Temple prep - Endowed from on High "Introduction"

I'm reading the Church Education System's manual for temple preparation and adding my two cents. Text found here.

Purpose

This course of instruction is designed to help members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints prepare to receive temple recommends and attend the temple. Members who have previously attended the temple may also take the class to learn more about the temple. That is quite a promise. I learned so little about the temple in regular classes and meetings that I can't imagine this course can possibly offer any surprises for someone who's already been through.

Participants

Participants in this course should desire to go to the temple and be worthy of a temple recommend. If they have not yet received a recommend, they should be preparing to receive one.

If participants have not yet taken a Sunday School class that discusses the Gospel Principles manual, it is recommended, but not required, that they do so before taking this course. Before taking this course, they should have a reasonable understanding of basic gospel doctrines and principles and a willingness to obey the commandments of God, such as the law of chastity, keeping the Sabbath day holy, the Word of Wisdom, and the law of tithing. I grew up "in the Covenant" so I had all this information many times over before going through. Worthiness and striving for personal righteousness are necessary for participation in temple ordinances.

Each participant should receive a personal invitation to attend the class from the bishop or branch president or another Melchizedek Priesthood leader in the ward or branch. Put some direct pressure on the kids. It gets results.

Time and Place

The classes for this course may vary in size, but they should usually be taught in small groups on the ward or branch level. Classes may be taught at the meetinghouse or in a home. The place, time, and frequency of the instruction should be convenient for the participants and the instructor.

The material is divided into seven lessons. However, instructors should spend as much time as the class members need on each lesson. This may require more than one time period for each lesson. This is very wise instruction. Take a lot of time with your temple preparation. Research it thoroughly and ask lots of questions.

Class Materials

Each class member should have access to the scriptures in class. Why? The scriptures don't discuss the modern Mormon temple in much detail at all. Each person should also have access to a copy of the booklet Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple, which is the student supplement for this course. It is frequently referred to throughout the lessons, and class members should be asked to read it during the weeks the course is presented. Drop the booklet, it's awful. Consider instead providing everyone with the script used for the endowment.

Instructors

Individuals or married couples may be called to teach this course. Instructors should have strong testimonies of the gospel and be sensitive to the promptings of the Spirit. Unfortunately, without the power of discernment (which no one seems to have), you won't really know who's testimony you can trust and there's no way to measure the spirit. Look instead for someone with a reassuring voice and enough charisma to command attention. They should be endowed members who have current temple recommends and who understand the importance and sacredness of what transpires in the temple. You'll know you've got the right guy if when asked how important and sacred the temple is he responds with "Very! Yeah, even crucial!"

When possible, the instructors should accompany the participants to the temple when the participants receive their temple ordinances. So he or she can see feel deeply shamed for the embarrassment he's put the poor students through.

Suggestions for the Instructor

Before Church members enter the temple, they should be spiritually ready. Ready to check in their brains and accept whatever happens as divinely inspired. As part of this preparation, they should have sufficient understanding of the doctrines relating to the plan of salvation and temple work. That shouldn't be hard because it's so simple. It's so simple in fact that you can't think about it for too long before it falls apart. You have the privilege of helping others in this preparation, leading to one of the most sacred experiences of their lives. Or most spiritually devastating. You can never know for sure. Many of my friends, including current believers, have shared with me that they thought they had joined a cult their first time through. Be sensitive to the promptings of the Spirit so that you can present the lesson material in a way that is best for the participants. Because the way the manual presents it isn't inspired by the Spirit? Remember the Lord’s counsel: “The Spirit shall be given unto you by the prayer of faith; and if ye receive not the Spirit ye shall not teach” (D&C 42:14). No one obeys this scripture. The number of uninspired lessons I've sat through in church are proof of that, as is the fact that no one has ever stepped down from the front of the classroom because he or she didn't feel inspired that day.

Read this manual from beginning to end before the first lesson so you will understand how the material fits together. Prepare each lesson well in advance so that you will understand the ideas and be able to present them well. This is good advise when teaching any subject. Know your curriculum! As you teach the lessons, be sure that participants fully understand the ideas before moving on. How are we to establish a sure knowledge of their understanding? Do not hurry through the lessons. Be patient and allow participants to think through the messages and respond to them. Yes, because they won't be see many opportunities to ask difficult questions during the ceremonies.

