Temple Prep - "Come to the Temple"

The following text is taken from the pamphlet "Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple" (2002) and annotated by me.

 

There are many reasons why one should want to come to the temple. Even its external appearance seems to hint of its deeply spiritual purposes. Sounds like curiosity and you said curiosity was not a good reason to go to the temple. I should also add that the external appearance of the temple is all you get before going through. No one hears about the secret rituals unless they have someone close to them break the temple rules or they do a little online searching. Much more is this evident within its walls. Over the door to the temple appears the tribute “Holiness to the Lord.” When you enter any dedicated temple, you are in the house of the Lord. That "Holiness to the Lord" tribute is still external, sir, not "within its walls". Anyway, I really hope you explain some of the internal stuff to help us all understand just why you think the Lord would live in an LDS temple. I suspect you saw him there one morning in his pajamas frying a couple of eggs, or at least found his toothbrush in the bathroom.

In the Church we build buildings of many kinds. Like luxury malls, sky rise apartments and anything else that will fit in a city designed for 500 thousand people. We're busy little bees, ain't we? In them we worship, we teach, we find recreation, we organize. You forgot "buy", "sell", "invest" and "strategize". We can organize stakes and wards and missions and quorums and Relief Societies in these buildings or even in rented halls. But, when we organize families according to the order that the Lord has revealed, we organize them in the temples. What? It sounds like you need a little lesson on how families are made. There are several options. The most popular method is sexual reproduction. Another very popular approach is adoption. Both sexual reproduction and adoption can happen different ways, but I'm guessing you're already not paying attention...  Temple marriage, that sealing ordinance, is a crowning blessing that you may claim in the holy temple. The way you've framed it, it sounds more like the capstone requiring a skillful crane maneuver. 

In the temples members of the Church who make themselves eligible can participate in the most exalted of the redeeming ordinances that have been revealed to mankind. There, in a sacred ceremony, an individual may be washed and anointed and instructed and endowed and sealed. Weren't we washed at baptism? Why do we need to be washed again? And what do we need anointing for? How does the content of the instruction you speak of differ from our regular meetings? What does "endowed" mean exactly? I think sealings are the only thing non-endowed members really understand before they go through the temple. It means an eternal marriage, right? A marriage that can never ever be dissolved by God or man. And when we have received these blessings for ourselves, we may officiate for those who have died without having had the same opportunity. Why would God not give so many billions of his children this opportunity in life? Why would he make nearly everyone who's ever lived writhe in sorrow and anguish over the unavoidable loss of their loved ones at death for the duration of their earth life? Don't you think they'll be at least a little annoyed to find out that someone else was sealed on their behalf? That all their emotional suffering was for nothing? The jokes on them! In the temples the sacred ordinances are performed for the living and for the dead alike. Those who died without the law are exempt from the law. That's what the scriptures say. Do you believe your own scriptures? Here is the baptismal font, where vicarious baptisms for the dead are performed, with worthy members acting as proxy for those who have gone beyond the veil. Baptism, like most rites in most cultures, is horribly arbitrary. It's almost like God didn't think this through.

“Come to the temple.” If not now, come soon. Pray fervently, set your lives in order, save whatever you can in hopes that that day may come. "Save" as in "save your money so you can spend it on temple attendance? This finally sounds a bit like temple attendance in Jesus' day. Will we buy sacrificial doves and oxen there or just T-shirts and keychains? Start now that sometimes very difficult and discouraging journey of repentance. Because you know your reader is that besmirched with sin? Keep in mind that your audience has been baptized, and repentance, dear brother, is a prerequisite for baptism. What I mean is, we know about repentance. The temple transforms the individual and makes abundantly worthwhile any efforts made to get there. You're right about being transformed. I doubled my efforts to understand what I had gotten involved in and those efforts to understand ultimately changed my life in a big way. For some who live at great distances from a temple, the temples will come to you before you might come to them. Keep your faith and your hope and determine that you will come—that you will be worthy and that you will come to the temple. If you're online you have no excuse for not going to the temple right now.

Temple Prep - "These Things Are Sacred"

The following text is taken from the pamphlet "Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple" (2002) and annotated by me.

A careful reading of the scriptures reveals that the Lord did not tell all things to all people. No kidding! A handful of patriarchs, a few Israelite prophets here and there, early Christians and now Mormons. The rest of the world got totally screwed and didn't even hear from him. What kind of father would be so inconsistent with his children? "Hey, I have some rules you all better learn to follow, but I'm not telling most of you what they are. Good luck!" From what you've said in one sentence I can already tell I don't like the Lord. There were some qualifications set that were prerequisite to receiving sacred information. Like what? Do explain. Temple ceremonies fall within this category. Says who? Please cite some authority figure (preferably God).

We do not discuss the temple ordinances outside the temples. No one discusses about the temple in the temple either. Fortunately plenty of people feel free to talk about it online. It was never intended that knowledge of these temple ceremonies would be limited to a select few who would be obliged to ensure that others never learn of them. It is quite the opposite, in fact. With great effort we urge every soul to qualify and prepare for the temple experience. Riiiiiight, Mormons are just the gatekeepers who sit and unrighteously judge others to be unworthy. Those who have been to the temple have been taught an ideal: Someday every living soul and every soul who has ever lived shall have the opportunity to hear the gospel and to accept or reject what the temple offers. Too bad the LDS temple wasn't part of Christ's practice - the Jewish temple was. If this opportunity is rejected, the rejection must be on the part of the individual. Why would God set up a system where the VAST MAJORITY of human beings would only hear about Jesus and the LDS temple after they die? It makes no sense.

