Temple prep - Endowed from on High "Lesson 2"

I'm reading the Church Education System's manual for temple preparation and adding my two cents. Text found here.

Objective

“It would be the deepest desire of my heart to have every member of the Church be temple worthy. Probably because that would mean they've all professed faith in you as a prophet, Howard, and that they're all paying full membership fees. I would hope that every adult member would be worthy of—and carry—a current temple recommend” Maybe in the Millennium. (President Howard W. Hunter).

To help class members understand that they must be worthy to enter the temple. If the students of this course haven't been hearing the call to worthiness at this point in their lives as Mormons, what makes you think they'll hear it now?

Preparation

1. Well in advance of this lesson, invite the bishop or branch president to present information about the process of obtaining a temple recommend. Make sure everyone understands that he will ask them each privately, behind closed doors if they ever think about sex or masturbate in any way. Suggested material for this presentation is provided on pages 10–11 in the section “The Process of Obtaining a Temple Recommend Is a Blessing.” With a title like that I might just have to give it a read! Talk about selling bullshit as blessings! If the bishop is not available, you could ask one of his counselors to make the presentation. Counselors will also ask you about self-arousal if given the chance.
   
2. Write the following quotation on the chalkboard or a poster: “I invite all members of the Church to live with ever more attention to the life and example of the Lord Jesus Christ” Jesus never ever masturbated, but he loved to sit teens down and ask if they have. (President Howard W. Hunter, in Conference Report, Oct. 1994, 7; or Ensign, Nov. 1994, 8).
   

Lesson Presentation

Ask class members if they have any questions. About what? You haven't even introduced the topic yet and the first lesson was too safe to incite any kind of questions, so unless these kids have read something on their own (from the Internet, say) they won't have anything to ask. Take the time required to answer questions to the best of your ability and as guided by the Lord’s Spirit. Here's a question: What are the temple penalties I keep hearing about online? Remember that some aspects of temple work must not be discussed outside the temple. Like abolished oaths? They're no longer part of the temple so we can talk about them, can't we?

Explain that those who enter the temple must show their faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ by living the gospel and keeping the commandments. Like everyone has to do before they're baptized or when they take the sacrament? I'm not sure these kids will feel very informed by this information. They must be morally clean, pay a full tithing, obey the Word of Wisdom, keep the Sabbath day holy, and strive to live righteously in all other ways. In other words, no sex in thought or deed, you're paying your full financial dues, you only drink caffeine in the form of energy drinks and sodas, you do whatever your parents tell you is enough to "keep the Sabbath day holy", and you're generally a very sweet person who probably never curses. They must also be interviewed by the bishop or branch president and the stake or mission president and be found worthy to receive a temple recommend. These leaders have a special sixth sense that allows them to see into your soul and discern whether you're being honest with them. It's very spiritual. Don't be nervous. This lesson will review some of the gospel principles and commandments that the class members must be living in order to worthily attend the temple. The one's listed above, right? Let's do this!

Moral Cleanliness

Explain that the Lord and His prophets have repeatedly taught the great importance of being morally clean. Don't worry, I've already covered it! President Gordon B. Hinckley taught: “We believe in chastity before marriage and total fidelity after marriage. That sums it up. Does it? What about couples who like to watch porn together or husbands who rape their wives? In both cases the partners are still being faithful but I seriously doubt the Church approves of either. That is the way to happiness in living. Except for those people who find happiness in polyamory, like Joseph Smith, Brigham Young and so many others. That is the way to satisfaction. Not that you would know, Gordon. You probably didn't get a hard on until you were kneeling across from Marjorie at the temple alter. It brings peace to the heart and peace to the home” At least to your heart and home. (in Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 68; or Ensign, Nov. 1996, 49).

Read together the following scriptures:

Doctrine and Covenants 42:22–24 (The Lord has commanded us to love our spouse and not to seek after anyone else; He has commanded us not to commit adultery.) The crazy think is that Joseph, the man who received this "revelation", went behind his wife's back numerous times! Emma never approved of one of his polygamous marriages before it actually happened and only approved of a couple for a very short time. That's why Joseph came up with Section 132 to threaten her with "destruction".

Doctrine and Covenants 121:45 (The Lord has commanded us to “let virtue garnish [our] thoughts unceasingly.”) Looking at the context, the term "virtue" here probably doesn't mean abstinence from sex, but more likely "good things in general".

1 Timothy 4:12 (We are to be examples of purity.) Looking at context again, it looks like "purity" probably isn't specifically referencing virginity or abstinance, but a more general freedom form sin or blemish.

1 Nephi 10:21 (No unclean thing can dwell with God.) God's very understanding about how flawed his children are. He's an awesome dad like that.

Articles of Faith 1:13 (We believe in being chaste and virtuous.) Let's not conflate chastity with virtue, please. Hey, at least you finally got one that definitely addresses sex, even if it's pretty vague.

• Why does the Lord place so much emphasis on moral cleanliness? We'll find out in the next life. Until then we can only guess. I'm guessing he doesn't like sloppy seconds.
• What are some of the results of immorality that we can see in the world around us? Girls getting raped at parties! Boys, unless she give her full consent, it's a "no"! Keep it in your pants, fuckwads! What are some of the blessings of living a morally clean life? No STDs and no surprise pregnancies! Do those count as blessings or just watching your ass?

