and Eve after finding them wearing fig leaves. I bet those were some pretty sweet threads! It fosters modesty and becomes a shield and protection to the wearer. It also fosters the kind of sexual repression that gets you excited about bare shoulders. The "protection" mentioned here is not guaranteed. You'll still want to have dirty sex. You'll still want to punch your sister-in-law's face in. You'll still be vulnerable to gunshots and knife wounds. Basically garments just keep you a little warmer and make shopping a little more difficult. … The garment, covering the body, is a visual and tactile reminder of [covenants made in the temple]. They're also a great reminder that God, who made you in his image, doesn't like you to be naked almost ever. For many Church members the garment has formed a barrier of protection when the wearer has been faced with temptation. Some members have reported seeing devils and even the Great Satan himself shrivel and turn to smoke after trying to touch the sacred garment. Among other things it symbolizes our deep respect for the laws of God—among them the moral standard” When you see yourself in your garments you'll understand why no one wants to have sex with you. (Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple, 20, 23).

Ask the assigned class member to summarize how one of the Brethren described the purpose of the temple garment (see Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple, 20–21, 23). I gave my summary above.

Explain that almost every aspect of the temple ceremony is symbolic. Didn't we already say that? Whatever. I'd like to know what in human society is not symbolic. This means that each person should prepare to be as spiritually sensitive as possible to the symbolic nature of the temple endowment. Why? "Spiritual sensitivity" doesn't help you interpret signs and symbols. Before giving our kids keys to the car we send them to driving classes so they can learn how to read and follow traffic, but when it comes to the temple we just say "pay attention to 'signs'" and essentially never engage with them again on the topic.

• What could keep a person from being spiritually sensitive in the temple? A disbelief in spirits. Rock and roll music about fast cars. Sleeping through the session. Reading shit blogs about doubting doubts.

Class members might mention such things as the following:

1. A person may not be worthy. The girl who listens to her little brother masturbating on the other side of the wall will bring that one up. A person who has failed to sincerely repent and has not prepared humbly and prayerfully for the temple will find that the symbols will be lifeless and their meanings will be hidden. This is an amazingly effective distraction commonly known as blaming the victim. You weren't impressed with the temple? That's because you're a dirty sinner!
   
2. A person may lack faith. The temple lacks a clean fit in Christian theology and doesn't feel like the Mormonism you've practiced your whole life, so it will take A LOT OF FAITH to accept it as legitimate worship. A person who does not have faith in Jesus Christ and the temple ceremony may not receive the inspiration from the Holy Ghost necessary for understanding the temple endowment. And having lots of faith is no guarantee you'll be inspired either. The temple's a bit of a crap shoot.
   
3. A person may focus so much on the outward motions of the ceremonies that he or she may miss the powerful teachings represented by the symbols. The only way to avoid this is to go through the motions frequently. The only way to do that is to attend the temple regularly. You can only attend the temple if you truly believe everything and give the Church your money. They never said it would be cheap they only said it would be worth it a some point after you're dead.
   

• How can we prepare to be spiritually sensitive in the temple? Repent and exercise non-stop faith! Oh, and watch the endowment on YouTube.

Conclusion

Point out that those going to the temple for the first time can expect to learn many new things and feel the power of the Lord’s Spirit. At least half the people I talk to (family and friends) say their first time made them wonder if they'd just joined a cult. Encourage class members to prepare themselves spiritually for their temple experience. Remind them that all of what is presented cannot be understood in a single visit. Keep coming back to repeat this thing you don't understand! One day you'll feel like you basically get it, but you won't be too bothered either way because you will have done it so much it feels almost second nature. They should return to the temple as often as possible so they can continue to learn and to renew their spiritual feelings. Come! Do! Like it! You're incomplete if you don't. Your spirit will starve. You won't get blessings. Your family will pay the price. Come! Do! Testify!

Temple prep - Endowed from on High "Lesson 4"

I'm reading the Church Education System's manual for temple preparation and adding my two cents. Text found here.

