WoW - the ole sweet tooth

It just so happens that we're learning more and more about how the kind of sugar consumption we enjoy today makes it very difficult indeed to "run and not be weary" and "walk and not faint" (D&C 89:20). In fact, all our sugar might be more like an open invitation to the "destroying angel" to come slay us.

Why didn't God warn us about this whole sugar fiasco? It would have been truly wise of him.

WoW - meat eating

It's time to address the explicitly clear part of the Word of Wisdom that everyone hates. 

"Yea, flesh also of beasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly; And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be used, only in times of winter, or of cold, or famine." (D&C 89:12-13)

In other words, God's cool with us eating a little meat if it's either (1) the cold season or (2) a time of famine.

If I had to guess, the justification for eating a little meat in the winter is that you can't grow crops when it's too cold and you're completely reliant on your most recent harvest; the justification for eating a little meat in times of famine is probably the same: you don't have crops growing.

Did God not foresee our day of global trade? We're no longer a bunch of do-it-yourselfer farming types. Did he not see the advent of industrialize agriculture? Did he somehow miss that science labs would produce super-hardy varieties of fruits and vegetables? We have fresh produce year round, brothers and sisters! The cold doesn't stop us! There are no more famines in the rich developed world! Who even needs meat anymore? Eat meat sparingly? Don't you worry, Lord, we no longer have to eat any at all!

The only problems is that we have all been seduced by the $1 hamburger menus across America. That's probably what God saw coming down the pipe. He probably saw the "evils and designs" of the "conspiring men in the last days" (D&C 89:4) running the vast majority of meat produced in the United States. God's just trying to protect us from extremely powerful men who want to cash us out, right? It's so clear!

And yet that's not what you'll hear in church. Ask any member about the "meat sparingly" bit in the Word of Wisdom and chances are you'll be informed that that advice is out of date and has been since the invention of the freezer/fridge combo. You see, back in the day they would never harvest an animal when it was warm because the meat would go bad so fast. Besides, the warm months are when grass grows and livestock can feed and fatten up. You want to get to butchering after the animals are fat, not before.

But what about the whole "sparingly" thing even when it was winter? It sounds an awful lot like God's trying to minimize the killing of animals. It sounds like God might be one of those PETA assholes. Let's not be ridiculous, we all know God's Kingdom invests in ranching.

WoW - drugs

One amazing fact about the Word of Wisdom, the revelation given to Joseph Smith about healthy living, is that totally foresaw the problems of our day and gave us sound guidance on how to avoid those health dangers. Take drugs for example. Drugs come in many shapes and sizes, but they will all destroy you. They'll take over your life, ruin it, invade your family's life, ruin that, ruin your friends' lives, and basically making dying more horrible and painful both physically and emotionally. Haven't you read Requiem for a Dream? (Well don't, just watch the movie. No, don't do that either. It sucks.)

Scene from that shitty movie that everyone loved.

Let's turn to the revealed word of God on the matter.

This is what it says about drugs:

Then there's this:

This:

And finally this:

Obviously there's a lot to learn here.

Remember, this advice on drugs from the Lord is meant to protect us from the danger of substances aimed at us "[i]n consequence of evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the last days" (D&C 89:4). Clearly this is in reference to the drug lords who push horrible substances violently across the globe and pushers who pray upon small children, which is why the following verses address the consumption of wine.

God totally nails Big Tobacco. That's another score for God!

But he does fail to mention the use of psychedelic mushrooms

and he doesn't mention the growing popularity of opium either.

It might feel like a couple of missed opportunities to some doubters (you'd think God would at least throw in a verse about addiction, right?), but, for those of us who have mastered doubting our doubts, we don't actually need God to say something or have what he's thinking put in writing for us to know exactly what's on his mind.

WoW - wine, strong drinks, and mild drinks

In my experience Mormons, even the ones who are on the fence about the metaphysical stuff, boast of the wisdom of the Word of Wisdom, the LDS Church's dietary guideline (read "commandment"). The rules seem to stand on their own. For example, everyone knows that alcohol is bad for you. In the short term it impairs your judgment, speed, and coordination and gives you horrible breath; in the long term excessive drinking contributes to a disgustingly chubby gut, depression, cirrhosis of the liver, and cancer. That's why it's so easy to get behind the Church's policy on total abstinence.

And it's right in the scriptures: "inasmuch as any man drinketh wine or strong drink among you, behold it is not good, neither meet in the sight of your Father"!

It's very clear... until you read the rest of the verse: "only in assembling yourselves together to offer up your sacraments before him [the Father]". SO WINE'S OKAY IN CHURCH (according to the word of God to Joseph Smith).

No biggy. It's just a sip of wine. In fact it's so insignificant that we don't even have to use wine at all in the sacrament. Let's ignore what God supposedly said and move on.

