Temple prep - "Dressed in White"

The following text is taken from the pamphlet "Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple" (2002) and annotated by me.

When we do ordinance work in the temple we wear white clothing. This clothing is symbolic of purity and worthiness and cleanliness. No news here. Baptism clothing is white for the same reason.

Upon entering the temple you exchange your street clothing for the white clothing of the temple. No one wears everyday clothes to the temple. If by "street clothing" you mean "Sunday best", then yes. Actually, no. Men get to keep their why button up shirt they wear in, so not all "street clothing" is traded in. This change of clothing takes place in the locker room, where each individual is provided with a locker and a dressing space and is completely private. Kids, this is good, practical information, but it has absolutely nothing to do with knowing your temple covenants before you go. In the temple the ideal of modesty is carefully maintained. How scandalous it would be for men or women see any sexy skin of another man or woman! :S As you put your clothing in the locker you leave your cares and concerns and distractions there with them. You step out of this private little dressing area dressed in white and you feel a oneness and a sense of equality, for all around you are similarly dressed. Communist uniforms LDS style.

If you are going to the temple for the first time, counsel with your bishop. When he issues you a recommend he will explain something of the nature of the clothing that will be required in the temple. What "counseling" is there to be done? Just tell us what the clothing is! What's that? The Church now does tell everyone in the whole world about our temple clothing? Yeah! Excellent job, Church! Way to disclose! Obtaining this clothing need not be a worry to you. You can either buy it through Church Distribution Services or, in some cases, rent it at the temple. In the latter case a very modest fee is required which covers only the cost of laundering the clothing. Rental clothing is not available at the smaller temples. Good practical information here, kids, but chances are your parents will buy your clothes for you.

As with the ceremonies and ordinances of the temple, outside of the temple we say very little about the clothing worn inside. NOT ANYMORE, DUDE! We can say that it, like the ceremonies, has great symbolic meaning. You can say whatever you want when you prohibit everyone from talking about what you've said.

It is a mark of reverence and respect when the Church member visits the temple dressed and groomed in such a way that he or she would not be uncomfortable in the presence of the Lord. Why should anyone be ashamed to show up as they are to the Maker who made them? Maybe it's time the Lord took a good hard look at his handiwork. Suppose for a moment that you are invited to be the guest in the home of a prominent and highly respected leader. Now imagine you're the kind of fool to grovel at authority... You are given to understand that you will mingle with distinguished guests who have received similar invitations. And you're going to want to do some schmoozing... The invitation is an indication that the host holds you in very high regard. You realize that many others would highly prize such an invitation, but for one reason or another they have not likewise been invited and therefore are not able to attend. So relax, the "leader" already likes your shit. Under those circumstances it is doubtful that you would arrive in old work clothes or dressed as you do for recreation. It is doubtful that a man would go unshaven, or a woman with her hair unkempt. So please show your ability to follow all social norms for dress and grooming! This is one case where the ways of the world are indeed the ways of the Lord. Remember the Lord looketh on your lapels for dander and mustard dribbles, and your shoes for fresh polish.

People of dignity and refinement, upon receiving an invitation to an important gathering, frequently make inquiry as to what dress would be in order. Would you not prepare carefully for such a special occasion? This is rhetorical. You would. You most definitely would. You might even purchase new clothing in the hope that your appearance would not detract from the dignified nature of the setting. You don't want to stick out. Remember the parable of the nail.

Care would also be shown for the pressing and cleaning of your clothes. Holy shit, you're still talking about dressing prim and proper. You would feel uncomfortable if you were not properly attired. Unless that sort of thing doesn't bother you.

 
The opportunity to visit the temple might be compared to such an invitation. I think every reader understood where you were going with this, but thanks for spelling it out.

There is one occasion only when members of the Church are invited into the temple proper in “street” clothing, and that is when they witness a temple marriage. Again, most people don't call their Sunday best "street" clothing. In that case only the shoes are removed, and these may be replaced with white footwear. Why? This sounds horribly superstitious. Years ago the Brethren authorized this to be so for the convenience of those family members and friends who would not be going through an endowment session immediately prior to the marriage. So there was a temple change? What else has changed?

Brides and grooms enter the temple to be married for time and all eternity. Ahem! ...The word you're looking for is "sealed". There brides wear white dresses that are long-sleeved, modest in design and fabric, and free of elaborate ornamentation. God hates immodest female arms and prideful embellishments! Grooms also dress in white. Brethren who come to witness temple marriages do not wear tuxedos. Unless they're all white tuxedos.

We have been puzzled and a little saddened at times, when attending the temple, to find that some have come to witness marriages or to attend a session in the temple dressed as though they were going to a picnic or an athletic event. Or in terrible black tuxedos like they're going to the Oscars.