The ordinances and ceremonies of the temple are simple. They're Masonic and designed to test one's memory. They are beautiful. Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. They are sacred. Not to the vast majority of people living on earth... They are kept confidential lest they be given to those who are unprepared. No, they're kept confidential because that's the tradition of the Masonic fraternity they come from. Curiosity is not a preparation. Isn't it at least a start? A seed to experiment upon? Deep interest itself is not a preparation. What if that deep interest has led to lots and lots of study? Preparation for the ordinances includes preliminary steps: faith, repentance, baptism, confirmation, worthiness, a maturity and dignity worthy of one who comes invited as a guest into the house of the Lord. Actually faith and baptism are what Jesus asked for, well, and that we give all our money to the poor and love our neighbors like we love ourselves.

We must be prepared before we go to the temple. You said that already. We must be worthy before we go to the temple. You said that too. There are restrictions and conditions set. You said that as well. They were established by the Lord and not by man. Show us where he made these restrictions. Maybe in the Handbook of Instruction Vol. 1? And, the Lord has every right and authority to direct that matters relating to the temple be kept sacred and confidential. I suppose he does, but is this a matter of legal rights? Couldn't we also argue that every man, woman and child has a right to know what God has up his sleeve?

All who are worthy and qualify in every way may enter the temple, there to be introduced to the sacred rites and ordinances. If we can be introduced to baptism before being baptized (including the exact wording of the prayer, the white jumpsuits and practice plugging our nose), why can we not be introduced to other ordinances before we do them?

Temple prep - Preparing to Enter the House of the Lord

This month's issue of the New Era focuses on getting kids excited about taking out their temple endowment. How informative is this form of temple preparation? Text found here.

Smile when you think of the temple. OK! It is a place of power and blessing. Cool. I hope you explain this power and describe these blessings later on.

At a temple open house, I noticed some girls file behind their parents through the temple. They smiled as they found their reflections in brides’ room mirrors. Thrilled at the thought of fulfilling their role as wives and breeders no doubt. “Remember,” their grandmother whispered, “how special you are and how much Heavenly Father loves you.” Says you, Grandma. Heavenly Father's more of the silent type, if you haven't noticed. Each girl imagined the time when she would return to the temple as a woman of faith, with maturing loveliness and capacity, ready to fulfill her mission on the earth. "Maturing loveliness"? Really? You mean boobs and birthing hips? And "her mission on earth" is sexual reproduction, right? How dare you write so disgustingly about teenage girls? Boys who attended the open house also had glimpses of their future blessings and responsibilities. What blessings? What are you talking about? How did you get in these boys' heads exactly? How do you know they were contemplating their "future responsibilities"? And what are those responsibilities? Tithing? Fatherhood? What are you talking about?

What these children felt in the temple was right. You don't even know what they felt, dude. You assume you do. Heavenly Father wants to bless you. How? And why would the temple make that any easier? You do know he's God, right? God can kind of do what he wants. His greatest blessings come as you enter the temple to receive sacred ordinances and to make and keep sacred covenants. What are those blessings? Where does God ever discuss in scripture the nature of the temple and its blessings in detail? Let me tell you: the Old Testament. Do you know what ancient temple worship was like? I'll tell you: nothing like modern LDS temple worship. There was a lot of buying animals, killing them, putting their blood and guts on an alter, and burning incense to cover the smell of slaughter. You are responsible to prepare and be ready. I sure hope you tell us how to do this.

The temple is important in your life, especially when you’re young: “The young man needs his place in the temple even more than his father and his grandfather, who are steadied by a life of experience; and the young girl just entering life, needs the spirit, influence and direction that come from participation in the temple ordinances.”¹ Sure, if you say so. Can you explain why it's so much more important to the younger generations? I'm not getting it. If the temple ordinances are essential for everyone, how can they be more important for anyone? Begin now to prepare your heart and mind to be able to fully receive and understand these blessings. You already said this...

Receiving the Fulness of the Gospel  

"Fulness of the Gospel" refers to repentance and baptism (see 3 Ne. 11:40). The Book of Mormon is said to contain the "fulness of the Gospel" and it makes no reference to a dramatized temple play about Adam and Eve. The Book of Mormon also says the Bible contains the "fulness of the Gospel" and the Bible also lacks a description of our current LDS temple endowment. Let's be honest and stop pretending that Christ's gospel includes all the Mormon temple weirdness.

If you will prepare yourself to enter the temple, you will be “ready to receive the fulness of [His] gospel” in the temple (D&C 35:12; emphasis added). That verse says nothing about the temple endowment. The temple is a place of power and blessing. The pull quote from above! Let's see if you explain either the power or the blessings... The Lord instructed the Prophet Joseph Smith and the early Saints to gather to Kirtland, Ohio, USA, where they would eventually build a temple. Damn, looks like you preferred to skip the explanation. Oh well. On to the Kirtland temple... Are you insinuating that it was used the same way as today's temples? I hope not. It was more like a stake center and storehouse, and you probably know that. “There you shall be endowed with power from on high” (D&C 38:32; emphasis added). This revelation was given in 1831. When was the endowment introduced? Over a decade later shortly after Joseph Smith had become a Freemason. It's safe to say that the endowment of power mentioned in D&C 38 has nothing to do with the Freemasonry ceremonies the LDS Church later co-opted.