Before each lesson and at any time during the lessons, provide opportunities for class members to ask questions and discuss ideas. Just hope and pray no one's thought about anything too hard or *gasp* gone to the internet for information. Help them to apply the principles they learn in their lives. By following them all home and babysitting them for a few hours. We don't want these kids stepping out of line and doing something evil like masturbating on us now, do we? Answer questions by using the scriptures, the teachings of the latter-day prophets, and the guidance of the Spirit of the Lord. The Spirit says disclose all. Hide nothing. Be explicit. No secrets.

Throughout this course, remember the sacred nature of temple ordinances. No laughing loudly should be permitted during these lessons. You promised! As explained in the following statement, some aspects of temple work are not to be discussed outside the temple:

“We do not discuss the temple ordinances outside the temples. No one discusses the temple in the temple either. Fortunately plenty of people feel free to talk about it online. It was never intended that knowledge of these temple ceremonies would be limited to a select few who would be obliged to ensure that others never learn of them. It is quite the opposite, in fact. With great effort we urge every soul to qualify and prepare for the temple experience. … Riiiiiight, Mormons are just the gatekeepers who sit and unrighteously judge others to be unworthy.

“The ordinances and ceremonies of the temple are simple. They're Masonic and designed to test one's memory. They are beautiful. Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. Some see the ugliness of sexism in them. They are sacred. Not to the vast majority of people living on earth... They are kept confidential lest they be given to those who are unprepared” No, they're kept confidential because that's the tradition of the Masonic fraternity they come from. (Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple, 2).

Work to strengthen your own testimony of the temple, and testify to your class often about the truth of the principles you teach. This sounds familiar. Also provide opportunities for the class members to bear their testimonies as appropriate. How can these kids bear their testimony of the temple when they don't and won't understand it? Teach them everything about the temple. At least as much as you know. Don't pull this "sacred, not secret" bullshit on them.

Always remember the vital importance of temple work. Isn't the right word "crucial"? Packer preferred "crucial". Elder Boyd K. Packer said: “Ordinances and covenants become our credentials for admission into His presence. Right! Baptism by water and by fire, and participation in the Lord's supper. To worthily receive them is the quest of a lifetime; to keep them thereafter is the challenge of mortality” Yes, it's a challenge in that you'll never really know for sure if you on track or just part of a scam. (in Conference Report, Apr. 1987, 27; or Ensign, May 1987, 24).

Temple prep - "First and Every Time"

The following text is taken from the pamphlet "Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple" (2002) and annotated by me.

If you are going to the temple for the first time it is quite normal for you to be a little unsettled. Because you don't have any actual idea of what will be required of you. We are naturally anxious about the unknown. And especially anxious about secret rituals and secretive behaviors. We often become nervous over new experiences. Which in the case of the temple is totally unnecessary.

Be at peace. You are going to the temple. How is this supposed to calm someone's anxiety about not knowing anything about the temple? You will have someone to assist you at every turn. You will be carefully guided—be at peace. Guided blind. It's not so comforting. My dad was my guide and he (like the vast majority of guides) only told me and showed me what I had to do moments before it happened. However, when I was told to get naked for my washing and anointing, he wasn't there. I was only told where to undress and that I needed to dawn the "shield" before taking my clothes off after the ordinance works and myself had to work through a rather awkward misunderstanding that led to some almost panicked directions. It was not peaceful at all. And neither was the endowment. I was rushing as fast as I could to keep up with all the sash tying and frantically looking around all the time to make sure I was doing everything the same way the other attendees were. Looking around and seeing all the smiling patient glances (mixed with several bored ones) as I finally finished so we could all go on did not make me feel at peace either.

When we enter the temple we should be reverent. So it's not like a stake center cultural hall? Strange. :S Any conversations that are necessary ought to be conducted in very subdued tones. Otherwise shut. the. fuck. up. During the periods of instruction, of course, we are completely reverent and quiet. Of course.

There are few places now that offer an opportunity to meditate in quiet reverence. Right. Just temples. And libraries, and chapels, and bedrooms, and basements, and patios, and parks, and essentially anywhere out in nature, but that's hardly anywhere. And no, you do not sound like a grumpy old man complaining about noise. :S Before entering some temples to begin the ordinance work, the companies frequently will assemble in the chapel of the building. Here the members wait until the full company is assembled. Generally in life we would become impatient with waiting. To be first in a room and then be compelled to wait for the last to enter before proceeding would in other circumstances cause irritation. You sound like you have some serious impulse control and anger management issues. In the temple it is just the opposite. That waiting is regarded as a choice opportunity. What a privilege it is to sit quietly without conversation and direct the mind to reverent and spiritual thoughts! It is a refreshment to the soul. A word to the uninitiated: this is as good as the temple gets. Seriously. Once the "instruction" begins, all your expectations of actually learning something will be shattered. At least during the wait you feel a happy anticipation for the "good stuff" about to come.

