Happy New Year to all! It's a great time to remember that all we have is the present. So let's focus on a few things we should be doing to make the most of life.
1. Develop and show more empathy.
Nothing will make human existence better faster than trying to sincerely understand what others are going through. Empathy pacifies and unifies. We're all safer and happier with empathy.
2. Show more gratitude.
Gratitude requires a dose of humility. You have to slough off the notion that you earned and deserve everything you have and instead recognize the roll others have played and play in your life. Life gets better with gratitude.
3. Keep your nose out for bullshit.
A sucker is born every minute. Bullshitters are born every few seconds. We're all prone to make shit up and pass it off on others, but we can curb that tendency. Question others and question yourself. What you've been told is gospel truth very well may not be. What you tell yourself is true might very well be false. Keep an eye on the rhetoric people use to convince you one way or another. Take the time to engage with serious research. Some rational skepticism can go a long way in keeping the bullshit away.
4. Have some fun.
Life is short. Moments are fleeting. Have a laugh.
If you search for "Joseph Smith's wives" in Google, please take the time to scroll to the end of the names and pictures at the top. It looks something like this:
It would appear that Fanny's picture comes from my blog post about her. I got it from this AMAZING VIDEO. Amazing as it is, it's not entirely accurate. No angel with a drawn sword was needed to convince Joseph Smith to practice polygamy until the early 1840s, several years after he had hooked up with Fanny and a few others. That's right, it doesn't make sense and it's not the only thing about the sword story that doesn't make sense.
The doubters seem well pleased. Emma looks pissed.
I'm just happy to have helped make a slight difference in the world.
I'm reading the Church Education System's manual for temple preparation and adding my two cents. Text found here.
Objective
“And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent” (John 17:3). The writers of this manual are using this verse to validate the temple endowment drama in which Elohim repeatedly sends Jehovah (understood to be Jesus) and either Michael the archangel (understood to be Adam, the first man) or Peter, James and John of New Testament fame off on errands of making all of Creation and giving humans very special messages. The very special messages are Masonic hand signs, handshakes and passwords. I honestly can't see how this gives you any significant knowledge about who God and Jesus Christ are. We already know they're the Alpha and Omega tag team that will rock the universe forever. How about a little insight into what makes them laugh or maybe their favorite foods?
To help class members understand that the plan of salvation is taught in the temple. That's it? Do we have to keeping reading? I think we got the lesson down pat. I have no idea how you can be baptized and attend church meetings for an entire year and still need help with the layout of the Plan.
Preparation
Before class begins, prepare a chalkboard or poster
illustration of the incomplete diagram showing the plan of salvation
(see page 3). Oh dear Lord! Are you teaching 7 year olds? (You may wish to make a similar incomplete diagram on a
piece of paper for each class member to complete during class
discussion.) They'll fill the whole thing out in 30 seconds of shear boredom. You know that, right?
Make sure that each class member has access to a copy of the scriptures. Why? The scriptures don't discuss the modern Mormon temple in much detail at all. Also provide a copy of the booklet Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple for each class member. Drop the booklet, it's awful. Consider instead providing everyone with the script used for the endowment. These should have been ordered as part of the class materials. That's right, dude. You didn't order them? You fucked up.
You may want to assign several class members to help you with
the second section of the lesson. You could give the scripture
references mentioned under each part of the plan of salvation (premortal
life, the Fall, etc.) to a class member and ask him or her to come to
class prepared to summarize what these scriptures teach about the plan
of salvation. This will be sure to annoy most of the students you choose.
If the Come unto Me videocassette is available, you may want to show “Man’s Search for Happiness,” a 13-minute segment. That's one corny-ass film. You might not want to show it.
Lesson Presentation
The Temple Is a Spiritual School
It's a school that gives the same lesson every single day all day long with no Q&A sessions, no class discussions, no homework, no quizzes or tests. It's not a very good school.
Invite someone to give an opening prayer.
Explain that the scriptures will be used in each lesson. This way years later when their wondering where all the weird temple stuff comes from they'll have a vague impression that it came from scripture. Encourage class members to bring the scriptures to each class. It sucks when you have keep handing out library copies to these kids.