At a recent temple open house, an Apostle gathered his family around the holy altar in a sealing room. He taught them that everything we do in the Church—classes, activities, programs, and meetings—prepares us to come to the temple altar to receive the sealing ordinance. That's so true. Unfortunately for Mormons Jesus never taught it. The temple represents the very essence of your Heavenly Father’s plan for your eternal happiness and progression. If only that plan made any sense.

Preparing to Make Covenants with God

Your preparation to enter the temple and make covenants doesn’t happen quickly. The minimum requirement for an adult convert is a year. That's not very long. It began with your baptism and the confirming gift of the Holy Ghost and then grows with prayer, scripture study, obedience, and service. Actually faith and baptism is really all Jesus ever asked for. If someone does everything you've listed, Jesus would be thrilled. It invites cleanliness weekly as you participate in the sacrament. Partaking of the Lord's supper was about participating in the community of Christians (the body of Christ), not about preparing to dawn a bunch of robes and pretend you're Adam or Eve. It happens as you learn to seek forgiveness through repentance, as you keep standards, and as you worthily carry a limited-use temple recommend. Yes, keeping your Jr. membership card certainly keeps your eye focused on becoming a gold member card carrier. Youth programs will help you, but your preparation is personal; you are developing your worthiness, your testimony, your conversion. How can teens have a testimony of something they've never heard about in their lives? Tell them, please, what happens in the temple! The Savior’s Atonement applies to you personally. Non sequitur.

As you increase your level of spiritual maturity, you will desire to prepare for and enter the temple. Don't confuse maturity for increased gullibility, deeper financial investment and fear of non-conformity, sir. There you will receive ordinances and make covenants, which are necessary steps to draw closer to your Heavenly Father. Which ordinances? Which covenants? Can't you spell them out? Why don't the New Testament and Book of Mormon mention anything besides baptism? Temple ordinances are “the most exalted … ordinances that have been revealed to mankind.”² You mean revealed to the Freemasons in the late Middle Ages and stolen by Joseph Smith in the 1840s.

As you receive temple ordinances, you make solemn covenants with your Father only one time for yourself, and then you will strive to abide by them throughout your life. Holy cow, you actually kind of said something informative!! Kids, according to Mormon doctrine, you only have to go through once! Each time you enter the temple, you can feel of His Spirit and receive additional revelation and understanding while providing the necessary ordinances for others. What if we don't feel the spirit at all, let alone receive revelation? As for "others", why are we doing the work for people who's names have already gone through the temple many times before? You will understand and receive assurance of your eternal existence and the unending power of your covenants. I didn't. The temple made me feel very unsure of everything and made covenants feel cheap. If we were not eternal beings, the temple would have no significance. You don't know we are eternal. No one does. You may hope and believe we are, but you don't know. If you or anyone else wishes to disagree, please present your evidence. You enter the temple and make covenants because you will exist eternally and want to be with your Heavenly Father and your family in “never-ending happiness” (Mosiah 2:41). Heavenly Father is such a loving dad, right? This assurance grows in your own soul and is confirmed by the Holy Ghost. Unless it doesn't and isn't. What do you have to say to people who made every effort to experience this and didn't?

Being Worthy

The role of the Holy Ghost is real. He teaches you, purifies you, and conveys the Father’s love (see Romans 5:5). Does he?The Holy Spirit of Promise is the ratifying power of the Holy Ghost, which validates each covenant eternally. How bureaucratic.

In order to receive the Spirit, you must enter the temple clean and pure, free from any unforgiven transgression. Or else what? Your endowment doesn't count? Name one case of an unworthy person's presence being detected. Please explain what happens to the children and grandchildren of a someone who was unworthy at his or her sealing. Do you have answers to these kinds of questions or are you just trying to scare kids into conformity? If the adversary could succeed in any way to overcome you, it would be to keep you from the temple or to entice you to go there unworthily. Satan's very scary like that. What would happen should he succeed? Does the temple cave in on you? Let's lower the stakes now. What happens to the sacrament, for example, when it's blessed by teenage hands that have masturbated only hours before?

For this reason, you will be invited to sit in a personal interview with your bishop or branch president, to consider your worthiness and readiness to receive a recommend to enter the temple. These interviews are the worst, even for kids who have nothing to confess. Not only that, they shouldn't be allowed. Parents, do not let your teens be interviewed alone behind closed doors! Be honest and trust him to help you. Why trust him? He has no professional training. How do we know he's not jerking off like the rest of us? In reality, you are determining your own standing before the Lord (see D&C 109:24). Are you sure you cited the right verse? Yes, it used the word "standing" but that doesn't mean it backs up your point, which wasn't a bad one, by the way. I think it makes a lot of sense to cut out the middle man and take things into your own hands. You will sign your own recommend first. You are witnessing your worthiness before the Lord. ³ No, it's to the bishop and the temple ushers. They say God can see your whole heart and mind, so he wouldn't need to watch you sign your name, would he?

To be worthy does not mean you are perfect yet. It means that your heart is right, that you are living the commandments, and that you desire to be better each day. So if we feel our heart is in the right place (I felt that way), we're living the commandments (I was), and we desire to improve day to day (I certainly did) we can skip the interview? Of course not. God still needs to watch us sign our name for some reason.

Learning from Symbols

In the temple, as in the scriptures, the Lord teaches using symbols. You can find many symbols in the scriptures, such as the rock, the seed, the fruit, the tree of life, and the bread and water of the sacrament (see, for example, 1 Nephi 11; Alma 32; Helaman 5:12). Baptism by immersion symbolizes new life, rebirth, and cleanliness (see Romans 6:3–5). In the temple we all wear white, symbolizing purity, holiness, light, and equality. Wow! You just taught an actual symbol from the temple! Oh wait, that whole white=purity/holiness thing is from baptism (and baby blessings). Nothing new here.

