Heavenly fatherliness #33 - Not an ATM

According to popular wisdom, a good father does not allow his children to treat him like an ATM.

Heavenly Father scores again! He is definitely not letting us cash in on his infinite resources. God only blesses us with financial prosperity when he sees fit. Most frequently that monetary blessing comes in the form of a coin on the sidewalk.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #32 - Appreciation

According to popular wisdom, a good father teaches his children to appreciate things.

"Thanks, son. I make like five bazillion of these things everyday, but thanks."

I don't know how much appreciation we can really expect from a god that cans an entire third of his children before they even take a breath. What kind of value does this being place on his children when only a very select few will be allowed into his presence when all is said and done?

I know some people feel like Heavenly Father sends them his love. I personally thought I might have felt God's love a couple of times when I prayed really hard about it. Other people never feel a damn thing ever. It's very hard to sort these things out.

In a world where the law seems to be kill or be killed, take or be stolen from, God asks us to count our blessings. Be thankful you're not dead, be thankful you're on the side that does the killing, be thankful you aren't stolen from, but thankful you have people who steal for you. Be thankful when you lose something - it teaches that material things don't matter. Remember it was worse for the early saints. Be thankful for deaths in the family - they teach you to value God's generous Plan.

"Thank me constantly, kids. You don't wanting me getting pissed off at your ingratitude."

Generous, that's what Heavenly Father is. Generous in the sense that he gives us what we earn.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #31 - Provider

According to popular wisdom, a good father provides for the whole family.

Mormons know and teach their young children that a father's role is first and foremost to provide for his family. I'm not entirely sure what "provide" is supposed to mean, but I'm pretty sure it has to do with money so the family has a roof to sleep under and food to eat (providing everything else the family needs is a mother's job).

The point is that our Heavenly Father loves us so much that he have us another father - an "earthly" one - to do all the stuff that He would do if he were here. He's basically delegated the work for the time being, but don't forget that everything we have comes as a blessing from Him. Anything your earthly father brings home came from God because God made everything (through Jesus).

The human family stands largely in need, but you can't blame God for all the negligent earthly fathers. You just can't. It's not God's fault that those who have do not share. He can't make them share. There's nothing questionable about the way Heavenly Father distributes his blessings.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #30 - Work ethic

According to popular wisdom, a good father has a strong work ethic.

We all know that God worked very hard when he created everything and declared it all to be very good. Then he rested a lot. He also works to bring about our eternal happiness. Works... Worked. Well maybe not him, but Jehovah-Jesus worked. God kind of delegated everything to him, remember?

Jehovah (who is pre-mortal Jesus, according to Mormon doctrine) created the Universe and was the god of the Old Testament. Then, when Jehovah took on a tabernacle of flesh, he changed his name to Joshua (a.k.a. Jesus) and took a couple of hours to die for everyone, at which point he declared "It is finished." Work's over, time to go home.

But we can't say Heavenly Father's not pulling his load just because Jesus gets to do the all the heavy lifting: creating, self-sacrificing, and final judging. Let's not forget that someone had to come up with the blueprints, the plan, and the laws. That's a lot of big brain business. I'd like to see you orchestrate something as detailed and time sensitive as setting up a purebred Joseph son of Joseph (descendant of Joseph, who was sold into Egypt) finding ancient scriptures before anyone else. I'm sure he really had to sit down and think that thing through.

Then again, how hard can this kind of organization be for God? Can we really believe the Man who knows everything and has all power does anything that he himself might call work? What kind of effort would actually register on the scale of God's infinite abilities?

I'm not seeing how this adds up.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #29 - Good teacher

According to popular wisdom, a good father is a good teacher.

Heavenly Father is constantly teaching us through things - his living prophets, dead prophets (scriptures), trials, our life experiences, and all the people he puts in our path - but he doesn't just defer teaching opporuntities to his other children - no, no! - he happily addresses us directly THROUGH THE HOLY GHOST.

The funny thing about the promptings of the Holy Ghost, the disembodied mind and voice of God that is somehow its own separate, bodiless being, is that they're very hard to understand. Good thing God's crystal clear when he goes through everyone else. It seems like everyone's really getting the same message, doesn't it?