Objective

“And without the ordinances thereof, and the authority of the priesthood, the power of godliness is not manifest unto men in the flesh” (D&C 84:21). Isn't God (and the power of godliness) evident to "men in the flesh" through all of Creation regardless of priesthood authority and ordinances? The Book of Mormon strongly suggests that he is and all we really have to do to observe this power is observe the stars and planets (Alma 30:40-41, 44).

To help class members understand the importance of temple ordinances and covenants. This lesson is totally for me. If there's one thing I can claim to not understand about the temple it's its importance to a Christian God. But somehow I doubt this lesson will be of much help...

Preparation

1. If it is available in your area, you may want to show the video presentation Together Forever. Yet another super-sentimental video from the '80s? This trash is emotional manipulation for the hyper-sensitive. The presentation lasts approximately 27 minutes. 27 minutes of stiff scripted and poorly acted religious goop. Pure torture (except for the bad boy in a sports car 12 min. in).
   
2. You may want to prepare to have the class members sing “More Holiness Give Me” (Hymns, no. 131). That's a great song who's message can be summed up as: "More more more, now now now. I'm a worthless god dropping. Amen."
   

Lesson Presentation

Ask class members if they have any questions. About what? You haven't even introduced the topic yet, so unless these kids have read something on their own (from the Internet, say) they won't have anything to ask. Take the time required to answer questions to the best of your ability and as guided by the Lord’s Spirit. Fine. I have a question for you to answer by the Spirit. Why do we no longer speak Adamic in the prayer circle? Why would the Lord reveal that special language and then tell us we're not supposed to use it anymore? Did we piss of God in the late '80s somehow? Remember that some aspects of temple work must not be discussed outside the temple. Adamic is no longer part of the temple ceremony so can we talk about it?

In the Temple We Receive Ordinances and Make Covenants

Explain that in the temple we receive the ordinances that will enable us to return to the presence of God. Kids, these are handshakes and oaths taken directly from the Freemasons and modified in some cases by Joseph Smith. We also make covenants to live the laws of the gospel. Didn't we already do that at baptism and every week after in sacrament meeting? The following material will provide information about ordinances and covenants in general, and temple ordinances and covenants in particular. Ooh! Particulars!

Ordinances

Explain that an ordinance is a sacred ceremony that has a spiritual meaning and effect. We learned this long before we were baptized.

Ask the class members to name some of the ordinances in the Church. (They may mention naming and blessing of babies, baptism, confirmation, the sacrament, ordination to the priesthood, and temple ordinances.) Well they can't really name the temple ordinances because they probably don't know what they are. They might mention anointing the sick and dedicating graves. Magical healing lube and sanctifying holes in the ground are important!
Explain that ordinances performed by the power of the priesthood are essential to our exaltation. I think Jesus would say that baptism and the sacrament are essential. He didn't talk about the other stuff as essential, if he talked about it at all. It is through these ordinances that we receive the power of God in our lives. Jump through the hoops and God gives you one of his lightning bolts to play with.
 

Ask the class members to read Doctrine and Covenants 84:19–21.

• What is necessary in order for the power of godliness to be manifest in our lives? (The ordinances of the Melchizedek Priesthood. The “greater priesthood” mentioned in these verses is the Melchizedek Priesthood.) This doesn't make sense at all. What about those verses in Alma I linked us to above? They say that God's power is manifest through all things. The New Testament says that God makes it rain on rich and poor. My understanding is that everyone is constantly witnessing God's power everyday regardless of who we are. Does God not bless people who aren't baptized LDS? Does he not answer their prayers? Does he not work through them?

“We covenant to give of our resources in time and money and talent—all we are and all we possess—to the interest of the kingdom of God upon the earth” (Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple, 35). So rewrite my wills, kids. The LDS Church gets it all.

Have class members turn to page 29 in Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple. Ask a class member to read the following statement aloud:

“How important are the ordinances to us as members of the Church? The real question is "How important are these ordinances to Jesus?" Probably not very. He never really talked about them.

