Avert thy eyes!

In addition to creating the allusion of threat from associating with non-Mormons (especially apostate Mormons) and indulging in reading anything other than testimony-bolstering words, Mormons also face the threat of other bad influences in the media.

Movies and videos are extremely dangerous, so dangerous in fact that the leaders of the Church have for decades told members to not watch films with particular MPAA ratings. Thank God, Jesus Christ, and Holy Ghost we have prophets to make decisions for us and those decisions are based on the decisions of a small anonymous group under the control of the film-making industry. Then again, what if we have reason to distrust the MPAA? And how do the MPAA ratings translate into ratings in other countries anyway? How can it be that 12-year-old members in the UK can watch The King's Speech but in the US and Canada the R rating would keep obedient Mormon adults from seeing the film? That's a pretty big rating discrepancy.

Mormons are very aware of the conundrum and love to discuss it.  The Church, however, is very clear, especially when addressing the youth.

"Satan uses media [HE DOES??] to deceive you by making what is wrong and evil look normal, humorous, or exciting. He tries to mislead you into thinking that breaking God’s commandments is acceptable and has no negative consequences for you or others. Do not attend, view, or participate in anything that is vulgar [LIKE BOY SCOUT CAMPS], immoral [LIKE MOVIES THAT DEPICT LAMANITES AS MAYANS], violent [LIKE THE STORY OF JESUS' DEATH], or pornographic in any way [STAPLE THE PAGES OF THE SONG OF SOLOMON TOGETHER AND NEVER READ THEM!]. Do not participate in anything that presents immorality or violence as acceptable [LIKE READING ABOUT NEPHI JUSTIFYING DECEPTION, MURDER, AND COERCION]. Have the courage to walk out of a movie, change your music, or turn off a computer, television, or mobile device if what you see or hear drives away the Spirit [FOR ME THAT WOULD INCLUDE THE SEMINARY SCRIPTURE SOUNDTRACKS AND ALL EFY MUSIC COMPILATIONS]."

The logic of this statement has long been presented through the following Mormon Ad.

Not to worry, North American Mormons have their ways of enjoying the ice cream without the cockroaches. Thanks to illegal film editors in Utah and ClearPlay, people all over the country (not just Mormons) have been able to binge on all the cockroach-free ice cream they wanted.

Then again, isn't it a little superficial to redub dirty words and cut the nudie scenes? Isn't there more going on in a film or song? Aren't there other elements to art that can make it offensive? Can't we all think of a movie that objectifies women horribly without ever showing nudity, or a game that maybe doesn't show gore but has more perpetual violence and killing than even Saving Private Ryan? And aren't there at least a couple of movies out there that have a nude sex scene or a graphic murder that actually teach wholesome, conservative values? What about Requiem for a Dream? I bet you can't find a D.A.R.E. officer who wouldn't love for every teen in the US to watch that movie!

Why should Mormons, or anyone else, be content ruling out thousands upon thousands of movies, music, etc. because there are more than a couple of occurrences of the word "fuck," or just one occurrence in a sexual context? Are we that blind to the real world? Can we honestly not take the responsibility upon ourselves to determine what is uplifting and what we feel isn't going to benefit us?

Oh, whatever! Most Mormons ignore this whole "no R-rated movie" thing anyway. Watch whatever the hell want.

Legacy - Joseph Smith's witness

I'm sure all you Utah folks remember the days when going to Temple Square to see the film Legacy: A Mormon Journey was the bomb. Those days were called the '90s and they're over. Now we get to watch it on YouTube without going anywhere. On my mission I watched a dubbed version, which we pushed on just about any investigator who was willing to come to the church to watch it.

I loved this movie despite myself. I knew it was cornier than Midwestern ag, but I loved watching the main character convert, contribute to building up the kingdom, get the dame, lose her for the cause of duty, and return to her in Utah with honor. He was the perfect investigator, the perfect convert, the perfect Mormon, the purest Mormon, and I couldn't help but love him for it.