Distribute a copy of Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple
to each class member. Explain that this is the student supplement for
the course. Material from the booklet will be discussed throughout the
lessons, and each class member should read the booklet during the weeks
the course is taught.
Begin
the lesson by explaining that the temple is a spiritual school that
helps us learn more about the purpose of life and the plan of salvation. You really have to hammer this point because otherwise there's no way your students will feel like they've learned much more about the purpose of life and the plan of salvation.
Have class members read the following quotations, which explain some of what we learn in the temple:
President
Gordon B. Hinckley said that the temple “becomes a school of
instruction in the sweet and sacred things of God. Sounds great, but what is he referring to? Here we have outlined
the plan of a loving Father in behalf of His sons and daughters of all
generations. The same plan we learned by heart in Primary or a different one? Here we have sketched before us the odyssey of man’s
eternal journey from premortal existence through this life to the life
beyond. Like the sketches we've discussed countless times in Primary? Great fundamental and basic truths are taught with clarity and
simplicity well within the understanding of all who hear” But not much understanding will be found by those who think a little more carefully. (“The Salt
Lake Temple,” Ensign, Mar. 1993, 5–6).
President
Brigham Young taught that the temple ordinance called the endowment
gives us instruction necessary for eternal life: “Your endowment is, to
receive all those ordinances in the house of the Lord, which are
necessary for you, after you have departed this life, to enable you to
walk back to the presence of the Father” And yet Jesus never ever spoke of Freemasonry as necessary ordinances because Freemasonry wouldn't come into existence until maybe 1400 or 1500 years later. To assume that the temple endowment is an essential ordinance to Christianity is to make a gross error.(Discourses of Brigham Young, sel. John A. Widtsoe [1954], 416).
What does this scripture teach about the most important knowledge we can obtain? I've already explained one reason why using this verse in reference to the temple is fantastically out of place. See above.
Explain
that in the temple, we learn more about Heavenly Father and Jesus
Christ, and we are able to grow closer to Them. What more do we learn about Heavenly Father? That his name is Elohim and that he delegated the creation of the universe to Jehovah, Jesus' secret name. Most members probably already know this. We learn about Their
plan for us, which is referred to in the scriptures by various titles,
such as the plan of redemption or plan of salvation. We learn that it requires knowledge of Freemasonry for us to get to heaven.
“We will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them” (Abraham 3:25). Will humans willingly enslave themselves to our will?
What has helped you learn about the plan of salvation thus far in your life? Primary, Sunday School, FHE, and everything else the Church required me to do, but nothing in my real life, day to day experience.
How has your understanding of the plan of salvation blessed your life? It gives me a rewards system and a reason to think that I'm destined for somewhere better than everyone else in the world who isn't an active believing LDS.
In the Temple We Are Taught the Plan of Salvation
Explain
that as part of the temple endowment, the plan of salvation is taught. This has already been stated more than once. The bad news about this temple teaching is that it produces more questions than it answers.
This section of the lesson will help the class members prepare to
understand these teachings in the temple. Let's hope!
Refer
to the incomplete chalkboard illustration and review the following
information, using the scriptures to help the class members understand
the ideas. As the scriptures are discussed, write them on the
appropriate lines on the chart. If
the class members have their own copies of the chart, have them add the
scripture references to their charts. Uh! Boring.
If
you have assigned class members to help you, ask them to present their
information on the plan of salvation. Explain that this discussion will
focus on the following questions: Where did we come from? Why are we
here on earth? Where are we going after this life? Ah, yes, the big questions.
Premortal Life
We are spirit children of God, our Heavenly Father, and we lived with Him before coming to earth (see Romans 8:16–17). Um, I think you mean Elohim.
Heavenly Father called a great council in heaven (see Abraham 3:22–23).
He presented a plan for our eternal development and happiness, which is
called the plan of salvation. We chose to follow His plan. So did Satan, if you think about it.
In harmony with the plan, Jesus Christ, the Firstborn Son of Heavenly Father, volunteered to be our Savior (see Moses 4:2; Abraham 3:27). Which means his blood, obtained through torture, magically fixes everything wrong in the universe.
