Stepping out meant taking a step in and that was scary. I wasn't worried about stepping into a dangerous, violent world of corruption and depravity. So the Church didn't work out for me! Not the end of the world. So God didn't pull through! Shucks, but life goes on. I was worried about becoming an Anti-Mormon in the eyes of my family and friends.
A "fall" like mine meant that I had probably become an enemy to the Church. I could no longer bear testimony of the truthfulness of it all. I was no longer cool with those most sacred of covenants made in the holy house of the Lord. What if I started telling people I no longer believed in the Church? How many fragile testimonies might my disbelief damage? What if I started sharing temple secrets? What if I tried to oppose the Church? What if I became obsessed with bringing the Church down?!
Well guess what. I was as opposed to Anti-Mormons as much as I was before. I couldn't understand why anyone would dedicate time to trash talking Mormons. I didn't want to say anything that might lead someone down my path of disbelief. So why the blog?
Mormons would love to control the narrative of Mormonism. They would love to eliminate all uncorrelated thoughts, practices, and voices. They hate it when a weirdo gets up in fast and testimony meeting, they hate it when someone digs up a crazy comment by a prophet or apostle, they hate it when someone gets in the media saying something that isn't exactly what they want that person to say. Mormons want to be beautiful and perfect. They want all warts burned off.
Unfortunately I and all the other warts are still here, and it's only fair that I and the other warts get a chance to talk about our thoughts and experiences. We don't have to silence ourselves for the Church's sake, especially when the Church - its leaders and its members - feel obligated to continue not just preaching, but also speaking ill of those who leave the faith.
It's past time for open dialog.