Some symbols in the temple are both physical and spiritual. For example, wearing the garment is a physical daily reminder of the temple covenants and the promised blessings. If respected and honored, the garment protects us from temptations and unrighteous influences. Does it? So it's like a magic Satan shield? Say we're about to steal something, for example, will we suddenly think of our uncomfortable underwear and remember what it means? Never mind, I have a more important question: How is this different from the Gift of the Holy Ghost that we get at confirmation? Isn't he supposed to be prompting us and keeping us from evil all the time? So why in the world do we need garments or an awful script if they're doing the exact same thing?

Each of the temple ordinances is symbolic. And also literal, though. I was physically anointed with oil, brother. A man said the words and touched my naked body. That's literal. I also literally wore some ridiculous clothes on top of my ridiculous garments and was taught about the true robes of the Priesthood and the false Priesthood robes of Satan. It's not just symbolism. “In a sacred ceremony, an individual may be washed and anointed,”⁴ reminiscent of the kings and priests of ancient Israel being prepared to take their positions (see 1 Samuel 10:1; 16:13). Yeah, but we're also literally being anointed to become kings and priests, queens and priestesses to the most high. That's literal, not symbolic. That's why these ordinances are essential, right? The instruction and covenants in the endowment signify being clothed or invested with additional power and promises from God (see Luke 24:49). Please take a few paragraphs to lay out what we covenant in the temple. Also, this verse has nothing to do with the LDS temple, don't pretend it does. It's dishonest. Perhaps the most beautiful symbol is the sealing ordinance, in which a couple is united in an unbreakable bond which can last through all eternity. So is there a real "unbreakable bond" or is it just symbolic? Most Mormons tend to think they really truly are literally going to be with their families forever when they get sealed.

The promises in the temple are rich and noble. What are they? You still haven't told us. They are the “great favors” and “great blessings” (3 Nephi 10:18) that our Father has reserved for you personally. So I read the verse and it seems like you're implying that we'll personally see Jesus if we go to the temple. Is that what you're saying. You're being extremely vague yet tantalizingly suggestive. So smile when you think of the temple. Smile because we love mystery?

No matter your age, do whatever is necessary to be ready to receive the greatest blessings your Father in Heaven offers to you. And you think that those blessings are found in the enactment of a 2-hour Freemason-inspired dress rehearsal for the Celestial Kingdom? That would be nutty. Oh yeah, how come you haven't mentioned Freemasonry yet?? Trust how it felt when you were a child and sang, “I love to see the temple. I’m going there someday. … I’ll prepare myself while I am young. This is my sacred duty.”⁵ I felt a lot of things while singing Primary songs. Usually I felt anxious to get home and eat. Later in life I felt uncomfortable hearing children sing those songs. They felt brainwashy, especially "I Love to See the Temple". It can be true for you. Kent, I'm sorry to say this, but you're a shitty salesman. :(

Why Do We Build Temples?

“We must gain some feeling for why we build temples, and why the ordinances are required of us. "Feeling", not understanding? Thereafter we are continually instructed and enlightened on matters of spiritual importance. Do we take classes or have deep discussions in the temple? No, no we do not. It comes line upon line, precept upon precept, until we gain a fullness of light and knowledge. You mean until we see Jesus in the flesh? No, you mean we sit in silence and go through the endowment a bunch of times until we think we have it all figured out. We make up all the addition lines and invent all of the new precepts for ourselves because no one sets us straight. We remain tight-lipped about it all (because it's sacred) and then we die. This becomes a great protection to us—to each of us personally. … What "fullness of light and knowledge" becomes a "great protection"? You haven't explained it, you just insist on it.

“… No work is more spiritually refining. Jesus would very much disagree with you. Try feeding the hungry, clothing the naked and caring for the sick. No work we do gives us more power. This means nothing to your reader because you haven't explained the "power" is or why we need more of it. No work requires a higher standard of righteousness. Not even parenthood? You can be a parent without being endowed.

“Our labors in the temple cover us with a shield and a protection. … More empty words. Please explain yourself.

“… If we will enter into our covenants without reservation or apology, the Lord will protect us. Considering the fact that we almost all enter the temple without any real knowledge of what we'll be doing there, I think it's safe to say that essentially everyone enters without reservation or apology. So what is the Lord protecting us from? We will receive inspiration sufficient for the challenges of life. … This is not true. I received no inspiration that was worth a damn in the temple. None. Maybe I'm the exception...

“So come to the temple—come and claim your blessings.” What blessings? You keep making promises without saying what those promises are.

Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple (booklet, 2002), 37.

Key Points

• In the temple you receive ordinances essential to your salvation. Only baptism is essential. Read your scriptures.
• You must enter the temple clean and pure, free from any unforgiven transgression. Or else what?
• As in the scriptures, many of the teachings and ordinances in the temple are symbolic, allowing you to learn more and more each time you return to the temple. What happens when you run out of symbols? Or when all the symbols mean the same thing? What about all the literal stuff? You didn't really discuss that. In fact, you didn't really discuss anything. This whole article was nothing more than smoke and mirrors. May God have mercy on your dishonest soul. 

Mormon vs. secular - the meaning of life

The LDS Church is very proud of how it answers the question "why are we here?" Mormons totally know what it's all about:

CHOICES!

"Pick a side, breh!"

Life, dear brothers and sisters, is one big test. Heavenly Father wants us to prove to him that we can make the right choices while in our mortal bodies (hint: choose the right, y'all!)