Lucifer, another son of God, rebelled against Heavenly
Father’s plan and “sought to destroy the agency of man.” He and his
followers were cast out of heaven and were denied the privileges of
receiving a physical body and experiencing mortality. Throughout the
ages, Satan, as Lucifer is now called, has tried to make all mankind
miserable like himself by tempting them to be wicked (see Moses 4:1, 3–4; 2 Nephi 2:17–18). I think it's time we be the better man and forgive Lucifer.
The Fall
Adam and Eve were chosen to be the first of Heavenly
Father’s children to come to earth and were placed in the Garden of
Eden. At that time, their bodies were not mortal (see Moses 3:7–8, 21–23). This happened about 6000 years ago. No doubt about it.
Adam and Eve chose to eat the fruit that God had forbidden
them to eat. Why did God tell them not to eat it if he really needed them to in order for his plan to work? Because he's a dick. As a result, they were separated from God’s presence. The more you learn about God, the less this sounds like a punishment. This
separation is called spiritual death. It almost sounds as good as "death panels". God's got a good PR team. They became mortal, which means
that their physical bodies would eventually die. Of everything mentioned so far, I think mortality is the only thing that makes sense.This is an observable reality confirmed by science, unlike the rest of this story. They also became able
to have children. What? Were they in a perpetual state of prepubescence? Is this real doctrine? The change to the mortal condition is called the Fall
More good PR work. (see 2 Nephi 2:19–25; D&C 29:40–41). So far you haven't explained anything an active Mormon of at least a year wouldn't already know.
Mortal Life
All those who chose in the premortal life to follow Heavenly
Father’s plan gain a physical body by being born on this earth. During
our mortal life, we are tested to see whether we are willing to live by
faith and obey Heavenly Father’s commandments when we are not in His
physical presence (see Alma 34:32; Abraham 3:24–26). Heavenly Father has decided on an interesting set up.
In mortality, each person is free to choose whether he or she will follow God or follow Satan (see 2 Nephi 2:27). His didactic methodology is also very "interesting".
Death and Resurrection
When we die, our spirits enter the spirit world, and our
bodies remain on earth. Isn't the spirit world just another realm of the earth? Is it somewhere else? Does this mean Mormons believe in ghosts? This period of separation continues until the
time of our resurrection. The spirits of the righteous are received into
a state of peace and happiness, which is called paradise. Not a perpetual state of missionary work trying to convert the nearly 100% of the earth's population that has never hear of God's plan? The spirits
of the wicked are placed in a state of darkness, which is sometimes
referred to as a prison (see Alma 40:9–14; see also 1 Peter 3:19). Do you want to be confined to the hole until you resurrect?
The Atonement and Resurrection of Jesus Christ provide the
way for all mankind to overcome physical death by being resurrected. Demigod blood
is awesome like that! Resurrection means that our spirits and perfected bodies will be
reunited for eternity (see 1 Corinthians 15:22; 2 Nephi 9:10–13; Alma 11:42–44). Even if you're headed for Outer Darkness. You'll at least be happy suffering totally misery in a perfect resurrected body. God's a generous fellow.
“We
believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved,
by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel” (Articles of Faith 1:3). Put another way, God's plan allows for a maximum return of just about 2/3 of his spirit children! That's a pretty good investment return, isn't it?
The Atonement of Jesus Christ also provides the way for us
to be forgiven and cleansed from sin so we can dwell in the presence of
God. Because you're a filthy dirty sinner and we all know it. The Savior suffered for the sins of all mankind in the Garden of
Gethsemane and on the cross. As a result of His Atonement, we can repent
of our sins and receive forgiveness. As we live the gospel, we can qualify to receive the gift of eternal life and become like Him (see Mosiah 3:5–12). Once again, none of this information should be new to someone who has gone through the discussion or Primary and was baptized. This lesson is terribly unnecessary and not going to be of much help to someone going through the temple.
Kingdoms of Glory
At
the time of resurrection, each person will be assigned to a kingdom of
glory. Those who are righteous will inherit greater joy and blessings
than those who do not obey God’s commandments (see 1 Corinthians 15:35, 40–42).
The telestial glory is for those who do not receive the
gospel of Jesus Christ or the testimony of Jesus or the prophets of God,
and who live sinful lives (see D&C 76:81–88, 98–103). I have some thoughts about the telestial kingdom! First off, it has a weird-ass name...
