Satan a la mode

The Book of Mormon was profoundly unfashionable for it's time when it comes to considerations of the devil; in the midst of a non-committal vogue, it dives headfirst into making assertions about the unknown. Follow the bracketed links to see how Joseph Smith and the Gold Plates boldly put Percy Bysshe Shelley (and his ilk!) in his place. 

There may be observed in polite society a great deal of coquetting about the Devil, especially among divines. They qualify him as the evil spirit [Mormons too (because God didn't give him body): Mosiah 4:14, Mosiah 2:37]; they consider him as synonymous with the flesh [sometimes, but mostly the Devil uses the flesh as a wicked joystick: 2 Ne. 10:24, Mosiah 16:3, Mosiah 16:5, Helaman 7:15]. They seem to wish to divest him of all personality [whatever! Satan has a personality and it's horrible: 2 Ne. 28:22, Alma 30:60, Moroni 7:12]... Hell is popularly considered as metaphorical of the torments of an evil conscience [No way, Satan's a real dude not our pained psyches: 2 Ne. 2:17, Alma 30:53, Jacob 7:18, 3 Ne. 18:15] and by no means capable of being topographically ascertained [OK, so Mormons don't know where Hell is (maybe Outer Space/Darkness) but they certainly know it's physical: 1 Ne. 14:3, 1 Ne. 15:35]. No one likes to mention the torments of the everlasting fire [um...: 2 Ne. 9:16, 2 Ne. 28:23, Jacob 3:11, Jacob 6:10, Mosiah 3:27, Mosiah 26:27, Alma 12:27] and the poisonous gnawing of the worm [try 'dragon' or 'monster', buddy!] that liveth forever and ever [2 Ne. 9:16, 2 Ne. 9:19, 2 Ne. 9:26, 2 Ne. 26:22].  (From Essay on the Devil and Devils, 1820.)

In other words, if you're doubting the literal existence of Satan, his angels/devils and Hell, YOU HAD BETTER RECONSIDER! THIS SHIT IS REAL!!

"Ouch! Ouch! Ooouch!!"

Don't doubt that this is one doubt you'll be eternally sorry you never doubted! Neither popular opinion nor careful research can save you.

Heavenly fatherliness #35 - Unconditional love

According to popular wisdom, a good father shows unconditional love.

Oh man, Heavenly Father loves us so much! He loves us unconditionally and has shown us that love through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, which saves us from an otherwise inevitable damnation. It's so easy to see that he's a great dad!

Except in Mormonism we have to deal with the whole sticky issue of God's full blessings being entirely predicated upon a long series of conditions called commandments. If we're even lukewarm about things God will find us disgusting. If we oppose his One True Church and willfully sin against him, he'll count us as enemies and royally fuck us up.

Just look at Satan and his followers. Does God ever mention loving them after their rebellion? If he still loves them, why hasn't he forgiven them? It seems to me that God's love is by definition conditional.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #27 - Tough but fair

According to popular wisdom, a good father is tough, yet always fair.

We like to think that God is perfectly just and everyone will receive his or her just reward in the Hereafter. We're obsessed with the idea that everyone will be getting what they deserve one day. I'm not sure why anyone believes this, though. God has given no indication throughout scriptural history of ever being fair. In this life God is totally unpredictable, if that were not the case people would have learned that the benefits of living righteously outweighed the benefits of evil doing. Instead we see that being a backstabbing fuck often pays and that climbing the ladder of success means stomping on the fingers of the people on the rungs below.

And God? He's no better than the rest of us, is he? He'll mess anyone up in order to keep his place at the top.

If God's willing to stoop to racism, genocide, war, murder, theft, petty, controlling rules, etc. here and now, why should we believe he's going to sort everything out at the Final Judgement? Because he said so? Are we really going to trust this lying, sadistic megalomaniac? 

"Don't run! I am your fair and loving Father-God!"

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #25 - Encouraging family members

According to popular belief, a good father encourages family members.

Does Heavenly Father do this? Does he encourage us? If you're like me, you were told that God is always pleading with us to live a righteous and holy life, and doesn't that sound a hell of a lot like encouragement? And think about all of his prophets who talk to us all the time at General Conference. They encourage the shit out of us!