Here's how it works: Heavenly Father gave us free agency on earth in part so we could experience the joy of being wrong from time to time in order to learn how to be right all the time. God wants us to be perfect, just like he is, but that requires a fierce trial of our faith (God's very into testing our fidelity, BTW).  Part of that trial involves an invisible host tempting us and trying to deceive us. We have to figure out when those devils are speaking to us. See, God wants us to make mistakes so we can learn, BUT he also hates mistakes because they're either totally below him or just down right evil (he refers to many human shortcomings as sin) and won't let anyone around him who makes them. So what he did was make a law that it's OK to kill a perfect someone (in our case Jesus) to somehow make up for all the bad decisions we're responsible for. So we're responsible for learning to being better but mostly just responsible for learning about Jesus and being grateful to God for killing him sacrificially to himself for us. In other words, he needs to know that we are smart enough to accept the Atonement for all the mistakes we've made, and we do that by being baptized and then joyfully sitting in church for three hours on Sunday and various other long hours throughout the week.

Sign us up for team Most High God!

It's not too hard to see why someone might not get on board with this plan right away - mostly because that whole vicarious sacrificial atonement part makes absolutely no sense. Satan (our spirit brother formerly known by his Latin moniker, Lucifer) was one of those spirits who didn't like God's plan, and - even though God's plan clearly called for a bunch of rebellious spirits to trip up the non-rebellious as best they could - somehow he was too fucking stupid to realize that by not accepting God's plan he would totally become the sorry ass evil spirit to plague the children of men. So this totally fucking stupid Satan made his own ludicrous plan, in which he would somehow force everyone to behave themselves by somehow denying them any kind of autonomous control of their thoughts and actions (we don't have any more specific details than that) so we'd never make mistakes and all be perfect so God wouldn't have a problem with us being around him after we die. The problem is no one can learn and be happy with someone else making all their decisions for him or her.

Satan's sad evil drone clones.

Now we come back to where we started, according to Mormon thought, to be happy we must make our own decisions. If you don't believe it, just look how unhappy people are under dictators! So make your own choices, learn, and learn to be happy. Just make doubly goddamn sure you believe killing Jesus magically liberates you of your every sin and weakness, get baptized, become a member of the One True Church, pay 10% of your gross income to the Church, attend your weekly Sunday meetings, eat enchanted bread and pretend it's Jesus meat, drink enchanted water and pretend it's Jesus blood, think how the Brethren tell you to think, find another Mormon of the opposite sex who does all of the above, marry that person of the opposite sex in the House of the Lord, have sex, make babies, and teach them these marvelous truths... because otherwise God's going to be pissed and he won't let you hang out with him ever again!

"Shoo!"

What's that? You don't like how this is panning out? It doesn't sound meaningful enough? It sounds downright arbitrary? Really? Well what does the secular world offer you here? Is it any better? What according to the secular thought is life all about? I'll tell you: NOT MUCH!

Lame! You stole this from Jesus!

Waaa! You're so persecuted!

Secularist think you can make up your own meaning of life! They actually think you have the ability to come up with your own reasons for living! It's absurd! Find your niche and thrive in it, they say. Where would such absolute autonomy over your own life come from? Why not just accept and conform your life to Mormon meaning of life? It's easier and guaranteed to make you a god.

Making good men better

Growing up I remember hearing a David O. McKay quote quite often (#25):

To me this sounded like a proof of the Church. What we have makes better people, therefore we are the One True Church of God on Earth. It also sounded like a justification for staying Mormon even if the Church weren't true. Why abandon the fiction if it leads men to self-improvement? I preferred to see this statement as wise, prophetic council for a true prophet of God...

That is until I looked up "make good men better" on the Internet and learned that this little motto has been lifted from the Freemasons! (It's not the only thing Mormonism has borrowed.)

If the prophet's just getting his material from the Freemasons, what the hell are we doing in church instead of attending our local lodge? We might as well go to the source, right?

Here's your conspiracy handshake picture of the day. TOTAL FREEMASON HANDSHAKE!!!

Sex changes - "become great men"

General authorities have a lot to say about the innate qualities of women and their divinely appointed role here on earth. What happens if we flip the sexes in what they have to say about the topic? Do we have a nonsensical statement because the logic is gender dependent, or do we end up with a statement that still agrees with LDS thought because gender is irrelevant?

"Cultivate and employ generously your noble, manly instincts of care and mercy, first to your family and then to others. May you always hunger and thirst after righteousness within the framework of the revealed gospel of Jesus Christ. May you have an eternal perspective as you go about your angelic cause of doing good so that it will not only lead you to become great men but ultimately to become kings in the eternities." James E. Faust, "How Near to the Angels," New Era, Mar, 1999, 4.

This quote also seems to work just fine when addressing men instead of women. Talk of being caring and merciful might get us thinking about women but it's more likely to get us thinking about Heavenly Father and Jesus, and just as likely to bring to mind our father or grandfathers or even a friend who's a man. Womanliness or femaleness has little, if anything, to do with care and mercy. The other potential clue that the Faust here is talking about women and not men is his reference to "your angelic cause." I would dare say that we typically associate angels and the adjective "angelic" with women,

and yet all the angels mentioned in scripture (with the exception of two possibly evil stork-winged women bearing a woman representing wickedness off to Babylon) are men. No female angels, isn't that interesting? It would very much appear that angelic causes are male causes.

I'm starting to think James Faust was completely off base addressing these thoughts to women.