The terrestrial glory is for the honorable people of the
earth who are deceived and for those who are not valiant in the
testimony of Jesus Christ (see D&C 76:71–79). Quitters like me!
The celestial glory is reserved for those who obey the
commandments and receive the ordinances, overcome all things by faith in
Jesus Christ, and become pure in heart (see D&C 76:50–70). This place must totally kick ass!
Before going on, I have to ask, is it strange to anyone else that all of this information has to be pooled from all across the scriptural canan? Would you think that one of the Nephis or Almas or Mormons would have written about this a little more clearly? I do. I think that if this is how the plan really is, someone in the New Testament would have spelled it out very clearly. If this is the plan that every prophet has learned about since Adam, I think it's safe to say the Old Testament should have a chapter or two (or ten) outlining this whole thing. Instead we get to piece it all together from a selection of verses that require a fair amount of interpretation. God really loves his puzzles.
Ask class members to respond to the following questions: If they're still awake.
What did you learn about the plan of salvation that you did not know before? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! SERIOUSLY. NOTHING.
How do you feel when you think about Jesus Christ’s part in this great plan? Very confused. God's sense of justice is very Bronze Age and violent. It also strikes me as wholly ineffectual. I've never been able to sacrifice a living creature and have past mistakes be made right. How does that work exactly?
How can we show Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that we are grateful for Their plan? We don't have to show them anything because we're already completely naked before them. They can see through our hearts and minds.
To emphasize the great importance of the Savior’s Atonement in the plan of salvation, write the third article of faith below the completed chart as shown. We had to memorize this when we were 8 years old. Let's consider that the people taking this class are 18. That makes 10 years of repeating this article of faith. Don't you think they've got it by now? Doesn't this feel brainwashy at all to you?
Conclusion
Emphasize
that the temple provides us with knowledge about this plan, knowledge
that brings great blessings into our lives. I would love what significant details the endowment offers. I've done it many times, read through it several more. The temple offers nothing enlightening, just a bunch of bizarre "symbolic" details. Setting kids up to think they'll learn something new about the Plan seems dishonest to me. Promising "blessings" also seems dishonest. It's an invisible carrot that will never have a name or shape. Bear your testimony about
the blessings you have received because you understand the plan of
salvation and live the principles of the gospel. Invent something. Anything. You can say something generic like that because of the temple your family is happier, or that because of the temple you know more about God's plan. Just say something. And cry a little bit. But whatever you do, don't make any hardline promises. We'd hate for these kids to have real expectations!
You may want to conclude by showing “Man’s Search for Happiness.” Linked above.
"Whoa shit, guardian spirit dude! I wasn't even gonna touch
your golden treasure, promise!"
As Mormons, we believe that Joseph Smith got his knowledge and authority from the Highest of Authorities, yea, even the Kings of the Most High: God the Father and Jesus the Father (first just the Jesus and then the both of 'em - it doesn't matter...).
"Joseph, they're all self-righteous assholes.
And BTW, watch your fuckin' language around us."
But let's be honest, does that seem like a sufficient trump card for when others question your authority? Not when you don't even bother telling your family and followers that God the Father has spoken to you face to face. Instead Joseph dropped other names like Nephi/Moroni (he couldn't keep them straight at first), John the Baptist, Peter, James, and John. Only after he exhausted his some of these more recognizables he dropped the Elohim bomb on a few people. After that I'm sure it was easy to throw out that you've had special visits from the likes of Moses, Elijah, Elias, Paul, and just about everyone else worth meeting from the Bible and The Book of Mormon.
"Touch touch... touch touch touching. Sooo much touching. Never enough touching..."
The early saints eventually got tired of trying to discuss scripture with Joseph. He wasn't even pretending to pray about issues and wait for a revelation, he'd just shut people up with a "Fuck you! How would you know what Paul's trying to say in that verse anyway? Well I've fucking talked with Paul, so screw you!" It was enough to get anyone to stand down.
However, now that Joseph's dead and we can all get a word in, let's reflect for a moment on all these heavenly visitations Joseph claimed to have had.