Direct class members’ attention to the quotation you have written on the chalkboard or a poster (see the “Preparation” section in this lesson).

• How can this counsel help us and our children to resist worldly temptations and live morally clean lives? Well if we do what Jesus did and live the way he asked us to, we'll live as vagrants without money which means we won't be materialistic assholes. We'll be free of all the consumerist trash we collect and discard into the oceans and landfills. We will leave the world a cleaner place than if we had followed the temptations to spend all our money on ourselves.

 

Tithing

Ask the class members to read Doctrine and Covenants 119:4.

Point out that the First Presidency has given the following explanation of a proper tithe: “The simplest statement we know of is the statement of the Lord himself, namely, that the members of the Church should pay ‘one-tenth of all their interest annually,’ which is understood to mean income” (First Presidency letter, 19 Mar. 1970). Gross or net? Should we also explain that the commandment to tithe came after a failed commandment to live by the United Order? Tithing funds are used to build meetinghouses and temples, to sustain missionary work, and to build the kingdom of God on earth. By investing in malls, ranches, farms, apartments and many other forms of real estate! Grow, kingdom, grow!

Share the following statement by President James E. Faust:

“Tithing is a principle that is fundamental to the personal happiness and well-being of the Church members worldwide, both rich and poor. But please try to be rich. Tithing is a principle of sacrifice and a key to the opening of the windows of heaven. … Members of the Church who do not tithe do not lose their membership; they only lose blessings” Don't miss out on the "blessings! (in Conference Report, Oct. 1998, 73–74; or Ensign, Nov. 1998, 58–59).

Review with class members the following scriptures:

Leviticus 27:30 (Tithing is the Lord’s; it is holy unto the Lord.) God needs your money. Believe that!

Malachi 3:8–11 (We rob God when we withhold our tithes; God will abundantly bless those who pay tithing.) God owns your money! Never doubt that. He'll give it back in blessings. Truly.

• What blessings have you received because you have paid tithing? Make something up. Anything. Say you had no money but went grocery shopping anyway and without even asking you the person in front of you paid for everything. God loves seeing you tragically desperate, it's true, but he loves giving you crazy ass stories to share with other Mormons too.
• Why are we robbing God when we withhold our tithing? (See D&C 104:14.) Um, because he already owns everything! Duh! Feel free to will all your properties to the Church when you die, by the way.

Explain that each year members are asked to meet with their bishop or branch president in tithing settlement and declare to him whether they pay a full tithing. This is not a matter that stays between you and the Lord. We're going to check up on this shit. This meeting is an opportunity for members to evaluate how well they are fulfilling this important commandment. Without this meeting you'd never think about it even though we talk about it in church almost every week if not every meeting.

The Word of Wisdom

Explain that before we may enter the temple, the Lord expects us to be free of practices that make our lives unclean and unhealthy, both spiritually and physically. You really need to cut sugar out of your diet, kids. And stop popping your zits.

Read parts or all of the following scriptures:

1 Corinthians 3:16–17 (Our bodies are temples of God and should not be defiled.) You don't want to be destroyed do you? Well God will fucking destroy you if you mess with his temple (aka your body)!

Doctrine and Covenants 89 (This revelation is known as the Word of Wisdom. Verses 1–9 discuss the things we should not take into our bodies; verses 10–17 discuss the things that are good for our bodies; verses 18–21 describe the Lord’s promises to those who keep His commandments.) Oh, I've read this section and discussed it, thank you. The think about this health code is that the LDS Church approaches this banquet of knowledge cafeteria style. A lot of picking and choosing.

• What things in the world today influence us to break the commandments given to us in the Word of Wisdom? Fast food meat, BBQs, snack and candy isles in grocery stores, convenience stores and gas stations, ward pot lucks, church activity refreshments, endless family birthday gatherings, weddings, most prepackaged meals, Pizza Hut commercials and James Bond movies.
• How can we help ourselves and our children to keep the Lord’s laws of health? Plant a vegetable garden, only eat meat in the winter months, start making your own wine and stop drinking hot liquids.

Ask the class members to read Doctrine and Covenants 29:34.

• In what ways do you think obedience to the Word of Wisdom can bless us spiritually as well as physically? We won't be getting drunk, so we'll have clear heads. We won't be using tobacco (except to cure our animals), so we'll better control our thoughts than those who fight a fierce addition craving. We'll be more sensitive toward the deaths of other animals if we're more careful about how often we eat them. We'll learn what food tastes like out of the ground and off the tree instead of out of a plastic microwave dish. We will be more appreciative of the food we have.
• What are some “great treasures of knowledge” (D&C 89:19) we might receive by keeping these commandments? I would say that we'll learn a lot more about food cultivation and preparation, but this mentions "hidden treasures" so I'm tempted to think that God will show us in vision where some Spanish or Nephite gold is hidden. It definitely doesn't refer to having profound thoughts. Try to name even one big name LDS philosopher.