“Can you be happy, can you be redeemed, can you be exalted without them? Answer: They are more than advisable or desirable, or even than necessary. More even than essential or vital. They are crucial to each of us.” "Necessary", "essential", "vital" and "crucial" are synonyms. Your rhetoric is weak.

Covenants

Emphasize that a covenant is a sacred agreement between God and a person or group of people. More rehash of baptismal prep. I promise we all get it at this point. God sets specific conditions, and He promises to bless us as we obey those conditions. The conditions are pretty rigid and the blessings are extremely suspicious. God's stacked things in his favor. When we choose not to keep covenants, we cannot receive the blessings, and in some instances we suffer a penalty as a consequence of our disobedience. Before 1990 the penalties LDS Mormons were covenanting to involved slitting throats, slashing chests open and disembowelment. Fortunately that was all rhetorical and not literal. Still gross though. The saving ordinances of the priesthood are always accompanied by covenants. Because God can't help you unless you dress in white and get dipped in water or whatever. He's got to know you're in it to win it! #powerofhazing

• What covenants have you made with the Lord up to this point in your lives? (Class members may mention the covenant of baptism, which is renewed each time we take the sacrament.) That just about covers it. They haven't made other covenants and Jesus didn't ask for any more.
• What covenants do we make when we are baptized? (See Mosiah 18:8–10; D&C 20:37.) To call ourselves Jesus' people, share hardships, show empathy and generosity to others, tell everyone that God is great, serve God always and show others you do indeed serve him (best done by feeding the hungry, clothing the naked and healing the sick).

Emphasize that when we make covenants with God, we express our desire to serve God and our willingness to obey all that is asked of us. Trying to express that desire through any other means just doesn't convince the Lord. You have to play by his arbitrary rules. In return, God promises us many wonderful blessings. Ugh! More "blessings". This is just shorthand for "trust us". We must make and keep covenants in order to progress toward eternal life. And one of those covenants, ladies, is that you will obey your husband. I'm not kidding. Apparently unless you "harken unto" your righteous husband, you'll be blocked at the pearly gates.

Temple Ordinances and Covenants

Explain that the temple ordinances include the endowment and sealings (temple marriage and sealing of parents to children) for both the living and the dead. I'm guessing everyone in the class already knows this. Why don't we explain instead what the endowment looks like and how sealings began as polygamous unions, not monogamous ones. The ordinance of baptism for the dead is performed in temples, as are other priesthood ordinances. Jews hate that whole baptism for the dead thing, as do many other people who don't want Mormons trying to convert their ancestors. In the temple ordinances, we make solemn covenants to give ourselves to God and to help build His kingdom on earth. I think you mean "at baptism". The temple is sounding redundant.

Elder James E. Talmage said about the covenants we make in the endowment:

“The ordinances of the endowment embody certain obligations on the part of the individual, such as covenant and promise to observe the law of strict virtue and chastity, to be charitable, benevolent, tolerant and pure; to devote both talent and material means to the spread of truth and the uplifting of the race; to maintain devotion to the cause of truth; and to seek in every way to contribute to the great preparation that the earth may be made ready to receive her King,—the Lord Jesus Christ. Thank you very much for the list, I just have a question for you: how are these not covered in the baptismal covenants? I think they're already covered. With the taking of each covenant and the assuming of each obligation a promised blessing is pronounced, contingent upon the faithful observance of the conditions” (The House of the Lord, rev. ed. [1976], 84). What blessings? List some that are actually convincing. I can tell everyone what you hear in the temple. The gods promise they "will provide a Savior for you, whereby you may come back into our presence, and with us partake of Eternal Life and exaltation". Part of this partaking of "Eternal Life and exaltation" includes "the day... when you will be... Kings and Queens, Priests and Priestesses" in heaven. It sounds impressive, doesn't it?