Considering his direct contact with so many heavy hitters, why did it take him so long to figure out so many Gospel principles? What kinds of empty conversations was Joseph having with his heavenly messengers? Why did it take so long for polygamy to get some rules? All these visits and no clarifications that Joseph needed to ask for Emma's permission? Why did the temple endowment show up so late in the game? What's all this "line upon line, here a little there a little" business? When you're enjoying frequent visitations by all these incredibly important individuals, how can we honestly believe that they wouldn't spell things out very carefully and clearly in a short time rather than spread out Restoration through an extremely muddled communication model of prayer and trial and error?
If I listen to my heart I have to say this all sounds like total bullshit, and that is why I must doubt my doubts.
Here are a couple of very interesting facts about the whole Nauvoo Expositor fiasco.
1. The 15 resolutions the Expositor made against Joseph Smith were true. In fact, it's very difficult to find the "vicious lies" Joseph accused it of spreading.
2. Joseph Smith's order to destroy the Expositor printing press was a clear violation of the First Amendment of the Constitution - you know, the one guaranteeing the freedom of speech and of the press? That one. In other words, what Joseph and his followers did was strictly criminal (as was their practice of polygamy, by the way).
How are members supposed to justify Joseph's behavior? Where is God in all of this? What if I seriously doubt God had anything to do with any of this whole affair?
Dear monotheists, what would our world look like if God were some twisted, hateful being instead of a loving, nurturing being? What if God were purely sadistic instead of wholly protective, as we like to think?
“Is it more probable that nature should go out of
her course or that a man should tell a lie? We have never seen, in our
time, nature go out of her course. But we have good reason to believe
that millions of lies have been told in the same time. It is therefore
at least millions to one that the reporter of a miracle tells a lie.”
We typically place Emma Hale at the top of the long chain of Joseph Smith's wives because she was his first and only legal wife. However we need to keep in mind that today in LDS culture the first sealing indicates who the primary celestial spouse is. In the case of Emma and Joseph, they were not sealed until May 28, 1843 which means Emma is not wife #1 - she's something like wife #27. That's right, Joseph was sealed to well over twenty women before he was ever sealed to his dear Emma. WTF?
"Soun's like bullshit, son. I'm gonna go excite the public mind agains' ya!"
Why, oh why did Joseph not say anything about being persecuted until many years after his First Vision? Why, oh why did no one in Joseph Smith's family (or anyone else, for that matter) talk about Joseph
suffering persecution at the hand of the community?
It looks to me like Joseph, in an effort to turn himself into a new Paul, concocted a narrative of persecution for his followers to latch onto. A little pathos goes a long way. (Maybe he was persecuted but it wasn't quite as bad as he later made it out to be.)
But why worry about the early persecution at all? How does persecution logically indicate you're right about anything? Answer: because Satan.
If Joseph Smith's years of scrying and his story of gold plates that no one can see don't bother you at all, you probably won't be phased by Joseph's illegal creation of an "anti-bank" (sounds inspired by the Anti-Nephi-Lehies). It was a pure con that blew up in his face and cost the saints a pretty penny.
I have no idea how anyone can deny that Joseph was a conman. Doubt it if you can, shelf it if you must.
We might ask ourselves why exactly Emma stayed with Joseph if he was such a scoundrel. Surely she would have had enough self-respect to walk away from such an unfaithful husband, right?
Reading this commentary on why Camille Cosby might have stayed with Bill reminded me once again of Emma's position as a victim. Like Camille, she was married to a rising star, a man she loved and trusted. As her husband's public respect and power grew, so did her incentive to stay by his side. With so many speaking so highly of her husband, why would she believe the few dissenting voices? How can you stop loving and supporting someone who means the whole world to you?
Is it possible for a disgusting person to do amazing things like teach, entertain, and make thousands of people feel special? Do disgusting and criminal behaviors somehow undermine the good things someone does? Are we supposed to let men like Joseph Smith and Bill Cosby off the hook despite they're abuses?
Did Joseph Smith the stone seer write The Book of Mormon? Well the text does share an interest in locking down elusive treasure.
