Temple prep - Endowed from on High "Lesson 2"

I'm reading the Church Education System's manual for temple preparation and adding my two cents. Text found here.

Objective

“It would be the deepest desire of my heart to have every member of the Church be temple worthy. Probably because that would mean they've all professed faith in you as a prophet, Howard, and that they're all paying full membership fees. I would hope that every adult member would be worthy of—and carry—a current temple recommend” Maybe in the Millennium. (President Howard W. Hunter).

To help class members understand that they must be worthy to enter the temple. If the students of this course haven't been hearing the call to worthiness at this point in their lives as Mormons, what makes you think they'll hear it now?

Preparation

1. Well in advance of this lesson, invite the bishop or branch president to present information about the process of obtaining a temple recommend. Make sure everyone understands that he will ask them each privately, behind closed doors if they ever think about sex or masturbate in any way. Suggested material for this presentation is provided on pages 10–11 in the section “The Process of Obtaining a Temple Recommend Is a Blessing.” With a title like that I might just have to give it a read! Talk about selling bullshit as blessings! If the bishop is not available, you could ask one of his counselors to make the presentation. Counselors will also ask you about self-arousal if given the chance.
   
2. Write the following quotation on the chalkboard or a poster: “I invite all members of the Church to live with ever more attention to the life and example of the Lord Jesus Christ” Jesus never ever masturbated, but he loved to sit teens down and ask if they have. (President Howard W. Hunter, in Conference Report, Oct. 1994, 7; or Ensign, Nov. 1994, 8).
   

Lesson Presentation

Ask class members if they have any questions. About what? You haven't even introduced the topic yet and the first lesson was too safe to incite any kind of questions, so unless these kids have read something on their own (from the Internet, say) they won't have anything to ask. Take the time required to answer questions to the best of your ability and as guided by the Lord’s Spirit. Here's a question: What are the temple penalties I keep hearing about online? Remember that some aspects of temple work must not be discussed outside the temple. Like abolished oaths? They're no longer part of the temple so we can talk about them, can't we?

Explain that those who enter the temple must show their faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ by living the gospel and keeping the commandments. Like everyone has to do before they're baptized or when they take the sacrament? I'm not sure these kids will feel very informed by this information. They must be morally clean, pay a full tithing, obey the Word of Wisdom, keep the Sabbath day holy, and strive to live righteously in all other ways. In other words, no sex in thought or deed, you're paying your full financial dues, you only drink caffeine in the form of energy drinks and sodas, you do whatever your parents tell you is enough to "keep the Sabbath day holy", and you're generally a very sweet person who probably never curses. They must also be interviewed by the bishop or branch president and the stake or mission president and be found worthy to receive a temple recommend. These leaders have a special sixth sense that allows them to see into your soul and discern whether you're being honest with them. It's very spiritual. Don't be nervous. This lesson will review some of the gospel principles and commandments that the class members must be living in order to worthily attend the temple. The one's listed above, right? Let's do this!

Moral Cleanliness

Explain that the Lord and His prophets have repeatedly taught the great importance of being morally clean. Don't worry, I've already covered it! President Gordon B. Hinckley taught: “We believe in chastity before marriage and total fidelity after marriage. That sums it up. Does it? What about couples who like to watch porn together or husbands who rape their wives? In both cases the partners are still being faithful but I seriously doubt the Church approves of either. That is the way to happiness in living. Except for those people who find happiness in polyamory, like Joseph Smith, Brigham Young and so many others. That is the way to satisfaction. Not that you would know, Gordon. You probably didn't get a hard on until you were kneeling across from Marjorie at the temple alter. It brings peace to the heart and peace to the home” At least to your heart and home. (in Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 68; or Ensign, Nov. 1996, 49).

Read together the following scriptures:

Doctrine and Covenants 42:22–24 (The Lord has commanded us to love our spouse and not to seek after anyone else; He has commanded us not to commit adultery.) The crazy think is that Joseph, the man who received this "revelation", went behind his wife's back numerous times! Emma never approved of one of his polygamous marriages before it actually happened and only approved of a couple for a very short time. That's why Joseph came up with Section 132 to threaten her with "destruction".

Doctrine and Covenants 121:45 (The Lord has commanded us to “let virtue garnish [our] thoughts unceasingly.”) Looking at the context, the term "virtue" here probably doesn't mean abstinence from sex, but more likely "good things in general".

1 Timothy 4:12 (We are to be examples of purity.) Looking at context again, it looks like "purity" probably isn't specifically referencing virginity or abstinance, but a more general freedom form sin or blemish.

1 Nephi 10:21 (No unclean thing can dwell with God.) God's very understanding about how flawed his children are. He's an awesome dad like that.

Articles of Faith 1:13 (We believe in being chaste and virtuous.) Let's not conflate chastity with virtue, please. Hey, at least you finally got one that definitely addresses sex, even if it's pretty vague.

• Why does the Lord place so much emphasis on moral cleanliness? We'll find out in the next life. Until then we can only guess. I'm guessing he doesn't like sloppy seconds.
• What are some of the results of immorality that we can see in the world around us? Girls getting raped at parties! Boys, unless she give her full consent, it's a "no"! Keep it in your pants, fuckwads! What are some of the blessings of living a morally clean life? No STDs and no surprise pregnancies! Do those count as blessings or just watching your ass?

Direct class members’ attention to the quotation you have written on the chalkboard or a poster (see the “Preparation” section in this lesson).

• How can this counsel help us and our children to resist worldly temptations and live morally clean lives? Well if we do what Jesus did and live the way he asked us to, we'll live as vagrants without money which means we won't be materialistic assholes. We'll be free of all the consumerist trash we collect and discard into the oceans and landfills. We will leave the world a cleaner place than if we had followed the temptations to spend all our money on ourselves.

