Escorting Satan

Mormon lore is a funny thing. Of all the stories you hear growing up in the LDS Church, a favorite is the story of the son of a friend of a friend who despite having Down syndrome wanted to get a patriarchal blessing. The jaw-dropping part of the story is that in this special blessing it is revealed that the reason the young man even has Down syndrome is because he had personally escorted Lucifer out of Heaven at the end of the War in Heaven and the chromosomal condition he now has somehow protects him from the temptations of the Devil!

It always sounded very fishy to me, but I doubted those doubts. I'm sure someone somewhere on Earth has been protected by a mental disability to keep him or her safe from Satan. That's totally the kind of thing a generous father would do to his extremely strong and valiant (so strong and valiant they were given the task of bouncing the Devil!) spirit child. God obviously has trust issues and is a bit of a control freak. And never mind the fact that taking away someone's accountability for his or her choices goes completely contrary to the very purpose of coming to Earth in the first place.

The evilest world

If there are so many other worlds inhabited by the children of God throughout the Universe, why were we here on Earth so lucky to host the Only Begotten of the Father? Well, the way I learned it was that the inhabitants of Earth were the very worst of everyone everywhere - the only people bad enough to kill the Son of God - and therefore needed Jesus the most.

First off let me say that whoever came up with this idea was an ass and Joseph Smith was a bigger ass for endorsing it. Why would our spirit brothers and sisters be any different than us when they have the same spiritual parentage, were exposed to the same ideas and learning processes in the Pre-Existence, fought in the same War in Heaven over the same issues, have to undergo the same "test" of faith and have the exact same potential to become like God? Do they have better access to angel messengers? Does Satan have less influence on them (because he was cast down to Earth and not Outer Darkness or Outer Space)? And if everyone is saved only through Jesus doesn't that mean that every single spirit child of God needs Jesus to exactly the same degree, or do people who don't swear and always tell their moms they love them only kind of need Jesus a little bit? The way I heard it growing up, even the amazing Joseph Smith was in dire need of the Atonement the same as all the other prophets.

Why do we sit through lessons on this stuff and humbly absorb it? Why don't we speak out against this drivel? Are we really so enamored with guilt that we can't shut this kind of shit down?

Aliens - other worlds

Did you know that you have long lost spiritual brothers and sisters living out on other planets? Well Joseph Smith did!
 
I remember being taught as a little kid that Earth is just one of the many populated planets that Jehovah (Jesus) had made under the direction of Elohim (Heavenly Father). Do Mormons believe in aliens? You had better fuckin' believe it! But not the weird Star Trek kind, just normal, Homo sapiens kind.

In fact you don't have to go too far to find some of these brothers and sisters. Joseph Smith found tall Quakers on the Moon

and Brigham Young found that the Sun is inhabited.

Science has shown that they were totally right, right? No? Well it will! For now all you need to know is that Jesus died for all aliens, not just for us.

Alien gods

Joseph Smith, Jr. revealed a great many amazing things about God. For example, he taught that

1. God is a physical being
2. named Elohim

3. who lives on or near a planet or star called Kolob;
4. he has billions and billions of offspring (the spirits of all mankind)

5. that he implanted on an empty planet (Earth),

6. where they would have to face the wrath of natural disasters, disease, hunger, doubt and mutual violence

7. all in an effort to determine which of these billions of offspring would worship him enough to become the next generation of ultra-intelligent gods.

A later prophet named Lorenzo Snow put it this way: "As man now is, God once was; as God is now, man may be."

Lorenzo, confident enough to sport the godbeard early on in the program.

In other worlds, for Mormons, God is a super-powerful, mega-smart alien who colonized a planet with his larvae and turned the world into a kind of jungle boot camp as a sort of test. He's currently out there in the Universe somewhere watching us and waiting, waiting to see which of us will qualify to join the ranks of the GODS! It's called the Plan of Happiness, guys!

"HA!" "HA HA HA!" "HA HA!

I can't wait to meet God's god, our Grangod, and all the rest, all the way back to the Very First Colonizer, Alpha. Or did he have a heavenly father as well?

It's all fun stuff to think about!

My beloved brothers

Our dear matriarchs have often offered us men priceless advice on how to best prepare for the blessings and responsibilities the Lord has in store for us. I hope all of us with a penis find it within our hearts to wisely head their indispensable council.

My beloved brothers (and dear, young brothers), men of the Church, today I should like to speak about the role of manhood in this great Church. I would like to pay sincere tribute and give special encouragement to these special gents. I trust that what I say will be helpful and beneficial to you tonight. 

First of all I want you to be proud that you are a man. God made it clear that men are very special, and has also very clearly defined their position, their duties, their destiny. As a man you have been born with many unique endowments that are not common to women. 

Let me remind us all of man's primary responsibilities. One of your most important obligations is to be able to remain clean and pure. Be chaste and do everything in your power to help others to be. You young men must set the proper example. Help our young women stay morally clean. Young men should realize that the women they date will not honor and respect them if they have been involved in moral transgression. Equal Opportunity Promiscuity simply robs men of their moral influence. Always remember that you can go much farther on respect than on popularity.