LDS missions map

The LDS Church has got you covered! Look how it's covering the whole earth with its missionaries. They're especially going to be all over you if you're poor and uneducated because gullibility - OOPS! I MEAN HUMILITY!

Aliens - other worlds

Did you know that you have long lost spiritual brothers and sisters living out on other planets? Well Joseph Smith did!
 
I remember being taught as a little kid that Earth is just one of the many populated planets that Jehovah (Jesus) had made under the direction of Elohim (Heavenly Father). Do Mormons believe in aliens? You had better fuckin' believe it! But not the weird Star Trek kind, just normal, Homo sapiens kind.

In fact you don't have to go too far to find some of these brothers and sisters. Joseph Smith found tall Quakers on the Moon

and Brigham Young found that the Sun is inhabited.

Science has shown that they were totally right, right? No? Well it will! For now all you need to know is that Jesus died for all aliens, not just for us.

Why God requires polygamy

The LDS Church did something big. It finally opened up to discussing its lesser-known polygamist past. Congratulations, Mormons. Truly and sincerely.

But I do have a few questions:

1. What is inherently righteous, holy or godly about plural marriage? Where is the divinity in this principle?

2. Why is polygamy part of the Gospel Restoration? What does it have to do with the Fall, the Atonement and the Final Judgement? How does it fit into the salvation of humankind?

3. What good did plural marriage accomplish either for God or Joseph or any of his wives or anyone else involved in a plural marriage or the Mormon community in general or humanity at large?

From what I can tell the article offers no answers. Why not?

Quick Guide to Continued Belief

This comes from the Internet.

"[T]hose who have been led by the Letter to a CES Director to abandon their faith, should, in my view, reconsider those Mormon claims and the abundant historical support that’s available for them. They simply haven’t studied enough." -Daniel C. Peterson, fairmormon.org. 

Mormonism: a gospel "so simple even a child could understand" but so nuanced only a person with the equivalent of a PhD of study of church history could actually convince themselves was true. But what do I know? I'm just another apostate.

P.S. If you're not following Just Another Apostate on Facebook, you probably should.

Jesus and the infinite atonement

How does it make any sense whatsoever that because Jesus suffered for our sins and shortcomings everything will one day be restored to perfection? How does it make any sense that one event that took place thousands of years ago is making things right today? Try anticipating your great-great grandchildren's debts and having the money ready for them in their exact moment of need. Try doing something today to absolutely guarantee your house will be clean in 100 years.

You can't do it, can you? Well God did. He did it for everyone. It was easy. He just had to kill his demigod offspring.

It works that way, promise! I know you don't have any demigod children of your own, but I'm sure that sacrificing one of your regular mortal children should at least take your mind off dinner for a week or two. Just make sure to burn the fat for Jehovah.

The forgiving god

God forgives generously. Think of all our horrible, awful sins. Swearing, selfishness, lies, stealing, fighting, lust, backbiting, sleeping in church, not blessing your snacks, not doing genealogy, loud laughter, and the list goes on. How can a Perfect Being possibly put up with such shenanigans? Then again I'm not sure how much God even cares.

But let's pretend God does care. I have some serious doubts about him being forgiving. If he's so forgiving, why did Jesus have to pay for our sins? I mean, if Jesus paid for our sins then there's no need to forgive them. FORGIVING A PRICE THAT'S ALREADY BEEN PAID MAKES NO SENSE. It's like hearing your waiter tell you your meal's on the house right after the bill's been paid.

Did Jesus pay the price or not? If he paid the price, God doesn't have to forgive shit (and neither does Jesus, apparently), and teaching that he forgives is nonsensical. If Jesus' brief suffering didn't quite do the job, then I guess God might still have a chance to prove how forgiving he is.

Well, as long as we repent first.

Heavenly fatherliness #40 - Whatever it takes

According to popular wisdom, a good father will do whatever he can for his family.

Heavenly Father does exactly what he has to do for his family. He came up with the Perfect Plan involving the Perfect Murder (or Suicide), and everything has gone, is still going, and will continue to go according to plan. So make sure you're on the his side when the final whistle is blown. If you can't make sense of the Plan or are put off on his murder scheme, don't blame God. It's your fault, not his.

You really should be doing whatever it takes to doubt your doubts.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #30 - Work ethic

According to popular wisdom, a good father has a strong work ethic.

We all know that God worked very hard when he created everything and declared it all to be very good. Then he rested a lot. He also works to bring about our eternal happiness. Works... Worked. Well maybe not him, but Jehovah-Jesus worked. God kind of delegated everything to him, remember?

Jehovah (who is pre-mortal Jesus, according to Mormon doctrine) created the Universe and was the god of the Old Testament. Then, when Jehovah took on a tabernacle of flesh, he changed his name to Joshua (a.k.a. Jesus) and took a couple of hours to die for everyone, at which point he declared "It is finished." Work's over, time to go home.

But we can't say Heavenly Father's not pulling his load just because Jesus gets to do the all the heavy lifting: creating, self-sacrificing, and final judging. Let's not forget that someone had to come up with the blueprints, the plan, and the laws. That's a lot of big brain business. I'd like to see you orchestrate something as detailed and time sensitive as setting up a purebred Joseph son of Joseph (descendant of Joseph, who was sold into Egypt) finding ancient scriptures before anyone else. I'm sure he really had to sit down and think that thing through.

Then again, how hard can this kind of organization be for God? Can we really believe the Man who knows everything and has all power does anything that he himself might call work? What kind of effort would actually register on the scale of God's infinite abilities?