The privilege to enter the temple deserves more from us than that. Why do you assholes always act to entitled! Argh! It is pleasing to the Lord when we bathe our bodies and put on clean clothing, however inexpensive the clothing may be. Yes, expensive clothing is of no consequence, but for the Lord's sake, please bath. He really wants to watch you bathe. We should dress in such a way that we might comfortably attend a sacrament meeting or a gathering that is proper and dignified. So you're saying Sunday best, right?

On occasions there has been one to witness a wedding who obviously has paid little attention to the counsel that the Brethren have given about dress and grooming, about taking care not to emulate the world in the extremes of style in clothing, in hair length and arrangement, etc. We wonder why it is that a person who is mature enough to be admitted to the temple would not at once be sensible enough to know that the Lord could not be pleased with those who show obvious preference to follow after the ways of the world. Bro, this entire section you have been hammering us about following American dress norms. How are those norms separate from the world? Are you suggesting that God's culture is mid-century American? This is ethnocentrism at it's finest.

How could a recommended member attend the temple in clothing that is immodest or worldly? Apparently they can't. How could one wear a style of hair that is not in keeping with refinement and dignity? How long has this stick been up your ass??

When you have the opportunity to go to the temple to participate in the temple ceremonies or to witness a sealing, remember where you are. It's very easy to forget because all these LDS places look just about exactly the same. You are a guest in the house of the Lord. He doesn't want to come home to see you lounging about in his favorite chair watching your damn shows on his celestial television! You should groom yourself and clothe yourself in such a way that you would feel comfortable should your Host appear. Exactly! Sit quietly with your arms folded and DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING! (By the way, God loves you and is happy to see you.)

Those who hold and share in the blessings of the priesthood should have their bodies covered as was revealed to the Prophet Joseph Smith when the endowment ceremony was given to him. Temple change alert!

Members who have received their temple ordinances thereafter wear the special garment or underclothing. Garments are provided by an agency of the Church—and are generally available to members throughout the world through a distribution program operated by the Church. And they're very reasonably priced.

The garment represents sacred covenants. It fosters modesty and becomes a shield and protection to the wearer. Can we talk a bit about what you mean by "shield and protection"? I understand the Church is shying away from all those stories of how garments stop bullets and fire and bear claws and other such earthly annoyances, so are we to understand that they just somehow keep Satan out of our pants? Should we not be getting aroused in our garments? Going vague doesn't exactly help your case.

"I make all my clothes in my garage because 

I want to be sexy modest for the Lord."

The wearing of such a garment does not prevent members from dressing in the fashionable clothing generally worn in the nations of the world. Yes, it does. Mormon women have an extremely hard time buying fashionable clothing. That's why Utah fashion is it's own unfortunate thing. Only clothing that is immodest or extreme in style would be incompatible with wearing the garment. Don't laugh! Porn shoulders are a huge problem, man! Any member of the Church, whether he or she has been to the temple or not, would in proper spirit want to avoid extreme or revealing fashions. You keep using the word "extreme", isn't it past time for a definition? To me, Photoshopping sleeves on angels just might fit the definition.

There may be occasions when endowed members of the Church face questions on the garment. Questions like "Why the fuck can't I every find ones that fit right?" and "Why the hell am I wearing an extra layer in 100 degree heat?"

On one occasion one of the brethren was invited to speak to the faculty and staff of the Navy Chaplains Training School in Newport, Rhode Island. The audience included a number of high-ranking naval chaplains from the Catholic, Protestant, and Jewish faiths. Yes! I love this very defensive story!

In the question-and-answer period one of the chaplains asked, “Can you tell us something about the special underwear that some Mormon servicemen wear?” The implication was, “Why do you do that? Isn’t it strange? Doesn’t that present a problem?”

To the chaplain who made the inquiry he responded with a question: “Which church do you represent?” In response he named one of the Protestant churches.

He said, “In civilian life and also when conducting the meetings in the military service you wear clerical clothing, do you not?” The chaplain said that he did. Yeah, dumb fucker, you sure do!

He continued: “I would suppose that that has some importance to you, that in a sense it sets you apart from the rest of your congregation. It is your uniform, as it were, of the ministry. Also, I suppose it may have a much more important place. It reminds you of who you are and what your obligations and covenants are. It is a continual reminder that you are a member of the clergy, that you regard yourself as a servant of the Lord, and that you are responsible to live in such a way as to be worthy of your ordination.”