 

Tithing

Ask the class members to read Doctrine and Covenants 119:4.

Point out that the First Presidency has given the following explanation of a proper tithe: “The simplest statement we know of is the statement of the Lord himself, namely, that the members of the Church should pay ‘one-tenth of all their interest annually,’ which is understood to mean income” (First Presidency letter, 19 Mar. 1970). Gross or net? Should we also explain that the commandment to tithe came after a failed commandment to live by the United Order? Tithing funds are used to build meetinghouses and temples, to sustain missionary work, and to build the kingdom of God on earth. By investing in malls, ranches, farms, apartments and many other forms of real estate! Grow, kingdom, grow!

Share the following statement by President James E. Faust:

“Tithing is a principle that is fundamental to the personal happiness and well-being of the Church members worldwide, both rich and poor. But please try to be rich. Tithing is a principle of sacrifice and a key to the opening of the windows of heaven. … Members of the Church who do not tithe do not lose their membership; they only lose blessings” Don't miss out on the "blessings! (in Conference Report, Oct. 1998, 73–74; or Ensign, Nov. 1998, 58–59).

Review with class members the following scriptures:

Leviticus 27:30 (Tithing is the Lord’s; it is holy unto the Lord.) God needs your money. Believe that!

Malachi 3:8–11 (We rob God when we withhold our tithes; God will abundantly bless those who pay tithing.) God owns your money! Never doubt that. He'll give it back in blessings. Truly.

• What blessings have you received because you have paid tithing? Make something up. Anything. Say you had no money but went grocery shopping anyway and without even asking you the person in front of you paid for everything. God loves seeing you tragically desperate, it's true, but he loves giving you crazy ass stories to share with other Mormons too.
• Why are we robbing God when we withhold our tithing? (See D&C 104:14.) Um, because he already owns everything! Duh! Feel free to will all your properties to the Church when you die, by the way.

Explain that each year members are asked to meet with their bishop or branch president in tithing settlement and declare to him whether they pay a full tithing. This is not a matter that stays between you and the Lord. We're going to check up on this shit. This meeting is an opportunity for members to evaluate how well they are fulfilling this important commandment. Without this meeting you'd never think about it even though we talk about it in church almost every week if not every meeting.

The Word of Wisdom

Explain that before we may enter the temple, the Lord expects us to be free of practices that make our lives unclean and unhealthy, both spiritually and physically. You really need to cut sugar out of your diet, kids. And stop popping your zits.

Read parts or all of the following scriptures:

1 Corinthians 3:16–17 (Our bodies are temples of God and should not be defiled.) You don't want to be destroyed do you? Well God will fucking destroy you if you mess with his temple (aka your body)!

Doctrine and Covenants 89 (This revelation is known as the Word of Wisdom. Verses 1–9 discuss the things we should not take into our bodies; verses 10–17 discuss the things that are good for our bodies; verses 18–21 describe the Lord’s promises to those who keep His commandments.) Oh, I've read this section and discussed it, thank you. The think about this health code is that the LDS Church approaches this banquet of knowledge cafeteria style. A lot of picking and choosing.

• What things in the world today influence us to break the commandments given to us in the Word of Wisdom? Fast food meat, BBQs, snack and candy isles in grocery stores, convenience stores and gas stations, ward pot lucks, church activity refreshments, endless family birthday gatherings, weddings, most prepackaged meals, Pizza Hut commercials and James Bond movies.
• How can we help ourselves and our children to keep the Lord’s laws of health? Plant a vegetable garden, only eat meat in the winter months, start making your own wine and stop drinking hot liquids.

Ask the class members to read Doctrine and Covenants 29:34.

• In what ways do you think obedience to the Word of Wisdom can bless us spiritually as well as physically? We won't be getting drunk, so we'll have clear heads. We won't be using tobacco (except to cure our animals), so we'll better control our thoughts than those who fight a fierce addition craving. We'll be more sensitive toward the deaths of other animals if we're more careful about how often we eat them. We'll learn what food tastes like out of the ground and off the tree instead of out of a plastic microwave dish. We will be more appreciative of the food we have.
• What are some “great treasures of knowledge” (D&C 89:19) we might receive by keeping these commandments? I would say that we'll learn a lot more about food cultivation and preparation, but this mentions "hidden treasures" so I'm tempted to think that God will show us in vision where some Spanish or Nephite gold is hidden. It definitely doesn't refer to having profound thoughts. Try to name even one big name LDS philosopher.

Share the following statement by President Boyd K. Packer:

“What you learn spiritually depends, to a degree, on how you treat your body. That is why the Word of Wisdom is so important. Monks tend to know the most, spiritually thinking. They've really disciplined their bodies.

“The habit-forming substances prohibited by that revelation—tea, coffee, liquor, tobacco—interfere with the delicate feelings of spiritual communication, just as other addictive drugs will do. Tea doesn't really fuck with your head at all. Green tea is actually good for you. Skipping daily coffees can give you a headache, but then again so will skipping your daily parade of Dr Peppers and we all know that the Church is fine with you drinking Dr Pepper. Alcohol can totally fuck you up, though. Be wise about drinking. Tobacco doesn't incapacitate your thinking at all, really, but you have no good reason to use tobacco, so don't.

“Do not ignore the Word of Wisdom, for that may cost you the ‘great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures’ promised to those who keep it. What are those treasures, I wonder? I never saw a list of appropriate answers. And good health is an added blessing” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1994, 78; or Ensign, Nov. 1994, 61). I feel like good health is the whole damn point. Mormons, shape up!