I'm not seeing how this adds up.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #12 - Initiative to help

According to popular wisdom, a good father takes pity on his wife and children and takes the initiative to help them.

Once again we run into the issue of a Perfect, Infinite Being having the capacity to relate to and feel anything for such lowly creatures as man, but let's just pretend he does. The issue here then becomes whether or not God takes the initiative to help out.

You've maybe heard that God works many miracles among his children everyday for which we all should be amazingly humbled and grateful. Sounds totally legit, right? One quick look around and it's totally obvious that God's being a Big Help around here, isn't it? Maybe not. It seems he basically just uses us as miracle helper pawns. So is it God or is it us? For some there might not be a difference, I suppose.

Just consider that God doesn't want to just give his goods and services away, we at least have to ask first. The initiative, it would seem, is ours.

I'm pretty sure there are people the world over praying for a hand. Nonstop prayers all asking for a little recognition from an All-powerful Being, but once again whoever considers the extent of human suffering in the world - even in a single historical moment - or takes the time to recall the endless production of carcinogenic material all over the world will probably wonder where the hell God is. 

Oh wait! God already took care of our suffering souls when he killed Jesus... or let Jesus die... or let Jesus let himself die... or kill himself... or whatever that was. Can we clean things up Heavenly Father's way and just kill our firstborn children and then resurrect them again? It seems logical enough, right?

Heavenly Father's also got the whole environmental mess taken care of too. How could I be so silly? God's totally a helper.

*These attributes represent the popularized and popularizing thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

What's in a name?

"C'mon, guys, stop screwing around with these non-Jesus temples."

"Therefore, whatsoever ye shall do, ye shall do it in my name; therefore ye shall call the church in my name; and ye shall call upon the Father in my name that he will bless the church for my sake. And how be it my church save it be called in my name? For if a church be called in Moses’ name then it be Moses’ church; or if it be called in the name of a man then it be the church of a man; but if it be called in my name then it is my church, if it so be that they are built upon my gospel." (3 Nephi 27:7-8)

It's so obvious to members of the LDS Church that the true church of Jesus would bear his sacred name, which is why the Church likes to be known as the LDS Church. LDS stands for Latter-day Saints. Wait, what? No Jesus in there? Oh, well that's because the official name of the Church is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We've totally got some sweet Jesus action going on there now, right? Don't ask me why the LDS Church doesn't prefer to be called the CJCLDS, or the C of J, or LDC of C, or any acronym that would keep a J or a C or both in the mix.

"...but if later on we change it, Jesus won't care."

In 1830 the Church began as the Church of Christ. What an excellent name for Jesus' church and how very fitting with Jesus' instructions in 3 Nephi. But four years later, in direct opposition to the words of Jesus, the name was changed to the Church of the Latter Day Saints. They gave up Jesus... but only briefly! In 1838, the Mormons reclaimed JC as the central figure of the Church, which adopted the name Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. So that was only four years of not being Jesus' church which isn't so long in the grand scheme of things.

Oh ya! Sometimes the LDS Church likes to put "Mormons" in parenthesis after LDS. It's very important to the Church's PR department that the whole "Mormon" thing not get out of hand either. Don't ask me why.

Full of what?

The Book of Mormon supposedly contains the "fulness of the Gospel," but what exactly does that mean? For apologists it tends to mean "the good tidings of Jesus' suffering for our sins and his conquering of death" (as though the Creator of the Universe hadn't already proven his power to give life!),  but I would argue that the term as it is actually used in the LDS Church means something more like "everything we need to know and do to reach the Celestial Kingdom where we will be with Heavenly Father and our eternal families." The second definition is encouraged every time the general Church authorities speak of "living the Gospel" and include a number of other doctrines, rites, and behaviors that have nothing to do with faith, repentance, baptism, and receiving the Holy Ghost. Besides, faith, repentance, baptism, and receiving the Holy Ghost are just the first four principles and ordinances, not the complete list.

Mormons know that living the Gospel fully means regular Church attendance, fulfilling service callings in the Church, paying tithing, and doing everything required in the temple, which just happens to include marriage sealings. The Family proclamation states that "Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan" which sounds a lot like the way we talk about faith, repentance, baptism, and receiving the Holy Ghost - the are essential. Not only that, having children and continued posterity, as it turns out, is definitely considered a key component to living the fullness of the Gospel. The Mormon Gospel is not merely that Christ made restitution and resurrection possible for all of us mortal sinners, it's the promise of eternal families who will progress together to godhood. This is the "good news" of Christ that the Church is selling.

Of course, you have to get this from the missionaries and other members exclusively because relying solely on The Book of Mormon will leave the Gospel of Mormonism feeling dated and void.

It's all Greek to us

Joseph Smith had a very difficult time distinguishing Hebrew names from Greek and Latin ones. One of his biggest blunders shows up in Doctrine and Covenants 110, which reccounts the supposed visitations to Joseph and Oliver Cowdery in the Kirtland temple. In verse 12 Joseph says "Elias appeared, and committed the dispensation of the gospel of Abraham, saying that in us and our seed all generations after us should be blessed," which sounds totally cool and only slightly confusing (why's Elias officiating for the gospel of Abraham, and what the hell is Abraham's gospel anyway?). The problem occurs in the next verse when "Elijah the prophet, who was taken to heaven without tasting death, stood before us." The problem is that Elias is the Romanized Greek version of the Hebrew name Anglicized as Elijah. In other words Elias and Elijah are the same person, the former spelling of his name appears in the New Testament and the later form is found in the Old Testament.