He then told them: “You should be able to understand at least one of our reasons why Latter-day Saints have a deep spiritual commitment concerning the garment. He sure a fuck should be able to understand but he's a near-sighted, self-centered Mormon hater! A major difference between your churches and ours is that we do not have a professional clergy, as you do. Because Mormons are way above showing off their devotion like that, you superficial sack of shit! The congregations are all presided over by local leaders. They are men called from all walks of life. Yet they are ordained to the priesthood. They hold offices in the priesthood. They are set apart to presiding positions as presidents, counselors, and leaders in various categories. The women, too, share in that responsibility and in those obligations. Just at home though when their husband unload on them and ask for advice. We really don't allow any women to preside over men directly. The man who heads our congregation on Sunday as the bishop may go to work on Monday as a postal clerk, as an office worker, a farmer, a doctor; or he may be an air force pilot or a naval officer. The only thing he may not be is a woman. By our standard he is as much an ordained minister as you are by your standard. He is recognized as such by most governments. We draw something of the same benefits from this special clothing as you would draw from your clerical vestments. The difference is that we wear ours under our clothing instead of outside, for we are employed in various occupations in addition to our service in the Church. These sacred things we do not wish to parade before the world.” Because we're not self-righteous show offs!

He then explained that there are some deeper spiritual meanings as well, connecting the practice of wearing this garment with covenants that are made in the temple. Oh, do tell us what "deeper spiritual meanings" he explained! No one in the temple really bothers telling us anything more than that they represent the lamb skin garments God made for Adam and Eve and that they have some kind of protective power. We wouldn’t find it necessary to discuss these—not that they are secret, he repeated, but because they are sacred. Not secret, we just won't tell you about it because you're all swine.

The garment, covering the body, is a visual and tactile reminder of these covenants. Which covenants? For many Church members the garment has formed a barrier of protection when the wearer has been faced with temptation. Ah ha! They do keep Satan out of some Mormons' pants! (Just not mine.) Among other things it symbolizes our deep respect for the laws of God—among them the moral standard. Or more accurately they symbolize our tendency to shame God's creation and guilt those in our group who do not abide by this culturally specific dress standard.

Searching online

To whomever made the first search, it seems like you might be struggling with a previous decision to have an abortion. I can only imagine how painful living with that decision could be. I hope you found something online that has helped you.

To whomever made the second search, WTF?

Keep doubting, my friends.

Dallin Oaks criticized

Dallin Oaks is your typical authority-touting type. He was a Utah Supreme Court justice which for his fans means he's smart and level headed, but for the rest of us means he's used to being "right" and having the final say on everything. I suppose I wouldn't be too bothered by that if he didn't say such horrible things all the time. I cannot have faith in such a man.

HE'S ALL ABOUT CENSORSHIP:

“Some things that are true are not edifying or appropriate to communicate. Readers of history and biography should ponder that moral reality as part of their effort to understand the significance of what they read.”

HE USES SATAN TO SCARE PEOPLE FROM FACTS:

“Satan can even use truth to promote his purposes. Facts, severed from their context, can convey an erroneous impression.”

HE WANTS US TO BE BLIND FOLLOWERS OF THE BLIND:

"When our leaders speak, the thinking has been done. When they propose a plan - it is God's Plan. When they point the way, there is no other which is safe. When they give directions, it should mark the end of controversy, God works in no other way. To think otherwise, without immediate repentance, may cost on e his faith, may destroy his testimony, and leave him a stranger to the kingdom of God."

HE HAS NO REGARD FOR OTHER CULTURES. Seriously, who thinks Africa has one unifying culture? It's bad enough we think Mormonism has only one culture, but Africa, the continent? Holy shit.

HE'S A TOTAL HOMOPHOBE. Some of the most horrible things he's had to say recently have to do with homosexuality and the gay rights movement.

AND HE'S A HYPOCRITE. The man runs around yapping about how marriage is between one man and one woman and yet he's got two spiritual wives.

What ever happened to honesty and unconditional love?

Full trust

 
One very frustrating aspects of LDS culture is the tendency to fully trust someone based on whether or not he or she is an active, believing member of the LDS Church. At the same time Mormons first impulse is to distrust  non-members. Never mind that there is no clear dividing line keeping only awesome, trustworthy people in the Church. Never mind that the Church has no monopoly on trustworthy individuals. But many members, especially in areas with higher LDS populations, practice this type of judgment despite their better judgment. Why is that? How do you escape it? Is it just a matter of group recognition and solidarity or is it something more?

Stereotyping

 
The other half of "Closed-mindedness" takes the form of "stereotyping those who are opposed to the group as weak, evil, biased, spiteful, impotent, or stupid".

This sounds a lot like the top 5 myths that circulate when someone leaves the LDS Church.

All of the standard assumptions about why someone would leave Mormonism denigrate the doubter's character. Being easily offended shows weakness of character. Desiring to sin means you're evil, or weak when faced with temptation. Accusing someone of never having a real testimony is like calling him a tenderfoot or a faker. Calling someone lazy is just another way of calling them weak. Pinning everything on anti-Mormon arguments suggests the person who decided to listen to those arguments was being stupid and succumbing to those arguments is evidence of one's powerlessness when it comes to controlling his or her thoughts. The general approach within Mormonism tends towards belittling the doubter.