When you come to the temple, remember that you are a guest in the house of the Lord. I'm still curious how you know the Lord lives there? Did you see a light on in the upper room late one night? I once found some gloriously divine white pubes in the urinal. Very Celestial. It is a time of joy, but a time of quiet joy. So shut. up. please! Sometimes at a temple marriage it is necessary to remind the relatives and friends that their expressions of love and congratulations, and their greetings to family members whom they have not seen for a long period of time, should be given in a very quiet and subdued tone. Hey, families! Shut up! The Lord can't be bothered with your enthusiasm! Loud talking and loud laughter are not fitting in the house of the Lord. Actually "loud laughter" is never permitted. I you make a solemn covenant to abstain from it.

Accept the direction of the workers in the temple. Someone will guide you as you proceed. You already said this at the beginning of the section.

Temple Prep - "Come to the Temple"

The following text is taken from the pamphlet "Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple" (2002) and annotated by me.

 

There are many reasons why one should want to come to the temple. Even its external appearance seems to hint of its deeply spiritual purposes. Sounds like curiosity and you said curiosity was not a good reason to go to the temple. I should also add that the external appearance of the temple is all you get before going through. No one hears about the secret rituals unless they have someone close to them break the temple rules or they do a little online searching. Much more is this evident within its walls. Over the door to the temple appears the tribute “Holiness to the Lord.” When you enter any dedicated temple, you are in the house of the Lord. That "Holiness to the Lord" tribute is still external, sir, not "within its walls". Anyway, I really hope you explain some of the internal stuff to help us all understand just why you think the Lord would live in an LDS temple. I suspect you saw him there one morning in his pajamas frying a couple of eggs, or at least found his toothbrush in the bathroom.

In the Church we build buildings of many kinds. Like luxury malls, sky rise apartments and anything else that will fit in a city designed for 500 thousand people. We're busy little bees, ain't we? In them we worship, we teach, we find recreation, we organize. You forgot "buy", "sell", "invest" and "strategize". We can organize stakes and wards and missions and quorums and Relief Societies in these buildings or even in rented halls. But, when we organize families according to the order that the Lord has revealed, we organize them in the temples. What? It sounds like you need a little lesson on how families are made. There are several options. The most popular method is sexual reproduction. Another very popular approach is adoption. Both sexual reproduction and adoption can happen different ways, but I'm guessing you're already not paying attention...  Temple marriage, that sealing ordinance, is a crowning blessing that you may claim in the holy temple. The way you've framed it, it sounds more like the capstone requiring a skillful crane maneuver. 

In the temples members of the Church who make themselves eligible can participate in the most exalted of the redeeming ordinances that have been revealed to mankind. There, in a sacred ceremony, an individual may be washed and anointed and instructed and endowed and sealed. Weren't we washed at baptism? Why do we need to be washed again? And what do we need anointing for? How does the content of the instruction you speak of differ from our regular meetings? What does "endowed" mean exactly? I think sealings are the only thing non-endowed members really understand before they go through the temple. It means an eternal marriage, right? A marriage that can never ever be dissolved by God or man. And when we have received these blessings for ourselves, we may officiate for those who have died without having had the same opportunity. Why would God not give so many billions of his children this opportunity in life? Why would he make nearly everyone who's ever lived writhe in sorrow and anguish over the unavoidable loss of their loved ones at death for the duration of their earth life? Don't you think they'll be at least a little annoyed to find out that someone else was sealed on their behalf? That all their emotional suffering was for nothing? The jokes on them! In the temples the sacred ordinances are performed for the living and for the dead alike. Those who died without the law are exempt from the law. That's what the scriptures say. Do you believe your own scriptures? Here is the baptismal font, where vicarious baptisms for the dead are performed, with worthy members acting as proxy for those who have gone beyond the veil. Baptism, like most rites in most cultures, is horribly arbitrary. It's almost like God didn't think this through.