Yea, behold, the anger of the Lord is already kindled against you; behold, he hath cursed the land because of your iniquity. And behold, the time cometh that he curseth your riches, that they become slippery, that ye cannot hold them; and in the days of your poverty ye cannot retain them. And
in the days of your poverty ye shall cry unto the Lord; and in vain
shall ye cry, for your desolation is already come upon you, and your
destruction is made sure; and then shall ye weep and howl in that day,
saith the Lord of Hosts. And then shall ye lament, and say:O that I had repented, and had not killed the prophets, and stoned
them, and cast them out. Yea, in that day ye shall say: O that we had
remembered the Lord our God in the day that he gave us our riches, and
then they would not have become slippery that we should lose them; for
behold, our riches are gone from us. Behold,
we lay a tool here and on the morrow it is gone; and behold, our swords
are taken from us in the day we have sought them for battle. Yea, we have hid up our treasures and they have slipped away from us, because of the curse of the land.O
that we had repented in the day that the word of the Lord came unto us;
for behold the land is cursed, and all things are become slippery, and
we cannot hold them. (Helaman 13:30-36, emphasis mine)
And later on there's also this:
And these Gadianton robbers, who were among the Lamanites, did infest the land, insomuch that the inhabitants thereof began to hide up their treasures
in the earth; and they became slippery, because the Lord had cursed the
land, that they could not hold them, nor retain them again. (Mormon 1:18, emphasis mine)
Does God really do that kind of tricky shit or are these examples of how Joseph couldn't help but include his typical excuse (slipperiness) for never finding real treasure when out scrying?
How was Joseph Smith making a name for himself before he made a name for himself as the keeper and protector of golden plates? Like a lot of other good Americans of the early 19th century, he was treasure hunting.
Did Joseph stop pretending he could find treasure after the angel Moroni directed him to at least 50 or 60 pounds of golden goodness? No way!
But don't worry, it's not like Joseph faking people out about treasure could be linked to producing a questionable book of scripture.
Dallin Oaks is your typical authority-touting type. He was a Utah Supreme Court justice which for his fans means he's smart and level headed, but for the rest of us means he's used to being "right" and having the final say on everything. I suppose I wouldn't be too bothered by that if he didn't say such horrible things all the time. I cannot have faith in such a man.
HE'S ALL ABOUT CENSORSHIP:
“Some things that are true are not edifying or appropriate to
communicate. Readers of history and biography should ponder that moral
reality as part of their effort to understand the significance of what
they read.”
"When our leaders speak, the thinking has been done. When they propose a
plan - it is God's Plan. When they point the way, there is no other which
is safe. When they give directions, it should mark the end of
controversy, God works in no other way. To think otherwise, without
immediate repentance, may cost on e his faith, may destroy his
testimony, and leave him a stranger to the kingdom of God."
HE HAS NO REGARD FOR OTHER CULTURES. Seriously, who thinks Africa has one unifying culture? It's bad enough we think Mormonism has only one culture, but Africa, the continent? Holy shit.
For those wondering how to gain a witness of the Joseph Smith, The Book of Mormon and the LDS Church, consider the teachings of Boyd Packer:
It
is not unusual to have a missionary say, “How can I bear testimony
until I get one? How can I testify that God lives, that Jesus is the
Christ, and that the gospel is true? If I do not have such a testimony,
would that not be dishonest?”
Oh, if I could teach you this one principle. A testimony is to be found in the bearing of it!
This is the fake it till you make it strategy recently endorsed by Neil Andersen. It's supposedly that easy. All you have to do is want a spiritual witness really badly to the point that you start telling people you've had one even when you haven't and eventually you'll grow so comfortable repeating it that you might actually think you had one. Sound convincing?
I think it sounds like bullshit. Is this how apostles gain their "special witness"?
I also think it sounds a bit like bearing false witness, which happens to be one of the ten "thou shalt not"s. What does that commandment say again?
Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
Damn. It's "against they neighbor" not "to thine self and thine neighbors". I guess bearing a false testimony about Joseph is OK then.
For any of you who have ever doubted Joseph Smith because of something you've read online or from uncorrelated material, please read or listen to Neil Andersen's recent Conference talk. His strategy of quoting Joseph Smith about himself, reading a crazy-ass quote from John Taylor and offering up brainwashy methods of "gaining a testimony" should be enough to make you wonder if he's sincerely illogical or carefully hiding something. I can't help but think that his talk will ultimately do more harm to members' testimonies than he could possibly imagine. (And he's showing much love when he categorizes dissenters as Judases.)