Meh, I don't know. Maybe none of us have any idea what life's about and what we're supposed to get out of all of this.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #28 - Owning mistakes

According to popular wisdom, a good father is not afraid to own up to his mistakes.

Heavenly Father is kind of exempt from this fatherly behavior because the Dude is perfect. He makes no mistakes to own up to.

However, those who profess to speak for God are only human and are subject to making mistakes just like the rest of us. Oddly enough, they rarely, if ever, own up to them.

You might think a perfect God would ask his well-intentioned, mistake-making servants of choice to apologize from time to time.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #27 - Tough but fair

According to popular wisdom, a good father is tough, yet always fair.

We like to think that God is perfectly just and everyone will receive his or her just reward in the Hereafter. We're obsessed with the idea that everyone will be getting what they deserve one day. I'm not sure why anyone believes this, though. God has given no indication throughout scriptural history of ever being fair. In this life God is totally unpredictable, if that were not the case people would have learned that the benefits of living righteously outweighed the benefits of evil doing. Instead we see that being a backstabbing fuck often pays and that climbing the ladder of success means stomping on the fingers of the people on the rungs below.

And God? He's no better than the rest of us, is he? He'll mess anyone up in order to keep his place at the top.

If God's willing to stoop to racism, genocide, war, murder, theft, petty, controlling rules, etc. here and now, why should we believe he's going to sort everything out at the Final Judgement? Because he said so? Are we really going to trust this lying, sadistic megalomaniac? 

"Don't run! I am your fair and loving Father-God!"

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #26 - Tolerating mistakes

According to popular wisdom, a good father allows his kids to make some mistakes, however, he makes it clear that repeated irresponsibility won't be tolerated.

 Mormon beliefs about Heavenly Father's tolerance of sin suggest a fairly benevolent god, who will forgive us as often as we repent. Of course, if you don't repent you'll be eternally damned, so it's hard to maintain that the Father is entirely benevolent. His approach is "I forgive you only if you're sorry," and yet he asks us to forgive all regardless of whether or not they ask for that forgiveness.

"I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." (D&C 64:10)

That's called a double standard.

We should also keep in mind that proof of God's forgiveness or of his eternal rage are impossible to find here and now. We have to wait until we die to see how it all plays out. For the time being the Father of the Universe is showing no limits whatsoever as to what behavior he will tolerate.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #25 - Encouraging family members

According to popular belief, a good father encourages family members.

Does Heavenly Father do this? Does he encourage us? If you're like me, you were told that God is always pleading with us to live a righteous and holy life, and doesn't that sound a hell of a lot like encouragement? And think about all of his prophets who talk to us all the time at General Conference. They encourage the shit out of us!

The thing is that God's encouragement comes via a long list of appeals that any logical person would throw out as irrelevant to righteousness and holiness. He appeals to his authority (he's The Great I Am), to bad consequences (you'll be miserable if you think and do differently), to force (he will destroy us if we disobey or are found unclean), and appeals to wealth (you'll have treasures untold in Heaven, maybe even a harem!). Even should any of these appeals prove true, they do not make God an especially good motivator, just more of a manipulator.

Then again, God's not interested in teaching his children to think. God wants obedience above all - above service and kindness and tolerance. Ignorant faith and blind obedience are worth more than thoughtful disillusionment and disaffection. That sounds like an Asshole Father to me.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #24 - Rewards

According to popular wisdom, a good father does not reward his children for actions that are expected of them, such as helping with chores or performing well in school.

Does this mean that Heavenly Father should not reward us for doing his will and obeying his commandments because that's exactly what he expects of us? Does that mean that offering an eternal reward is a mistake? It looks like God's really missing the boat on this one.

Then again, if we look at the real world, it's impossible to know if we're being disciplined or rewarded at all, so much so that the very existence of earthly and heavenly rewards is debatable. We have to rely on faith. 
  
Maybe God's doing okay after all.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #23 - Peace talks

According to popular wisdom, a good father is a supportive and active disciplinarian through the power of his words, not his fists.