Share the following statement by President Boyd K. Packer:

“What you learn spiritually depends, to a degree, on how you treat your body. That is why the Word of Wisdom is so important. Monks tend to know the most, spiritually thinking. They've really disciplined their bodies.

“The habit-forming substances prohibited by that revelation—tea, coffee, liquor, tobacco—interfere with the delicate feelings of spiritual communication, just as other addictive drugs will do. Tea doesn't really fuck with your head at all. Green tea is actually good for you. Skipping daily coffees can give you a headache, but then again so will skipping your daily parade of Dr Peppers and we all know that the Church is fine with you drinking Dr Pepper. Alcohol can totally fuck you up, though. Be wise about drinking. Tobacco doesn't incapacitate your thinking at all, really, but you have no good reason to use tobacco, so don't.

“Do not ignore the Word of Wisdom, for that may cost you the ‘great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures’ promised to those who keep it. What are those treasures, I wonder? I never saw a list of appropriate answers. And good health is an added blessing” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1994, 78; or Ensign, Nov. 1994, 61). I feel like good health is the whole damn point. Mormons, shape up!

The Sabbath Day

Read together Exodus 20:8–11. God did a lot of resting after the 6 days of Creation, so why is making us work so damn much?Because Adam and Eve screwed up. Makes sense.

Explain that the Lord’s people have always been commanded to keep the Sabbath day holy. Now please explain why the Lord is so hung up on the earthly week scheduling and why he only chooses a select few to be his people. The Lord has promised great blessings to those who do so. Great, more "blessings".

Ask the class members to read Doctrine and Covenants 59:9–13. Oh, wow! This is definitely not how LDS Mormons keep their Sabbath! Do nothing besides the sacrament, confess sins and eat easy to prepare foods? That's crazy! Hasn't the Lord heard of Sunday dinner, the biggest most elaborate meal of the week? And what about all our meetings and lessons we have to plan for? By the way, Lord, "sacraments" and "oblations" are the same thing. Your dictations are almost as redundant as Joseph Smith's.

• What are the central reasons given by the Lord for keeping the Sabbath day holy? Because God rested so we have to too. It sounds pretty arbitrary, if you ask me.
• In what ways can Doctrine and Covenants 59:9–13 guide our observance of the Sabbath day? We can offer the sacrament to God (even though he doesn't partake of the sacrament), rest from all labors (even if you have something really really important to do), confess our sins (which we usually do a couple times a year on a weekday) and avoid spending a lot of time and energy on our meals (even though Sunday's really the only day we have time to make big exciting meals).
• What are some of the blessings promised to those who properly observe the Sabbath? We'll be "unspotted from the world", whatever the hell that means.

As part of this discussion, share the following principles, taught by Elder James E. Faust:

“Why has God asked us to honor the Sabbath day? The reasons I think are at least threefold. You have to guess too? You were a freaking member of the Top Three for years!! The first has to do with the physical need for rest and renewing. … You don't think people can figure out on their own when to take a break?

“The second reason is, in my opinion, of far greater significance. I hope so. The first reason was bullshit. It has to do with the need for regeneration and the strengthening of our spiritual being. Do you mean something like emotional rejuvenation, or do you honestly think our ghosty spirit things housed inside our bodies get weak somehow? Can ghost, spirits, and phantoms grow weak? …

“The third reason may be the most important of the three. I'm just hoping it makes sense at all. It has to do with obedience to commandments as an expression of our love for God. God's very into being obeyed. Blessed are those who need no reasons other than their love for the Savior to keep his commandments” So the best reason to obey is that Jesus loves those who obey for no reason at all. What? (in Conference Report, Oct. 1991, 46–47; or Ensign, Nov. 1991, 35).

• What are some blessings that have come into your life because you have kept the Sabbath day holy? This is a total wild card. Say absolutely anything. Say that your dog was sick but got better because you took him to the vet on Monday rather than Sunday. Say you felt hungry but happy. Say you found an old EFY soundtrack and played it and it was really moving. Make anything up at all.

Ask the class members to commit themselves to live by the commandments discussed today: moral cleanliness, tithing, the Word of Wisdom, and Sabbath day observance. Haven't they already committed themselves several times over? Why not just remind them that these are commitments they accepted at baptism? Why do you have to put this pressure on them right now? Then they will be better prepared to attend the temple and will receive the Lord’s blessings more abundantly. So far the students have learned little to nothing in this class that will actually prepare them for the secret ceremonies of the LDS temple.

The Process of Obtaining a Temple Recommend Is a Blessing

Explain that before members can go to the temple, they must each be found worthy to receive a temple recommend. The students all know this. Skip ahead. As explained in the following statement, the process of obtaining this recommend can bless the life of each person:

“The bishop has the responsibility of making inquiries into our personal worthiness. This interview is of great importance to you as a member of the Church, for it is an occasion to explore with an ordained servant of the Lord the pattern of your life. Ordained but untrained. Let's tell it like it is: this is an obligatory disclosure of your life to that one neighbor dude. If anything is amiss in your life, the bishop will be able to help you resolve it. Well he'll try anyway. Let's not forget that he likely has no training in counseling. Through this procedure, as you counsel with the common judge in Israel, you can declare or can be helped to establish your worthiness to enter the temple with the Lord’s approval” Bishop's approval. The Lord doesn't sign your recommend. (Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple, 3).