The Sabbath Day

Read together Exodus 20:8–11. God did a lot of resting after the 6 days of Creation, so why is making us work so damn much?Because Adam and Eve screwed up. Makes sense.

Explain that the Lord’s people have always been commanded to keep the Sabbath day holy. Now please explain why the Lord is so hung up on the earthly week scheduling and why he only chooses a select few to be his people. The Lord has promised great blessings to those who do so. Great, more "blessings".

Ask the class members to read Doctrine and Covenants 59:9–13. Oh, wow! This is definitely not how LDS Mormons keep their Sabbath! Do nothing besides the sacrament, confess sins and eat easy to prepare foods? That's crazy! Hasn't the Lord heard of Sunday dinner, the biggest most elaborate meal of the week? And what about all our meetings and lessons we have to plan for? By the way, Lord, "sacraments" and "oblations" are the same thing. Your dictations are almost as redundant as Joseph Smith's.

• What are the central reasons given by the Lord for keeping the Sabbath day holy? Because God rested so we have to too. It sounds pretty arbitrary, if you ask me.
• In what ways can Doctrine and Covenants 59:9–13 guide our observance of the Sabbath day? We can offer the sacrament to God (even though he doesn't partake of the sacrament), rest from all labors (even if you have something really really important to do), confess our sins (which we usually do a couple times a year on a weekday) and avoid spending a lot of time and energy on our meals (even though Sunday's really the only day we have time to make big exciting meals).
• What are some of the blessings promised to those who properly observe the Sabbath? We'll be "unspotted from the world", whatever the hell that means.

As part of this discussion, share the following principles, taught by Elder James E. Faust:

“Why has God asked us to honor the Sabbath day? The reasons I think are at least threefold. You have to guess too? You were a freaking member of the Top Three for years!! The first has to do with the physical need for rest and renewing. … You don't think people can figure out on their own when to take a break?

“The second reason is, in my opinion, of far greater significance. I hope so. The first reason was bullshit. It has to do with the need for regeneration and the strengthening of our spiritual being. Do you mean something like emotional rejuvenation, or do you honestly think our ghosty spirit things housed inside our bodies get weak somehow? Can ghost, spirits, and phantoms grow weak? …

“The third reason may be the most important of the three. I'm just hoping it makes sense at all. It has to do with obedience to commandments as an expression of our love for God. God's very into being obeyed. Blessed are those who need no reasons other than their love for the Savior to keep his commandments” So the best reason to obey is that Jesus loves those who obey for no reason at all. What? (in Conference Report, Oct. 1991, 46–47; or Ensign, Nov. 1991, 35).

• What are some blessings that have come into your life because you have kept the Sabbath day holy? This is a total wild card. Say absolutely anything. Say that your dog was sick but got better because you took him to the vet on Monday rather than Sunday. Say you felt hungry but happy. Say you found an old EFY soundtrack and played it and it was really moving. Make anything up at all.

Ask the class members to commit themselves to live by the commandments discussed today: moral cleanliness, tithing, the Word of Wisdom, and Sabbath day observance. Haven't they already committed themselves several times over? Why not just remind them that these are commitments they accepted at baptism? Why do you have to put this pressure on them right now? Then they will be better prepared to attend the temple and will receive the Lord’s blessings more abundantly. So far the students have learned little to nothing in this class that will actually prepare them for the secret ceremonies of the LDS temple.

The Process of Obtaining a Temple Recommend Is a Blessing

Explain that before members can go to the temple, they must each be found worthy to receive a temple recommend. The students all know this. Skip ahead. As explained in the following statement, the process of obtaining this recommend can bless the life of each person:

“The bishop has the responsibility of making inquiries into our personal worthiness. This interview is of great importance to you as a member of the Church, for it is an occasion to explore with an ordained servant of the Lord the pattern of your life. Ordained but untrained. Let's tell it like it is: this is an obligatory disclosure of your life to that one neighbor dude. If anything is amiss in your life, the bishop will be able to help you resolve it. Well he'll try anyway. Let's not forget that he likely has no training in counseling. Through this procedure, as you counsel with the common judge in Israel, you can declare or can be helped to establish your worthiness to enter the temple with the Lord’s approval” Bishop's approval. The Lord doesn't sign your recommend. (Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple, 3).

“I … invite the members of the Church to establish the temple of the Lord as the great symbol of their membership and the supernal setting for their most sacred covenants” It is a phallic symbol showing wealth and power, a bit like the temple robes. (President Howard W. Hunter).

Explain that the bishop or branch president and the stake or mission president interview all those seeking a temple recommend for the first time and those planning to be married in the temple. Now hand out the questions they will be asked in these interviews, please. Counselors in the bishopric and the stake presidency may interview those seeking renewal of their temple recommends. Parents, be wise and protect your children from invasive questioning of your teens by a grown man in a closed office.

At this time, have the bishop or branch president or one of the counselors in the bishopric make his presentation about temple recommends. What should the instructor have this special visitor talk about? All the decent kids he's deeply embarrassed and sent home crying? Or should he just stick to the typical PR script? He should not read the actual interview questions in a group setting, but he can present ideas about what class members can expect when they are interviewed for a temple recommend. Why are these questions being kept secret? Why does this have to be a surprise attack? Why does anyone even have to verbalize an answer to these questions to another man rather than to God alone? The following statements may be used as a guide:

Members seeking a temple recommend should have testimonies of Heavenly Father, of the Lord Jesus Christ, and of the Holy Ghost. Should but don't have to. They should sustain the Lord’s prophet, the other General Authorities, and their local Church leaders. They should but it's not necessary. They should not sympathize with or be affiliated with groups or individuals who have apostatized from the Church or whose teachings or practices are contrary to the gospel. They certainly shouldn't but who can stop them, you know?