Thank goodness John Dehlin and people like him have been making extensive efforts to dispel these styrotypes.

Exclusively for singles

I always hated singles wards. To me they felt as though a couple of grandparents got together for a chat, realized that they all had grandchildren who were single and possibly having a hard time dating, and decided to find a way to coral all these grandchildren together in good faith that all penises would eventually meet a vagina. Seriously, get enough young single adults together in a chapel bumping into each other and sooner or later they'll want to move things to the bedroom. It's a foolproof plan. And naturally (because they're all such wonderful kids) they'll make sure to stop by the temple for a quick sealing before they run off and make babies.

These singles wards are a real hit. The kids are so bonkers about the whole thing that they even organize gigantic summer vacations together so they can have more opportunities to bump into each other, only this time without being dressed for church. It's like EFY only better.

The only problem is that Mormons aren't marrying as early as they used to (but probably not because they don't want to) which means a lot of the penises finding vaginas are doing so out of wedlock. And that's very bad.

In effort to catch people at the new marrying age, the Church has created some very popular singles wards for people over 30. How's it all working out?, you might ask. Not great. The problem: the men. They're not hanging around. Instead they're flocking to their computers to play games and jerk off.

The plus side to all of this is that now those few older men who are hanging around can go back to marrying a handful of lovely young maidens. Polygamy, your time for open practice has returned!

Mormon pilgrimages

Jerusalem? Rome? Santiago? What are we, Catholics? Do we have to travel hundreds or even thousands of miles to worship an object? Not a chance. No idols for us. Leave reverencing objects to everyone else. Let the Muslims make their once in a lifetime trek to Mecca. We carry religion in our hearts. Our eternal souls worship in a walking tabernacle of flesh.

Sure, we have to be sure to make it to the temple at least once in our lives (heaven forbid we die before taking out our endowment and sealed for time and all eternity), but fortunately for everyone, the Church these days is working hard to make church and temple attendance as easy and non-pilgrimage-like as possible. With meeting houses and temples cropping up all over the globe, chances are you're no more than a couple of hours away from an LDS place of worship.

Of course that doesn't stop us from making distant religious journeys in order to prove our spirituality, pay our respects to our forebearers and prove to our neighbors that the Church is the most important thing in our life. Who among us doesn't feel a slight tinge of guilt for not having humbly offered a prayer of gratitude for Joseph Smith in the Sacred Grove? Who among us hasn't felt some degree of urgency that our sons and daughters experience the spiritual banquet to be had on Heritage Tours? How else will they gain a testimony in their youth? The Kirkland temple, the Nauvoo temple, the temple site in Missouri, we just have to see them.

And why stop at the locations that have actual Mormon history? Why not make up some new sites for Book of Mormon tours? Heartland model believers, we've got you covered too! It doesn't matter if it's all bullshit. You really have to see it for yourself!

 

Most amazing of all is Salt Lake City! Come listen to a prophet's voice at General Conference! Come on! You believe he's a prophet, right? You love him, right? You have a testimony that he's God's mouthpiece, right? So show us your conviction! Come, come, ye saints! Come!

Heavenly fatherliness #42 - Feeling protected

According to popular wisdom, a good father makes his children feel protected.

Feeling protected means we experience peace of mind knowing that Heavenly Father protects us, loves us, comforts us, and will stand up for us. I think a good many believers do feel that protection and it gives them confidence and strength. But I also believe just as many believers constantly feel vulnerable and in need of protection. In fact, I would say that believers, the righteous as well as the wicked, even feel threatened by God himself and his ever-looming judgements against them.

It's a strange head game God is playing, one in which we're always left guessing whether or not we're still on his good list. How safe does that really make us feel?

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #37 - Open-minded

According to popular wisdom, a good father is open-minded.

I'm not sure how Heavenly Father can get a point for this one. He's not open-minded. It's either his way or the highway. Always.

Jesus was like that too: "he [Jesus] turned, and said unto Peter, Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men" (Matthew 16:22-23).

God things are cool. Human things suck shit. Thus saith the Lord. 

On the other hand, Heavenly Father does understand all things, including all our thoughts (just imagine how dirty God's mind must be!). You've got to have a pretty big, open mind to do that.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #19 - Criticism

According to popular wisdom, a good father restrains criticism.

Does God restrain his criticism? Totally. Just ponder for one moment how many criticisms a Perfect Being could slam us with if he wanted. 

Not that he doesn't tell us we're total shit from time to time. We are base and fallen, prone to disobey. We are, in effect, naughty by nature. Unworthy. What harsher criticism can you possibly imagine? 