Why will it harm members' testimonies? Because, as in the case of the Church's anti-science stance, Neil's argument requires that you reject study (as least anything you study that the Church won't like) and favor ignorance instead. In this case instead of repeating "I don't know" to ourselves we're supposed to repeat Joseph's false history to ourselves until we believe it. A testimony like that can only be protected by plugging your ears and shutting off your critical thinking.
"The biggest lie Satan can sell you is that he doesn't exist!"
I know you don't have to sit through LDS meetings to hear this frightening warning. No matter where you hear it, the point is clear: you had better not stop believing in Satan. That muthafuckahz the real thing! And he's scary as shit!
The horns are maybe more symbolic than literal, it's true, but let's just take a moment to recognize that many, many people have had visions of a Satan with horns and wings. They're tradition at this point, and Lord knows we Mormons love tradition.
And the folks who love Satan most really prefer this more traditional approach.
Now consider for just a moment how badly Satan wants you for himself.
Terrifying! Of course, Mormons know better than the Church of Satan (those satanist assholes have totally been deceived), they know he doesn't look like a goat or have horns or wings. He looks like us, for he is our spirit brother born of our Heavenly Parents. Some say he looks a bit like Barack Obama. Others think he's white.
More important than what our fallen brother looks like is what he wants. Satan wants you to suffer, brothers and sisters. He wants you to be fucking miserable for all eternity because that's exactly the kind of heartless, bodiless bastard he is (that's right, he was too rebellious to be given a body). He tempts and torments you at all times setting traps and waiting for you to fall into sin. I don't even like to think about his evil ways.
"Taste my happiness, y'all mothafuckahz! We got this!"
So where does this leave us with regards to a scary bogeyman named Satan? Do we trust Joseph Smith's tweaking of the Christian tradition or do we recognize the tradition has untenable origins and that we've been caught up in one of the longest running ghost stories on earth today?
Pay attention to how frequently our prophets, seers and revelators use the "because Satan" argument. Why should we find that argument convincing?
I'm no fan of Jeffrey R. Holland. I don't like him at all. When he first became an apostle I thought he was the shit, but I've changed my mind. I think he's a big boob. A big mean boob.
Why would I think such a horrible thing of such a wonderful man? Because I've finally seen his dirty, heartless ways.
A couple of excellent examples of Jeff's misbehavior have actually been caught on tape. Take a look at his horrible (but impassioned and blubberly) defense of The Book of Mormon he gave in General Conference a few years ago. He weaves, dodges, deflects, assumes, accuses, and cries. It just doesn't feel right to me.
What's even more obviously ugly is his behavior in this interview:
My favorite part comes at the end when Jeff gets so flustered and defensive he reverts to the logic of "Hey, hey, hey! I'm smart, I went to Yale, therefore I'm smart, therefore my belief is smart! I win!"
The part where he plays dumb about the Strengthening Church Members Committee is also pretty good.
If it seems like he has a hard time being open and honest, you're probably right. He had the same problem when his good friend Tom Phillips sought him out for help regarding the sticky issues of Mormonism.
Is this the type of man we want teaching us about right and wrong and making decisions for us? I doubt it.
God forgives generously. Think of all our horrible, awful sins. Swearing, selfishness, lies, stealing, fighting, lust, backbiting, sleeping in church, not blessing your snacks, not doing genealogy, loud laughter, and the list goes on. How can a Perfect Being possibly put up with such shenanigans? Then again I'm not sure how much God even cares.
But let's pretend God does care. I have some serious doubts about him being forgiving. If he's so forgiving, why did Jesus have to pay for our sins? I mean, if Jesus paid for our sins then there's no need to forgive them. FORGIVING A PRICE THAT'S ALREADY BEEN PAID MAKES NO SENSE. It's like hearing your waiter tell you your meal's on the house right after the bill's been paid.
Did Jesus pay the price or not? If he paid the price, God doesn't have to forgive shit (and neither does Jesus, apparently), and teaching that he forgives is nonsensical. If Jesus' brief suffering didn't quite do the job, then I guess God might still have a chance to prove how forgiving he is.
