Aliens - other worlds

Did you know that you have long lost spiritual brothers and sisters living out on other planets? Well Joseph Smith did!
 
I remember being taught as a little kid that Earth is just one of the many populated planets that Jehovah (Jesus) had made under the direction of Elohim (Heavenly Father). Do Mormons believe in aliens? You had better fuckin' believe it! But not the weird Star Trek kind, just normal, Homo sapiens kind.

In fact you don't have to go too far to find some of these brothers and sisters. Joseph Smith found tall Quakers on the Moon

and Brigham Young found that the Sun is inhabited.

Science has shown that they were totally right, right? No? Well it will! For now all you need to know is that Jesus died for all aliens, not just for us.

Gone rogue

It's been said (by a prophet and repeated frequently by others) that God will not let his people be lead astray. You can find this in LDS scripture and in the Church's general teachings about the nature of the relationship between God and his prophets.

The Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as President of this Church to lead you astray. It is not in the programme. It is not in the mind of God. If I were to attempt that, the Lord would remove me out of my place, and so He will any other man who attempts to lead the children of men astray from the oracles of God and from their duty.

Is this why Joseph Smith was murdered at 44? Was the mob at Carthage somehow sent by God to remove his delusional and fallen prophet? Was Brigham wrong to take up the bizarre cause of polygamy? What if we can't trust the Brighamite branch of Mormonism at all?

If we can't trust Brigham and his followers than we can't trust what Wilford said either, and I totally believe what Wilford said, ergo everything must be fine. Joseph must have been a holy son of a gun and Brigham must have been right to fight for polygamy. The Church is true! Doubt no longer!

Why God requires polygamy 2

So why? Why polygamy? The three new essays released on lds.org all make sure to bring up Jacob 2:30 right away.

The Book of Mormon identifies one reason for God to command it: to increase the number of children born in the gospel covenant in order to “raise up seed unto [the Lord].” (See here.)

God declared in the Book of Mormon that monogamy was the standard; at times, however, He commanded plural marriage so His people could “raise up seed unto [Him].” (See here.)

Church members viewed plural marriage as a commandment from God, an imperative that helped “raise up” a righteous posterity unto the Lord. (See here.)

So the answer is: BABIES FOR JESUS! I'm not sure why God needs babies so badly when there are plenty being born all the time. What makes children born "in the covenant" so much more valuable than all the others. Shit, why's he need children at all? They don't even make money to pay tithing. Are children the only people who believe in god stories anymore? No missionary work? Just baby-making sex? Can't God encourage some inter-tribal adoption? 

"Hold on a second, sugar, let's let the pregnant ones catch up."

If God needed babies so badly why didn't Adam get a few hundred wives instead of just little old Evie? Why didn't Noah's boys fill the Ark with God's most fertile? Why didn't Nephi and his brothers have a shit ton of sister wives? Why didn't Jesus' mighty twelve just hang around in harems all day instead of going out and preaching? Why didn't Joseph have any children with his 30 plus wives? Why did Brigham only have a couple more children than he had wives? Why do we see that polygamy fails to produce more children than monogamy?

Does God suck at math? Or was Jacob wrong about the divine purpose of polygamy?

At least Lot had two daughters to rape him instead of just one.

Filling pockets full of virgins

Isn't it at least a little strange that following Joseph Smith's death many of his wives were divvied up between Brigham Young and Heber Kimball? It's a fact that many of those women didn't meet the requirements for plural marriage in the first place and should not have been married to Joseph, but why would they end up automatically marrying other early Mormon bigwigs? Is there another rule about wives trickling down the chain of hierarchy upon a prophet's death?

What about Brigham and Heber's other wives? I'm sure if we were to look at the lives of each of these sister wives and the situations surrounding their polygamous marriage, as has been done with Joseph's wives, we would find plenty of instances to doubt the divinity and righteous practice of the Law of Plural Marriage. Maybe some day I'll get around to it, but then where would I then stop? How many early Church leaders practiced polygamy? How many women had to cope with the practice despite their better judgement?