There was, however one thing that bugged me: Joseph Smith's final testimony about seeing Jesus. It felt fake. I know, I know, he's an actor (who happened to look and sound like he could have been a gay Chris Sarandon), not the real Joseph Smith, but he did write those words and therein lay the problem. They sounded phony. They sounded contrived and forced and unbelievable and maybe even deceptive. I didn't like to admit it to myself, but that line was always my least favorite part of the film because it somehow gave credence to the crazy notion that Joseph Smith was a fraud and not a prophet of God.

Wasn't this supposed to be the big testimony-making moment of the film? Why did I feel it threw mine into question?

Special Witnesses of Christ

I loved the Church film Special Witnesses of Christ while on my mission. This film was totally heavy shit that the peoples of the world needed to brace themselves for. The men in the film were the awesomest dudes on the face of the planet who enjoy amazingly close relationships with the big JC! They took orders from HIM! And here they are on film bearing their "special witnesses" of Christ's reality. Do you know what "special witness" means? I think it's supposed to mean that you've seen Jesus - that you're so badass he's actually paid you a visit. You know what "apostolic testimony" means? I think it means that you've been hand selected as one of his top twelve (or fifteen). Whatever it means, I know it doesn't mean you have the same vague hope that Jesus was really the Son of God that your average member has.

Okay, so I mostly loved it. I have to admit I found a lot of it unsatisfying and particularly troubling. Why? These special witnesses don't say much at all despite having over an hour to do so. They just regurgitate Bible speak and Bible stories and Jesus "facts", but they don't actually give us anything personal that might actually be called a testimony or witness. There is nothing special about what they say

Why are they holding back? Why don't they give us some personal Jesus story for us to ponder? Why don't they elaborate on their relationship with the Savior of the World? Why does this film not live up to its title at all? I watched this so many times, each time looking for an apostle in these men. I wanted to see it. I already believed it was there. Why couldn't I see it?

Could it be that they have no real "witness"? Is their testimony as banal as everyone else's? Are they just spewing lame scripted shit because they have nothing authentic to say?

The Testaments

 (This is Jeremy Hoop, not Ben Stiller.)

You know what shook my faith? The Testaments: Of One Fold and One Shepherd, that Church-made feature about Jesus' visit to the Nephites "somewhere in the Americas". Talk about hyper-sentimental dog shit. I cringed through the entire film wondering how in the world the LDS Church (a church considering itself to be led directly by Christ's own resurrected hand) dare produce such an embarrassment of a film.

The story is sappy as all hell. Helam sees the star of Bethlehem as a teen and sets his heart on one day seeing the Messiah. In the 33-year interlude, Helam has a family; his wife has died and his son, Jacob, has become a rebellious pain in the ass who totally forsakes "the traditions of his fathers" in favor of a secular life in the court of evil Kohor. Jacob eventually changes his mind after witnessing the murder of a prophet of God by Kohor's stooges. Helam's disappointment and pain over his son is only compounded when he loses his sight and can no longer hope to see Jesus in the flesh. Then Jesus shows up in the sky, lands on the temple steps, and sets everything right. The end.

The movie plays the pain-of-lost-family card as much as it can to drive home the sense of fear and despair that is so crucial to the film. To say the music is heavy-handed would be an understatement. The Testaments manages to pound all subtlety to smithereens and send it out of screen with a sneeze. I found the movie horribly distasteful and I didn't want to be associated with it.

To top off my discomfort, the makers of the film decided to place the film squarely into a Mayan context. Seeing a bunch of white and Polynesian Mormons running around Mayan temples with with Mayan headdresses felt disrespectful to the Mayan, kind of like putting on blackface. Besides, the connection of the Nephites/Lamanites/(and all manner of "-ites") doesn't work. They weren't speaking a Hebrew dialect, weren't writing in Reformed Egyptian, weren't talking about the Messiah and American Revolution-related concepts of freedom and civil duty, and were not divided into "-ites". But in the film they're running around like there are singles wards and playing with non-Book of Mormon animals, like monkeys. 

I suppose it didn't help much either that Tomas Kofod was a damned ugly white Jesus...

...but my faith remained in tact. The Testaments is just a film after all, my faith was in the Living Christ and his living church!