“Come to the temple.” If not now, come soon. Pray fervently, set your lives in order, save whatever you can in hopes that that day may come. "Save" as in "save your money so you can spend it on temple attendance? This finally sounds a bit like temple attendance in Jesus' day. Will we buy sacrificial doves and oxen there or just T-shirts and keychains? Start now that sometimes very difficult and discouraging journey of repentance. Because you know your reader is that besmirched with sin? Keep in mind that your audience has been baptized, and repentance, dear brother, is a prerequisite for baptism. What I mean is, we know about repentance. The temple transforms the individual and makes abundantly worthwhile any efforts made to get there. You're right about being transformed. I doubled my efforts to understand what I had gotten involved in and those efforts to understand ultimately changed my life in a big way. For some who live at great distances from a temple, the temples will come to you before you might come to them. Keep your faith and your hope and determine that you will come—that you will be worthy and that you will come to the temple. If you're online you have no excuse for not going to the temple right now.

Temple Prep - "These Things Are Sacred"

The following text is taken from the pamphlet "Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple" (2002) and annotated by me.

A careful reading of the scriptures reveals that the Lord did not tell all things to all people. No kidding! A handful of patriarchs, a few Israelite prophets here and there, early Christians and now Mormons. The rest of the world got totally screwed and didn't even hear from him. What kind of father would be so inconsistent with his children? "Hey, I have some rules you all better learn to follow, but I'm not telling most of you what they are. Good luck!" From what you've said in one sentence I can already tell I don't like the Lord. There were some qualifications set that were prerequisite to receiving sacred information. Like what? Do explain. Temple ceremonies fall within this category. Says who? Please cite some authority figure (preferably God).

We do not discuss the temple ordinances outside the temples. No one discusses about the temple in the temple either. Fortunately plenty of people feel free to talk about it online. It was never intended that knowledge of these temple ceremonies would be limited to a select few who would be obliged to ensure that others never learn of them. It is quite the opposite, in fact. With great effort we urge every soul to qualify and prepare for the temple experience. Riiiiiight, Mormons are just the gatekeepers who sit and unrighteously judge others to be unworthy. Those who have been to the temple have been taught an ideal: Someday every living soul and every soul who has ever lived shall have the opportunity to hear the gospel and to accept or reject what the temple offers. Too bad the LDS temple wasn't part of Christ's practice - the Jewish temple was. If this opportunity is rejected, the rejection must be on the part of the individual. Why would God set up a system where the VAST MAJORITY of human beings would only hear about Jesus and the LDS temple after they die? It makes no sense.

The ordinances and ceremonies of the temple are simple. They're Masonic and designed to test one's memory. They are beautiful. Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. They are sacred. Not to the vast majority of people living on earth... They are kept confidential lest they be given to those who are unprepared. No, they're kept confidential because that's the tradition of the Masonic fraternity they come from. Curiosity is not a preparation. Isn't it at least a start? A seed to experiment upon? Deep interest itself is not a preparation. What if that deep interest has led to lots and lots of study? Preparation for the ordinances includes preliminary steps: faith, repentance, baptism, confirmation, worthiness, a maturity and dignity worthy of one who comes invited as a guest into the house of the Lord. Actually faith and baptism are what Jesus asked for, well, and that we give all our money to the poor and love our neighbors like we love ourselves.

We must be prepared before we go to the temple. You said that already. We must be worthy before we go to the temple. You said that too. There are restrictions and conditions set. You said that as well. They were established by the Lord and not by man. Show us where he made these restrictions. Maybe in the Handbook of Instruction Vol. 1? And, the Lord has every right and authority to direct that matters relating to the temple be kept sacred and confidential. I suppose he does, but is this a matter of legal rights? Couldn't we also argue that every man, woman and child has a right to know what God has up his sleeve?

All who are worthy and qualify in every way may enter the temple, there to be introduced to the sacred rites and ordinances. If we can be introduced to baptism before being baptized (including the exact wording of the prayer, the white jumpsuits and practice plugging our nose), why can we not be introduced to other ordinances before we do them?

TEMPLE SECRETS REVEALED!

I wasn't sure I'd live to see this day though I often dreamed it would come. The Mormon Newsroom has finally revealed to the world the faith's secret temple garb, from underwear to baker's hats. (Here's the YouTube link.)

Frankly I'm amazed. Way to go Newsroom! I don't doubt for a second that you released this information out of a pure desire to be open and forthright with the world and not because you're hoping to catch up with the many other people who have already been controlling the online discussion about (not to mention entered the production of) these things for years.

My only complaint is how you frame the explanation of garments and temple clothes. You point to religious clothing worn by other faiths as though everyone thinks those clothes are totally awesome and not at all weird. If you're goal is to say "Hey, look! We've also entered the masquerade of bad fashion ideas people shouldn't make fun of!" then all you've really accomplished is making Mormons look like Johnny-come-latelies. If you think you're somehow going to convince the rest of the world that Mormon temple garb is better than every other religion's, I doubt this video will do the trick.