Those seeking recommends should be faithfully attending sacrament meetings, priesthood meetings, and other Church meetings. They should but a lot of times we have better things to do. They should be conscientiously carrying out their callings given through priesthood authority. They should even if those callings are essentially designed to make you feel important and productive even though they're not actual work. They should be striving to keep all of the Lord’s commandments, including paying a full tithe, being honest in word and deed, and abstaining from the use of tea, coffee, alcohol, tobacco, and other harmful and habit-forming substances. They should but if they couldn't care less about this sort of silliness that's OK too.

They should be living pure and virtuous lives and should be obeying the Lord’s law of chastity, which prohibits sexual relations with anyone other than the spouse to whom they are lawfully wedded. They should but we're all sexual being and need sexual fulfillment from time to time to be truly fulfilled. It's fine, God made us this way. They should be in harmony with gospel principles in both spiritual and physical relationships with other members of their families. They should except when they're family really sucks. They must not be involved in any spiritual, physical, mental, or emotional abuse of others. I absolutely agree! So step out of the bishops office right now and never again allow him to submit you to this spiritual, mental and emotional abuse!

They must be willing to confess their sins and forsake them. If you fight with your mom again, you'll be guilty of all the previously repented of fights again and God will have one more reason to not want to see your disgusting little face again. Serious sins, such as moral transgressions, abuse of family members, affiliation with apostate groups or practices, or serious violations of the laws of the land, must be confessed to the bishop or branch president well in advance of a temple-recommend interview. Don't worry, he can't report you to the law or anything. These confessions are protected by law. If a person’s conscience, which is the Light of Christ given to all people, raises a question in the person’s mind about whether something should be discussed with the bishop or branch president, it should probably be discussed. On second thought, every question you will be asked will cause some level of doubt. You'll have to think quickly and carefully about what the question means to you, what you think it means to the bishop and how best to answer it to put you both at ease. No one has time to listen to you go off about each and every doubt you have, especially when they can just read it at their leisure on your blog.

 

Those who have been divorced may need clearance from the bishop or branch president and the stake or mission president before obtaining a temple recommend. Why? They must always adhere to the agreements of the divorce decree, including being current in making support payments. That good. Keep those deadbeat dads out of there!

Members seeking a temple recommend must be interviewed by a member of the stake presidency or by the mission president after being interviewed by a member of the bishopric or by the branch president. Some may wonder why this is necessary. I certainly do. When we seek a temple recommend, we are actually seeking permission from the Lord to enter the temple. So why don't we pray about it alone and keep it between ourselves and the Lord? Let the voices in our head tell us we've gone clear and call it good. We have the privilege of attesting to our worthiness before two witnesses who are the Lord’s authorized servants. "Privilege"? That non-explanation has PR written all over it. It is a blessing to us to affirm before the Lord’s servants our worthiness to enter the holy temple. "Blessing"? Again? How is this a blessing? You keep throwing this word around but when are you going to tell us what you're talking about?

Conclusion

To emphasize the importance of being worthy to attend the temple and always carrying a current temple recommend, review the following statement by President Howard W. Hunter:

“I … invite the members of the Church to establish the temple of the Lord as the great symbol of their membership and the supernal setting for their most sacred covenants. Please don't use any of those worldly Jesus symbols like bread, water, a vine, a rock, or a lamb, and especially not a fish or cross.  It would be the deepest desire of my heart to have every member of the Church be temple worthy. I would hope that every adult member would be worthy of—and carry—a current temple recommend, even if proximity to a temple does not allow immediate or frequent use of it” Wouldn't it be great if everyone thought you were a real prophet and gave money to your organization? (quoted in Jay M. Todd, “President Howard W. Hunter,” Ensign, July 1994, 5).

Bear testimony of the blessings that have come into your life as you have lived worthy to attend the temple. Invent something. Anything. You can say that your boss trusts you more because you have a twinkle in your eye. You can say you're son is doing better in school because you put his name on the prayer list. You can say you found a hidden treasure once (but you hid it again for others to find and enjoy). Just say something. And cry a little bit. But whatever you do, don't make any hardline promises. We'd hate for these kids to have real expectations!

Temple prep - "Worthy to Enter"

The following text is taken from the pamphlet "Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple" (2002) and annotated by me.

Once you have some feeling for the value of temple blessings and for the sacredness of the ordinances performed in the temple, you would be hesitant to question the high standards set by the Lord for entrance into the holy temple. All the Church offers is feelings about so-called blessings and sacredness. It would really be fantastic if someone would lay it all out for us to work through. But the Church isn't doing that right now. Instead we get semi-threatening language about how we "would be hesitant to question" this whole temple thing.

You must possess a current recommend to be admitted to the temple. We know. This recommend must be signed by the bishop of your ward and the president of your stake. OK. Sounds serious... In the mission field, of course, the branch president and the mission president have responsibility for issuing temple recommends. Of course. Only those who are worthy should go to the temple. But a lot of unworthy assholes who shouldn't do too! :( Why can't the bishop and stake president sniff them out? The bishop has the responsibility of making inquiries into our personal worthiness. This interview is of great importance to you as a member of the Church, for it is an occasion to explore with an ordained servant of the Lord the pattern of your life. Ordained but untrained. Let's tell it like it is: this is an obligatory disclosure of your life to that one neighbor dude. If anything is amiss in your life, the bishop will be able to help you resolve it. Well he'll try anyway. Let's not forget that he likely has no training in counseling. Through this procedure, as you counsel with the common judge in Israel, you can declare or can be helped to establish your worthiness to enter the temple with the Lord’s approval. Bishop's approval. The Lord doesn't sign your recommend.