When it comes to words, nothing gets more ink than religious writing. Everyone, even non-believers, have a copy or two of books filled with holy writ, so I should probably concede that God and his fans are doing what they can to "discipline through the power of his words." If only those words made more sense. 

When it comes to fists, sure God's had to do some smiting from time to time, but we're adults, we can deal with it.  

Besides he seems to be done with the whole smiting thing for now. He seems to be content sitting back and watching his children following his earlier example.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #22 - Challenges

According to popular wisdom, a good father challenges his children, meaning he gives them some liberty to face setbacks, conflicts, and tasks to resolve on their own.

Chalk one up for God being a good father! Mormons totally believe God gives us our free agency so we can prove that we choose his plan and often gives us trials so we can learn about ourselves and gain wisdom through our experiences. God did it! He scored one for being a Good Father!

Actually, God's not so good at this, in my opinion. In fact, it seems he's cut us loose entirely and left everything up to his children to resolve. We have no evidence at all that God has done, is doing, or will do anything for the benefit of his children. All he ever "gives" are setbacks, conflicts, and tasks to resolve.

Worst of all, if you somehow mismanage these setbacks, conflicts, and tasks he'll blame you for it. I can hear him now, "You really should have just trusted in Me more. You didn't have enough faith. You were obviously too proud, too weak, too stupid, too mired in sin to pull yourself out of it. I'm really unimpressed. Lucky for you I'm so forgiving!"

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father. 

Heavenly fatherliness #21 - Spending

According to popular wisdom, a good father makes a budget and limits his spending on "toys".

Many religions ask for tithes and offerings to keep functions going and priests alive, but I think most believers would agree that God has no need for money (except, it seems, for blood), so there's not really any divine budget to speak of. Let's face it, Heavenly Father has everything that exists already - HE HAS ALL THE TOYS and then some - what else can he possibly want?

On the other hand, Heavenly Father does fit the criterion of limiting his spending when it comes to his children. He's extremely stingy with us, most of whom live in horrible poverty. And he's no better when it comes to the afterlife; he's budgeted the salvation to a very select few - his "chosen." In other words, he plays favorites big time. God the Father is pretty awful. Easily one of the worse dads I've heard described.

Goats, be gone!

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #20 - Guidance

According to popular wisdom, a good father offers guidance, words of wisdom, and aids in making better decisions.

In Mormonism we say that God gives us prophets to speak to us for him and the Holy Spirit to guide us. We have all sorts of guidance through the wise words of Holy Writ and numerous aids in the religious leaders who care for us and lead us in righteousness.

If this is the case, I would argue that Heavenly Father has given us too much. Too much conflicting guidance, that is. Our scriptures contradict themselves and each other. Our leaders also contradict themselves and each other. Everyone's looking for answers and no one seems to have them, including the people who claim they've heard it straight from the horse's mouth. And that's just within a single faith tradition; we haven't even started considering all the other possible advice God might have for us via other traditions. 

Thanks, God. Thanks for confusing the hell out of everyone.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father

Heavenly fatherliness #19 - Criticism

According to popular wisdom, a good father restrains criticism.

Does God restrain his criticism? Totally. Just ponder for one moment how many criticisms a Perfect Being could slam us with if he wanted. 

Not that he doesn't tell us we're total shit from time to time. We are base and fallen, prone to disobey. We are, in effect, naughty by nature. Unworthy. What harsher criticism can you possibly imagine? 

"Kids, you're all total nasty fuck-faced shits who can't do anything I tell you to do right, but I love you like hell."

Thanks, Dad! We love you, too!

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father. 

Heavenly fatherliness #18 - Exemplary behavior

According to popular wisdom, a good father leads by example and stands true to set principles and values he would like his children to follow.

At face value this appears to be God's exact nature and attitude: He's perfect and requires us to try to be perfect like Him.

Then again Heavenly Father turns out to be a very mobile target.

