Skylanders and The Book of Mormon

I found some Skylanders Skystones game cards in my cereal the other day and as I read the back of the little box they came in I was amazed at how familiar the story line sounded. I switched out a few nouns and a verb and this is what I got:

"The origins of [The Book of Mormon] go way back to the days of the [Nephites]. While experimenting with early [translation] technology and magic they discovered a form of enchanted stone that would allow anything [read through] it to become real. The Ancients worried that this power might fall into the wrong hands so they turned it into a [treasure hunt], purely for fun and leisure."

"Fuckin' A, dude, you found the magic stone! You win! Fun!!!"

It sounds like fun to me!

The Captain Kidd connection

 
Does The Book of Mormon bear the mark of pirate lore popular among early American settlers? Some say yes, others say no. Mormonthink has looked into the pop culture element and had found some interesting quotes; FAIR's approach favors the narrative that Joseph Smith wasn't a cartographer who would have had access to obscure maps.

What I see is this: 

1. Captain William Kidd did in fact bury treasure off the coast of New England (Gardiners Island and Block Island).
2. Joseph Smith's parents and grandparents came from Connecticut and New Hampshire.
3. Searching for more of his treasure was a popular pastime that spread far beyond the coast of Connecticut.
4. The Smiths were very engaged with treasure digging.

So is it reasonable to believe that Joseph was keyed into Captain Kidd lore, or am I just trying to be a doubter?

Anti-Banking

If Joseph Smith's years of scrying and his story of gold plates that no one can see don't bother you at all, you probably won't be phased by Joseph's illegal creation of an "anti-bank" (sounds inspired by the Anti-Nephi-Lehies). It was a pure con that blew up in his face and cost the saints a pretty penny.

I have no idea how anyone can deny that Joseph was a conman. Doubt it if you can, shelf it if you must.

Slippery treasures

Did Joseph Smith the stone seer write The Book of Mormon? Well the text does share an interest in locking down elusive treasure.

Yea, behold, the anger of the Lord is already kindled against you; behold, he hath cursed the land because of your iniquity. And behold, the time cometh that he curseth your riches, that they become slippery, that ye cannot hold them; and in the days of your poverty ye cannot retain them. And in the days of your poverty ye shall cry unto the Lord; and in vain shall ye cry, for your desolation is already come upon you, and your destruction is made sure; and then shall ye weep and howl in that day, saith the Lord of Hosts. And then shall ye lament, and say: O that I had repented, and had not killed the prophets, and stoned them, and cast them out. Yea, in that day ye shall say: O that we had remembered the Lord our God in the day that he gave us our riches, and then they would not have become slippery that we should lose them; for behold, our riches are gone from us. Behold, we lay a tool here and on the morrow it is gone; and behold, our swords are taken from us in the day we have sought them for battle. Yea, we have hid up our treasures and they have slipped away from us, because of the curse of the land. O that we had repented in the day that the word of the Lord came unto us; for behold the land is cursed, and all things are become slippery, and we cannot hold them. (Helaman 13:30-36, emphasis mine)

And later on there's also this:

And these Gadianton robbers, who were among the Lamanites, did infest the land, insomuch that the inhabitants thereof began to hide up their treasures in the earth; and they became slippery, because the Lord had cursed the land, that they could not hold them, nor retain them again. (Mormon 1:18, emphasis mine)

Does God really do that kind of tricky shit or are these examples of how Joseph couldn't help but include his typical excuse (slipperiness) for never finding real treasure when out scrying?

Treasure digging

How was Joseph Smith making a name for himself before he made a name for himself as the keeper and protector of golden plates? Like a lot of other good Americans of the early 19th century, he was treasure hunting.

Did Joseph stop pretending he could find treasure after the angel Moroni directed him to at least 50 or 60 pounds of golden goodness? No way!

But don't worry, it's not like Joseph faking people out about treasure could be linked to producing a questionable book of scripture.

Of course the LDS Church would like you to believe that all of Joseph's treasure digging was all practice for the translating processes.