You may want to review the covenants just described by writing them on the chalkboard. I guess, but where are the actual temple covenants to be found? Why can't temple preppers see them in advance? Emphasize that we make covenants to be righteous and pure, and we also make covenants to give all we have to building the Lord’s kingdom. Tithing isn't enough. The LDS Church wants all you money. Read the following statement:

“We are a covenant people. We covenant to give of our resources in time and money and talent—all we are and all we possess—to the interest of the kingdom of God upon the earth” (Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple, 35). God knows when you're holding back and it really pisses him off! No hiding cash in your mattress, no putting meetings of personal importance over church meetings, no pretending you don't know how to play the trumpet. You've promised it all to God.

• In what ways can we give “all we are and all we possess” to the kingdom of God? Stop spending money on vacations and eating out and start giving that money to the Church. Make sure we properly indoctrinate out children to think that our family is happy because and only because of Church doctrine. That's for starters.
• What sometimes hinders members from giving all that they have to the Lord’s kingdom? Needing to buy food for yourself. Believing that the poor and sick could use the money more.

You may want to share your testimony about the blessings that have come into your life because you have made and kept temple covenants. Feel free to say anything you want here no matter how ridiculous it sounds. Tell students that you always grow beautiful carrots in you garden thanks to your temple covenants. Tell them that you've never once had to dip into your year supply of food because you always make sure spend generous amounts of time in the temple. You can seriously say anything and say it's because of the temple. Or you may want to ask another endowed person to share his or her testimony. Sometimes making up blessings can be rather fatiguing or make you feel a bit dishonest so it's nice to pass that task on to someone else.

We Must Be Faithful to the Covenants We Make in the Temple

Explain that the Lord said, “Unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required” (Luke 12:48). And yet the Church maintains a flat 10% on all of its members for some reason. It's time to raise tithing on the rich.

• How do you think this verse applies to the covenants we make in the temple? It has nothing to do with those covenants. They didn't even exist back in New Testament times. What this has to do with is the way servants behave when their master is away. If they know what their master wants, they should do it; if they don't know and don't do, they should still get beaten up a bit. Not exactly to most moral of lessons.

Explain that the Lord has provided temple ordinances and covenants so that His children can understand the purpose of this life and be prepared for the glorious opportunities of eternal life. This is ridiculous. Every LDS child is taught the "purpose of life" well before they can even pronounce the words let alone comprehend them. We're so saturated with the plan of salvation by the age of 4, we actually think it makes sense. When we receive these blessings, we become accountable to live worthy of our increased knowledge and opportunities. You've learned little to nothing (a secret name, the discomfort of garments, some Freemasonry and a new format for group prayer) and the increased opportunities are delusional. Do we honestly think knowing the Sure Sign of the Nail is going to unlock another level of heaven to us? Please. Emphasize that we must be faithful to the covenants made in the temple.

• Why is it so important to be faithful to the covenants we make in the temple? Because you just said we must be. Because if we're not we won't get the, um... "blessings"? Because if we stop wearing garments we'll lose our divine fire insurance? Because if we turn on our temple covenants God will ship us off to live with Satan in Outer Darkness? What's the answer?

Ask the class members to read Doctrine and Covenants 82:10. Ah! Because God will cut us loose! Scary!

President Joseph Fielding Smith said: “I say unto you the Lord is not bound, unless you keep the covenant. God already said that in D&C. The Lord never breaks his covenant. Just look at rainbows! We haven't had a global flood since Noah! Why? Because the Lord keeps his word. When he makes a covenant with one of us, he will not break it. Hopefully. I mean he's God, he can do what he wants. If it is going to be broken, we will break it. Remember, it is ALWAYS YOUR FAULT. YOU are always the problem. But when it is broken, he is under no obligation to give us the blessing, and we shall not receive it” Call it tough love, but it's sill love. (Doctrines of Salvation, comp. Bruce R. McConkie, 3 vols. [1954–56], 2:256–57).

“I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise” (D&C 82:10). Yes, repeat it! Plant it deep into their loamy gray matter!