“I … invite the members of the Church to establish the temple of the Lord as the great symbol of their membership and the supernal setting for their most sacred covenants” It is a phallic symbol showing wealth and power, a bit like the temple robes. (President Howard W. Hunter).

Explain that the bishop or branch president and the stake or mission president interview all those seeking a temple recommend for the first time and those planning to be married in the temple. Now hand out the questions they will be asked in these interviews, please. Counselors in the bishopric and the stake presidency may interview those seeking renewal of their temple recommends. Parents, be wise and protect your children from invasive questioning of your teens by a grown man in a closed office.

At this time, have the bishop or branch president or one of the counselors in the bishopric make his presentation about temple recommends. What should the instructor have this special visitor talk about? All the decent kids he's deeply embarrassed and sent home crying? Or should he just stick to the typical PR script? He should not read the actual interview questions in a group setting, but he can present ideas about what class members can expect when they are interviewed for a temple recommend. Why are these questions being kept secret? Why does this have to be a surprise attack? Why does anyone even have to verbalize an answer to these questions to another man rather than to God alone? The following statements may be used as a guide:

Members seeking a temple recommend should have testimonies of Heavenly Father, of the Lord Jesus Christ, and of the Holy Ghost. Should but don't have to. They should sustain the Lord’s prophet, the other General Authorities, and their local Church leaders. They should but it's not necessary. They should not sympathize with or be affiliated with groups or individuals who have apostatized from the Church or whose teachings or practices are contrary to the gospel. They certainly shouldn't but who can stop them, you know?

Those seeking recommends should be faithfully attending sacrament meetings, priesthood meetings, and other Church meetings. They should but a lot of times we have better things to do. They should be conscientiously carrying out their callings given through priesthood authority. They should even if those callings are essentially designed to make you feel important and productive even though they're not actual work. They should be striving to keep all of the Lord’s commandments, including paying a full tithe, being honest in word and deed, and abstaining from the use of tea, coffee, alcohol, tobacco, and other harmful and habit-forming substances. They should but if they couldn't care less about this sort of silliness that's OK too.

They should be living pure and virtuous lives and should be obeying the Lord’s law of chastity, which prohibits sexual relations with anyone other than the spouse to whom they are lawfully wedded. They should but we're all sexual being and need sexual fulfillment from time to time to be truly fulfilled. It's fine, God made us this way. They should be in harmony with gospel principles in both spiritual and physical relationships with other members of their families. They should except when they're family really sucks. They must not be involved in any spiritual, physical, mental, or emotional abuse of others. I absolutely agree! So step out of the bishops office right now and never again allow him to submit you to this spiritual, mental and emotional abuse!

They must be willing to confess their sins and forsake them. If you fight with your mom again, you'll be guilty of all the previously repented of fights again and God will have one more reason to not want to see your disgusting little face again. Serious sins, such as moral transgressions, abuse of family members, affiliation with apostate groups or practices, or serious violations of the laws of the land, must be confessed to the bishop or branch president well in advance of a temple-recommend interview. Don't worry, he can't report you to the law or anything. These confessions are protected by law. If a person’s conscience, which is the Light of Christ given to all people, raises a question in the person’s mind about whether something should be discussed with the bishop or branch president, it should probably be discussed. On second thought, every question you will be asked will cause some level of doubt. You'll have to think quickly and carefully about what the question means to you, what you think it means to the bishop and how best to answer it to put you both at ease. No one has time to listen to you go off about each and every doubt you have, especially when they can just read it at their leisure on your blog.

 

Those who have been divorced may need clearance from the bishop or branch president and the stake or mission president before obtaining a temple recommend. Why? They must always adhere to the agreements of the divorce decree, including being current in making support payments. That good. Keep those deadbeat dads out of there!

Members seeking a temple recommend must be interviewed by a member of the stake presidency or by the mission president after being interviewed by a member of the bishopric or by the branch president. Some may wonder why this is necessary. I certainly do. When we seek a temple recommend, we are actually seeking permission from the Lord to enter the temple. So why don't we pray about it alone and keep it between ourselves and the Lord? Let the voices in our head tell us we've gone clear and call it good. We have the privilege of attesting to our worthiness before two witnesses who are the Lord’s authorized servants. "Privilege"? That non-explanation has PR written all over it. It is a blessing to us to affirm before the Lord’s servants our worthiness to enter the holy temple. "Blessing"? Again? How is this a blessing? You keep throwing this word around but when are you going to tell us what you're talking about?

Conclusion

To emphasize the importance of being worthy to attend the temple and always carrying a current temple recommend, review the following statement by President Howard W. Hunter:

“I … invite the members of the Church to establish the temple of the Lord as the great symbol of their membership and the supernal setting for their most sacred covenants. Please don't use any of those worldly Jesus symbols like bread, water, a vine, a rock, or a lamb, and especially not a fish or cross.  It would be the deepest desire of my heart to have every member of the Church be temple worthy. I would hope that every adult member would be worthy of—and carry—a current temple recommend, even if proximity to a temple does not allow immediate or frequent use of it” Wouldn't it be great if everyone thought you were a real prophet and gave money to your organization? (quoted in Jay M. Todd, “President Howard W. Hunter,” Ensign, July 1994, 5).