The temple - boredom

The discomfort I felt my first time through the temple didn't deter me from going again, instead it spurred me on. I knew the temple was holy and that I needed to get comfortable with the ways of the Lord. 

I expected the temple ordinances to slowly come into focus for me, but by about the third or fourth session I started falling asleep. The endowment, as it turns out, is simply boring. You do the same things every time and watch the same shitty movie (yes, there are/were a couple different versions) and it takes an hour and a half minimum. What shitty full length film would you like to sit through over and over? How badly do you want to go play Pat-a-cake with total strangers over and over. Go to the temple enough and it starts to feel like the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray. 

A couple months into weekly attendance it was a miracle if I could keep awake through an entire session. I did get more comfortable with the clothing, hand gestures, bowing my head and saying yes to covenants, whispering formulas through a curtain, all of that. Maybe even too comfortable. It also became easier and easier to be critical and/or suspicious of the whole thing. 

But I still believed it wholeheartedly for years afterward. I told myself to focus more on the content, not the format. Something marvelous was right before my eyes, I just had to learn to see it.

The temple - Adam and Eve

So the temple endowment film is essentially a rehashing of the Adam and Eve story and how they got kicked out of the Garden and then had to learn how to once again gain Elohim's presence. It's not exactly the freshest, most riveting tale anymore but that doesn't mean it can't be interesting. Don't forget that Adam and Eve start things off in their birthday suits!

The Church did a decent job of choosing attractive actors to play the roles and, yes, for all the audience can see, they're naked. Which was weird. It was a little uncomfortable for me to be sitting next to my dad in an amazingly sacred, super sacred place watching a couple of naked people through a camera that's slowly panning around strategically placed plants and rocks. The way it was shot made the whole thing feel rather voyeuristic. I don't think I was the only one who was both nervous and hopeful about seeing a nip slip.

Then again it also felt a bit like the end of Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery. Pretty comical with all those bushes and leaves popping up in just the right places and the shot cutting away just before you see too much.

Once I got over the weirdness of the ceremony in general I found myself thinking more about how hot the two Eves were. I was getting an erection every time I went to do a session. It really didn't feel right.

I wondered who was calling the shots on this whole movie thing. Whoever it was, did they actually watch the final product? And why was I finding the stupid movie even slightly erotic at all? I decided I just had to grow up a bit. It would all make sense one day. No use dwelling on doubts.

The temple - the movie

I had yet another serious doubt about my place in Mormonism when the temple film started up. I heard there was a film, but seriously? SERIOUSLY? When the reality of it hit - that I was sitting in a movie theater dressed like an asshole - I felt deeply embarrassed, like I had been tricked into being there. It was definitely more anti-climactic than my baptism for the fact that there had been so much hype around the mind-blowingness of the temple.

Behind the curtains... a movie screen!

The temple movie is horrible. It's an unintentially campy spin off of the Creation story. I can't believe anyone can sit through this crap regularly for years on end. You have a silly, big, booming God voice narrating the creation, landscape shots that seem to move between the awe inspiring aesthetics of a nature program and the kitsch of Thomas Kinkade sunsets, Adam and Eve wandering about a stage garden with foliage covering their waists and crotches, crows cawing whenever Satan enters or exits a scene, cheesy lines, and bad acting. It's absolutely awful stuff and yet it's supposedly the tool God uses to teach us His greatest secrets.

 Michael Ballam steals the show as Satan

I wasn't convinced, but I shut my critical eye and convinced myself that the Church didn't have to win the Palm d'or at Cannes to be true. I needed to pay attention to the information, not the film making. This was holy stuff I was watching. I mean really sacred stuff. So I doubted my doubts and watched on.

By way of post script let me clarify that there were two movies by the time I went through and they were both horrible, then they dropped one a few years back only to introduce a new film version this year which I haven't seen (I've read that it's now more Lord of the Rings-esque!). There's also the non-film version of the ceremony that requires temple workers to reenact the drama. Essentially all of my Mormon friends, active and inactive, say the live session is way better than the movie, and I'm sure they're right. But it's still totally inane bullshit.