Faithfulness to Our Covenants Will Bring Peace and Safety

Explain that the temple is a place of peace and a sanctuary in a troubled world. In this sanctuary you will be herded blindly (your first time) into threatening talk of Satan and discussions about how evil the world is. Very peaceful stuff. :S As we attend the temple regularly and are faithful to our covenants, we will find peace, safety, and direction in our lives. Unless, of course, you don't. Some people find the temple troubling and meaningless. We wonder why the Church still practices Joseph's version of temple worship.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell said, “If we will keep our covenants, the covenants will keep us spiritually safe” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1987, 87; or Ensign, May 1987, 71). In other words, watch yourselves or Satan will get you!

• In what ways have the covenants you have made thus far helped to keep you spiritually safe? I was taught that getting baptized and receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost was going to keep me straight, but I could never sort out when it was influencing me. What I'm saying is that I don't believe I have been kept safe.

Point out that in the temple we covenant to live worthy to return to the presence of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Which you've already done at baptism. Sometimes, in the midst of our daily struggles, we may wonder if such living is possible. Only if we're constantly repenting for being weak, stupid beings who need to be bathed in god blood.

Ask the class members to read 1 Nephi 17:3, 13.

• What do these scriptures teach about how the Lord will help as we strive to return to Him? They didn't say anything about how to keep the commandments or if it's even possible as imperfect beings, they just say that if we do God will lead us. How have you seen these scriptures fulfilled in your life? I haven't. I prayed several times a day to be lead by God as a missionary and mostly talked to crazy people. It was very frustrating. Apart from missionary work, it doesn't seem I needed much direction from God. Life was always good for me. I still sought it fervently with no success.

Elder Boyd K. Packer said: “When you come to the temple and receive your endowment, and kneel at the altar and be sealed, you can live an ordinary life and be an ordinary soul—struggling against temptation, failing and repenting, and failing again and repenting, but always determined to keep your covenants. In fact, keep feeling like a failure in need of repentance your whole life because that way you'll be more likely to keep attending church. … Then the day will come when you will receive the benediction: ‘Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things; enter thou into the joy of thy lord’ (Matthew 25:21)” (Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled [1991], 257). Never stop believing that. This is one imaginary carrot you're going to catch!

President Howard W. Hunter invited us to go to the temple often “for the personal blessing of temple worship, for the sanctity and safety which is provided within those hallowed and consecrated walls. "Blessing blessing blessing!" It's a blessing you're spending hours in a quiet earthquake proof building. You have less of a chance of being in a building that will collapse on you. The temple is a place of beauty, it is a place of revelation, it is a place of peace. But not for everyone. Some find its aesthetic to be in bad taste, its teachings to be jarringly stupid, and the general vibe extremely unsettling. It is the house of the Lord. Don't trip on his shoes on your way in. It is holy unto the Lord. Trust us. God loves veiled women. It should be holy unto us” Whatever God likes we need to like too. (quoted in Jay M. Todd, “President Howard W. Hunter,” Ensign, July 1994, 5).

Conclusion

Ask class members to share their feelings about the blessings of receiving the temple ordinances and making covenants with Heavenly Father. How can they when they haven't been through the temple and received those "blessings"? Are you asking how they feel about the idea of getting blessed for participating in temple ceremonies? I feel like God has to have some serious issues if he can only bless his children if they sit through these absurd temple ordinances (which have not even been detailed yet - and this lesson promised particulars!). I also feel like baptism by proper authority is only slightly less absurd. I feel like an all loving god could have set up a much more better system for teaching his billions of children.

If time permits and the video presentation Together Forever is available in your area, you may want to show the presentation. You do not want to watch this video. It's godawful.

Bear testimony about the blessings of receiving the temple ordinances and the privilege of entering into covenants with Heavenly Father. You already did this earlier in the lesson so just say with quiver in your voice and a tear in your eye that you KNOW! Heavenly Father wants to bless us so badly and WILL! if we humbly seek to make and keep the sacred temple covenants! No further testifying is necessary. Thank you.

Temple prep - "Not without Opposition"

The following text is taken from the pamphlet "Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple" (2002) and annotated by me.