Oh, wait! And there was also that line in the video about "echoes to antiquity" found in temple clothes. Why didn't you mention the much more recent echoes as well? I'm sure the general public would also love to hear about the Mormon connection to other once secret robes.

Fashion trends

God doesn't give a shit about what we mortals might think is cool. God tells us what is right and we adjust our thoughts and behavior to match his righteousness. End of story.

Mormon pilgrimages

Jerusalem? Rome? Santiago? What are we, Catholics? Do we have to travel hundreds or even thousands of miles to worship an object? Not a chance. No idols for us. Leave reverencing objects to everyone else. Let the Muslims make their once in a lifetime trek to Mecca. We carry religion in our hearts. Our eternal souls worship in a walking tabernacle of flesh.

Sure, we have to be sure to make it to the temple at least once in our lives (heaven forbid we die before taking out our endowment and sealed for time and all eternity), but fortunately for everyone, the Church these days is working hard to make church and temple attendance as easy and non-pilgrimage-like as possible. With meeting houses and temples cropping up all over the globe, chances are you're no more than a couple of hours away from an LDS place of worship.

Of course that doesn't stop us from making distant religious journeys in order to prove our spirituality, pay our respects to our forebearers and prove to our neighbors that the Church is the most important thing in our life. Who among us doesn't feel a slight tinge of guilt for not having humbly offered a prayer of gratitude for Joseph Smith in the Sacred Grove? Who among us hasn't felt some degree of urgency that our sons and daughters experience the spiritual banquet to be had on Heritage Tours? How else will they gain a testimony in their youth? The Kirkland temple, the Nauvoo temple, the temple site in Missouri, we just have to see them.

And why stop at the locations that have actual Mormon history? Why not make up some new sites for Book of Mormon tours? Heartland model believers, we've got you covered too! It doesn't matter if it's all bullshit. You really have to see it for yourself!

 

Most amazing of all is Salt Lake City! Come listen to a prophet's voice at General Conference! Come on! You believe he's a prophet, right? You love him, right? You have a testimony that he's God's mouthpiece, right? So show us your conviction! Come, come, ye saints! Come!

Heavenly fatherliness #14 - Affection for Mom

According to popular wisdom, a good father illustrates the importance of affection by professing his love for his children's mother in front of them.

Most of Christianity get's its panties in a bunch anytime Mormons suggest that Heavenly Father has a Heavenly Wife (or two). While Mormons believe very strongly in Her/Them, there's just not much of a scriptural basis to believe in a Mother in Heaven. Not that a scriptural foundation matters! The prophet could simply inquire of God to know a bit more about Heavenly Mother. We have modern-day revelation!

Instead we get decades of hearing that Heavenly Mother is too sacred to talk about (but at least the Church mentioned her in this Gospel Topics essay).

I guess we'll just have to be happy knowing that Heavenly Father loves Heavenly Mother so much that he won't give her any visibility at the moment. Is God affectionate towards Goddess? Um... sure. Of course. I mean, why should we doubt it? He's perfect, isn't he?

*These attributes represent the popularized and popularizing thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father. 

Sarah Ann Whitney (Smith) Kingsbury Kimball - wife #16

Sarah Whitney (March 22, 1825 - September 4, 1873) was only seventeen when her father, Newel K. Whitney, officiated her marriage to Joseph Smith. Newel, who was a close friend of Joseph, was even given a revelation (through Joseph, naturally) that this marriage was a wonderful idea - it would bring earthly blessings and seal the Whitney family's place in the Celestial Kingdom!

Let me emphasize this point: Newel and his wife Elizabeth secretly married their eldest (but still teenaged) daughter to a man 20 years her senior in exchange for a golden ticket to heaven.

People, if this sounds like a huge, manipulative con to you, let me say right now that there's nothing wrong with you. This arrangement looks shady and disgusting, and don't you doubt it!

It gets even shadier still. In mid-August Joseph, hiding from the law, tells Sarah and her parents that it is "the will of God that you should comfort me now" only to follow up with a warning to watch out for Emma, who, according Joseph, was dangerous. Joseph, on the other hand, was just a sick bastard (but at least he followed the divine mandate to marry a virgin).

The shadiness of this arrangement continues. Joseph then arranged a faux-marriage between Sarah and Joseph Kingsbury. I can only assume this was so it would be easier for Joseph to drop by on Sarah without creating suspicion. Very classy stuff. Very holy.