LDS Church leaders have since decided that (1) there must have been some other prophet out there during Abraham's time named Elias (a Greek dude was hanging around with Abraham?) and that (2) Elias is probably a title for a forerunner prophet. I'm not making this shit up.

The more likely possibility seems to be that Joseph just didn't know the difference between Hebrew and Greek versions of the name in question.

Corroborating evidence to this latter theory is found in The Book of Mormon when Nephi uses the terms "Messiah," a Hebrew term, and "Christ," a Greek term - both literally meaning the anointed - in the same verse. Twice. Isn't that amazing? Nephi, a Hebrew is using messiah correctly (as a title) but using the Greek word Χριστός as Jesus' proper name. Nephi and Joseph need some serious help with their Greek.

Not that their Hebrew was any better. In 3 Nephi Jesus gives the Nephites chapter four of Malachi and the Nephites write down that "the Son of Righteousness" shall arise whereas Malachi wrote about "the Sun of righteousness." Now unless Jesus was speaking to the Nephites in English, it would have been very difficult for them to hear shamesh (Hebrew for sun) and then write down ben (Hebrew for son). What are the chances that Joseph's scribe screwed things up and the mistake going uncorrected all these years? What are the chances that Joseph thought he was being clever and screwed up?

The Book of Mormon also inserts the use of synagogues "after the manner of the Jews" in Nephite America even though synagogue worship did not exist at the time Lehi left Jerusalem. So where did the Jewish synagogue practice come from? Might Joseph have imposed New Testament era Jewish worship on people who would have been entirely ignorant of those practices?

"Just because we'll be living in the New World without any kind of telecommunicative technology doesn't mean we won't know exactly what our fellow Jews are up to in several hundred years."

Well how about Jews going to church? Laban and Zoram, two Jews living ca. 600 B.C.E., apparently were church goers, if that makes sense at all. It seems as though Joseph really liked Hellenizing his Hebrews.

Jesus on marriage

Mormons believe that beginning with the union of Adam and Eve marriage done God's way is for eternity. Eternal marriage has become Mormonism's favorite doctrine: FAMILIES CAN BE TOGETHER FOREVER!

Imagine the frustration of all the Mormons who try to learn of ancient marriage practices from the Old Testament, where "eternal" never enters the equation,

or the Book of Mormon,

or the New Testament, where three of the four gospel writers manage to relate the same marriage lesson without significantly contradicting each other. It's the story of the Sadducees asking Jesus about couples being together in the next life. Their question is facetious, but Jesus' response is shocking (if you're a Mormon who believes in eternal marriage).

"The same day came to him the Sadducees, which say that there is no resurrection, and asked him, Saying, Master, Moses said, If a man die, having no children, his brother shall marry his wife, and raise up seed unto his brother. Now there were with us seven brethren: and the first, when he had married a wife, deceased, and, having no issue, left his wife unto his brother: Likewise the second also, and the third, unto the seventh. And last of all the woman died also. Therefore in the resurrection whose wife shall she be of the seven? for they all had her. Jesus answered and said unto them, Ye do err, not knowing the scriptures, nor the power of God. For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven." (Matt. 22:23-30)

"Then come unto him the Sadducees, which say there is no resurrection; and they asked him, saying, Master, Moses wrote unto us, If a man’s brother die, and leave his wife behind him, and leave no children, that his brother should take his wife, and raise up seed unto his brother. Now there were seven brethren: and the first took a wife, and dying left no seed. And the second took her, and died, neither left he any seed: and the third likewise. And the seven had her, and left no seed: last of all the woman died also. In the resurrection therefore, when they shall rise, whose wife shall she be of them? for the seven had her to wife. And Jesus answering said unto them, Do ye not therefore err, because ye know not the scriptures, neither the power of God? For when they shall rise from the dead, they neither marry, nor are given in marriage; but are as the angels which are in heaven." (Mark 12:18-25)

"Then came to him certain of the Sadducees, which deny that there is any resurrection; and they asked him, Saying, Master, Moses wrote unto us, If any man’s brother die, having a wife, and he die without children, that his brother should take his wife, and raise up seed unto his brother. There were therefore seven brethren: and the first took a wife, and died without children. And the second took her to wife, and he died childless. And the third took her; and in like manner the seven also: and they left no children, and died. Last of all the woman died also. Therefore in the resurrection whose wife of them is she? for seven had her to wife. And Jesus answering said unto them, The children of this world marry, and are given in marriage: But they which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world, and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage" (Luke 20:27-35)

Jesus makes it clear: the question is ridiculous because RESURRECTED PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE SPOUSES, they're like the angels. Once again, of the seven women the man married in life, Jesus says the man will have none of them in the resurrection. Zero. No eternal marriage, according to JC.

Other translations of the New Testament might help point out that "in the resurrection, they do not take wives, neither do men have wives," but probably the most important translation is the Joseph Smith Translation. Let's take a look.

"For in the resurrection, they neither marry, nor are given in marriage; but are as the angel of God in heaven." (JST Matt. 22:29)

"For when they shall rise from the dead, they neither marry, nor are given in marriage; but are as the angels of God who are in heaven." (JST Mark 12:29)

"But they who shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world, through resurrection from the dead, neither marry nor are given in marriage." (JST Luke 20:35)

Shit. Looks like Joseph wasn't inspired to have Jesus say something about how the man would only keep his first legitimate wife (take a look at 21-8 in the New Testament Institute Manual), or any of the others. For whatever reason, God wouldn't let his prophet foresee eternal matrimony in the early 1830s.

How disappointed will faithful Mormons be when they're resurrected as angels instead of their earthly families?