Christmas confusion: the star

Mormons believe that there really, truly was a star that appeared at Jesus' birth. They believe this partly because the Gospel of Matthew mentions some astrologers reading his sign in the sky but also because The Book of Mormon treats the star as a real thing.

It all starts out with the sun going down and "great lights in heaven" (Helaman 14:3) keeping things as bright as day. Then we get the Star of Bethlehem showing up sometime later.

The story makes wonderful sense until you stop to think about it. Why does the Bible not mention a night as bright as day? Were the "great lights" Samuel the Lamanite spoke of, like, angels acting as nightlights or something? Third Nephi doesn't say. Why would Herod's astrologers be the only assholes able to see and understand the significance of a mega-bright star showing up in the sky? Why should we believe that star-reading, horoscoping assholes had any valuable insight about the future at all, ever? Why would said astronomers need a star to travel ten miles down the road, anyway? Why doesn't Samuel the Lamanite give any instructions on how to read the "many signs and wonders in heaven" (Helaman 14:6)? Is a new savior being born every time a supernova pops or a meteor shower hits? Does God really relay messages of truth through the stars? If so, it would seem that modern-day astronomers and modern-day prophets are both having a hell of a time making heads or tails of what God's trying to tell us via astroscript.

What if it's all just a fun story? What if The Book of Mormon is just another fun story based off of a fun story or two?

My tribe, my future

Patriarchal blessings are a big deal in the LDS Church. Receiving that blessing equates to an unmistakeable encounter with real live direct personal prophecy. There is no maybe about it, this is God addressing you and you alone through his prophetic mouthpiece, the patriarch. The future God has in store for you is spelled in delicious detail if you're lucky, but most likely it will read something like a cross between a baby blessing, horoscope, and fortune cookie.

A few things are for certain though. You're from the tribe of Ephraim either directly or through adoption. Congratulations. You should keep your blessing as a private, sacred matter because, if you go around sharing it, you'll probably realize that it's just like everyone else's blessing and that might cause you to doubt. You should read your blessing all the time and probably memorize it because the more time you invest in it the less likely you'll be to throw it out as complete trash. Finally, you'll likely notice as your life progresses that, despite all of your best efforts and deepest convictions, your patriarchal blessing and your real life aren't matching up, and you might be believe it's your fault. Just keep in mind that there are very few certainties anyone can tell you about life; one is that you will die and another is that until you do you'll have to address a several physical needs and experience a wide range of emotions, some pleasant, others less so.

My patriarchal blessing was perfect. It said everything right. Tribe of Ephraim. Check. Diligent mission service. Check. Marriage to a choice daughter of our Heavenly Father. Check. Righteously fulfill my paternal role. Check. Life of potentially high callings and committed service in the Church. Check. Future recipient of unbounded love and respect by countless people. Check. That's either a BINGO! or a jackpot, I think.

Or it could just be the same Mormon spew I've heard every Sunday and every day in between about how my life should be if I want to be "truly happy" and make God so very proud of me.