"Kids, you're all total nasty fuck-faced shits who can't do anything I tell you to do right, but I love you like hell."

Thanks, Dad! We love you, too!

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father. 

Body aesthetics

Does the Church still get its panties in a bunch whenever they see people with tattoos or a girl with more than one set of earrings? When he was prophet, Gordon Hinckley sure made a stink about it and a new policy about tattoos and earrings was immediately adopted. The justification, as given in the talk, had nothing to do with revelation from God and everything to do with Hinckley's personal tastes and lack of understanding American culture.

"I cannot understand why any young man—or young woman, for that matter—would wish to undergo the painful process of disfiguring the skin with various multicolored representations of people, animals, and various symbols"  he says.

Can Gordon understand why this older lady got her tattoos?

Well if you can't understand it, Gordon, it must be ludicrous, stupid, and maybe a little bit evil!

"Likewise the piercing of the body for multiple rings in the ears, in the nose, even in the tongue. Can they possibly think that is beautiful? It is a passing fancy [...]"

Yes, actually, some people can possibly think that. Is that a problem? Does it honestly concern you? Is this seriously a valid topic for you to weld your prophetic authority on?

Hinckley frames his comments in terms of "self-respect" and talks about "defiling" one's body/temple, but chooses to ignore the fact that the verses he reverences have everything to do with filling our meetings and lives with the Spirit and nothing to do with how we dress and ornament ourselves.

Dissing the JC!

I'll admit that I have plenty in common with Hinckley on this topic: I rarely see tattoos I like and I easily imagine a life of discomfort when I see someone with obtrusive piercings, but who the hell am I to say that no one else finds those things interesting or beautiful? Who am I to stop someone from wanting tattoos or piercings? And why are we so convinced that God, who looks on our hearts and who will supposedly give us a perfect body and a perfect understanding of that body, actually gets upset about how much ink you've injected into your skin or how many ornaments you have hanging from your skin?

And if Jesus is so concerned about all the ways we disrespectfully change our bodies, why haven't we heard a prophet outlaw nose jobs and breast implants?

Children at the bar

"Let's take a second here to talk about your vagina..."

In the Mormon world you start meeting one-on-one with the bishop at age eight when you have your baptismal interview. The bishop asks you questions to determine whether or not your ready to be baptized or not (SURPRISE! YOU ARE!). This is only the beginning of worthiness interviews, which turn into a twice-a-year event once a child turns twelve.

As a member of full faith I faithfully attended and believed in the importance of these interviews. It was awesome (and logical) that the bishop should be personally involved in every member's life and that he should act as keeper of the gate. I seemed wise to give children the opportunity to meet with the bishop without threat of suspicion. Someone who's embarrassed to make an appointment on his or her own wouldn't have to wait long before being called in for the routine check up. Let's not forget those kids who might be suffering abuses at home and who wouldn't be able to meet the bishop without arousing the aggressor's suspicion. Bishop interviews, in my mind, were a total safety net!

The reality of bishop interviews is a little different, though. Every kid hates them and fears them. They're awkward as fuck. You get a healthy dose of hardy-har-har humor from some old guy who lives in your neighborhood and who just might be your friend's dad only to segue into really obvious questions (e.g. "Do you have faith in and a testimony of God the Eternal Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost? Do you have a testimony of the Atonement of Christ and of His role as Savior and Redeemer? Do you have a testimony of the restoration of the gospel in these the latter days?" Duh! Who doesn't?), some kind of fuzzy, corrosively guilt-inducing questions (e.g. "Do you strive to keep the covenants you have made, to attend your sacrament and other meetings, and to keep your life in harmony with the laws and commandments of the gospel? Are you honest in your dealings with your fellowmen? Are you a full-tithe payer? Do your keep the Word of Wisdom? Is there anything in your conduct relating to members of your family that is not in harmony with the teachings of the Church?" Um... How much striving is enough striving? Does stuffing stuff under my bed and saying I cleaned my room make me dishonest? Does picking up a dime and immediately buying an Airhead mean I'm not a full tithe payer? I've neglected drinking mild drinks made from barley, is that bad? Holy shit, do we really have time for me to sit and examine every aspect of everything I've done since my last interview?), and there's that almost entirely irrelevant question ("Do you support, affiliate with, or agree with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?" Uh? What?)

Answering these questions is never pleasant even for the most believing of youths. They put you on the spot. They seem to doubt you. They subversively get you to doubt yourself.

Bishop interviews are notoriously unpleasant among Mormon kids, who easily see behind all the fluff questions and know the real purpose of these interviews: the bishop needs to know what you're doing with your genitals.

"Do you live the law of chastity?"

This question is almost always expanded into many, many more.