Years ago we heard that polygamy helped house and provide for widows. Taking care of the surplus of women is a good thing. We heard that polygamy was needed to boost the Mormon population even though polygamy doesn't actually do that. We were told that only a very small percentage of Mormon men practiced it as if that would somehow make how it was practiced ethical. We even heard our prophet say he did not think polygamy was doctrinal even though the commandment and explanation of it is still contained our scripture.

There's a lot of history here that we could discuss - a lot - and the LDS Church is trying to discuss it as little as possible while still appearing open and willing. What I would like to see is more focus on the people who felt constrained to practice and not on the institutional justifications.

Fanny Young Murray (Smith) - wife #36

Fanny Young (November 8, 1787 - June 11, 1859) was Brigham Young's older sister. She took on much of the responsibility for raising her younger siblings after her mother died in 1815. She was also close to the Kimball family and young Helen referred to her as Aunt Fanny.

Fanny married Heber Kimball's father-in-law, Roswell Murray, in 1832, the same year she and other members of the Young family joined the Church. Roswell, however, did not join, but he still moved with the saints to Kirtland, Missouri, and then Nauvoo, where he fell ill and died in 1839.

Fanny's marriage to Joseph Smith was extremely abrupt. She found herself disagreeing with Brigham and Joseph in a conversation about the necessity of plural marriage in order to reach the highest glory of the Celestial Kingdom, and Joseph rebutted her expressed desire to simply be an administering angel with "you talk very foolishly, you do not know what you will want" and followed that up by having Brigham seal her to him then and there.

To me the story reads as an example of how Joseph liked to flash his prophetic mantle and shoot to close the sale quickly. Fanny's marriage to the prophet comes across as yet another example of how Joseph was good at pressuring people to reassert himself and get what he wanted.

Unlike many of the other plural wives, Fanny was not resealed to Joseph in the Nauvoo temple following his murder.

Olive Grey Frost (Smith) Young - wife #32

Olive Frost (July 24, 1816 - October 6, 1845) converted to Mormonism in October 1839. Her sister, Mary Ann, had joined three years early and had married the apostle Parley P. Pratt. Olive embarked with them on a mission to England in early 1840.

In 1843, at the end of her mission, Olive and the Pratts moved to Nauvoo. There Olive stayed with Patty and David Sessions and was soon introduced to the concept of plural wifery. She was secretly married to Joseph Smith that summer.

When Joseph was killed Olive lost it. She married Brigham young in October, but died the next year.

Rhoda Richards (Smith) Young - wife #30

Rhoda Richards (August 8, 1784 - January 17, 1879) makes 30 known wives for Joseph Smith by mid-June of 1843, barely a year before he would be killed. Thirty wives, people! Rhoda was nearly sixty when she married Joseph, but other wives were as young as fourteen. Joseph was having sex with a good number of these plural wives.

Age is no obstacle. Never has been.

Rhoda's brother Willard was one of Joseph's main marrying men, so perhaps it isn't too strange that she would end up married to the prophet. She was also Brigham Young's first cousin, so obviously she was well connected to the sacred inner circle of Nauvoo Mormonism.

Brother Will.

Years before becoming an old polygamous wife, Rhoda was engaged to a man named Ebenezer Damon. He was known as a good man. He had a young daughter named Susan from a previous marriage and Rhoda grew very fond of her. Unfortunately Ebenezer died young. Rhoda, who was still in her twenties at the time, was, of course, devastated. Ebenezer's death weighed heavily on her for the decades to come.

Rhoda joined the Church in the mid-1830 via Brigham Young. She moved to Nauvoo in 1842. In Nauvoo she finally met Joseph, and the following year her brother married her to Joseph in an act she seems to have understood as confirming her spot in heaven.

After Joseph was killed Rhoda married her cousin Brigham. She moved to Utah with the Brighamite saints to live out the remainder of her life.