Bear testimony of the blessings that have come into your life as you have lived worthy to attend the temple. Invent something. Anything. You can say that your boss trusts you more because you have a twinkle in your eye. You can say you're son is doing better in school because you put his name on the prayer list. You can say you found a hidden treasure once (but you hid it again for others to find and enjoy). Just say something. And cry a little bit. But whatever you do, don't make any hardline promises. We'd hate for these kids to have real expectations!

Temple prep - "Not without Opposition"

The following text is taken from the pamphlet "Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple" (2002) and annotated by me.

Temples are the very center of the spiritual strength of the Church. That's right, all of you who are too young to go to the temple or who only attend you're 3 hours of block meetings on Sunday, do family home evening on Monday, manage Boy Scouts on Tuesday, help with Mutual on Wednesday, and go to Relief Society enrichment events on Thursday, and help move a neighbor on Saturday, YOU'RE PERIPHERICAL, you're just flies buzzing around the outhouse. Start going to the temple every Friday. We should expect that the adversary will try to interfere with us as a Church and with us individually as we seek to participate in this sacred and inspired work. Fear the Devil, kids. Assume that anyone and anything that might distract you is a tool of Satan. There be witches about and they're after you! The interference can vary from the terrible persecutions of the earlier days to apathy toward the work. That's right. If you're not gung ho about all this, you're under the influence of the Evil One! The latter is perhaps the most dangerous and debilitating form of resistance to temple work. The greatest lie Satan ever convinced us of is that he doesn't exist! The Boogeyman is real!

Temple work brings so much resistance because it is the source of so much spiritual power to the Latter-day Saints, and to the entire Church. Not because it's the source of much boredom, bafflement, annoyance, discomfort, silliness, and emptiness?

At the Logan Temple cornerstone dedication, President George Q. Cannon made this statement:

Every foundation stone that is laid for a Temple, and every Temple completed according to the order the Lord has revealed for his holy Priesthood, lessens the power of Satan on the earth, and increases the power of God and Godliness, moves the heavens in mighty power in our behalf, invokes and calls down upon us the blessings of the Eternal Gods, and those who reside in their presence. So I guess the world has gotten a heck of a lot better over the past 150 years. We have so many temples now, Satan must be horribly weak by now. (In “The Logan Temple,” Millennial Star, 12 Nov. 1877, page 743.)

"Satan, I renounce thee! Now take me back to the temple!"

When members of the Church are troubled or when crucial decisions weigh heavily upon their minds, it is a common thing for them to go to the temple. This is because they have been advised by Church leaders to take their problems to the temple, so they do. It is a good place to take our cares. So says another LDS apostle. Thanks, Boyd (R.I.P.). In the temple we can receive spiritual perspective. By staring at the backs of others heads while we watch a shit movie? You've got to be joking. There, during the time of the temple service, we are “out of the world.” You put "out of the world" in parentheses because we're really not. We're just pretending.

A large part of the value of these occasions is the fact that we are doing something for someone that they cannot do for themselves. And believe me, sitting on your ass in a comfy chair for a couple hours is a much better way to help someone than rolling up your sleeves and breaking a sweat outside in the world where your living and breathing neighbors live. Don't doubt that Jesus would have sat in air conditioning watching movies instead of treading dusty roads lined with sick people and prostitutes had he been given the chance. As we perform the endowment for someone who is dead, somehow we feel a little less hesitant to pray fervently to the Lord to assist us. I've never heard anyone say this ever. When young married couples have decisions to make, if they are near a temple there is great value in attending a session. It reminds the young couple that they should be giving the church more money and having more children to baptize. There is something cleansing and clarifying about the spiritual atmosphere of the temple. Is there? What is that something? What are you talking about? This sounds like BS.

Sometimes our minds are so beset with problems, and there are so many things clamoring for attention at once, that we just cannot think clearly and see clearly. So go to the temple to work on deciphering all the arcane symbolism! :S At the temple the dust of distraction seems to settle out, the fog and the haze seem to lift, and we can “see” things that we were not able to see before and find a way through our troubles that we had not previously known. Kids, just go on a hike or sit by a river for fuck's sake. Learn to meditate or something. Don't work through life's problems by watching a stupid dramatic production about how Satan is after you.

The Lord will bless us as we attend to the sacred ordinance work of the temples. Generic blessings or do you have something specific in mind? Blessings there will not be limited to our temple service. Why not? Why would we go to the temple and expect blessings not associated with temple attendance? We will be blessed in all of our affairs. Are you saying we'll see extra financial benefits at work? I'm pretty sure in the temple movie Satan promises Adam and Eve money... We will be eligible to have the Lord take an interest in our affairs both spiritual and temporal. Awesome! You really are promising temporal blessings like Satan did! Great job. I'm reconverted to temple attendance. :S

Temple prep - "Worthy to Enter"

The following text is taken from the pamphlet "Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple" (2002) and annotated by me.