Let's start with God's standard for the family if only because a couple of recent posts mention a husband's attitude and behavior toward his wife. His standards for the family are all over the place. Adam gets it on with his own rib, Abraham sires children through a servant, Lot had children with his daughters, David has a shitload of concubines, Jesus says divorce is adultery, Paul says marriage is for the weak, and Joseph says let me fuck your wife/sister/daughter/mother.... So what's the standard? What are we supposed to do exactly? Whatever it is, you won't figure it out from the scriptures. Or from semi-scripture either.

The easiest example of a broken standard is God's disobedience to the commandment to not kill people. He kills selectively at times and at others indiscriminately, sometimes with natural disasters, other times with is chosen people, like when he ordered the Israelites to kill all the Canaanites - men, women, children, and livestock - and then there was that one time he used bears. Children and livestock? These are beings who cannot think critically and don't know any better (it's not like the Canaanite children had any opportunities to learn about and worship the One True God of Israel), so why should they die? Where is God's understanding and mercy? Who cares? Fuck 'em all! He even orders the killing of unborn babies and their mothers. The only thing more vile would have been if he had ordered his murderers to defecate into the victims' mouths or something like that. Then again he once wanted to make children eat shit pies. Jesus didn't exactly set things straight either. He gave us a pretty weird example to live up to when he cursed that fig tree for not having figs out of season. Are we supposed to be like that?  

When it comes to owning slaves the Bible's pretty clear. You can have them! Hooray!

Marriage, killing, and slavery only make up three examples but they're pretty heavy issues, aren't they? Just think how confusing things get once you get down to the small stuff. 

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father. 

Heavenly fatherliness #17 - Respect towards women

According to popular wisdom, a good father respects the women in his life.

The argument in favor of God respecting women I think goes something like, "He most definitely loves all of his daughters as much as he loves his sons! He's given women the amazing role of motherhood, which makes them not just beautiful but indispensable to the human race!" Sexist but respectful is the way to go.

The fact is that when it comes to examples and laws on how to treat women God has come up with some pretty shitty ideas (like giving some men many wives and concubines). Men always come first. It's clear that God thinks he has to talk to boys first and that women should be obedient to his sons.

The Creation and the Fall are two more classic examples of where a man (Adam) comes first and where a woman (Eve) gets shat on for disobedience.

A whole slew of disgusting rules and regulations have been created and persist to the present day restricting the kinds of things women can and cannot do from how to speak, how much to speak, with whom to speak, when to speak, where she can go, with whom she can go there, which doors she can use, what she can wear, what she can own, greater punishments for misdeeds, etc. The list is really quite extensive, if you care to look into it.

God's will has been one of the many excuses throughout human history for treating women first and foremost as the property of men and more recently/currently as second class citizens. You'd think that an All-powerful Father would work just a little bit harder to clarify the dignity and equality of women, wouldn't you?

And yes, even the Mormon version of God IS VERY SEXIST. In the LDS Church it begins young and follows you into adulthood. But there are some changes even conservative Mormons can get behind that would make things a little better.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #16 - Alone with his wife

According to popular wisdom, a good father spends quality time alone with his wife.

It's the wife thing again. Does God have a wife to spend quality time with? Mormons want to think he does, but have to admit that they have no idea. Most Christian folks will say he doesn't because he'd not married. So where does that leave us? Square one. What our Sky Parents do together is only speculation. 

So much for setting a good example for us when it comes to nurturing a loving marriage! Thanks, Dad.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father. 

Heavenly fatherliness #15 - Fighting in front of family

According to popular wisdom, a good father does not fight with his wife in front of their children.

Heavenly Father doesn't do anything with his Wife in front of his children, so I guess he gets a point on this one. Then again, we don't know anything about Heavenly Mother. God keeps her from us. 

But when it comes to family fights, we do know that God has a very strained relationship with most of his children and fights with them daily. Maybe we should give our Father in Heaven a half point instead of a full one when it comes to domestic aggression.

*These attributes represent the popular thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father. 

Heavenly fatherliness #14 - Affection for Mom

According to popular wisdom, a good father illustrates the importance of affection by professing his love for his children's mother in front of them.