Maria Lawrence (Smith) Young Babbitt - wife #26

Maria Lawrence (December 18, 1823 - ca. 1846) and her sister Sarah were left orphans at the respective ages of 16 and 19 after moving with their parents from Canada to Nauvoo. Joseph Smith became their legal guardian and the sisters lived with the Smiths alongside Emily and Eliza Partridge. Like the Partridge sisters, Sarah and Maria were drawn into polygamy with Joseph Smith with Emma's consent. They continued living with the Smiths until Joseph's assassination, caused in part by William Law's accusation that Maria was one of Joseph's secret wives.

Joseph, of course, publicly denied practicing polygamy.

Maria and Sarah tried unsuccessfully to get their parents property back from the Smiths.

Her next husband was Brigham Young, but that relationship was short lived and followed by a marriage to one Col. Babbitt. Maria died young at 22.

Ruth Daggett Vose Sayers (Smith) - wife #19

Ruth Sayers (February 26, 1808 - 1884) was an upholsterer from Boston. She was baptized there by Brigham Young in 1836, about four years after she had first heard of the Mormons. While living in Boston she donated significantly to the Kirtland temple construction.

Ruth married Edward Sayers in 1841 and the couple soon headed to Nauvoo. In August of the following year, Ruth got to know Joseph Smith better when he stayed with the Sayers for a week while hiding from the law. Ruth and Joseph were married six months later.

Ruth stayed living with Edward in Nauvoo and for the rest of her life. After Joseph's death the Sayers moved back to Boston for a few years before moving out to Utah.

Eliza Roxcy Snow (Smith) Young - wife #15

 
Eliza Snow (January 21, 1804 - December 5, 1887) was one messed up lady. She was known as a poet from her early years so maybe we should say she was more of a trouble artist type. Some say she lived a life of celibacy, some say she was raped by persecutors of the Church, some say she had sex with both her husbands, some say she was pregnant at one point with Joseph Smith's child. However mysterious her sex life may be, her poetry and autobiographic writings reveal someone who needed some serious help. To put it mildly, she was dramatic as fuck and completely full of herself. I'm amazed anyone wanted to be around her.

Eliza seems to have had a taste for Primitive Church movements. She first joined Alexander Campbell's Christian primitivist movement and then the Mormons. She moved to Kirtland, where she stayed with Joseph and Emma, even after being given her own lot. She moved with the saints to Missouri and then Nauvoo, where Joseph gave her an appointment in the newly organized Relief Society and told her about plural marriage. She was disgusted by the idea for all of a couple of months, and then she married Joseph.

Joseph eventually invited Eliza to live with him and Emma in Nauvoo for what Eliza hoped would be a permanent stay. She took up teaching the Smith children.

Living conditions soon got out of hand. About six months in Emma found out that Eliza was a sister wife, freaked out (Eliza says she kept her cool), and sent her down a flight of stairs (some say with a broom, other say by her hair). Eliza's fall might have prematurely ended a pregnancy, either way, it ended her stay with the Smiths.

It still hurts like like before, doesn't it Emma? 
Maybe worse because Joe didn't learn the first time?
Maybe worse now that it's a self-righteous bitch your own age?

Eliza was a staunch and dishonest defender of polygamy. The same year she married Joseph she sent around a petition in Nauvoo collecting signatures from a thousand women denying Joseph's involvement in polygamy. Later that year she produced a Relief Society document denouncing the practice. 

When Joseph died Eliza stayed close to power; she married Brigham Young (yet another reason why Emma would have no interest in moving out to Utah). Eliza never had any children of her own but she raised or help raise many by other women. She fought for women's suffrage and refused to be powerless. Today she is one of the most celebrated women in the LDS Church.

Sarah Maryetta (or Marietta) Kingsley Howe Cleveland (Smith) - wife #13

Sarah Cleveland (1788 - April 20, 1856) joined the Church sometime in the mid-1830, her husband, John Cleveland, however, did not and never did. John, father of Sarah's two children, Augusta and Alexander, was her second husband, the first passing away from illness in the early 1820s.

The Clevelands had been living in Quincy, Illinois since 1836 and in early 1839 they took in Emma and the Smith children while Joseph did jail time. Joseph joined his family at the Cleveland's for a few weeks after his release. Thus Joseph and Sarah got to know one another.