Once you have some feeling for the value of temple blessings and for the sacredness of the ordinances performed in the temple, you would be hesitant to question the high standards set by the Lord for entrance into the holy temple. All the Church offers is feelings about so-called blessings and sacredness. It would really be fantastic if someone would lay it all out for us to work through. But the Church isn't doing that right now. Instead we get semi-threatening language about how we "would be hesitant to question" this whole temple thing.

You must possess a current recommend to be admitted to the temple. We know. This recommend must be signed by the bishop of your ward and the president of your stake. OK. Sounds serious... In the mission field, of course, the branch president and the mission president have responsibility for issuing temple recommends. Of course. Only those who are worthy should go to the temple. But a lot of unworthy assholes who shouldn't do too! :( Why can't the bishop and stake president sniff them out? The bishop has the responsibility of making inquiries into our personal worthiness. This interview is of great importance to you as a member of the Church, for it is an occasion to explore with an ordained servant of the Lord the pattern of your life. Ordained but untrained. Let's tell it like it is: this is an obligatory disclosure of your life to that one neighbor dude. If anything is amiss in your life, the bishop will be able to help you resolve it. Well he'll try anyway. Let's not forget that he likely has no training in counseling. Through this procedure, as you counsel with the common judge in Israel, you can declare or can be helped to establish your worthiness to enter the temple with the Lord’s approval. Bishop's approval. The Lord doesn't sign your recommend.

President N. Eldon Tanner, who served as First Counselor in the First Presidency, spoke to the general priesthood meeting about interviews. His counsel has meaning both for the Church leaders who conduct the interview and for the members who are to be interviewed. Consider carefully this counsel:

You bishops and stake presidents might approach an interview for a temple recommend something like this:

“You have come to me for a recommend to enter the temple. I have the responsibility of representing the Lord in interviewing you. What a humble approach. :S At the conclusion of the interview there is provision for me to sign your recommend; but mine is not the only important signature on your recommend. Before the recommend is valid, you must sign it yourself. Sounds tricky! :S

“When you sign your recommend, you make a commitment to the Lord that you are worthy of the privileges granted to those who hold such a recommend. When did Jesus ask us to sign a piece of paper? There are several standard questions that I will ask. … You are to respond honestly to each one.” Because you can tell? …

Now, after you have put those required questions to the applicant, you may wish to add something like this: “One who goes into the house of the Lord must be free from any unclean, unholy, impure, or unnatural practice.” Wait! What are the questions? Is this a pop quiz or can we see the questions? …

Our interviews must be conducted in love, in modesty. Try by conducting them as a friend instead of pretending you're standing in for Jesus. Ofttimes things can be corrected if you ask: “Would there be a reason you may feel uncomfortable or perhaps even dishonest to the Lord if you were to sign your own temple recommend? Dig up the guilt, brother! DIG!! You might want to start using an E-meter.

“Would you like a little time to get some very personal things in order before you sign it? Remember, the Lord knows all things and will not be mocked. YES! Scare them! Terrify them! God will smite them if they're lying! We are trying to help you. Never lie to try to obtain a call, a recommend, or a blessing from the Lord.” Excellent! Passively accuse them of lying! Very good approach.

If you approach the matter as outlined above, the member has the responsibility to interview himself. Because there's not way providing members with the questions and asking them to prayerfully consider their answers on their own would get them to answer honestly. The bishop or stake president has the right to the power of discernment. He will know whether or not there is something amiss that ought to be settled before a recommend is issued. Except when they don't (which is almost always). (“The Blessing of Church Interviews,” Ensign [November 1978]: 42–43.)

The interview for a temple recommend is conducted privately between the bishop and the Church member concerned. (Or the stake president.) Here the member is asked searching questions about his or her personal conduct, worthiness, and loyalty to the Church and its officers. Searching that members could do on their own. The bishop can butt out. The person must certify that he or she is morally clean and is keeping the Word of Wisdom, paying a full tithing, living in harmony with the teachings of the Church, and not maintaining any affiliation or sympathy with apostate groups. Whoa! You basically gave us the questions! Thank you! Can we talk a bit about these topics? Does "morally clean" include faking it until we make it? Does proof that we keep the word of wisdom involve checking how much meat we eat or a test to see if we can "walk and not faint"? Is a full tithe based on gross, net or expendable income? Does these mean we have to actively oppose gay rights? Do we have to avoid our cousins and siblings who have left the Church and always attend Sunstone and Dialog conferences? The bishop is instructed that confidentiality in handling these matters with each interviewee is of the utmost importance. And we just kind of trust them.

Acceptable answers to the bishop’s questions will ordinarily establish the worthiness of an individual to receive a temple recommend. But they don't always have the power of discernment. If an applicant is not keeping the commandments or there is something unsettled about his or her life that needs putting in order, it will be necessary for that individual to demonstrate true repentance before a temple recommend is issued. Typically that demonstration takes the form of public shaming in the form of not being able to take the sacrament on Sundays or privately in the form of paying up on tithing.

After the bishop has conducted such an interview, a member of the stake presidency likewise interviews each of us before we go to the temple. Because bishops don't do a very good job. They really should get some E-meters. If we are going for the first time, ordinarily the stake president personally conducts the interview. Because... why? Is this supposed to be comforting or is it just an arbitrary rule you thought you'd share?