"Do you have or entertain unclean thoughts? Do you tell dirty jokes? Do you look at pornography? Do you masturbate? Do you know what that is? How often? Are you dating anyone? What's your physical relationship like? Are you ever alone in each other's bedroom? What kind of kissing do you do? Do you ever lay on top of each other? Do you touch each other's private areas? Do you engage in necking or petting? Do you know what "Levi loving" is? Do you do it? Have you had sex?"

Mormon kids hate this. Whether you're Molly, Peter, or Jack, you hate these questions. You hate the fact that anyone has the audacity to ask you these questions and yet you believe they must be asked. You hate that you feel obligated to answer the questions.

"I sometimes think about girls in bikinis... I sometimes wonder what sex is like... Sometimes when I get, um, 'excited' I, uh, don't know how to get rid of it..."

Mormon kids hate the fact that they are in a private office with a grown man with the door shut talking about their sexuality. They all hate it. AND SO SHOULD PARENTS.

How in the hell is it acceptable to send your 14-year-old daughter into a closed office with a grown man? How is it acceptable for a man, who likely has ZERO PROFESSIONAL TRAINING in these kinds of sensitive discussions, to interrogate youth and teens about the most intimate details of their lives? Do we honestly think this is God's way or that Jesus gets off on this sort of thing?

I doubt it. I think parents might want to consider limiting what the bishop can talk to their children about. I think parents might even want to be present for some interviews. I think the Church should  make it mandatory for girls to be interviewed by women and not by men. I think the Church should  definitely think about hiring professionals to discuss sex with teens and pre-teens.

Then again, I think kids shouldn't be shamed for masturbating or being curious about sex.

Why are we doing this?

Mormons believe God is a very fair judge. The fairest. No detail escapes his infinite wisdom.

"The Lord’s way of final judgment will be to apply his perfect knowledge of the law a person has received and to judge on the basis of that person’s circumstances, motives, and actions throughout his or her entire life." Book of Mormon Teacher Resource Manual, 2004, 304.

So why bother with the whole missionary work thing? Why do we need to convert the entire world to Mormonism if God doesn't need Mormon law to judge everyone perfectly? All he needs is "his perfect knowledge of the law a person has received" and he has that! Why force new laws on people if it makes no difference to how they are judged? Why not just encourage everyone to be kind and let them sort life out they way they see best? God will still judge them relative to their cultural and psychological circumstances. It's not like we're doing God a favor by telling people God is Mormonly rigid in making judgements. Don't we believe that God knows the desires of our hearts and will judge us according to those desires?

"And it is requisite with the justice of God that men should be judged according to their works; and if their works were good in this life, and the desires of their hearts were good, that they should also, at the last day, be restored unto that which is good." (Alma 41:3)

Large and spacious

Mormons fear large and spacious buildings unless they're temples where they can imagine ascending into Heaven, a conference centers from which they can judge and mock the world, or a mall.

I don't understand it either.

They judge me, they judge me not, they judge me, they judge me not...

Mormons teach each other not to judge. Dieter's recent Conference talk is proof.

The avalanche of "Stop it" memes that followed bore witness to the fact that Dieter had won the People's Choice Award for Best Conference Talk.

It's a good message. I think Jesus even said something similar. It's hard to argue with a good message that comes from Jesus. I'm just not sure Dieter captured the essence of Mormon judging. The judgment he's speaking of refers to "hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm", there is so much more to Mormon judging than that.

In my experience, Mormon judgment is almost entirely concerned with righteousness and worthiness, and hides behind the façade of helping others. Because "judging" carries such a negative connotation, Mormons prefer to approach the issue in the key of "discernment". We have to discern between Good and Evil, and whether or not something is worthy or unworthy, or clean and unclean all the time. Worthy is good. Unworthy is bad, and sometimes evil. If we can't tell what's good, how will we know what's worthy of us? If we can't tell what's evil, how can we reasonably seek after good things? If we can't tell what's unclean, how will we stay clean before God? We have to discern who's worthy to participate in the sacred rites of baptism, sacrament, and temple work. We have to discern who stands in need of fellowship. We have a lot of discerning to do and that requires a lot of judging.

We're always looking for signs of doubt, weak faith, idleness in upholding the Gospel and magnifying callings, heresy, and apostasy. These signs show up everywhere and we have to be ever observant. It could be a can of Coke. It could be chronic tardiness to Sacrament Meeting. It could be a reluctance to bless the sacrament. It could be a colored shirt or facial hair. It could be failure to bring your own scriptures to church. It could be watching sports on Sunday. It could be a low cut dress or a questionably short skirt. It could be wearing flip flops to church. It could be reluctance to accept a calling or speak in sacrament. It could be a bumper sticker endorsing a Democrat. It could be poorly behaved children or children who's hair has not been tidied up. It could be a mild swear word. It could be the slightest disagreement with something that was said in General Conference. It could be the mentioning of an inappropriate movie. It could be a slanderous remark against the Founding Fathers. It could be a look of boredom in class. It could be not singing along with the hymns. It could be never raising your hand in Sunday School. It could be an uncorrelated comment in class. It could be your gait and composure. It could be your lack of a smile. It could be your avoidance of someone in the ward, especially authority figures. It could be so many different things, so we exercise vigilance along with our discernment.