After the Smith's moved to Nauvoo Joseph sent word to the Clevelands that he had reserved a lot for them right across the street from his house. The Clevelands left Quincy for Nauvoo in 1842. That same year Emma chose Sarah as her councilor in the Relief Society and Sarah married Emma's husband behind her back. Very slick.

Sarah was very loyal to Joseph and help defuse a nasty (but true!) rumor that he had married his own sister-in-law, Agnes Coolbrith.

When the saints headed west following Joseph's assassination Sarah and her son Alexander tried to follow only to turn back (with permission from Brigham Young) after four days.

As mentioned in the FMH Podcast episode (linked above), Sarah falls neatly into the typical profile for Joseph's early polygamous marriages. What is that profile? Non-virgin women currently married to other men, not a word to Emma, new wife covers for Joseph and sometimes recruits for him, all while staying with her legal husband. Basically the makings of a secret combination that also doubles as a harem.

Elizabeth Davis Goldsmith Brackenbury Durfee (Smith) Lott - wife #12

Elizabeth Durfee (March 11, 1791 - December 16, 1876), Joseph Smith's twelfth wife, gives us yet another case of Joseph marrying a woman who "belonged" to another man. At the time of her marriage to Joseph she was still Jabez Durfee, her third husband following the death of her previous two.

The Durfee's moved to Nauvoo with their ten children (she had had children with both of her previous husbands and Jabez had a few of his own as well) in 1839. She married Joseph Smith in 1842. She was 51 and, like the Patty Sessions, who was also older than Joseph, became a polygamy recruiter. Elizabeth was not a virgin and did not bear Joseph any children. Emma didn't know about this marriage either.

Elizabeth and Jabez separated shortly after Joseph's death. She married again, this time to Cornelius Lott. In addition to finding a fifth husband, she got a sister wife through Cornelius' daughter Melissa, who was also married to Joseph.

Elizabeth never made it out to Utah. Instead she grew tired of the Brighamites and went back to Nauvoo, where she joined Emma and Joseph Smith III in the Reformed LDS Church (Community of Christ).

Marry the prophet! Marry the prophet! Don't disobey!

What, pray tell, is holy about Joseph Smith recruiting older women to help convince young women to marry him? How awful is it to have pressure from both the prophet and a few select older women of the community? Did Elizabeth know that Joseph was having sex with some of his wives or did she think this was all a spiritual thing?

Mary Elizabeth Rollins Lightner (Smith) Young - wife #9

Mary Rollins (April 9, 1818 - December 17, 1913) first met Joseph Smith in Kirtland in 1831 when she was a 12-year-old girl. He made quite an impression on her. She claimed year later that, in addition to receiving a blessing from Joseph on that first encounter, the prophet took her aside and told her that God had commanded him to take her as his first plural wife.

I can't say I believe Mary, though. Joseph testing the plural marriage waters in 1831? That seems a little premature. If we are to believe her, all I can say is HOLY SHIT! A 12-YEAR-OLD? God must have a seriously sick sense of humor.

Mary also claimed that in 1834 in Missouri Joseph was commanded to take her as a plural wife but he chickened out. She would have just turned sixteen.

The next year Mary married the non-Mormon Adam Lightner. By 1840 they were living in Nauvoo with two children: Miles Henry and Caroline (it seems). A third child, George Algernon, would soon follow.

Joseph approached Mary about plural marriage again in early 1842, this time with the whole "an angel's gonna kill me if we don't!" bit (that's right, I don't buy the angel story). This time he added more shit about how "all the Devils in hell" could never get the angel off his back and how God promised he'd be saved thanks to the practice of plural marriage and God can't lie so obviously Joseph will practice plural marriage (which he already was in fact practicing).