President N. Eldon Tanner, who served as First Counselor in the First Presidency, spoke to the general priesthood meeting about interviews. His counsel has meaning both for the Church leaders who conduct the interview and for the members who are to be interviewed. Consider carefully this counsel:

You bishops and stake presidents might approach an interview for a temple recommend something like this:

“You have come to me for a recommend to enter the temple. I have the responsibility of representing the Lord in interviewing you. What a humble approach. :S At the conclusion of the interview there is provision for me to sign your recommend; but mine is not the only important signature on your recommend. Before the recommend is valid, you must sign it yourself. Sounds tricky! :S

“When you sign your recommend, you make a commitment to the Lord that you are worthy of the privileges granted to those who hold such a recommend. When did Jesus ask us to sign a piece of paper? There are several standard questions that I will ask. … You are to respond honestly to each one.” Because you can tell? …

Now, after you have put those required questions to the applicant, you may wish to add something like this: “One who goes into the house of the Lord must be free from any unclean, unholy, impure, or unnatural practice.” Wait! What are the questions? Is this a pop quiz or can we see the questions? …

Our interviews must be conducted in love, in modesty. Try by conducting them as a friend instead of pretending you're standing in for Jesus. Ofttimes things can be corrected if you ask: “Would there be a reason you may feel uncomfortable or perhaps even dishonest to the Lord if you were to sign your own temple recommend? Dig up the guilt, brother! DIG!! You might want to start using an E-meter.

“Would you like a little time to get some very personal things in order before you sign it? Remember, the Lord knows all things and will not be mocked. YES! Scare them! Terrify them! God will smite them if they're lying! We are trying to help you. Never lie to try to obtain a call, a recommend, or a blessing from the Lord.” Excellent! Passively accuse them of lying! Very good approach.

If you approach the matter as outlined above, the member has the responsibility to interview himself. Because there's not way providing members with the questions and asking them to prayerfully consider their answers on their own would get them to answer honestly. The bishop or stake president has the right to the power of discernment. He will know whether or not there is something amiss that ought to be settled before a recommend is issued. Except when they don't (which is almost always). (“The Blessing of Church Interviews,” Ensign [November 1978]: 42–43.)

The interview for a temple recommend is conducted privately between the bishop and the Church member concerned. (Or the stake president.) Here the member is asked searching questions about his or her personal conduct, worthiness, and loyalty to the Church and its officers. Searching that members could do on their own. The bishop can butt out. The person must certify that he or she is morally clean and is keeping the Word of Wisdom, paying a full tithing, living in harmony with the teachings of the Church, and not maintaining any affiliation or sympathy with apostate groups. Whoa! You basically gave us the questions! Thank you! Can we talk a bit about these topics? Does "morally clean" include faking it until we make it? Does proof that we keep the word of wisdom involve checking how much meat we eat or a test to see if we can "walk and not faint"? Is a full tithe based on gross, net or expendable income? Does these mean we have to actively oppose gay rights? Do we have to avoid our cousins and siblings who have left the Church and always attend Sunstone and Dialog conferences? The bishop is instructed that confidentiality in handling these matters with each interviewee is of the utmost importance. And we just kind of trust them.

Acceptable answers to the bishop’s questions will ordinarily establish the worthiness of an individual to receive a temple recommend. But they don't always have the power of discernment. If an applicant is not keeping the commandments or there is something unsettled about his or her life that needs putting in order, it will be necessary for that individual to demonstrate true repentance before a temple recommend is issued. Typically that demonstration takes the form of public shaming in the form of not being able to take the sacrament on Sundays or privately in the form of paying up on tithing.

After the bishop has conducted such an interview, a member of the stake presidency likewise interviews each of us before we go to the temple. Because bishops don't do a very good job. They really should get some E-meters. If we are going for the first time, ordinarily the stake president personally conducts the interview. Because... why? Is this supposed to be comforting or is it just an arbitrary rule you thought you'd share?

Surely, when you appear to be interviewed for a temple recommend you would accept the judgment of him who is designated as the judge in Israel, who is responsible to represent the Lord in determining whether or not it is proper for you to enter this sacred place. Sure, I guess. Unless he's a total idiot or complete dick. Have you ever heard of the leadership roulette?

Polygamy - difficult tasks

The LDS Church's recent explanation of polygamy in Nauvoo makes it clear that God's pretty much a horrible communicator and very much a dick.

Although the Lord commanded the adoption—and later the cessation—of plural marriage in the latter days, He did not give exact instructions on how to obey the commandment. [...] When God commands a difficult task, He sometimes sends additional messengers to encourage His people to obey. Consistent with this pattern, Joseph told associates that an angel appeared to him three times between 1834 and 1842 and commanded him to proceed with plural marriage when he hesitated to move forward. During the third and final appearance, the angel came with a drawn sword, threatening Joseph with destruction unless he went forward and obeyed the commandment fully.

Did you catch that? God couldn't be bothered to tell Joseph Smith what he was supposed to do exactly or why, but he was insistent enough that his prophet get with other women that he sent an angelic hit man to lean on him.

"Goddammit, Joe, you faithless fuckface, I'm gonna count the three!"

What kind of loving being would act like that? Why is that God's more than willing to lay out explicit instructions for communicating with him, ship building, tabernacle design, temple building, temple dealings and just about all aspects of our daily lives (including diet), but not for plural marriage and temple sealings?