Temples are the very center of the spiritual strength of the Church. That's right, all of you who are too young to go to the temple or who only attend you're 3 hours of block meetings on Sunday, do family home evening on Monday, manage Boy Scouts on Tuesday, help with Mutual on Wednesday, and go to Relief Society enrichment events on Thursday, and help move a neighbor on Saturday, YOU'RE PERIPHERICAL, you're just flies buzzing around the outhouse. Start going to the temple every Friday. We should expect that the adversary will try to interfere with us as a Church and with us individually as we seek to participate in this sacred and inspired work. Fear the Devil, kids. Assume that anyone and anything that might distract you is a tool of Satan. There be witches about and they're after you! The interference can vary from the terrible persecutions of the earlier days to apathy toward the work. That's right. If you're not gung ho about all this, you're under the influence of the Evil One! The latter is perhaps the most dangerous and debilitating form of resistance to temple work. The greatest lie Satan ever convinced us of is that he doesn't exist! The Boogeyman is real!

Temple work brings so much resistance because it is the source of so much spiritual power to the Latter-day Saints, and to the entire Church. Not because it's the source of much boredom, bafflement, annoyance, discomfort, silliness, and emptiness?

At the Logan Temple cornerstone dedication, President George Q. Cannon made this statement:

Every foundation stone that is laid for a Temple, and every Temple completed according to the order the Lord has revealed for his holy Priesthood, lessens the power of Satan on the earth, and increases the power of God and Godliness, moves the heavens in mighty power in our behalf, invokes and calls down upon us the blessings of the Eternal Gods, and those who reside in their presence. So I guess the world has gotten a heck of a lot better over the past 150 years. We have so many temples now, Satan must be horribly weak by now. (In “The Logan Temple,” Millennial Star, 12 Nov. 1877, page 743.)

"Satan, I renounce thee! Now take me back to the temple!"

When members of the Church are troubled or when crucial decisions weigh heavily upon their minds, it is a common thing for them to go to the temple. This is because they have been advised by Church leaders to take their problems to the temple, so they do. It is a good place to take our cares. So says another LDS apostle. Thanks, Boyd (R.I.P.). In the temple we can receive spiritual perspective. By staring at the backs of others heads while we watch a shit movie? You've got to be joking. There, during the time of the temple service, we are “out of the world.” You put "out of the world" in parentheses because we're really not. We're just pretending.

A large part of the value of these occasions is the fact that we are doing something for someone that they cannot do for themselves. And believe me, sitting on your ass in a comfy chair for a couple hours is a much better way to help someone than rolling up your sleeves and breaking a sweat outside in the world where your living and breathing neighbors live. Don't doubt that Jesus would have sat in air conditioning watching movies instead of treading dusty roads lined with sick people and prostitutes had he been given the chance. As we perform the endowment for someone who is dead, somehow we feel a little less hesitant to pray fervently to the Lord to assist us. I've never heard anyone say this ever. When young married couples have decisions to make, if they are near a temple there is great value in attending a session. It reminds the young couple that they should be giving the church more money and having more children to baptize. There is something cleansing and clarifying about the spiritual atmosphere of the temple. Is there? What is that something? What are you talking about? This sounds like BS.

Sometimes our minds are so beset with problems, and there are so many things clamoring for attention at once, that we just cannot think clearly and see clearly. So go to the temple to work on deciphering all the arcane symbolism! :S At the temple the dust of distraction seems to settle out, the fog and the haze seem to lift, and we can “see” things that we were not able to see before and find a way through our troubles that we had not previously known. Kids, just go on a hike or sit by a river for fuck's sake. Learn to meditate or something. Don't work through life's problems by watching a stupid dramatic production about how Satan is after you.