Just know that we can and will discern you. Be sure of that. We'll scrutinize your every word and your every move. We'll figure you out. We'll categorize you flawlessly. We'll put you in your place.

Let love in

Mormons are taught early on that they want to be married in the temple. We've been taught that if someone can't or doesn't want to get married in the temple, we should kick their sorry ass to the curb.

George Durrant reported a conversation he had with his fifteen-year-old son. He had asked him, “Where are you going to get married?”

“In the temple,” was the reply.

“Why?”

“I’ve just never thought of getting married anywhere else.”

“Why?” the father pressed.

“Well, that’s where you go so you can be married forever.”

“But,” the father asked, “what if you meet a girl who doesn’t feel that the temple is that important?”

There was a long pause. Then he replied, “Dad, I wouldn’t marry her.”

I can just imagine the numerous conversations shared between Mormon couples in love when they discover that the temple has been eliminated from the equation. My heart swells at all the tear drenched "I'm sorry"s and the understanding "go fuck yourself, you unworthy pig"s that have sent eternal dreams summer-salting off the highway of holy love and into a cold gray ditch of empty Big Gulps and soggy cigarettes. Tragic.

Tragic, but necessary. We can't be placing love of another human over our love for Mormonism. Marriage is so much more. Some teachers of the youth even complain about the expression "marry in the temple" because they feel it makes light of the ordinance and prefer instead "to call the Lord’s way of marriage the 'sealing ordinance' or 'being sealed.'" This isn't just a marriage, it's a godly right of passage; this togetherness isn't simply for time, it's FOR ETERNITY.

Sealings are more than just some silly hoopla Mormons have added to their religion in attempts to legitimize polygamy or an attempt to create an analogous rite to the the highest sacrament of Catholicism, and anyone telling you otherwise is just speculating. The fact is that as much as God loves you, he can't respect your love unless you proved your commitment to him and your spouse at one of his alters. Period. God's house is a house of order (D&C 132:8), and there's nothing confusing or disorderly about making sure everyone on earth who loves him marries in his holy house. So don't worry about the guy who's sealed to three different women, all of whom learned to hate him deeply and divorced him; don't worry about if the atheist grandfather you vicariously sealed to your grandmother probably won't accept the ordinance but your grandma probably will; don't worry that Joseph Smith was sealed to 11 women who were already married to other Mormon leaders; don't worry about your brother who's sealed to an unfaithful woman who doesn't love or deserve him; don't worry about anything, it all makes sense to God.

And yet sometimes I can't help but think about how hard it can be for people to find love and how often the love they find lies outside of their religious culture. Sometimes I think about God being a completely loving and completely understanding father and just how his love and understanding might play out in the eternities. At times I think how strange it is that so many Mormon grandparents are convinced that all you need is a penis, a vagina, and two strong testimonies for a marriage to work. (It's almost as though Spencer Kimball said this: "it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.) And maybe it is a little funny that Mormon kids think that they will conveniently find the person they will marry within their very limited ward boundaries.

Instead of pushing love away because temple requirements get in the way, wouldn't it be more respectful and loving in many cases to trust in God's love and celebrate the love a couple shares with each other? For many people life is too short and too hard to go it alone. It's also true that Mormonism can be very harsh on its single members. Can't God let his children embrace love and companionship as it presents itself without putting harsh parameters on who qualifies?

Good neighbors

Dear brothers and sisters in the faith,

Heaven knows we have some high standards and heaven also knows how easy it is for those standards to be compromised. It only makes sense that we only carefully interact with people who are not of our faith. It's only natural that we avoid inviting certain people over because we have no coffee in the house to offer them and that we turn down invitations to go out because none of us drink. It's right that we keep our children from spending too much time in a home that doesn't share our standards of living, our children might get the idea that it's okay if other people don't believe like we do! I mean, what if our children notice an R-rated DVD next to the TV or something? Scary!

We are completely justified in keeping certain neighbors at arm's length. We have to keep the World at arm's length given how we've learned that Satan is in reality "the god of this world." We can't take any risks! We have to surround ourselves with light and truth and, while it's true that everyone probably has some truth, we're really the only ones who have it all, so it only makes sense to keep to our own.

