Heavenly fatherliness #6 - Allowing differences

According to popular wisdom, a good father accepts that his children are not like him.

I've been told that God knows we are imperfect and mortal, but we are his children and can become like him through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ. So even though we're not like Our Old Man, we can be if we just drink the Kool-Aid. If we don't become perfect through Christ, we will be alienated from God. That's the rub - conformity to his perfection is absolutely essential. If you are not perfect, as he is, you do not qualify for his highest kingdom.

He sounds like the Worst Dad in the Universe to me.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

My testimony moments

I experienced the testimony-making moments of Mormonism. I felt the burning, I felt the tingles, I felt the rush, I cried the tears, I found the relief, I found my answers, I was overcome with love, I was truly converted to the Jesus and his One True Church. At least I was pretty sure.

The fact is it was always a little hard to tell what was going on in those moments. Was I sweating profusely because I feeling the Spirit or because I was standing in front of a large crowd of judgmental peers? Was my heart racing because I was in tune with the Spirit or because I was embarrassed that the only thing I could think to say were those same pronouncements everyone else has said when they've stood to bear their testimony? Was the relief I felt after prayer due to the Spirit  offering me celestial support or was it due to not hearing God tell me 'no'? (Hearing nothing is better than hearing 'no'!) When I prayed to feel God's love, did I feel it finally descend upon me or was I overwhelmed from asking?

I really really wanted to have these moments. I wanted to have my conversion story. I needed one to be an effective missionary. More importantly, I wanted to be a true convert. My point here is that my interpretive approach involved a whole lot of DESIRE.

Conditioning EXPECTATIONS also played heavily into my interpretations of testimony moments. I was taught that the Spirit communicates differently for everyone and that essentially anything could count. Once someone told me that they had experienced a sensation similar to an orgasm while praying and wanted to know if that was the Holy Ghost telling him the Book of Mormon was true. My companion wasn't so sure but I said it absolutely was an answer. The thing is that essentially any emotional response should be considered an answer in the affirmative by most Mormons' standard.

I however started to consider my answers a little more carefully. Were the emotions I felt coming from psychological stress? Were they generated within myself or did they feel like they had come from outside my body? Was what I had felt more than mere emotion? Was another personage, spirit, or presence involved, or was it all just me? Why was it the answers always felt so vague? Does God want me to be sure but not too sure? Were they really answers or did I make them answers? How would I have viewed those experiences had I not felt any cultural pressure?

Then again, maybe I was wrong. Maybe I needed more faith. Maybe God was answering my prayers and I wasn't recognizing them. Of all the doubts I had, the strongest were about myself.

Libido

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My baptism and confirmation

I can't believe I forgot to mention this before. I had no serious doubts going into my baptism. Even if my bishop had asked me my thoughts about the Creation and the Flood, I know my 8-year-old self would have shrugged the question off and pushed for baptism anyway. Not that I would have had to push, usually Mormon adults take care of all the required pushing.

I was told that I would feel the burden of my sins be lifted (which is odd considering Mormon doctrine teaches that we are incapable of sinning until we reach eight years old, the age of accountability), that I might possibly feel physically lighter, and that I would feel overwhelmed with God's love and know that I was accepted by Him. What I actually felt was quite different. I felt like it was over so fast that I didn't even know what happened. When I came out of the water I basically felt the same as before, just a little more embarrassed than usual because everyone was watching me and my underwear was probably showing through the wet white jump suit I was wearing. I felt hurried in the changing room and weird about the other boys and their fathers all changing together (I was raised a prude). I felt like I had missed something, but I was sure the good feelings were waiting for me around the corner. 

I also felt nervous that now everything I did could count against me. Everyone told me I would screw up and sin and it was bad but it was also okay because Jesus suffered and died for all our sins so we can repent, but keep in mind that repentance is hard and painful, so just don't screw up, okay? Okay.

Admittedly there was one more thing about my baptism that I wasn't too keen on. The font wasn't very cool. It was just the typical tiled box with stairs that you see above. What I really wanted was to get baptized in a natural body of water like Jesus in the River Jordan or all those converts in the Waters of Mormon. This baptism picture still kicks the shit out of any baptism I've ever seen.

My confirmation was very much the same experience. I had been told marvelous things about being confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and so I had a few expectations. I specifically expected to feel the Spirit come over me and confirm my decision to join the Church. I remember trying so hard to open up and tune in. I wanted to do it right. It was serious business. What I felt that Sunday morning was the nervousness of having all eyes on me and a sincere desire that the dudes confirming me would lift their hands a bit more because the weight of all their arms was making my neck tired. Please, dad, lay off a bit or wrap it up! Name a Jesus Christ AMEN!