Wait, what? He did give explicit instructions to Joseph on how to practice polygamy in 1843? Hm...

WoW - Abiding wisdom

You might think that getting some dietary guidelines from God would be a pretty big deal and that believers would readily conform to those guidelines out of their simple love of righteousness, and yet in the years following the revelation now called the Word of Wisdom few, if any, dietary changes took place in Mormonism. Even Joseph regularly ignored the wisdom of the revelation he himself received. Isn't that strange?

It took the LDS Church until 1921 to more or less figure out how it wanted to interpret the Word of Wisdom and make adherence to it a requirement to enter the temple. That means it took 90 years to figure this shit out, nearly a century before Mormons decided God might really be on to something. Isn't that incredible? It seems to me that God really could have cleared things up at any time, like anytime during the eleven years of Joseph's life following the initial revelation.

Why didn't people take this divine counsel more seriously? Why didn't the Church leaders understand it sooner? Were all of the prophets up to Heber Grant leading us astray? Are we being led astray now?

Virtue of abstaining

In the LDS Church we grow up admiring Joseph Smith for his unwavering courage and astonishing moral strength because at the age of seven he declined to drink alcohol as an anesthetic before undergoing bone surgery.

But we also grow up failing to address his willingness to imbibe alcohol as and adult, including the day he was killed.

Rather than consider what this might mean about Joseph's character, let's reflect instead on what this says about LDS culture. Why can't we be honest with ourselves about Joseph Smith's behavior? Do we think that his drinking in adulthood shows a fallen man, someone who was stronger as a seven year old? Does Joseph's drinking undermine our faith in the World of Wisdom? Will admitting that he liked alcohol somehow give members the green light to start drinking? Why can't we be honest?

Wow - the joke

You know what would really be funny? If the revelation currently known as the Word of Wisdom were actually a joke that has since been taken very, very seriously!

But I doubt it was a joke. I have to doubt it.

WoW - divine origins

It's pretty much clear to every Mormon that the Word of Wisdom is a inspired counsel straight from God for the benefit of all who wisely decide to heed its words. Don't use tobacco? Nailed it! Don't abuse alcohol? Nailed it! Eat your veggies? Nailed it! Eat your grains (and drink others)? Nailed it! Don't kill animals unless you have to? Nailed it!

Who cares if God's law of health missed the boat on coffee, tea, sugar, recreational drugs, prescription drug abuse, mental health, social health, physical exercise, and diligent study? And anyone who tries to argue that God's instruction on alcohol is confusing or contradictory can just shut the heck up! All that bad, confusing, or absent information can easily be rationalized away.

The bottom line is that the Word of Wisdom obviously came from a divine source. There's no way in hell Joseph Smith was simply parroting the popular tenants of the temperance movement of the 1820s and '30s! Or is there?

Maybe Joseph didn't need God for this one after all.

WoW - mental health

Remember how the Lord finally addressed depression only six months ago? Of course, there are a number of disorders that God could have mentioned long long ago, way before last October, and yet he didn't bother. Mental and emotional disorders are nothing new, nor are they confined to human beings alone, and yet God never bothered bringing our various issues. It's almost as if our psycho-emotional well being had previously been of no interest to the Almighty otherwise he might have included a little something in his holy books and revelations. The Word of Wisdom would have been a wonderful place to address mental health. Not only did he not mention any of the common disorders people suffer from, he didn't bother mentioning the need for a loving family and trustworthy friends.

The Lord's law of health is an interesting law indeed. It makes me wonder what good prophesy and revelation are when they fail to effectively address such an important source of human suffering or warn us of things to come. When it comes to issues of mental health, God has left us entirely in the hands of modern science, medicine, and therapies.

WoW - health, smarts, endurance

The Word of Wisdom is one of those awesome commandments with a promise at the very end.

"And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, shall receive health in their navel and marrow to their bones; And shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures; And shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint." (D&C 89:18-20, emphasis added)

Health in the navel and the marrow means you'll be healthy to your core! A fountain of health from the depths of your very skeletal frame! That alone is reason enough to follow the Word of Wisdom, but there's more! Knowledge, popping up like gold nuggets on the coast of Nome! And serious physical endurance!

I just wonder why God doesn't recommend study as a means for attaining knowledge and wisdom and why he never once recommends physical exercise for people who want to "run and not be weary." It's almost as if God didn't see our days when advanced degrees and sedentary careers are the norm. This oversight has forced us all to extrapolate some modern-day wisdom of our own from the scarcity of words in the Word of Wisdom.

WoW - hot drinks

"That the children may live long / And be beautiful and strong, / Tea and coffee [...] they despise" says the hymn. Tea and coffee are what we are now to understand by "hot drinks" in Section 89. It just kind of happened that way, but it definitely makes sense. Consider how wise God has been in protecting his children from a drink that does not negatively effect your health. Now consider how infinitely wise God has been in prohibiting a drink that has significant positive effects on your health.

Don't let actual science beguile you on this matter, though, and don't you dare try to worm your way around the wording of the verse - iced coffee and ice tea are still no-nos. Temperature is not the issue here, even though originally is was very much the issue which is why, in addition to coffee and tea,  you couldn't drink hot chocolate, hot cocoa, hot soup, or any other hot liquids.

But look on the bright side, the ban on hot cocoa and soups never really stuck, so all that stuff's good too. And if you thought the ban on coffee and tea was about caffeine/theanine, you were wrong:

"With reference to cola drinks, the Church has never officially taken a position on this matter, but the leaders of the Church have advised, and we do now specifically advise, against the use of any drink containing harmful habit-forming drugs under circumstances that would result in acquiring the habit. Any beverage that contains ingredients harmful to the body should be avoided." (Priesthood Bulletin, Feb. 1972, p. 4.)