The Lord will bless us as we attend to the sacred ordinance work of the temples. Generic blessings or do you have something specific in mind? Blessings there will not be limited to our temple service. Why not? Why would we go to the temple and expect blessings not associated with temple attendance? We will be blessed in all of our affairs. Are you saying we'll see extra financial benefits at work? I'm pretty sure in the temple movie Satan promises Adam and Eve money... We will be eligible to have the Lord take an interest in our affairs both spiritual and temporal. Awesome! You really are promising temporal blessings like Satan did! Great job. I'm reconverted to temple attendance. :S

Temple prep - New Era "Feeling the Spirit more Abundantly"

Ashley Tuft, 20, Texas, USA

Before I went through the temple, I didn’t know exactly what to expect. Because no one tells you. It's secret. I read the booklet Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple and took a temple preparation class. Neither of which told you jack shit because the temple is too secret. That helped me be more prepared for receiving my own endowment. I can't imagine how. It certainly doesn't tell you what to expect. When I went to the temple for the first time, I was not nervous like I thought I would be, because I felt peace. I had the opposite experience. I went in confident and became increasingly nervous and humiliated as the charade of madness progressed. The temple workers were all very friendly and made sure I knew where to go the whole time I was at the temple. Friendly, yes, but they only tell you what you have to do as you have to do it.

During the endowment, I made covenants with my Father in Heaven and in return was promised many beautiful blessings and gifts of knowledge. Beautifully vague promises (it makes it easier for you to "discover" them later on). Like other ordinances, including baptism, the endowment ordinance is very symbolic. Mormon symbolism is the most profound. Before I went through the endowment session, a temple worker told me that I may have many questions by the end of the session. Did you? What were they? Because there are so many symbols, it’s impossible to understand everything at once. That’s why I think it’s so important to return to the temple as often as possible. Polly want a cracker? Did anyone explain the symbolism during the subsequent visits? Did you have a nice detailed talk about Freemasonry? No.

Since I’ve been to the temple, I’ve felt the Spirit more abundantly in my life. Feelings are awesome! I’ve felt the words that I heard in the temple sink into my heart, and I know that if I do all that I covenanted with my Heavenly Father to do, then I will be blessed. Aren't they the same things you promised at baptism? This ordinance has helped me understand how much Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love each individual person, because we are taught in the temple how to be happy. What? We are? You mean by learning how to banish Satan and await "further light and knowledge from Father"? Well, y'know, if it make you happy...

Temple prep - New Era "Partaking of Eternal Blessings"

Ryan Montgomery, 18, Oregon, USA

Receiving my endowment was the most meaningful experience I’ve had thus far in my life. As I entered the celestial room, I was overcome with a sense of happiness. Feelings, nothing but sweet, delicious feelings! My parents are divorced, but when I entered the celestial room, they were both able to be there with me. Let's at least hope they're still sealed to each other. I felt Heavenly Father’s love for me and for my parents. More feelings! :)

The endowment session itself was unforgettable. Tell me about it. I’ve come to understand that Christ is central to everything we do. Was that not clear to you before? Maybe Mormons really aren't Christian after all. The covenants we make in the temple are focused on Him. No, they're not. They're focused on your money and your genitals. The endowment ceremony is focused on Him. It's definitely more focused on Adam, Elohim and Satan. Even the temple structure and decor are designed to teach us about Christ. Symbols of Him are everywhere in the house of the Lord. Lot's of fish, vines, lambs and crosses then?

It’s not a coincidence that we’re instructed to take upon ourselves the name of Christ and include Him in our everyday lives. You mean at baptism, right? Becoming a Christlike individual is our goal here in this mortal, trial-filled world. You learned to tell enigmatic stories that piss people off? The temple is a place to exhibit Christlike love, learn about Him, and more fully become the Christ-centered person He hopes and longs for us to become. Where do you ever exhibit Christlike love - the prayer circle?? All you learn about him is that he is Jehovah of the Old Testament, but most members know that before they go through. Do you honestly think that memorizing magic words and handshakes is what Christ was all about?

The endowment, aside from being one of the most beautiful experiences in my life, is a necessity in order to fully comprehend how we can return to our Father in Heaven. Now you're talking about the Masonic signs, yes? The endowment has given me the power and knowledge essential to partake of eternal blessings. Yes, of course, never doubt that you'll breeze right into the Celestial Kingdom with what you've learned!