Surely, when you appear to be interviewed for a temple recommend you would accept the judgment of him who is designated as the judge in Israel, who is responsible to represent the Lord in determining whether or not it is proper for you to enter this sacred place. Sure, I guess. Unless he's a total idiot or complete dick. Have you ever heard of the leadership roulette?

Mormon vs. secular - the meaning of life

The LDS Church is very proud of how it answers the question "why are we here?" Mormons totally know what it's all about:

CHOICES!

"Pick a side, breh!"

Life, dear brothers and sisters, is one big test. Heavenly Father wants us to prove to him that we can make the right choices while in our mortal bodies (hint: choose the right, y'all!)

Here's how it works: Heavenly Father gave us free agency on earth in part so we could experience the joy of being wrong from time to time in order to learn how to be right all the time. God wants us to be perfect, just like he is, but that requires a fierce trial of our faith (God's very into testing our fidelity, BTW).  Part of that trial involves an invisible host tempting us and trying to deceive us. We have to figure out when those devils are speaking to us. See, God wants us to make mistakes so we can learn, BUT he also hates mistakes because they're either totally below him or just down right evil (he refers to many human shortcomings as sin) and won't let anyone around him who makes them. So what he did was make a law that it's OK to kill a perfect someone (in our case Jesus) to somehow make up for all the bad decisions we're responsible for. So we're responsible for learning to being better but mostly just responsible for learning about Jesus and being grateful to God for killing him sacrificially to himself for us. In other words, he needs to know that we are smart enough to accept the Atonement for all the mistakes we've made, and we do that by being baptized and then joyfully sitting in church for three hours on Sunday and various other long hours throughout the week.

Sign us up for team Most High God!

It's not too hard to see why someone might not get on board with this plan right away - mostly because that whole vicarious sacrificial atonement part makes absolutely no sense. Satan (our spirit brother formerly known by his Latin moniker, Lucifer) was one of those spirits who didn't like God's plan, and - even though God's plan clearly called for a bunch of rebellious spirits to trip up the non-rebellious as best they could - somehow he was too fucking stupid to realize that by not accepting God's plan he would totally become the sorry ass evil spirit to plague the children of men. So this totally fucking stupid Satan made his own ludicrous plan, in which he would somehow force everyone to behave themselves by somehow denying them any kind of autonomous control of their thoughts and actions (we don't have any more specific details than that) so we'd never make mistakes and all be perfect so God wouldn't have a problem with us being around him after we die. The problem is no one can learn and be happy with someone else making all their decisions for him or her.

Satan's sad evil drone clones.

Now we come back to where we started, according to Mormon thought, to be happy we must make our own decisions. If you don't believe it, just look how unhappy people are under dictators! So make your own choices, learn, and learn to be happy. Just make doubly goddamn sure you believe killing Jesus magically liberates you of your every sin and weakness, get baptized, become a member of the One True Church, pay 10% of your gross income to the Church, attend your weekly Sunday meetings, eat enchanted bread and pretend it's Jesus meat, drink enchanted water and pretend it's Jesus blood, think how the Brethren tell you to think, find another Mormon of the opposite sex who does all of the above, marry that person of the opposite sex in the House of the Lord, have sex, make babies, and teach them these marvelous truths... because otherwise God's going to be pissed and he won't let you hang out with him ever again!

"Shoo!"

What's that? You don't like how this is panning out? It doesn't sound meaningful enough? It sounds downright arbitrary? Really? Well what does the secular world offer you here? Is it any better? What according to the secular thought is life all about? I'll tell you: NOT MUCH!

Lame! You stole this from Jesus!

Waaa! You're so persecuted!

Secularist think you can make up your own meaning of life! They actually think you have the ability to come up with your own reasons for living! It's absurd! Find your niche and thrive in it, they say. Where would such absolute autonomy over your own life come from? Why not just accept and conform your life to Mormon meaning of life? It's easier and guaranteed to make you a god.

Heavenly fatherliness #25 - Encouraging family members

According to popular belief, a good father encourages family members.

Does Heavenly Father do this? Does he encourage us? If you're like me, you were told that God is always pleading with us to live a righteous and holy life, and doesn't that sound a hell of a lot like encouragement? And think about all of his prophets who talk to us all the time at General Conference. They encourage the shit out of us!

The thing is that God's encouragement comes via a long list of appeals that any logical person would throw out as irrelevant to righteousness and holiness. He appeals to his authority (he's The Great I Am), to bad consequences (you'll be miserable if you think and do differently), to force (he will destroy us if we disobey or are found unclean), and appeals to wealth (you'll have treasures untold in Heaven, maybe even a harem!). Even should any of these appeals prove true, they do not make God an especially good motivator, just more of a manipulator.

Then again, God's not interested in teaching his children to think. God wants obedience above all - above service and kindness and tolerance. Ignorant faith and blind obedience are worth more than thoughtful disillusionment and disaffection. That sounds like an Asshole Father to me.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Full of what?