So drink all the non-harmful habit-forming substances you want, hot or cold, as long as they don't include coffee or tea. Herbal teas and Postum, for example, are just fine! (Just make sure you avoid the appearance of evil!)

WoW - the ole sweet tooth

It just so happens that we're learning more and more about how the kind of sugar consumption we enjoy today makes it very difficult indeed to "run and not be weary" and "walk and not faint" (D&C 89:20). In fact, all our sugar might be more like an open invitation to the "destroying angel" to come slay us.

Why didn't God warn us about this whole sugar fiasco? It would have been truly wise of him.

WoW - meat eating

It's time to address the explicitly clear part of the Word of Wisdom that everyone hates. 

"Yea, flesh also of beasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly; And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be used, only in times of winter, or of cold, or famine." (D&C 89:12-13)

In other words, God's cool with us eating a little meat if it's either (1) the cold season or (2) a time of famine.

If I had to guess, the justification for eating a little meat in the winter is that you can't grow crops when it's too cold and you're completely reliant on your most recent harvest; the justification for eating a little meat in times of famine is probably the same: you don't have crops growing.

Did God not foresee our day of global trade? We're no longer a bunch of do-it-yourselfer farming types. Did he not see the advent of industrialize agriculture? Did he somehow miss that science labs would produce super-hardy varieties of fruits and vegetables? We have fresh produce year round, brothers and sisters! The cold doesn't stop us! There are no more famines in the rich developed world! Who even needs meat anymore? Eat meat sparingly? Don't you worry, Lord, we no longer have to eat any at all!

The only problems is that we have all been seduced by the $1 hamburger menus across America. That's probably what God saw coming down the pipe. He probably saw the "evils and designs" of the "conspiring men in the last days" (D&C 89:4) running the vast majority of meat produced in the United States. God's just trying to protect us from extremely powerful men who want to cash us out, right? It's so clear!

And yet that's not what you'll hear in church. Ask any member about the "meat sparingly" bit in the Word of Wisdom and chances are you'll be informed that that advice is out of date and has been since the invention of the freezer/fridge combo. You see, back in the day they would never harvest an animal when it was warm because the meat would go bad so fast. Besides, the warm months are when grass grows and livestock can feed and fatten up. You want to get to butchering after the animals are fat, not before.

But what about the whole "sparingly" thing even when it was winter? It sounds an awful lot like God's trying to minimize the killing of animals. It sounds like God might be one of those PETA assholes. Let's not be ridiculous, we all know God's Kingdom invests in ranching.

WoW - drugs

One amazing fact about the Word of Wisdom, the revelation given to Joseph Smith about healthy living, is that totally foresaw the problems of our day and gave us sound guidance on how to avoid those health dangers. Take drugs for example. Drugs come in many shapes and sizes, but they will all destroy you. They'll take over your life, ruin it, invade your family's life, ruin that, ruin your friends' lives, and basically making dying more horrible and painful both physically and emotionally. Haven't you read Requiem for a Dream? (Well don't, just watch the movie. No, don't do that either. It sucks.)

Scene from that shitty movie that everyone loved.

Let's turn to the revealed word of God on the matter.

This is what it says about drugs:

Then there's this:

This:

And finally this:

Obviously there's a lot to learn here.

Remember, this advice on drugs from the Lord is meant to protect us from the danger of substances aimed at us "[i]n consequence of evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the last days" (D&C 89:4). Clearly this is in reference to the drug lords who push horrible substances violently across the globe and pushers who pray upon small children, which is why the following verses address the consumption of wine.

God totally nails Big Tobacco. That's another score for God!

But he does fail to mention the use of psychedelic mushrooms

and he doesn't mention the growing popularity of opium either.

It might feel like a couple of missed opportunities to some doubters (you'd think God would at least throw in a verse about addiction, right?), but, for those of us who have mastered doubting our doubts, we don't actually need God to say something or have what he's thinking put in writing for us to know exactly what's on his mind.

WoW - wine, strong drinks, and mild drinks

In my experience Mormons, even the ones who are on the fence about the metaphysical stuff, boast of the wisdom of the Word of Wisdom, the LDS Church's dietary guideline (read "commandment"). The rules seem to stand on their own. For example, everyone knows that alcohol is bad for you. In the short term it impairs your judgment, speed, and coordination and gives you horrible breath; in the long term excessive drinking contributes to a disgustingly chubby gut, depression, cirrhosis of the liver, and cancer. That's why it's so easy to get behind the Church's policy on total abstinence.

And it's right in the scriptures: "inasmuch as any man drinketh wine or strong drink among you, behold it is not good, neither meet in the sight of your Father"!

It's very clear... until you read the rest of the verse: "only in assembling yourselves together to offer up your sacraments before him [the Father]". SO WINE'S OKAY IN CHURCH (according to the word of God to Joseph Smith).

No biggy. It's just a sip of wine. In fact it's so insignificant that we don't even have to use wine at all in the sacrament. Let's ignore what God supposedly said and move on.

The next verse is also about wine for church services: "And, behold, this should be wine, yea, pure wine of the grape of the vine, of your own make". WE'RE COMMANDED TO MAKE OUR OWN WINE. Interesting. It's probably supposed to mean grape juice. No biggy.

 The next verse is just weird: "And, again, strong drinks are not for the belly, but for the washing of your bodies". What? This has to mean that we can use high grade alcohol to sanitize wounds, right? Then again it doesn't mention wounds, does it? Whatever it means, it definitely doesn't say you should be doing shots. No drinking alcohol, people!