Another contention raised is that a man is free to choose what he does with his own body. I would enlist the righteous Priestesshood of God to help such misguided young men, because a beautiful, chaste man is the perfect workmanship if God. Respect yourself. Most men naturally want to love and be loved by a good woman. What man could want any greater glory or tribute than that which comes from an appreciative, loving wife? She will largely determine the remainder of his life. You are expected to go with your wife wherever her employment or call may take her. You will even surrender your name to her name. 

The pursuit of a career instead of marriage and the caring for children is an increasing choice for many young men. Some of our brothers indicate that they do not want to consider marriage until after they have completed their degrees or pursued a career. This is not right! It's generally selfishness, cold and self-centered, which leads people to shun the marriage responsibility. Husbands, submit yourselves unto your own wives.

Much is said of the drudgery and confinement of the man's role in the home. You belong there! Some male rights thinkers view homemaking with outright contempt, but as men, the roles of husband and father are at the very center of your souls and cry out to be satisfied! This is the great, irreplaceable work of men; life cannot go on if men cease to make and care for children. Fortunately most men don't have to track a career like a woman does. Of course as a man you can do exceptionally well in the workplace, but is that the best use of your divinely appointed talents and masculine traits? The father who entrusts his child to the care of others that he may do non-fatherly work, whether for gold, for fame or for civic service, should remember that a child left to himself bringeth his father to shame. If you can be a full-time homemaker, be grateful! Do not feel denied and never complain about this unselfish service. Mormon men are the hardest working men in the world, but you do all these things willingly - because you are a man!

So my beloved brothers, please know how much we appreciate you. We love you and respect you. The Priestesshood leadership of this church at all levels gratefully acknowledges the service, sacrifice, commitment and contribution of the brethren. For the women of the Church, I say thank you. Thank you for making our lives so much better! Thank you so much. Never wonder if you have worth in the sight of the Lord and to the leaders of the Church.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Wasn't that a great message? Don't we feel so loved?

"Whuh the fuh?!?"

Graven images

 As a missionary I loved accusing Catholics of worshiping idols. It made me feel so superior. Hadn't they read the Bible, or God's sake? It's very clear:

Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. 

I think that means no statues of birds, or calves, or fish, or Satan, or prophets, or God, etc. Let's keep reading:

Yes.

Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.

I find it odd that God would feel so insecure about statues of stuff. Keep in mind he's not saying he feels self-conscious about how big a sculptor might make his nose or how small of a penis an artist might give him - he seriously just can't stand people using statues of any kind in worship. It doesn't seem to matter if the statue is nothing more than a vehicle to get people focused on God and his works. GOD FORBIDS ALL STATUES. 

Of course.

God's so touchy about this shit that he's totally willing to accuse users of statues of hating him and threatening their children. Yes, I know, he sounds like a asshole, but what I really want to point out here is that Mormons love their religious statues. 

Oh, that'd be perfect for the living room!

I reached a point where I had to doubt LDS adherence to Number Two of the Big Ten. That really sucked because it made criticizing Catholics so much harder.

 

Oh, my! Satan has such a strong hold on the World!

My beloved sisters

Here's a wonderful video synopsis of what our beloved brethren have been saying to our beloved sisters these past several decades. May your hearts be filled with their patronizing, patriarchal love as they thank you for staying in your place.

(This is totally the kind of thing I mentioned earlier on in this project.)

Mark Twain's review

"The Mormon Bible is rather stupid and tiresome to read, but there is nothing vicious in its teachings. Its code of morals is unobjectionable—it is “smouched” from the New Testament and no credit given."

Read the entire review here.

Why ordain women?

 1. BECAUSE WOMEN ARE NOT SUBSERVIENT TO MEN.

2. Because LDS scripture, doctrine, and history all give room to ordaining women.

3. Because soon the Church will regret not doing it.

Follow the prophet

PROPHETS ARE WONDERFUL! FOLLOW THAT SHIT! WOOT WOOT!

Age of the prophets

I always wondered, even as a very young child, just how the hell the early biblical prophets lives hundreds of years. It wreaked of bullshit even way back when.

How did I justify believing that Adam, Methuselah and Noah lived nearly a millennium each? God only knows.

Ethics of Belief

If you are someone who is waiting for evidence to justify your beliefs in and practicing of Mormonism, take a few minutes with William Clifford's short essay "The Ethics of Belief". His beard is so prophetic!

Gay Mormon Husbands on TV

The Daily Beast had a good article the other day questioning the ethics of a new reality TV show featuring gay men married to straight women. Read it up. The brief summary of homosexuality in Mormonism is worth it.

What is the Book of Mormon?

Breaking news: some returned missionaries have finally found a way to teach the world HIS TRUTH! With this (hopefully) viral video, every inhabitant of the earth will soon know and accept The Book of Mormon for what it really is!

But didn't Brother Jake already make a viral YouTube video explaining The Book of Mormon? I'm sure the LDS Church has been reaping the bounteous fruits as Gentiles flock to convert after watching it.