The next verse is also about wine for church services: "And, behold, this should be wine, yea, pure wine of the grape of the vine, of your own make". WE'RE COMMANDED TO MAKE OUR OWN WINE. Interesting. It's probably supposed to mean grape juice. No biggy.

 The next verse is just weird: "And, again, strong drinks are not for the belly, but for the washing of your bodies". What? This has to mean that we can use high grade alcohol to sanitize wounds, right? Then again it doesn't mention wounds, does it? Whatever it means, it definitely doesn't say you should be doing shots. No drinking alcohol, people!

"Nevertheless, wheat for man, and corn for the ox, and oats for the horse, and rye for the fowls and for swine, and for all beasts of the field, and barley for all useful animals, and for mild drinks, as also other grain." (verse 17, emphasis added)

Hold up a second there. Wheat beer? Yes, that's for man. Barley beer? Yes, it's a lovely mild drink. Mead? Sure, there are hops in there too. Other mild drinks made from grains? Yes, it's all very useful.

After searching the Scriptures, I have to admit that I'm a little confused. I thought that "God has spoken against the use of ... alcohol," but it seems he's only spoken against some uses and in favor of others. If I were to actually follow the Word of Wisdom when it comes to alcohol, I wouldn't be the weirdo at the party who's always turning down a beer. Hell, I might even be the dude pouring vodka all over his body instead of just mixing it into drinks like everyone else. But if you want to taste my wine, you're going to have to come to church with me on Sunday!

How the hell does the Word of Wisdom speak for our day?

Fiery salamanders and slippery treasures

I heard about the Mark Hofmann forgeries only a few years ago when a sibling mentioned them to me in passing. I didn't look up Hofmann or read anything about the forgeries right away because, as juicy as it all was, I expected nothing less from our modern prophets, seers, and revelators.

Page 1 of the "Salamander Letter"

In a nutshell, Hofmann was an amazing forger who produced a number of documents relating to early LDS Church history. These forged documents compromised the Church's position of authority to such an extent that Gordon Hinckley, who was serving as a councilor to Spencer Kimball, got directly involved in the purchasing and hiding of the Hofmann forgeries. There's plenty of literature out there on topic (like this, this, or this) if you'd like all the nefarious details.

We can all agree that Mark Hofmann did terrible things and hurt a lot of people - killing two - but his story should find its way onto everyone's lists of doubts because of how badly the Church handled him. First off the Church showed zero power of discernment with regards to Hofmann's evil intents. The Church showed zero power of discernment with regard to the content of invented documents. Instead, the Church's behavior indicates that top leaders find the existence of such documents entirely plausible. The Church proved that it was willing to spend hundreds of thousands of (early 1980s) dollars to control compromising documents. And top leadership was more than eager to keep the content of the forgeries a secret from the general Church membership and the world in what can only be described as outright deception.

How could our prophets, seers, and revelators be so naive? How could they be so shady? Why should we trust the Church's whitewashed version of history when it's obvious that they themselves do not? Isn't it cause for concern when our top leaders are so preoccupied with an potential expose of early Mormon insanity? It's frankly incriminating.

Together in the clouds?

Do Mormons believe in the Rapture? I think the answer is no. I only ever recall teachers mentioning it as a belief in other faiths, not ours. And yet the scripture in 1 Thesselonians is quite clear:

"Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord." (4:17, emphasis added)

I've already commented on the whole cloud thing, so let's move on to the issue of how Mormons might understand this verse. Good thing Joseph Smith came along to clarify the translation for us:

So now, thanks to Joseph's amazing powers to translate, we have:

“Then they who are alive, shall be caught up together into the clouds with them who remain, to meet the Lord in the air; and so shall we be ever with the Lord.” (JST, 1 Thes. 4:17, emphasis added)

Dang. We're still getting beamed up into the sky to hang with JC. So is that a "yes" on Rapture?

You're out!

Excommunication is a funny thing. The Church is supposedly for everyone - as in EVERY SINGLE HUMAN BEING EVER BORN OR TO BE BORN ON EARTH NEEDS BOTH THE GOSPEL AND THE ORDINANCES FOUND ONLY IN THE LDS CHURCH - and yet there are those times when you just have to take your neighbor aside and say:

"Hey, Jesus loves you and died for you, but you can't be in his church anymore because we say so!"

Everyone's supposed to fit in, but apparently we need to kick some people out anyway. This is kind of the way Jesus wants it.

Let's be practical here. You can't let that new convert dude keep standing up and flipping off the first councilor whenever he takes the stand, can you? And I know there's room for the lady who likes to teach that dinosaur fossils were placed on the earth by the Devil to deceive the hearts of man, but can we honestly sit by and let a Sunday School teacher admit that she thinks green tea is harmless and that the Church should change its policy about tea drinking?

What are the limits of heterodoxy and heteropraxy? What are the Church's limits? Who's out? We can't all be in.