Mary said no amazingly enough. She even had the guts to ask if Emma knew about her, to which Joseph dodged with an "Emma thinks the world of you." She still wanted to pray about it real hard first, which she did and got the spiritual confirmation she wanted. It was a beautiful wedding. Very secretive and mysterious. Brigham performed it while Adam was out of town. She, like Joseph's other plural wives, stayed with her husband as Joseph instructed and kept a tight lip about their union. When Adam needed to move his family fifteen miles away for work, Joseph bawled his terrible tears and gnashed his terrible teeth and made sure to prophesy hard times for the Lightners. Their new home was struck by lightening and Mary became deathly ill.

Joseph was killed in June, 1844. Mary was endowed and sealed to Brigham in 1845. She never had a child with either of them. Her long life ended in Utah.

There are a lot of issues with this marriage - the proposal to a preteen, the angel threats, the devil talk, the challenge to challenge God's promise - but if we want to believe all of that we still have to go by the book, don't we? In that case, the thing is that Brigham had no right marrying Mary because she was already sealed to Joseph, who had no right marrying her either because she was not a virgin and consequently "belonged" to Adam, who fathered various children with her. Mary had no rights because she was a woman and considered property of her legal husband.

P.S. There is a possibility that Mary's third child, George Algernon, born in Nauvoo, was Joseph's.

Agnes Moulton Coolbrith Smith (Smith Smith) Pickett - wife #7

Agnes Coolbrith joined the Church in 1832 and, after staying with the Smiths in Kirtland for a time, married Joseph's younger brother Don Carlos in 1835. They had three daughters together, the youngest of which was Josephine Anna Smith, who later became known as Ina Donna Coolbrith. Don Carlos and one of the two older daughters died in Nauvoo of malaria.

 DH#1

Five months after her husband's death, Agnes married her brother-in-law Joseph. (This marriage is not mentioned on the Church's website.) The marriage warranted a cryptic note in Masonic code by Brigham Young, an enthusiastic journal entry by Joseph, and a rumor against the prophet that sent Emma into a tizzy.

Cousin George, DH#3

After Joseph was killed Agnes ended up marrying George Albert Smith, a cousin of her first two husbands, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve, and husband to another woman, but ultimately left George during his preparations to move to Utah. Instead, Agnes left the Church and went to Saint Louis, where she married printer and lawyer William Pickett, with whom she had twin boys. They soon moved to California where Ina would gain fame as poet laureate.

(Joseph)Ina

Agnes hid her Mormon, polygamist past for the remainder of her life, though a letter to her nephew Joseph F. Smith reveals a deeply felt tie to Joseph and Don Carlos' family.

Why did Joseph take Agnes on as another wife? Was it simply a Levirate thing? It definitely doesn't meet God's requirements for the New and Everlasting Covenant. For starters, Don Carlos and Agnes had probably been sealed - I find it difficult to imagine that someone as inner-circle as the prophet's brother would have been left out of the sealing game. Secondly, she was most definitely not a virgin. Third, it's doubtful that Emma gave her permission otherwise she probably wouldn't have initiated an investigation of rumors about Joseph's licentious dealings (or she could have been trying to cover them up). And finally, where are the Joseph-Agnes babies? They raised no "seed." So why should anyone believe this marriage was sanctioned by God?

Zina Diantha Huntington Jacobs (Smith) Young - wife #5

The early 1840s in Nauvoo is where and when Joseph Smith's polygamy took off. We can only guess as to why. Maybe it was because Joseph was under threat of death by an angel of God if he refused. Or maybe it had something to do with the fact that now Joseph had an entire city full of citizens eager to show their faith and devotion in his prophetic calling and willing to do just about anything to gain God's favor. Whatever the case, Joseph's marriage to Louisa really set things in motion. Zina Jacobs followed in relatively short order.

Like Louisa, Zina had recently lost her mother to the early Nauvoo malaria epidemic. In addition to coping with her mother's death, Zina had to juggle the attention of two suitors: Henry Bailey Jacobs, who wanted a wife, and the nearly all-powerful brother Joseph, who explained (to his credit) he needed another wife. Henry had started his pursuit before Joseph, but that didn't necessarily rule out Nauvoo's number one citizen. Amazingly she turned Joseph down to accept Henry's proposal.