The thing is that God's encouragement comes via a long list of appeals that any logical person would throw out as irrelevant to righteousness and holiness. He appeals to his authority (he's The Great I Am), to bad consequences (you'll be miserable if you think and do differently), to force (he will destroy us if we disobey or are found unclean), and appeals to wealth (you'll have treasures untold in Heaven, maybe even a harem!). Even should any of these appeals prove true, they do not make God an especially good motivator, just more of a manipulator.

Then again, God's not interested in teaching his children to think. God wants obedience above all - above service and kindness and tolerance. Ignorant faith and blind obedience are worth more than thoughtful disillusionment and disaffection. That sounds like an Asshole Father to me.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #21 - Spending

According to popular wisdom, a good father makes a budget and limits his spending on "toys".

Many religions ask for tithes and offerings to keep functions going and priests alive, but I think most believers would agree that God has no need for money (except, it seems, for blood), so there's not really any divine budget to speak of. Let's face it, Heavenly Father has everything that exists already - HE HAS ALL THE TOYS and then some - what else can he possibly want?

On the other hand, Heavenly Father does fit the criterion of limiting his spending when it comes to his children. He's extremely stingy with us, most of whom live in horrible poverty. And he's no better when it comes to the afterlife; he's budgeted the salvation to a very select few - his "chosen." In other words, he plays favorites big time. God the Father is pretty awful. Easily one of the worse dads I've heard described.

Goats, be gone!

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #8 - Discipline

According to popular wisdom, a good father waits for privacy to administer discipline.

Does God wait for that private moment to discipline? If we are to believe the scriptures this answer is OF COURSE NOT. Your sins will be shouted from the rooftops, your punishments will be public, your shame will be for all to see. The Father of Humanity doesn't give two shits about your personal pride, dignity, or physical well being. If you don't do what he says, he'll tromp your guts no matter where you are. He's prepared a torture chamber for you if you disobey.

Even excluding his torture chamber, God's disciplinary tactics are really odd. He's extremely indiscriminate in meting out discipline. (It rains on the good and the bad, right?) If God actually dealt out punishment exclusively for wickedness and blessings exclusively for righteousness we might actually be more inclined to do good and be good people because we would all see and seek the immediate rewards God has for us. But He doesn't. Instead God loves to give everyone a hard time regardless of our behavior just to confuse us and make us mad. It almost seems evil.

When it comes to discipline, God's the Biggest Fatherly Fuckup I can think of. The Dude's a total mess. We should probably talk to him about it.

Dear God Father, 
You can take Your vengeance, scourges, and pains of Hell and shove them up Your ass. Straight up Your ass. Now if You want to be a worthwhile dad, I recommend You either develop a better disciplining strategy or lay the fuck off Your children, they're good enough at shitting all over each other and "teaching" each other lessons.
Love,
Your dear Son

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #5 - Support and loyalty

According to popular wisdom, a good father is supportive and loyal.

You might have heard that Our Father in Heaven will lift us up in our time of need. If that's all there were to it we could probably say that God's getting a thumbs up on this thing, but there's more. The thing is God will only sustain and support you if you're following his wishes and desires (i.e. Commandments). If you're not trying your hardest to do what he wants and being loyal to his standards, he'll make you pay. In this life and the next because the plan is you either do it God's way or you can face the consequences.

Instead of the All-powerful Father supporting his children, he calls on his children to validate and support him. Now what kind of father would act that way?

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

You're out!

Excommunication is a funny thing. The Church is supposedly for everyone - as in EVERY SINGLE HUMAN BEING EVER BORN OR TO BE BORN ON EARTH NEEDS BOTH THE GOSPEL AND THE ORDINANCES FOUND ONLY IN THE LDS CHURCH - and yet there are those times when you just have to take your neighbor aside and say:

"Hey, Jesus loves you and died for you, but you can't be in his church anymore because we say so!"

Everyone's supposed to fit in, but apparently we need to kick some people out anyway. This is kind of the way Jesus wants it.

Let's be practical here. You can't let that new convert dude keep standing up and flipping off the first councilor whenever he takes the stand, can you? And I know there's room for the lady who likes to teach that dinosaur fossils were placed on the earth by the Devil to deceive the hearts of man, but can we honestly sit by and let a Sunday School teacher admit that she thinks green tea is harmless and that the Church should change its policy about tea drinking?

What are the limits of heterodoxy and heteropraxy? What are the Church's limits? Who's out? We can't all be in.