Most of Christianity get's its panties in a bunch anytime Mormons suggest that Heavenly Father has a Heavenly Wife (or two). While Mormons believe very strongly in Her/Them, there's just not much of a scriptural basis to believe in a Mother in Heaven. Not that a scriptural foundation matters! The prophet could simply inquire of God to know a bit more about Heavenly Mother. We have modern-day revelation!

Instead we get decades of hearing that Heavenly Mother is too sacred to talk about (but at least the Church mentioned her in this Gospel Topics essay).

I guess we'll just have to be happy knowing that Heavenly Father loves Heavenly Mother so much that he won't give her any visibility at the moment. Is God affectionate towards Goddess? Um... sure. Of course. I mean, why should we doubt it? He's perfect, isn't he?

*These attributes represent the popularized and popularizing thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father. 

Heavenly fatherliness #13 - Quality time

According to popular wisdom, a good father spends quality (daily) time with his children.

Growing up Mormon I was told more than once that God is always watching over us, but I find that to be very wishful thinking. If God's there at all, he's doing a great job of staying out of sight. Imagine a father who simply watches his children via hidden camera, or who occasionally whispers something to you from down the hall or from the other side of a wall. I don't think that kind of behavior counts as quality time.

Let's not forget that we somehow have the ability to offend God and that the list of things that offend him is nothing short of enormous. He's just about the worst playmate anyone could hope for - the kind that will pick up his toys and stomp of at the drop of a hat. And this despite the fact that he knows us perfectly and already knows what we'll do before we do it! He can read our minds and then has the nerve to complain about our thoughts. Relax or butt out, Buddy!

Let's also revisit the concept of God waiting for us to come to him. Maybe he's just sitting around waiting for us to call or open the door or whatever, but that's really not what a good father's supposed to do. Come on, God, come entertain us a bit! Learn to appreciate what we like to do!

*These attributes represent the popularized and popularizing thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father. 

Heavenly fatherliness #12 - Initiative to help

According to popular wisdom, a good father takes pity on his wife and children and takes the initiative to help them.

Once again we run into the issue of a Perfect, Infinite Being having the capacity to relate to and feel anything for such lowly creatures as man, but let's just pretend he does. The issue here then becomes whether or not God takes the initiative to help out.

You've maybe heard that God works many miracles among his children everyday for which we all should be amazingly humbled and grateful. Sounds totally legit, right? One quick look around and it's totally obvious that God's being a Big Help around here, isn't it? Maybe not. It seems he basically just uses us as miracle helper pawns. So is it God or is it us? For some there might not be a difference, I suppose.

Just consider that God doesn't want to just give his goods and services away, we at least have to ask first. The initiative, it would seem, is ours.

I'm pretty sure there are people the world over praying for a hand. Nonstop prayers all asking for a little recognition from an All-powerful Being, but once again whoever considers the extent of human suffering in the world - even in a single historical moment - or takes the time to recall the endless production of carcinogenic material all over the world will probably wonder where the hell God is. 

Oh wait! God already took care of our suffering souls when he killed Jesus... or let Jesus die... or let Jesus let himself die... or kill himself... or whatever that was. Can we clean things up Heavenly Father's way and just kill our firstborn children and then resurrect them again? It seems logical enough, right?

Heavenly Father's also got the whole environmental mess taken care of too. How could I be so silly? God's totally a helper.

*These attributes represent the popularized and popularizing thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.

Heavenly fatherliness #11 - School work

According to popular wisdom, a good father helps his children with their school work.

Oh, how I wish I had done well on the the exams I said a prayer for!

As much as folks might like to say God is always inspiring the genius of men and blessing us through science, etc., the fact is that those who are born into privileged conditions enjoy privileged educations (regardless of their beliefs). God's a shitty helper if only for the fact that he favors education for the wealthy and disregards the vast majority of everyone else, but let's not forget all those tests we studied so hard for, prayed so earnestly about, and still didn't get an A.

*These attributes represent the popularized and popularizing thoughts of Ask Men’s Jullian Marcus, examiner.com’s Tanya Tringali, and Open Talk Magazine’s Glenn Silvestre as per their respective articles on what makes a good father.