Or maybe Zina's refusal shouldn't shock us at all. How many women are dying to become a sister wife?

A couple of months later Joseph came back at Zina with this story:

Obviously the death-threatening angel bullshit worked. Despite the deep shame she felt by consenting, Zina eventually (and conveniently) gained a testimony of plural marriage.

Zina continued living with Henry, but Joseph kept sending Henry on missions. After Joseph was killed, Zina married Brigham Young, who sent Henry to England. Zina then moved in with Brigham and his other wives leaving Henry feeling like total shit. Poor Zina. Poor Henry.

Why was Zina ever a candidate for plural marriage? She was not a virgin and she did not bear children with Joseph. And do you honestly think Emma gave her consent?

Here is the Feminist Mormon Housewives Podcast episode about her. 

Louisa Beaman (Smith) Young - wife #4

Louisa Beaman (February 7, 1815 - May 16, 1850) married Joseph Smith a couple of years before being baptized. Try taking an unbaptized fiance to the temple now and see what happens.

Louisa and Joseph had met once in 1834 when Louisa's father hosted Joseph and Parley P. Pratt, who were on a mission together. The next time she saw Joseph was in Nauvoo around 1839 or '40. She was living with her sister Mary and brother-in-law, Joseph Bates Noble, when Smith spoke to J.B. about plural marriage and asked that he (J.B.) marry him (Joe, Jr.) to Louisa. The wedding, conducted in April 1841, was secret and Louisa even dressed as a man to disguise her identity. The newlyweds spent their wedding night at the Nobles'.

Did Emma know about it? Had she given her permission? Not likely. At least Louisa hadn't been married before and was probably a virgin, right?

She later married Brigham Young despite her previously "belonging" to Joseph. She and Brigham had five children, all of whom died before Louisa's death to breast cancer at age 35.

Here is the Feminist Mormon Housewives Podcast episode about her. 

Emma Hale Smith Bidamon - wife #1

The relationship between Joseph Smith and his first wife Emma Hale was a complicated one. They went through a lot together and must have shared an extremely tight bond. Their life together started with an elopement that sent Emma's father Isaac into a rage. They faced three infant deaths in their first years together. Emma gave birth to twins who died shortly after birth. She and Joseph then adopted a neighbor's twins, Joseph and Julia, whose mother had died in childbirth (Joseph died a year later). They eventually had four more sons - Joseph, Frederick, Alexander, and Don Carlos - who all survived infancy and childhood. Emma helped transcribe The Book of Mormon, she watched Joseph build and lead the church, she sat helplessly by as Joseph fled mobs and the law, and she deeply mourned his assassination.

I'm very sympathetic toward Emma and I think there is a lot about her to celebrate. She was extremely loyal and was full of conviction. She weathered hard times thanks to her strong frontier attitude of determination, the same determination the Church loves to credit the early pioneers with. I can understand why the Church and its members paint a picture of Emma as being tirelessly rosy and totally admirable. It's easy to see Emma as an unwavering pillar of the early Church. The thing is there's a lot more beneath the surface that make her a tough nut to crack. Here are a few points that come to mind.

Speaking of the day she eloped with Joseph she says that she had no intention of marrying him, but he was more of a catch than any of the other men she knew. It sounds to me like Joseph talked her into it, just as he would talk other women into marrying him later on. I have a hard time seeing their marriage as an equal partnership, instead it looks like Emma might have been just another victim of Joseph's suave tongue.

Another reason I see Emma as a potential victim comes from the fact that she was kept in the dark about his various liaisons with other women. Nowadays we call what Joseph did marital infidelity or cheating. Emma was cheated on again and again and yet she stuck by his side just as you would expect someone who is manipulated and emotionally abused to do.

When Emma refused to accept Joseph's secret polygamy, Joseph came back with a supposed revelation from God warning her that she would be destroyed if she didn't change her mind. That's some fucked up shit right there, friends. I take my hat off to her for calling bullshit on that revelation and throwing it in the fire.