The Book of Mormon supposedly contains the "fulness of the Gospel," but what exactly does that mean? For apologists it tends to mean "the good tidings of Jesus' suffering for our sins and his conquering of death" (as though the Creator of the Universe hadn't already proven his power to give life!),  but I would argue that the term as it is actually used in the LDS Church means something more like "everything we need to know and do to reach the Celestial Kingdom where we will be with Heavenly Father and our eternal families." The second definition is encouraged every time the general Church authorities speak of "living the Gospel" and include a number of other doctrines, rites, and behaviors that have nothing to do with faith, repentance, baptism, and receiving the Holy Ghost. Besides, faith, repentance, baptism, and receiving the Holy Ghost are just the first four principles and ordinances, not the complete list.

Mormons know that living the Gospel fully means regular Church attendance, fulfilling service callings in the Church, paying tithing, and doing everything required in the temple, which just happens to include marriage sealings. The Family proclamation states that "Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan" which sounds a lot like the way we talk about faith, repentance, baptism, and receiving the Holy Ghost - the are essential. Not only that, having children and continued posterity, as it turns out, is definitely considered a key component to living the fullness of the Gospel. The Mormon Gospel is not merely that Christ made restitution and resurrection possible for all of us mortal sinners, it's the promise of eternal families who will progress together to godhood. This is the "good news" of Christ that the Church is selling.

Of course, you have to get this from the missionaries and other members exclusively because relying solely on The Book of Mormon will leave the Gospel of Mormonism feeling dated and void.

Living on the edge

Jesus needs our money to make his church work properly. It's as simple as that. Church's don't run on dreams, my friends! So we shouldn't be surprised when our dear leaders make these kinds of demands for our obedience to the law of tithing:

"Bishop Orellana looked at the new convert and said, “If paying tithing means that you can’t pay for water or electricity, pay tithing. If paying tithing means that you can’t pay your rent, pay tithing. Even if paying tithing means that you don’t have enough money to feed your family, pay tithing. The Lord will not abandon you.” (Ensign Dec. 2012)

Sound advice, right? But the promise is clear - the Lord will be with you. We're just not sure how.

"The Lord has commanded us to pay tithing. In return, He promises to “open … the windows of heaven, and pour … out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it” (Malachi 3:10). His blessings, however, come in His own way and in His own time and can be spiritual or temporal." (Ensign Mar. 2013)

That's a great way of saying "Want blessing? Go fish."

If it sounds like fraud to you, or a hoax, or a scam, or a pay-to-play scheme, you're not alone. 

Show me the money

The LDS Church's finances are all entirely secret. Members are required to pay 10% of their income to the Church, plus additional monetary offerings, and yet they have only the foggiest idea of how that money is being spent. Mormons trust the Church is using their money exactly the way Jesus himself would use it. I assume the Church administrators would tell you the same thing and insist that all monies are spent only after prayerful consideration. So why the financial secrecy? What is the Church hiding? Can we trust that all our tithes and offerings are going toward Christ-like endeavors? It's a topic worthy of investigation.

Brainwashing children

By the time I hit high school I started realizing how sickening the Primary songs were. Primary is the name of the Mormon Church's Sunday school program for children ages four to twelve a healthy chunk of which is dedicated to learning and singing songs. 

A few of the songs are about things like a tall snowman melting in the sun, apricot trees blossoming in the Spring, a spider crawling up a rain pipe (not included in the Songbook), and a kind of Simon Says-type number, but those sorts of songs are mostly for the youngest kids only. The older children get to enjoy an exclusive diet of songs that clearly classify as heavy-handed indoctrination efforts.

By far the most beloved of all Mormon songs for children young and old is "I am a Child of God", a little number with intimidating lyrics like "help me to understand His words / Before it grows too late" and carrot waving lyrics like "Celestial glory shall be mine / If I can but endure". This is where it all begins for Mormon children. Kids have to know that they have a Very Real Daddy in Heaven who's more awesome than the one hanging around the house and that if they behave themselves He'll give them a Very Big Treat. Kid's love this song. The music is so earnest. Parents love it too. It's a sure-fire tear jerker when the Primary kids sing it together in front of the whole congregation.

Other classic Mormon brainwashing songs included hits like "I Know My Father Lives" (they know no such thing), "I Hope They Call Me on a Mission" (they have no idea what a mission is or what it's like), the very spooky "Follow the Prophet", the similarly themed "Keep the Commandments", and a bizarre song about loving to see the temple (when they have only the vaguest idea of what goes on in the temple). There's even a song about happily giving money to the Church (little children don't make any money)! Browsing the Children's Songbook will quickly offer up a good many more examples of how Mormons hone passion and dedication for concepts and practices in children long before those concepts can be understood or the practices can be put in place. Mormon children never have a chance of formulating their own opinions or working through independent thoughts because they're taught to keep these songs on repeat in their head at all times.

My teenage self was the truest of true believers when it comes to True Believing Mormons. I was all in and pitied anyone who couldn't see just how clear and simple and perfect the Gospel and the Church were. But I was also considering not allowing any child of mine to go to Singing Time. I seriously doubted the ethics of placing a child inside the brainwashing machine. But, instead of exploring the implications of unethical treatment of children in the Church, I moved forward with faith, went to the temple, and served a mission just as the primary songs taught me to do.