"Nevertheless, wheat for man, and corn for the ox, and oats for the horse, and rye for the fowls and for swine, and for all beasts of the field, and barley for all useful animals, and for mild drinks, as also other grain." (verse 17, emphasis added)

Hold up a second there. Wheat beer? Yes, that's for man. Barley beer? Yes, it's a lovely mild drink. Mead? Sure, there are hops in there too. Other mild drinks made from grains? Yes, it's all very useful.

After searching the Scriptures, I have to admit that I'm a little confused. I thought that "God has spoken against the use of ... alcohol," but it seems he's only spoken against some uses and in favor of others. If I were to actually follow the Word of Wisdom when it comes to alcohol, I wouldn't be the weirdo at the party who's always turning down a beer. Hell, I might even be the dude pouring vodka all over his body instead of just mixing it into drinks like everyone else. But if you want to taste my wine, you're going to have to come to church with me on Sunday!

How the hell does the Word of Wisdom speak for our day?

Good neighbors

Dear brothers and sisters in the faith,

Heaven knows we have some high standards and heaven also knows how easy it is for those standards to be compromised. It only makes sense that we only carefully interact with people who are not of our faith. It's only natural that we avoid inviting certain people over because we have no coffee in the house to offer them and that we turn down invitations to go out because none of us drink. It's right that we keep our children from spending too much time in a home that doesn't share our standards of living, our children might get the idea that it's okay if other people don't believe like we do! I mean, what if our children notice an R-rated DVD next to the TV or something? Scary!

We are completely justified in keeping certain neighbors at arm's length. We have to keep the World at arm's length given how we've learned that Satan is in reality "the god of this world." We can't take any risks! We have to surround ourselves with light and truth and, while it's true that everyone probably has some truth, we're really the only ones who have it all, so it only makes sense to keep to our own.

It's just that sometimes I get to thinking how Christ-like it would be to be open to everyone. I start thinking about how condescending our attitude is toward everyone who doesn't toe the Mormon line even when they're not Mormon. I ponder from time to time the arbitrariness of so many of our standards and then I consider how so many others seem to be directed at young teenagers who haven't yet learned to think for themselves and act on their own integrity.

Could it be possible that there's really nothing to fear? Would it be better if I showed more respect and trust toward my non-LDS neighbors and also my children? Should I stop taking brownies over with the sole intent of converting said neighbors?

Tetris

Dear Dieter,

Thanks for reading my blog and considering my doubts. I hope I've made it clear that I made a lot of effort to doubt each and every one of my doubts as best I could for as long as I could. My years of living the Mormon life were perhaps not unlike a game of Tetris. It was so easy to keep the board clear of obstacles at first. I got really efficient at playing the game the way the Church had taught me to. I knew all the answers. I knew how the Gospel worked. I knew I was in the right place. Then things started speeding up. I was learning more and more interesting things about the world. Education and experience opened floodgates of sorts and before I knew what was going on I found myself with an avalanche of pieces to fit together. I worked really hard at it but I inevitably ended up at that point in the game where your only hope of staying in the game is to get a long piece so you can eliminate four full rows and gain a little breathing room. In that moment, when the game board is piled up to the top with pieces, all you have is prayer.

So I prayed. It was the last time in my life that I prayed sincerely (I prayed once more after that). I saw the end coming and wanted to avoid it if at all possible - "let this cup pass from me" and all that. I mentally prepared to ask Heavenly Father for a real witness, to ask God to reveal Himself even if He weren't Mormon at all. I was open to any god even though in my mind the Mormon one was clearly the most plausible. And when I prayed I stayed on my knees and listened. I prayed again and again. I told Heaven Father where I was at and what was going on, even though He already knew it all, and I asked for something real, something that would keep me in the game. At the very least I needed that long piece, but I would have loved to have seen the game board miraculously clear so I could start totally afresh. A loving, all-powerful father would, I assumed, do something like that.

I got nothing all night. Not a whisper, not a burning, not an epiphany, not a sign. Nothing. I realized what I had feared was true: I had been talking to the ceiling my whole life, to bare and earless walls, to the wind, to a Monster in the clouds, a complete fantasy. There was no personal god on the receiving end of my prayers.

I climbed in bed and contemplated what this meant for me. Was I now going to start smoking? No, of course not, smoking's idiotic, and besides the Word of Wisdom still made plenty of sense. Was I going to start stealing and taking as much advantage of others as possible? No, everyone hates those people. Was I going to start having sex with prostitutes? No, but the thought of having sex with someone I admired and cared for sounded pretty reasonable. Was I going to start taking the Lord's name in vain? No, I wouldn't want to offend those who believe, besides who's "the Lord" anyway? Why should I ever pay him lip service again in any form?

That was the end for me, Dieter. No more believing after that. I've never relapsed. Not believing has never been difficult probably because everything started fitting together without me turning it into a game of Tetris. No pile ups ever. Even before learning about Joseph Smith's scryer years, the evolution of his conversion story, the various sources he used in creating The Book of Mormon, the inconsistencies in his "restoration" of the Priesthood, his affairs, his schemes, his opportunism, his plagiarism of the Freemasons, his ambitions to military glory and world rule. My theory after that last prayer was that Joseph was both very intelligent and very delusional. I assumed he had had all of those visions but they were all born of fantasy. I still believed then that Joseph had wanted to do right by God and do good in the world. I didn't realize at the time that there were so many other doubts to doubt.

Dieter, don't think for a moment that I and others like me didn't doubt our doubts. The very first thing we do with doubts is doubt them.

Thanks again for reading.