And here's a hell of an issue: Emma defied Brigham Young as the new prophet, stayed in Nauvoo, and got her son Joseph to start the Reformed Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (today called the Community of Christ). Why would such a righteous, spiritual woman make such a damning move? Why didn't the Spirit direct her under Brigham's wing and into The One True Church? Should the Church today celebrate her as it does, or should it go back to maligning her character and excluding her from Church history?

Emma married Lewis Bidamon in 1849 and stayed with him until her death. She never again acknowledged that Joseph had practiced polygamy and that she herself had been dragged temporarily into the practice.

The New Jerusalem

Are you ready to pack up and move to Jackson County, Missouri? Will you be willing to uproot everything when the prophet makes the call? It could happen any day now. These are the latter days, people!

Back when God revealed the location of New Jerusalem he made it clear that there was not time to waste.

"Yea, the word of the Lord concerning his church, established in the last days for the restoration of his people, as he has spoken by the mouth of his prophets, and for the gathering of his saints to stand upon Mount Zion, which shall be the city of New Jerusalem. Which city shall be built, beginning at the temple lot, which is appointed by the finger of the Lord, in the western boundaries of the State of Missouri, and dedicated by the hand of Joseph Smith, Jun., and others with whom the Lord was well pleased. Verily this is the word of the Lord, that the city New Jerusalem shall be built by the gathering of the saints, beginning at this place, even the place of the temple, which temple shall be reared in this generation. For verily this generation shall not all pass away until an house shall be built unto the Lord, and a cloud shall rest upon it, which cloud shall be even the glory of the Lord, which shall fill the house." (D&C 84:2-5, emphasis added)

"And in order that all things be prepared before you, observe the commandment which I have given concerning these things— Which saith, or teacheth, to purchase all the lands with money, which can be purchased for money, in the region round about the land which I have appointed to be the land of Zion, for the beginning of the gathering of my saints; All the land which can be purchased in Jackson county, and the counties round about, and leave the residue in mine hand." (D&C 101:69-71, emphasis added)

For those who don't know the story, the saints were driven out of Jackson and many generations have passed away without erecting New Jerusalem in the slightest (I'm sure God was very discouraged, but hopefully he's over it by now). Instead we built Zion in Salt Lake City and after a while just told people to stay put for the time being.

But Jackson County's still slated to be Zion, the New Jerusalem. That hasn't changed. Since the 1970s the LDS Church has been "purchas[ing] all the lands with money [...] which can be purchased with money," just like it says to do in D&C 101.

So why do I doubt this Jackson County-New Jerusalem thing? Is it because God was wrong when he said "verily this generation shall not pass away until an house shall be built unto the Lord" (D&C 84:5)? Is it because the Church seems so ho-hum about hastening the work? Is it because Missouri sucks? I mean, honestly, why would Jesus rule the entire world from Jackson County? It's weird.

Then again, is ruling the world from a throne build in rural America any weirder than ruling from Washington D.C. or London or Paris or Berlin or Moscow or Beijing or somewhere else? Jesus rules, he can do what he wants.

P.S. Goddammit people! Someone beat us to building building the New Jerusalem temple.

Mormons the Israelites

Here's an early doubt for you. According to the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith was a direct descendant of Joseph, the youngest son of Jacob who was sold into Egypt, and Brigham Young confirmed that our latter-day Joseph was "pure Ephraimite." This might lead one to believe that the British Isles were populated by the tribe of Ephraim, right? The Brits must be Hebrew at heart.

But they're not. Neither was the Smith family. The Book of Mormon prophesy was bullshit. DNA evidence proves that.

"Gryffindor! No, WAIT... Ephraim!!"

And yet Mormons continue to claim lineage to the tribe of Ephraim. Isn't that a bit arrogant? How do Mormons expect anyone to take them seriously when they start spouting off about being Ephraimite? Just don't get your hopes up for an Israeli duel citizenship.

Wow - the joke

You know what would really be funny? If the revelation currently known as the Word of Wisdom were actually a joke that has since been taken very, very seriously!

But I doubt it was a joke. I have to doubt it.