It's just that sometimes I get to thinking how Christ-like it would be to be open to everyone. I start thinking about how condescending our attitude is toward everyone who doesn't toe the Mormon line even when they're not Mormon. I ponder from time to time the arbitrariness of so many of our standards and then I consider how so many others seem to be directed at young teenagers who haven't yet learned to think for themselves and act on their own integrity.

Could it be possible that there's really nothing to fear? Would it be better if I showed more respect and trust toward my non-LDS neighbors and also my children? Should I stop taking brownies over with the sole intent of converting said neighbors?

Mormon house tour

Here we are...

Welcome to our home! We're so excited to share with you the ways in which we've made our house a haven of love and spiritual devotion! Come on in!

So we've recently repainted! Everything used to be off white but, as you can tell, the light greenish gray thing going on really matches the stucco exterior of the home so much better! Please also note the adorable "HOME" decoration that let's everybody know that this is friendly place where all can feel comfortable and loved! And on the opposite side of the entry way we have the true head of the household, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!

We hang His picture here so everyone knows the second they come in and as they're on their way out that our Savior not only lives and loves us, but He's also an integral part of our family! He's literally our oldest brother! We would be nothing with out Him and His eternal sacrifice that allows us to be together forever in the eternities! And now for the rest of us! (He he he!)

As you can see we kind of agreed on a family uniform of sorts because it's so ridiculously cute! And also because all of our neighbors do this sort of thing for their family photos! And also to remind everyone who comes in that some of us have penises and are responsible for providing while others of us have vaginas and should be staying home with children! It's all part of our Heavenly Father's amazing Plan of Happiness!

Oh my gosh, you haven't heard of the Plan of Happiness?? It's so amazing and so beautiful and totally proof that Heavenly Father loves us so much! It's all about the family! Basically God will let families be together forever if the husband and wife are sealed (just a fancy way of saying "married"!) in the temple! Our prophet and apostles a few years ago (okay, like almost 20 years ago!) wrote down this incredibly inspired explanation of what a family is and what it should do! It basically says that we were all spiritual penises and vaginas before we ever gained a body (by being born!) and that we all need to be heterosexual and perform within the so called "traditional" gender roles of 1950s America! It's so cool and so true!

But anyway, this is where it all happens! This is the temple! (Well really it's just the most famous of like, I don't know, probably hundreds of Mormon temples across the entire planet!) This is where a young breeding couple goes to be sealed! Going to the temple is so sacred and so important that we never completely explain to our children what goes on inside, but we do like to hang pictures of temples, like this one, all over the house!

Our prophet, President Thomas S. Monson said it's the right thing to do because another prophet said so. "To you parents of young children, may I share with you some sage advice from President Spencer W. Kimball. Said he: 'It would be a fine thing if … parents would have in every bedroom in their house a picture of the temple so [their children] from the time [they are] infant[s] could look at the picture every day [until] it becomes a part of [their lives]. When [they reach] the age that [they need] to make [the] very important decision [concerning going to the temple], it will have already been made'” and he thinks that's a great idea and consequently so do we! Mormon's love to agree with the prophets because they're always right, so we all tend to have a collection of temple pictures hanging about our homes as though they're fine art or something!

And speaking of fine art, here's this beauty!

This is George Fucking Washington! The biggest badass to never be Mormon! But he would have been, a guaranfuckingtee it! Look how piously he prays in a grove of trees just like Joseph Smith did! I wouldn't be surprised in the least if he saw an angel that day!

We also like just about anything by Brother McNaughton! Look at Obama stepping on the Constitution of the United States! Whoever voted for that guy??

Sorry to get political there, but we all know bad things are happening here in the U.S.! I mean, look at gay marriage! The gays are basically shoving their gayness in our faces and down our throats! Even our oldest daughter struggles with same sex attraction! (But we still love her, especially because she's being so diligent about fighting her homosexual tendencies and is staying married to her husband she hasn't had sex with in years!) It's crazy what people think is okay to do! No, it's horrible! Satan really has a lot of influence over the children of Man!

That's why we have to send out so many missionaries! All of our kids have served missions as they have come of age! We have to tell the world that we have standards that we will not back down from! We have a message of love for everyone! And we can't get discouraged when people don't understand that message and reject it! But we can't give up either! Ever!

Framed quotes like these on almost every wall of the house keep me focused and happy! They teach me who I am and make me proud to be that person!

And I'm not the only one who appreciates a little encouragement! Fortunately there are entire stores dedicated to producing and selling these types of wonderful, spiritually uplifting messages for us to fill our homes with! It's such a blessing! It also makes finding gifts for all occasions so much easier!

Thanks so much for coming! We loved having you over and hope you too felt that special spirit that exists only inside a Mormon home! And remember, that special spirit can be yours, if you want it! Maybe we should have you over next week for an FHE with the missionaries!