Joseph was killed less than two years later, at which point Sarah's marriage to Kingbury was disolved and Sarah went on to marry Heber Kimball, with whom she had seven children: David, David Orson, David Heber, Newel, Horace, Sarah, and Joshua. Her life ended in Utah before the age of 50.

The temple - loud laughter

Maybe the biggest WTF moment my first time through the temple came when I was required to promise to AVOID LOUD LAUGHTER. It's true, no loud laughter for Mormons. Why? Who the fuck even knows. My dad tried to tell me it had to do with ridiculing others, to which I say "OK, then why don't they just tell us to not mock and ridicule others?"

I tried really hard to understand why loud laughter would make God so unhappy. We all know Mary Poppins despises laughter, but we also know how much we all hate that feisty bitch. Obviously I was missing something because I couldn't recall any Mormons I knew avoiding loud laughter, not even in my family, and Lord knows I never felt evil for laughing. 

Whoever paints these laughing Jesi is clearly a covenant breaker.

   
But I doubted this doubt too. I did.

The temple - secret signs and tokens

In the Mormon temple endowment ceremony you learn a lot of great stuff like all the different handshakes that will get you into the Celestial Kingdom.

It's not a joke. The really do teach you how to handshake your way into Heaven. I couldn't believe it myself. Seriously? This is how I'll unlock the Pearly Gates? I literally have to physically do this move on an angel standing guard? Oh, they're seriously so important I can't tell anyone about them? Wow... And no one else has let this out of the bag yet? Satan doesn't know about this? I can imagine Satan could really mess up the whole who-gets-into-Heaven thing if he knew about this.

The "signs and tokens" I was taught in the temple struck me as completely arbitrary and superfluous to heartfelt Christian belief and yet I was told that these were gestures passed down from God to man from Adam until the present day. The temple was supposed to be the oldest, most sacred ritual in the history of man. 

I knew enough about the Israelite's tabernacle in the wilderness, Solomon's temple, and the temple in Christs time to know that the whole story sounded a bit funky. I also kept somewhere in the back of my mind the allegation that Freemasonry had something to do with the temple, but I never dared look into it. I nurtured my faith instead of my suspicions and doubts.

As it turns out I should have followed up on the whole Freemason thing. The temple endowment, as it turns out, is a complete rip off of Freemasonry. And we're not just talking about a simple handshake here,

 

all of the handshakes were lifted from the Freemasons,

 

as are most of the words, explanations, now purged penalties, clothing, etc. All I did when I went through the temple was become a pseudo-Freemason. Look it up. This shit's not just weird, completely unrelated to ancient worship, and devoid of any real Christian significance, it's really not that exciting. 

I say if you want to become a Freemason, go to the Freemasons, not the Mormons.

The temple - the movie

I had yet another serious doubt about my place in Mormonism when the temple film started up. I heard there was a film, but seriously? SERIOUSLY? When the reality of it hit - that I was sitting in a movie theater dressed like an asshole - I felt deeply embarrassed, like I had been tricked into being there. It was definitely more anti-climactic than my baptism for the fact that there had been so much hype around the mind-blowingness of the temple.

Behind the curtains... a movie screen!

The temple movie is horrible. It's an unintentially campy spin off of the Creation story. I can't believe anyone can sit through this crap regularly for years on end. You have a silly, big, booming God voice narrating the creation, landscape shots that seem to move between the awe inspiring aesthetics of a nature program and the kitsch of Thomas Kinkade sunsets, Adam and Eve wandering about a stage garden with foliage covering their waists and crotches, crows cawing whenever Satan enters or exits a scene, cheesy lines, and bad acting. It's absolutely awful stuff and yet it's supposedly the tool God uses to teach us His greatest secrets.

 Michael Ballam steals the show as Satan

I wasn't convinced, but I shut my critical eye and convinced myself that the Church didn't have to win the Palm d'or at Cannes to be true. I needed to pay attention to the information, not the film making. This was holy stuff I was watching. I mean really sacred stuff. So I doubted my doubts and watched on.

By way of post script let me clarify that there were two movies by the time I went through and they were both horrible, then they dropped one a few years back only to introduce a new film version this year which I haven't seen (I've read that it's now more Lord of the Rings-esque!). There's also the non-film version of the ceremony that requires temple workers to reenact the drama. Essentially all of my Mormon friends, active and inactive, say the live session is way better than the movie, and I'm sure they're right. But it's still totally inane bullshit.