Flora Ann Woodworth (Smith) Grove - wife #20

Joseph Smith's third teenaged bride was Flora Woodworth (November 14, 1826 - ca. 1850). The two met through Flora's father, Lucien, who was the architect of the Nauvoo House hotel. She was all of sixteen years old (and likely a virgin) when she married the prophet early in 1843.

William Clayton

Joseph seems to have been very excited about Flora and, according to William Clayton, met with her fairly regularly. He even gave her some bling: a gold watch.

The marriage complicated life for at least a few people. Emma found out about the relationship (no, she hadn't given her permission) and the gold watch, found Flora, bitched her out, and demanded the watch back. Joseph tried to reprimand her and got hell in return. Upon returning from a mission, Orange Wight, Flora's would be suitor, found out about the marriage and stopped his pursuit. He was nineteen.

Still not used to it, Emma?

After Joseph's assassination Flora married a non-member named Carlos Grove, with whom she had three children (but none with Joseph). She confessed to Helen Mar Kimball that marrying a non-member had caused regrettable ostracization in the Mormon community. The Groves tried to move out to Utah, but Flora died en route. She was in her mid-twenties.

Urim and Thummim

Though I feel it's common knowledge now, I had no idea that Joseph Smith discarded the Urim and Thummin as translating devises in favor of one of the magic, treasure-finding peep stones he had collected throughout his teens and twenties. He would put it in his hat and the words of the translation would appear before his eyes.

The Urim and Thummin approach with the gold plates at Joseph's fingertips is already pretty fucking magical, but removing the plates completely is totally fucking nuts.

And yet the LDS Church still defends the peep stone in a hat method even thought the Urim and Thummim framed in spectacle-like frames attached to a breastplate has been dragged around by Moroni for the sole specific purpose of translating the 50 lbs. (or more) plates 1200 years later. The Church even dares suggest that Joseph's heavy involvement in early American folk magic could have been used "for the higher purpose of translating scripture."

They must be joking. Seriously, it has to be a joke. How does bullshit treasure finder magic suddenly become a legitimate tool of God for the sake of translating ancient languages? This is like believing a tarot card reader turned bishop can use his card reading skills to better conduct worthiness interviews and lead the ward under the divine inspiration.

"I've also got some impressive stones, sister, should you be interested."

This is where Mormonism starts to feel like a gullibility contest.

What it's all about

If The Book of Mormon was written for these latter days, why does its content seem so tightly focused on Joseph Smith's day? The whole thing is essentially a series of Second Great Awakening style sermons strung together in a narrative based on the answer to the question "who are the indigenous Americans?" In addition to the religious concerns of the early 19th century and the curiosities surrounding the First Nations people, we have a number of other very culturally specific topics of concern such as the preoccupation with avoiding a king as a ruler and opting instead for self-governance, declaring independence, war as a means of obtaining freedom, frontier justice, colonization, suspicion of secret societies like the Freemasons, and treasure seeking.

What does The Book of Mormon contain that addresses our current concerns about racism, LGBTQ rights, gender equality, abortion, proper taxation, etc. with the same perspective and precision? One might be prone to say that The Book of Mormon was written in Joseph's day for himself, and not thousands of years ago for us and our posterity. Unless you're one of these folks and have an awesome ability to make shit up.

WoW - health, smarts, endurance

The Word of Wisdom is one of those awesome commandments with a promise at the very end.

"And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, shall receive health in their navel and marrow to their bones; And shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures; And shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint." (D&C 89:18-20, emphasis added)

Health in the navel and the marrow means you'll be healthy to your core! A fountain of health from the depths of your very skeletal frame! That alone is reason enough to follow the Word of Wisdom, but there's more! Knowledge, popping up like gold nuggets on the coast of Nome! And serious physical endurance!

I just wonder why God doesn't recommend study as a means for attaining knowledge and wisdom and why he never once recommends physical exercise for people who want to "run and not be weary." It's almost as if God didn't see our days when advanced degrees and sedentary careers are the norm. This oversight has forced us all to extrapolate some modern-day wisdom of our own from the scarcity of words in the Word of Wisdom.